Pursuing a Man vs. Waiting to be Pursued

Miss Spaulding said:

Yeah, they are a little redder, aren't they?





There. Feel better?

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some are so manly they no longer worry about being manly.

redblue22 said:

some are so manly they no longer worry about being manly.

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I'm very secure in who I am.

I miss hanging out on this forum. It's fun. Life caught up with me for awhile. I can't believe I joined when I was 16. This was the first website my parents let me visit on there computer. lol

I think my first website was a pharmeceutical company we found the phone number for in the 80's.

redblue22 said:

I think my first website was a pharmeceutical company we found the phone number for in the 80's.

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lol My first internet experience I take it back was a Windows 95 pc on dialup. I remember the good days. lol DOS!!!!

There's nothing wrong with a woman pursuing a man, or vice versa.

There's always the chance of rejection though, so if you can deal with it then go for it.

I don't pursue men. Real men do the chasing and do not allow a girl to pursue him. If you can't be a man enough to approach a girl that you like , you are not man enough to date her or to be a husband.

yam said:

I don't pursue men. Real men do the chasing and do not allow a girl to pursue him. If you can't be a man enough to approach a girl that you like , you are not man enough to date her or to be a husband.

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This is true. I don't mind a girl like introducing herself to me, but honestly, the thought of a girl asking me out scares me a bit. I should be the one asking. I should pursue the friendship, not the other way around. Sadly I'm realizing that all my failed relationships were her pursuing me first.

yam said:

I don't pursue men. Real men do the chasing and do not allow a girl to pursue him. If you can't be a man enough to approach a girl that you like , you are not man enough to date her or to be a husband.

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Its not about a man not "being a real man", its really about the girl not being a boring potato.

Isambard said:

Its not about a man not "being a real man", its really about the girl not being a boring potato.

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how are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO - YouTube

anyone who starts a sentence with "a real man" is out. a real man doesn't worry about being a real man. (try that for self-contradiction)

redblue22 said:

a real man doesn't worry about being a real man. (try that for self-contradiction)

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It's true. A "real man" does what he thinks is right and doesn't care what others think. End of story.

A real man worries about his prostate. And junk punches.

OK I read the first page and the last because I don't have the brain capacity to read all 23 pages inbetween. But of course I had to pipe in my opinion.

Look, here's my reality. If I pursue a guy and get him, I'm going to be wondering for a REALLY LONG TIME if he ACTUALLY is interested in me, or he just wanted a girl and I was there. I mean really. Give a guy the option of going out on a limb and facing rejection or playing xbox while girls deliver cookies, and I don't think it's a competition. I don't even play xbox but I choose the latter.

I know some guys who have had nothing but trails of women pursue them and seek them out, and you know what has happened? They DESTROY HEARTS. Seriously. They flirt and lead girls on and date for like two months at a time. Because once it starts getting stale or boring, they have absolutely nothing invested because it just kinda showed up and presented itself to them.

For awhile I was a little bit on the fence about who pursues who, but after being around these always-pursued dudes, I decided that I am not ever going to aid in that. I'll be pursueable {whatever that means, because really... what does it mean? but I'm not going to do the pursuing.

a real woman looks at you with big eyes, smiles, and says hi. and waits for me on my truck in a cute outfit.

has anyone pulled in an Alicia Keys reference yet?

women know if I am interested. I have no problem throwing myself to the rejection wolves unlike lazy fearful guys. They can shove both the cookies and xbox. I never grow bored or destroy hearts of those who chase me. But you did describe all the women we've chased, so it is better to just let women do the chasing. Chess: Check. And maybe mate.

Nice to meet you stephanieamber. I'm red.

Nobody should play any prescribed "role". That is acting according to a script. It is not a good way to start a relationship. For a relationship to be healthy and productive everybody is going to have to be able to improvise, compromise, adjust, etc., etc. about, oh, 99.999999999999999999999999% of the time.

Scripts are for theater and film.

Nobody should deliberately formally "initiate". People make it sound like either the man or the woman has to consciously decide to formally "ask" the other "out" and find the courage to do it. The way that it probably usually happens is that in the course of normal spontaneous conversation somebody says something like, "Why don't we continue this conversation at..." Nothing planned. Nothing deliberate. Certainly nothing requiring any courage. Just letting a relationship take its normal course.

How does a person show interest in another person? You talk to them. You ask them questions about themselves. You show them that you are paying attention ("I saw you at...the other day"; "I saw that your research project is being considered for..."; etc.). Nothing that you don't do already with all of the other people in your life. Nothing complicated.

Some people, due to variations in temperaments, communication styles, etc., may be more bold, aggressive, direct, etc. as they manage a relationship (let the relationship take its natural course) and show interest. To what degree one should be his/her usual self or adjust (be less direct, less aggressive, etc.) probably mostly depends on what the other person is comfortable with. That is probably what is meant by "coming on too strong".

In other words, no right or wrong way of showing interest applies to every member of a gender/sex. To know what works one is going to have to see how the particular individual that he/she is interested in responds.

Add it all up and you will see that it takes a lot of work by both parties.

Being deliberate and trying to follow a script with a formal initiation, "roles", etc. compounds that work. More work--unnecessary work--means that much less time and energy can be spent enjoying the relationship.

Deliberately "pursuing" a person is objectifying him/her.

If you want to relax and with minimal anxiety build a relationship based on mutual respect then let the relationship develop spontaneously.