Problems in marriage

[rppearso]

I go to sleep hoping I wont wake up in the morning some nights. My wife and I have been having problems with sex, she had a historectimy but is taking hormones we started arguing over frequency of sex most notably oral sex, she says I dont love on her enough but I make every effort to do so, we talk about divorce because we are slowly drifting apart sexually im 26 and she is 40. I dont really know what to do so I thought I would throw a line out. She also says that most other women wont want to engage in sex every day or oral sex every day and that some is better than being single and having nothing.

 

[LivingHope]

it sounds as though she is having some hormone adjustments due to the hysterectomy. I expect her hormones are fluctuating and she doesnt feel herself.

Stop thinking about sex and think about romance. Take her out and expect nothing, draw her a bath with bubbles and wine and roses and let her soak. Buy her a new dress, get her a gift certificate to have her hair and nails done. Buy her a romantic card. Rent a chick flick and pop popcorn and cuddle. Make her feel emotionally connected to you without expecting anything else.

For the most part I think that men see sex as physical and women see sex as emotional. When I dont feel pretty, or when I am stressed or upset with my husband about something I am certainly not in the mood.

Also, if things dont improve (all marriages have highs and lows) consult a christian counselor, don't just throw away a marriage because you arent having sex, find out the reason that you arent connecting and fix it.

 

[rppearso]

it sounds as though she is having some hormone adjustments due to the hysterectomy. I expect her hormones are fluctuating and she doesnt feel herself.

Stop thinking about sex and think about romance. Take her out and expect nothing, draw her a bath with bubbles and wine and roses and let her soak. Buy her a new dress, get her a gift certificate to have her hair and nails done. Buy her a romantic card. Rent a chick flick and pop popcorn and cuddle. Make her feel emotionally connected to you without expecting anything else.

For the most part I think that men see sex as physical and women see sex as emotional. When I dont feel pretty, or when I am stressed or upset with my husband about something I am certainly not in the mood.

Also, if things dont improve (all marriages have highs and lows) consult a christian counselor, don't just throw away a marriage because you arent having sex, find out the reason that you arent connecting and fix it.

Thats good advice and I even have a book now with romantic ideas that I have employed. Her doctor is going to be increasing her hormones in a week or so, it is just very difficult in the mean time. I probably shouldent even be complaining because she gives me sex about 3-4 times a week and 1-2 of thoes times is oral but it used to be much more, sorry if this is too graphic but its kinda disheartening when you are used to getting a BJ every other day (and I do reciprocate, so no issues there). She gets upset when I express my concern about our sex life but wants to know why im bummed out, she used to love oral sex and now says its a chore, that sent a shiver down my spine and made me question our marriage. We are working on pulling our lives together but it depresses me in the mean time and its difficult to not show that im depressed, she tells me I dont smile anymore and always look bummed out. We did start seeing a counselor, he said he doesnt think I have "clinical depression" so thats a good thing I wasent really looking forward to taking medication, but would if I had to. We are taking it day by day and we will see what happens, I guess this is a low point in the marriage.

 

[Mskedi]

Your wife just went through an incredibly difficult surgery and is now adjusting to massive hormonal changes -- I think you need to be more understanding and forgiving. It sounds as though you haven't considered her feelings about this at all.

 

[JustBeachy]

If a slight slowdown in sexual activity causes you to be depressed and feel that your marriage may be on the rocks...well, I think you need to step back and take another look at the situation. I know that sex is an important part of marriage, but it shouldn't be THE most important thing. You may be making your wife feel like the only reason you married her was for the sex. I hope you are trying to spend quality time with her outside the bedroom, because it sounds like that's where you really need to be connecting.

 

[bliz]

If a slight slowdown in sexual activity causes you to be depressed and feel that your marriage may be on the rocks...well, I think you need to step back and take another look at the situation. I know that sex is an important part of marriage, but it shouldn't be THE most important thing. You may be making your wife feel like the only reason you married her was for the sex. I hope you are trying to spend quality time with her outside the bedroom, because it sounds like that's where you really need to be connecting.

What she said.

 

[clycleader]

Still having sex 2-3 times a week!!??? And you're complaining? Oh my goodness.
Advice?? I agree w/ the romance idea. Just let her relax and romance her. Baths, massages with no "conditions of sex". I need to feel connected w/ my hubby that's so intimate that it often leads to sex. I'd just stop thinking and dwelling on it a bit and see what happens. I'd say if you forget it for a while, things will eventually go back to "normal" with her hormones (with some medical help) and emotionally as well. If you're talkign about it a lot and even talking divorce, that's just TOO much pressure to even want to think about sex!!

 

[alwaysyoung]

Having sex 3-4 times a week is a lot more than other people get.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this though. I'm sure it can be tough. But I wanted to put it in perspective: you are having more sex than a lot of couples out there are. I'm sure you both love each other and this is an adjustment period. Love and blessings,
Lisa

 

[bethrow]

You've received good advice.
A 40 year old woman's body is much different to a 25 year old woman....the body changes so much over the years. A hysterectomy is a huge major surgery and to have sex would be furthest from my mind if I were in this situation.
You say 3-4 times a week?!!!!! You are one lucky guy.

Just because she doesn't want to have sex as much doesn't mean that your marriage is ending. A marriage doesn't have to always be about just sex.
Do something romantic....make her dinner, give her a massage....take her on a weekend getaway.
Just be patient and things will be ok.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I go to sleep hoping I wont wake up in the morning some nights. My wife and I have been having problems with sex, she had a historectimy but is taking hormones we started arguing over frequency of sex most notably oral sex, she says I dont love on her enough but I make every effort to do so, we talk about divorce because we are slowly drifting apart sexually im 26 and she is 40. I dont really know what to do so I thought I would throw a line out. She also says that most other women wont want to engage in sex every day or oral sex every day and that some is better than being single and having nothing.

Well, I want to focus on your wife saying you don't love on her enough, and then you saying you do.

I have the same complaint about my husband, yet in his mind he makes effort and is fine. Truth is he isn't truly listening to me or caring about what "I" consider being loved on and what "he" considers being loved on....

So, my question is are you really "listening" to your wife and truly making effort towards satisfying "her" perceived need, or is this just something you are for some reason not willing to put effort towards? This is a question you can only honestly answer if you choose to be honest with your, and with us. I suggest you think on that, and even ask your wife what she thinks about that, instead of coming to your own rationalization of it independant of hers.

My hubby & I have intimacy problems, and I have told him more than once what I need and feel is lacking in the relationship that is effecting my ability to be as warm to him as he wants.... and does he really "listen?" nope. So, if it were to come down to say him wanting to divorce me over it, I wouldn't fight against that because I have my unmet needs as well and am personally just not able to give to him in the areas where he needs as a result.

HB

 

[rppearso]

We are making very good progress, she is getting new girlfriends and doing things with them, (part of her problem was she dident have enough interaction with other people, and now she is getting girl time) and we are finding more activities that we like to do together that coupled with the romance book is working very well, she also told me the reason she dident like doing oral as much and it was really simple things to fix so that was a huge relief, like telling her what I want to do (in a nice way of course) instead of asking for it, she said it made her feel like my mother if I asked and as long as im clean and shaved she has no problems. We are going roller skating tuesday and seeing a movie this weekend.

I also think the cold and darkness during these 2 months is a huge detrement as well with me being bummed out and I told my wife that.

 

[JustBeachy]

If you think the dark winter season might be making you depressed, you may want to talk to a physician about your depression...this may be a larger issue. I'm glad to read that you and your wife are changing things and working things out!

 

[raysimple]

stop being selfish man......
once every couple of weeks here. Im not complaining
God is good
be gratefull and apologize to her...
ray

 

[Robinsegg]

Have you read The Five Love Languages? It's a book that details 5 different "ways" of showing/receiving love. If you find out how she receives love, you might have an easier time of helping her feel loved.

One more thing . . . the hormone issue can't be easily dismissed here. I assume you haven't gone through pregnancy with her (and now won't), but hormones can play a huge, whopping part of sexuality for women . . . any change can cause a drastic difference in interest for her. The above posters are right . . . sex every day just isn't reality in most marriages. I know you're still young and have a high sex drive . . . but try to be sensitive to her sex drive, too. Think about how you would feel if she was more interested than you were, and you couldn't get "in the mood" when she wanted you to.

Rachel

 

[Autumnleaf]

If the winter bums you out you might want to try some time under a tanning bed. Sometimes it helps people. As for frequency of sex, its different for everyone.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

We are making very good progress, she is getting new girlfriends and doing things with them, (part of her problem was she dident have enough interaction with other people, and now she is getting girl time) and we are finding more activities that we like to do together that coupled with the romance book is working very well, she also told me the reason she dident like doing oral as much and it was really simple things to fix so that was a huge relief, like telling her what I want to do (in a nice way of course) instead of asking for it, she said it made her feel like my mother if I asked and as long as im clean and shaved she has no problems. We are going roller skating tuesday and seeing a movie this weekend.

I also think the cold and darkness during these 2 months is a huge detrement as well with me being bummed out and I told my wife that.

i've noticed a huge lift in my mood since the weather had started warming up

 

[rppearso]

stop being selfish man......
once every couple of weeks here. Im not complaining
God is good
be gratefull and apologize to her...
ray

Hmm, its not really a matter of selfishness. Its a matter of working to be more compatible with each other. As I change my habits she meets me half way so we both get what we want. Once every couple of weeks would probably drive me to insanity. I do appologize when I dont meet her needs but not for being horny, thats not something I can control.

 

[clycleader]

A marriage is so much more than sex. Don't get me wrong, it's important, but there are so many other things that are important. I think you're understanding that she needs other things from you, like personal time to do fun things, romance and just being together and not having to think "Oh gosh, this is going to have to lead to sex".
I agree about what you say about meeting your spouse halfway. You both have to give and both have to get what you need in a marriage. As long as God is first and formost, then your wife, then your needs, fine I put God first, my husband second, myself and then my son. Sometimes myself and my son aren't in that order.
But, good luck. Prayers to you both.

 

[rppearso]

A marriage is so much more than sex. Don't get me wrong, it's important, but there are so many other things that are important. I think you're understanding that she needs other things from you, like personal time to do fun things, romance and just being together and not having to think "Oh gosh, this is going to have to lead to sex".
I agree about what you say about meeting your spouse halfway. You both have to give and both have to get what you need in a marriage. As long as God is first and formost, then your wife, then your needs, fine I put God first, my husband second, myself and then my son. Sometimes myself and my son aren't in that order.
But, good luck. Prayers to you both.

Thank you for the support, things are going much better I think we were just having one of thoes bumps on the road of marriage. We are going to buy some sex furnature to spice things up so that should be fun. I would post a link but I would probably get reported.

 

[Beth1231]

I'm glad things are getting better for the two of you. I want to add it's sooo important that you make your wife feel secure emotionally. Discussing divorce (as you said you were doing in your OP) during a low time in marriage is going to sow seeds of emotional insecurity and anxiety and possibly even distrust. None of which you want, I'm sure. I just want to encourage you to mentally delete the word "divorce" from your marriage vocabulary. You may even want to apologize to her sincerely for even giving it a thought and assure her of your lifelong committment no matter what. I'm sure these things will go a long way in providing your wife with the emotional security she needs. God bless.