Problems in marriage
- Thread starter rppearso
- Start date
I agree with some of the others, you need to just take time to cope with what your wife has been through with the surgery. She will undergo changes in her body. She may never be the same again. If so, then you will have to learn to cope with it at some point or get divorced as you mentioned. If you truly love her then you can work this out. Have you considered going to counseling together? Perhaps she can talk to her GYN about it and get more advice on natural herbs or something she can take to get her libido back.
Remember that sex is only a part of a marriage. If you have great communication, a good relationship in other areas then the sex will just happen naturally.
Remember that sex is only a part of a marriage. If you have great communication, a good relationship in other areas then the sex will just happen naturally.
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We have done both, she is on patches that work well and our conselling is working out very well. We are actually getting ready to buy some sex furnature and the oral sex is very good. I have upped the romance dramaticly as well and it is all around working well. I dont want a divorce I was just out of line in expressing how important sex is to me.
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Does anything else make you happy other than sex? It seems all your driven by is being physically taken care of. I mean what are you going to do when she doesn't want to have sex when she's older as much? If you'd divorce your wife over that, or cheat on her (not that you said you would), then IMO you have serious issues. Sex is healthy and good to have in a marriage, but if it's the foundation to it... you're might be seriously disappointed sometimes... I think you're wife is being pretty gracious with herself especially after such a hard surgery.
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Hmm, I am very sexually driven, im a 26 yr old guy and it is going on 2 yrs since the surgery. Sex is not the foundation but it is very very important. The only time I felt bad was when she made me feel bad for wanting it all the time and that is not wrong in a marriage. Things are working out very well now. Just becasue your older does not mean sex has to stop, people just choose to, and if both are ok with that its fine, if only one is ok with it, it will obvoiusly ruin the marriage. The biggest misconception people have with sex (and it sounds like you have this misconception as well) is that sex is the icing on the marriage cake when in reality it is a core ingrediant and without it the marriage will fall apart (unless both people are willing to not have sex but then your just roomates at that point), sex is what seperates good friends from spouses. Me and my wife took a marriage class at our church and that was there analogy and that is biblical as well in 1 corintians, maybe second, if your bible has a concordance its easy to find. Sex is one of the biggest reasons for divorce along with money.
Anyway things are going much better, and im glad you made the comment so I could clear up some misconceptions on sex.
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Couple things:
1. I notice a lot of people get in a funk during the winter months. It isn't as fun when it's cold, but maybe the two of you should take up an outdoor activity to get some sun and get outdoors. Learn to ski or something?
2. Sex doesn't have to stop, and yes, it is important, but look - if you make it into a big deal and wanting it all the time consumes your thoughts, that isn't healthy either. 2-3 times a week is more than a lot of people get. Maybe your sex drive is different than others' and you want it more and more, but the focus should be on quality, not quantity. As someone else said - work on the other stuff and sex will come naturally.
As for it being a core ingredient, my husband and I are younger than you and my sex drive isn't very high . . . and he's fine with that. Our marriage is not falling apart because we don't freak out and dwell on the fact that it doesn't happen every single day.
It happens when it happens, and it's really good when it does and that makes us happy. Enjoy the sex you DO have instead of getting all uptight about wanting MORE.
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ok, that's great and all...
but, I don't have a misconception about sex.. I havent had sex with my husband in gosh, probably 7 months... it isn't the core of our marriage.. and it certainly isn't the reason why our marriage is falling apart.. I think someone who has a high sex drive, maybe it ruins it for them.. and my hubby does have a high sex drive, I'm sure there's some men out there without a high sex drive, but for men they're more driven by it than women, IMO...I think it's good to have sex in a marriage because that's what it's made for, and I think it keeps things healthy and happy... but I'm not MISERABLE because I don't have sex everyday, once a week, month.. etc... and I wouldn't divorce over it, and he hasn't wanted to divorce me for not being in the mood ( i'm pregnant) but it was limited before that just because we simply have problems and I don't feel close to him, and because that was the only time he was nice to me.. so I end up feeling used...
but glad to hear all is well with you and wifey
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It sounds like he needs to learn to be more romantic, that is not to hard to do, I will have to pull the ISBN off of the romance book my wife gave me to do nice things for her. Even though you dont think it, sex may be the reason the marriage is doing badly along with romance. I guess its just different strokes for different folks, but if there is no happieness in the marriage why stay together? BTW 7 months is an eternity to not have sex and be married at least it would be for me.
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well, no the marriage isn't doing badly because there's no intimacy.. he's a selfish, lazy, mean person who lies alot.. that's why our marriage sucks.. if he wasn't like that, then there would be intimacy.. yeah 7 months is long.. a lot of it's his fault.. some of it's because I'm having a very hard pregnancy and I just can't deal with it
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You might want to try going to counseling and get everything out in the open it might explain why he seems to be lazy or mean (there is no excuse for the constant lieing). Is this how he has always been or is it just after you started having a bad pregnancy? I dont know all the details but I know not getting laid for months on end would make me very upset, unless you were hospitalized for the duration of your pregnancy or something. I hope you can work things out. Also if there is tension after the baby is born the baby will feel it as well and it will be an all around bad situation.
I have heard way to many pregnancy and baby horror storys so if my wife were not steril I would have sterilized myself.
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Totally didn't mean to hijack your thread..
he won't go to counseling. He's lazy because he said he doesn't like to do anything that doesn't immediately benefit himself, plus his momma and dadda do everything for him, and tell him he doesn't have to listen to me, etc.... (all that's a long story, MIL is somewhat better, FIL is just a child period)His mom is a HUGE liar, so I'm guessing that's where he gets it, he's admitted his lying is wrong and all the other thins he does, but he doesn't do anything to "change". We did have a VERY healthy sex life pre-marriage (yes, I know it's wrong... ), and even somewhat after marriage, but the problems got worse while I was pregnant with our first because his mom was telling him to lie, and leave me and take the baby etc etc and I found out about it, we almost divorced, he came clean, so I stayed... And, I've tried having intimacy with him during this pregnancy and with our first daughter, but, it's really uncomfy for me, but we worked around it... and yes, I have been hospitalized with this pregnancy, I was VERY sick on feeding ports everything, it's been a roller coaster.. and when I start to let my guard back down, when things seem to go well, he reverts back... so, it's an odd situation to say the least... my dad suggested trying to be more intimate with him, that perhaps it would make him feel "loved" and he would reciprocate to being a better man, I tried and no it didn't really help, if it did, well.. yeah, enough said lol
about your comment about kids and marriage, it's not always a bad situation honestly... it can cause some sexual tension for both, mom always taking care of a kiddie, but there's always midnights, or early am's, grandparents, etc... there's a way to fit intimacy in.. it's just takeing the time to set aside being a mom and dad, and just having a date night alone with your partner.. I think kids bring fulfillment (for some) in a marriage, there's lots of joys in seeing a child created from it's mom and dad and watch the child growing up...
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It definatly sounds like he should go to counseling with you, so I hope you can convince him to go, 7 months of abstinace within a marriage should be giving him a clue. As far as the kid thing, im sure it works for some but our life is so filled it would not work, with working on my PE licence and possibly my masters in chemE or physics, my pilots licence and buying a plane, camping and shooting skeet. We get home from work and by the time we are done with finances and preparing food and working on our goals its time to go to bed.
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