pre-marital sex: how to tell non-christian boyfriend I want to stop?

[Fluteylucy]

Hey

I know there are lots of sex-before-marriage posts on this site, but I just would really love some help and advice about my specific circumstance.

When I met my boyfriend I had back slidden and was, by all accounts, a non-believer. I was very open to having sex, and subsequently we've moved in together. Of course, he doesn't believe in God - is a very passionate atheist, actually.

Now I'm right with God again (praise Him!) and I know i need to clean up some areas of my life. I do want to be sexually pure. i tried to tell my bf that I want to stop having sex, to save it for our marriage, but he went mad and said he was only ok with the Christianity if it didn't impact his life (he says it's ok to go to Church, but I have to pack my bible away, and I'm not really allowed to talk about God).

How do I explain to him what's on my heart?? Do I just take a stand for God and say the sex is just not going to happen?? I am not even convinced - I mean totally convinced - that sex before marriage in a committed relationship is wrong!! Do I need to leave him?! I don't want to do that.

In a past relationship I lost the guy because I was 'nuts' about my faith...

 

[Blank123]

just a litle warning, this may sound harsh. its not my intent, but i do tend to be blunt

Putting aside the fact that according to Scripture you really shouldn't be dating a nonChristian, why are you dating someone who is so wholly unsupportive of your faith?

If you want to stop, that all you have to tell him. If he can't understand that then there are a lot of great Christian guys out there with the same values as you.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Your relationship sounds like it's going to become very venomous soon. A Christian dating a passionate atheist? You may as well pack your bags now and end it before things become more difficult because they will be. The fact that you *have* to pack your bible away and are never allowed to talk about God? That should be the only sign you need that it's time to move on to bigger and better things.

No, it won't be easy. Never is. But you're trying to mix two very different lifestyles that obviously won't work together.

 

[Fluteylucy]

Thank you so much, both. I completely understand, and I suppose I was needing people to say that to me straight.

My sticking point is I guess I see it to be unfair that I break up a relationship when all that happened was that my faith changed. He didn't anticipate me turning to God, so if I leave because he can't accept my faith, it seems I'm punishing him! I want to be a good witness, and leaving him because of our now different faiths would just result in him thinking Christianity is just as awful as he thought. Am I really fighting a losing battle?

Not sure if this might be important, but I was abused in a previous relationship... this current relationship is a breath of fresh air compared to the other one, and I don't want to let him go so easily! Eek xx

 

[Blank123]

Its not a punishment, you just grew into a different person, and that person no longer compliments who he is. What you need in you life is people who can encourage you to keep growing in Christ and who can edify you, not someone who wants you to hide who you are because it offends him.

 

[Luther073082]

Let me tell you why I couldn't date a non-Christian to see if you can understand this better.

I need a person that can share with me the most important things in my life. God is the most important thing in my life, and I couldn't be with someone who couldn't share that with me because we wouldn't be able to relate.

On top of that a secular person wouldn't understand. A secular person would want to be the most important thing in my life. But my fiance however understands, and doesn't mind taking a backseat to God in my life. It is the same with me as I take a backseat to God in her life.

This relationship I don't think will work out in the long term. And I'm sorry about that. I feel sorry for him in a way because, as you said he did nothing to cause it, your faith just changed. I would be a broken wreak if my fiance gave up on Christ.

However life isn't fair, God never said it would be.

 

[Fluteylucy]

Thanks so much for all of your loving advice. It's good to have people from the outside offering their take on stuff. What you all say (and you all say the same!) makes a lot of sense. I probably need to talk deep with my boyfriend to find out how he really feels about the whole thing. Thanks so much again xx

 

[GlennK]

I'm glad you know what to do now.

Personally, my identity truly is in Christ, and for that reason I could never date a non-believer. It just wouldn't be real.

Keep us updated on what's going on

 

[timbo81]

i tried to tell my bf that I want to stop having sex, to save it for our marriage, but he went mad and said he was only ok with the Christianity if it didn't impact his life (he says it's ok to go to Church, but I have to pack my bible away, and I'm not really allowed to talk about God).

that part struck me as kind of controlling, since he's basically ordering you what you can and can't do.

I think the only option is to end it, I think marriage would be a disaster due to his oposition to your growing faith. Then what happens if you have kids and wanna take them to church, he'd be adamant they don't go while you'd want them to go.

You can definately pray for him and who knows maybe one day he may convert. But I think you need to seperate or he might just end up dragging you down again in doubt. If he thinks any worse of christianity I think that's unavoidable but it already seems pretty low anyway, and your walk with God is more important.

 

[The Nihilist]

Yeah, it doesn't really sound like it's a good fit any more. I've dated christians before, but it doesn't typically work out real well if they're especially conservative with their theology.

 

[Godiswritingmylifestory]

OH sweety. I know what you are going through must be tough. To love someone and want to be with them but to love jesus and want to have a relationship with him too. My husband and I are sort of unequally yoked and I have struggled in my relationship with God because I wanted to please my husband who had walked away from God and didn't want me going to church and playing christian music etc... I went along with my husband and let me tell you we have had so many many problems all these years. fighting talking about divorce not really "in love".then a couple months ago I came back to God and totally fell in love with Jesus again. He made me a totally new person "a new creature" my relationship with my husband has strengthened and where as he hasn't fully come back to God we are in love again and are happy and we weren't all those years I had walked away. for some reason God wanted me to share that with you but the point I was going to make it

Girl, Ain't nobody NOBODY no man not your mom not your best friend BETTER than Jesus. If you want him to be at work fully in your life you have to seek him and seek to make him happy ,not anyone else. and if your boyfriend can't except no sex then let him leave. Stand by your faith in God. He loves you and he only wants what is best for you and he is seeking a full relationship with you. like iIsaw on a church billboard not to long ago "God wants full custody not just weekend visits" He loves you so much and he is very patient. He does not make these commandments to hold us back or to make things hard. He gives us commandments to bring us joy.

I hope this has helped. I will pray for you and I pray that you will seek God for the answers you need!

 

[Godiswritingmylifestory]

OH sweety. I know what you are going through must be tough. To love someone and want to be with them but to love jesus and want to have a relationship with him too. My husband and I are sort of unequally yoked and I have struggled in my relationship with God because I wanted to please my husband who had walked away from God and didn't want me going to church and playing christian music etc... I went along with my husband and let me tell you we have had so many many problems all these years. fighting talking about divorce not really "in love".then a couple months ago I came back to God and totally fell in love with Jesus again. He made me a totally new person "a new creature" my relationship with my husband has strengthened and where as he hasn't fully come back to God we are in love again and are happy and we weren't all those years I had walked away. for some reason God wanted me to share that with you but the point I was going to make it

Girl, Ain't nobody NOBODY no man not your mom not your best friend BETTER than Jesus. If you want him to be at work fully in your life you have to seek him and seek to make him happy ,not anyone else. and if your boyfriend can't except no sex then let him leave. Stand by your faith in God. He loves you and he only wants what is best for you and he is seeking a full relationship with you. like iIsaw on a church billboard not to long ago "God wants full custody not just weekend visits" He loves you so much and he is very patient. He does not make these commandments to hold us back or to make things hard. He gives us commandments to bring us joy.

I hope this has helped. I will pray for you and I pray that you will seek God for the answers you need!

 

[Ben-AG]

OH sweety. I know what you are going through must be tough. To love someone and want to be with them but to love jesus and want to have a relationship with him too. My husband and I are sort of unequally yoked and I have struggled in my relationship with God because I wanted to please my husband who had walked away from God and didn't want me going to church and playing christian music etc... I went along with my husband and let me tell you we have had so many many problems all these years. fighting talking about divorce not really "in love".then a couple months ago I came back to God and totally fell in love with Jesus again. He made me a totally new person "a new creature" my relationship with my husband has strengthened and where as he hasn't fully come back to God we are in love again and are happy and we weren't all those years I had walked away. for some reason God wanted me to share that with you but the point I was going to make it

Girl, Ain't nobody NOBODY no man not your mom not your best friend BETTER than Jesus. If you want him to be at work fully in your life you have to seek him and seek to make him happy ,not anyone else. and if your boyfriend can't except no sex then let him leave. Stand by your faith in God. He loves you and he only wants what is best for you and he is seeking a full relationship with you. like iIsaw on a church billboard not to long ago "God wants full custody not just weekend visits" He loves you so much and he is very patient. He does not make these commandments to hold us back or to make things hard. He gives us commandments to bring us joy.

I hope this has helped. I will pray for you and I pray that you will seek God for the answers you need!

 

[through_him]

OH sweety. I know what you are going through must be tough. To love someone and want to be with them but to love jesus and want to have a relationship with him too. My husband and I are sort of unequally yoked and I have struggled in my relationship with God because I wanted to please my husband who had walked away from God and didn't want me going to church and playing christian music etc... I went along with my husband and let me tell you we have had so many many problems all these years. fighting talking about divorce not really "in love".then a couple months ago I came back to God and totally fell in love with Jesus again. He made me a totally new person "a new creature" my relationship with my husband has strengthened and where as he hasn't fully come back to God we are in love again and are happy and we weren't all those years I had walked away. for some reason God wanted me to share that with you but the point I was going to make it

Girl, Ain't nobody NOBODY no man not your mom not your best friend BETTER than Jesus. If you want him to be at work fully in your life you have to seek him and seek to make him happy ,not anyone else. and if your boyfriend can't except no sex then let him leave. Stand by your faith in God. He loves you and he only wants what is best for you and he is seeking a full relationship with you. like iIsaw on a church billboard not to long ago "God wants full custody not just weekend visits" He loves you so much and he is very patient. He does not make these commandments to hold us back or to make things hard. He gives us commandments to bring us joy.

I hope this has helped. I will pray for you and I pray that you will seek God for the answers you need!

can't say much more than that

 

[twiggysara]

I'm so glad that so many people have given such great advice here. I agree that this realtionship is not good for your relationship with God. It is so important for Christians to date someone that understands their faith.

I have another really big concern here and that is that your boyfriend seems to be controlling you to an extent that worries me. Specifically the fact that he forces you to hide your Bible. I worry that there are other areas of your life that he is also controlling. The fact that you say that you were previously in an abusive relationship does not surprise me. I urge you to see a counselor who can help you understand why you find these types of relatonships, specifically a counselor who is also a Christian. God's desire for you is that you would be in a relationship with a man who honors you, loves you unconditionally, and helps you grow in your faith with God.

You are super special to God, and there is a man out there that you will also be super special to.

 

[Catherineanne]

I do want to be sexually pure. i tried to tell my bf that I want to stop having sex, to save it for our marriage, but he went mad and said he was only ok with the Christianity if it didn't impact his life (he says it's ok to go to Church, but I have to pack my bible away, and I'm not really allowed to talk about God).

Regardless of your faith or his, if you don't want to have sex, you don't have to have it. His throwing a tantrum is no reason to do what you do not want to do.

If this man is not mature enough to cope with this decision, for whatever reason you have made it, then perhaps he is not the right man for you. He absolutely must respect that when you say no you mean it, and that you have the right, any time, any day, to say no. This is true for any woman, in any relationship, any time.

Any trampling of your point of view, any tantrums, any arguments with this, are abusive behaviour, and are completely unacceptable.

 

[Catherineanne]

God's desire for you is that you would be in a relationship with a man who honors you, loves you unconditionally, and helps you grow in your faith with God.

You are super special to God, and there is a man out there that you will also be super special to.

I agree.

Better to be alone for a short time, than to put up with abuse from anyone.

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you so much, both. I completely understand, and I suppose I was needing people to say that to me straight.

My sticking point is I guess I see it to be unfair that I break up a relationship when all that happened was that my faith changed. He didn't anticipate me turning to God, so if I leave because he can't accept my faith, it seems I'm punishing him! I want to be a good witness, and leaving him because of our now different faiths would just result in him thinking Christianity is just as awful as he thought. Am I really fighting a losing battle?

Not sure if this might be important, but I was abused in a previous relationship... this current relationship is a breath of fresh air compared to the other one, and I don't want to let him go so easily! Eek xx

Let us be clear about this. This man is saying in effect that he sets the rules, and that you cannot be sovereign over your own home, your topics of conversation or your body. You have to hide your Bible, not talk about your faith, and have sex when you do not want to, or he will throw a wobbly. How can this be the foundation for future happiness?

If you end this relationship, you are not ending it because of your faith, but because of his reaction to your faith, and his controlling behaviours.

If this is a breath of fresh air compared to a former relationship, all I can say is, give it time. It is headed the same way, but perhaps it is not easy to see it as yet.

All of which is more than sufficient reason for starting to pack those bags. Preferably his.

 

[Catherineanne]

Thanks so much for all of your loving advice. It's good to have people from the outside offering their take on stuff. What you all say (and you all say the same!) makes a lot of sense. I probably need to talk deep with my boyfriend to find out how he really feels about the whole thing. Thanks so much again xx

Fair enough. Here are the danger signs to watch for.

A controlling person will belittle what you have to say, will interrupt you constantly, will laugh at your concerns, and will turn all the blame back onto you.

If at the end of the conversation you feel battered and bruised, without quite knowing why, then you have been subjected to emotional or verbal abuse. If this has happened before, then the chances are you have no defences against such behaviour, and won't know it is happening until afterwards.

Such a person, whether Christian or not, is not a good person to get involved with. Have you considered that some part of you, somewhere, knows this, and has turned to Christ at least in part to get away from such abuse?

Here, in contrast, is what a non abusive person would do in reaction to your concerns. He would listen, feel sad that you are unhappy, and try to discuss this quietly and calmly. He would try to find a compromise that helps you both to find a path together, but one which does not cross your boundaries, because he will recognise that this is important to you.

In other words, he will show respect for you and your values, whether he shares them or not.

This person, whether Christian or not, is a good person to know.

Either way, this will not be easy for you, and I wish you well.

 

[Bampot]

This has absolutely nothing to do with you being Christian and all to do with him respecting your personal choices. You've decided you don't want to have sex with him anymore. If he's wanting to break off the relationship only because of that, he was in it for the wrong reasons anyway. You've done nothing wrong. Find someone that will love you for yourself and respect the choices you decided to make. Like a real significant other is supposed to do.