Over the past few years, I've come to believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed, or even can bring myself to talk about the possibility of having OCD with my family. Here lately I've been struggling with my prayer life, possibly because of OCD. I've began to stress constantly about praying. It takes me about 2 to 3 hours to pray my daily prayer request. I wake up dreading my prayer anymore, and after I do pray, I feel pressure in my head to keep saying thank you thank you amen amen, all through out the day. I do the cross at least four times after I say amen, then have to blow at least 4 to 5 kisses at god and Jesus, then wink at them another 4 to 5 times. If I go to 6 times I get anxious and have to do them again. Writing this now, I feel something bad will happen for talking about this. I pray some prayer request repeatedly through out the day, and usually have to do them in order. I probably prayer for about 30 family, friends, pets, love ones, people and animals I've seen on the news that need help, adding each one to my daily prayer, and repeating the prayer for each one every day. I pray constantly through out the day, probably 3 to 4 times for main prayer, and little quick prayers here and there. By bed time, I've become so prayed out and at times mentally exhausted that I fight to stay awake so I can prayer my goodnight prayers, and sadly I tend to fall asleep before I do. So when I fail to pray my goodnight prayers, I punish myself by not allowing myself to watch movies, tv shows, go on the internet, or read. Which as a Christian I know those things can be bad and take away from God, so I take them away. Usually I just sit on the sofa or on my bed and do nothing or if someone is watching Tv or a movie , I just do my best to block it out and usually I'm not interested in what there watching. I do move around and pace, I also help my mother take care of my two baby cousins, that she has taken custody of due to their mother being on drugs. I feel like something bad or wrongful will happen to my family, friends, loved ones, and myself if I don't pray all these prayer request all the way through, I've probably broke down and have cried over all this more times than I can count. As I pray, I move my lips whispering my prayers, then my mouth fills with salavia and I feel like I mush mouth my prayers, then swallow say excuse me please help me not to mush mouth may I continue to pray and talk to you god and Jesus, and continue or restart, doing this several times. I stress and worry that I'm not doing my prayer life right, or feel like I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under my family, friends, loved ones, and me, and something bad will happen for feeling this way. Sunday, I tend to have the most stress, as I try to pray as best as I can. So when I wake up and start praying, it takes my typical 2 to 3 hours, and I pray while getting dressed while in the car and every where we go, while my dad, mom, brothers, sister in law, cousins try talking to me or stare at me or avoid me until I'm done. My dad always tells me I need to wake up and talk. Recently I've been having trouble sleeping. Two Saturday's ago, I woke up about 2:20 am and realized I didn't pray my goodnight prayers, so I began to pray. I finished about 4 am or a little after. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep that day. The lack of praying my goodnight prayers tend to cause me the most concern. As writing this, I'm breaking my punishment to stay off the Internet for skipping ,as I call it, my goodnight prayer request. I know everyone I prayer for needs hel or prayer for them, I'm not looking to stop praying for them or praying by any means, just help. I ask for help and guidance from any and all please.
Amen.
I feel like I just messed up writing and posting this
Amen.
I feel like I just messed up writing and posting this