Possible OCD, and stress with prayer. Need guidance and help.

[Greg32]

Over the past few years, I've come to believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed, or even can bring myself to talk about the possibility of having OCD with my family. Here lately I've been struggling with my prayer life, possibly because of OCD. I've began to stress constantly about praying. It takes me about 2 to 3 hours to pray my daily prayer request. I wake up dreading my prayer anymore, and after I do pray, I feel pressure in my head to keep saying thank you thank you amen amen, all through out the day. I do the cross at least four times after I say amen, then have to blow at least 4 to 5 kisses at god and Jesus, then wink at them another 4 to 5 times. If I go to 6 times I get anxious and have to do them again. Writing this now, I feel something bad will happen for talking about this. I pray some prayer request repeatedly through out the day, and usually have to do them in order. I probably prayer for about 30 family, friends, pets, love ones, people and animals I've seen on the news that need help, adding each one to my daily prayer, and repeating the prayer for each one every day. I pray constantly through out the day, probably 3 to 4 times for main prayer, and little quick prayers here and there. By bed time, I've become so prayed out and at times mentally exhausted that I fight to stay awake so I can prayer my goodnight prayers, and sadly I tend to fall asleep before I do. So when I fail to pray my goodnight prayers, I punish myself by not allowing myself to watch movies, tv shows, go on the internet, or read. Which as a Christian I know those things can be bad and take away from God, so I take them away. Usually I just sit on the sofa or on my bed and do nothing or if someone is watching Tv or a movie , I just do my best to block it out and usually I'm not interested in what there watching. I do move around and pace, I also help my mother take care of my two baby cousins, that she has taken custody of due to their mother being on drugs. I feel like something bad or wrongful will happen to my family, friends, loved ones, and myself if I don't pray all these prayer request all the way through, I've probably broke down and have cried over all this more times than I can count. As I pray, I move my lips whispering my prayers, then my mouth fills with salavia and I feel like I mush mouth my prayers, then swallow say excuse me please help me not to mush mouth may I continue to pray and talk to you god and Jesus, and continue or restart, doing this several times. I stress and worry that I'm not doing my prayer life right, or feel like I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under my family, friends, loved ones, and me, and something bad will happen for feeling this way. Sunday, I tend to have the most stress, as I try to pray as best as I can. So when I wake up and start praying, it takes my typical 2 to 3 hours, and I pray while getting dressed while in the car and every where we go, while my dad, mom, brothers, sister in law, cousins try talking to me or stare at me or avoid me until I'm done. My dad always tells me I need to wake up and talk. Recently I've been having trouble sleeping. Two Saturday's ago, I woke up about 2:20 am and realized I didn't pray my goodnight prayers, so I began to pray. I finished about 4 am or a little after. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep that day. The lack of praying my goodnight prayers tend to cause me the most concern. As writing this, I'm breaking my punishment to stay off the Internet for skipping ,as I call it, my goodnight prayer request. I know everyone I prayer for needs hel or prayer for them, I'm not looking to stop praying for them or praying by any means, just help. I ask for help and guidance from any and all please.

Amen.

I feel like I just messed up writing and posting this

 

[God is good]

I have been struggling praying too, God loves you and remember God knows your heart and Jesus loves you and Jesus is Lord.

 

[Winken]

Over the past few years, I've come to believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed, or even can bring myself to talk about the possibility of having OCD with my family. Here lately I've been struggling with my prayer life, possibly because of OCD. I've began to stress constantly about praying. It takes me about 2 to 3 hours to pray my daily prayer request. I wake up dreading my prayer anymore, and after I do pray, I feel pressure in my head to keep saying thank you thank you amen amen, all through out the day. I do the cross at least four times after I say amen, then have to blow at least 4 to 5 kisses at god and Jesus, then wink at them another 4 to 5 times. If I go to 6 times I get anxious and have to do them again. Writing this now, I feel something bad will happen for talking about this. I pray some prayer request repeatedly through out the day, and usually have to do them in order. I probably prayer for about 30 family, friends, pets, love ones, people and animals I've seen on the news that need help, adding each one to my daily prayer, and repeating the prayer for each one every day. I pray constantly through out the day, probably 3 to 4 times for main prayer, and little quick prayers here and there. By bed time, I've become so prayed out and at times mentally exhausted that I fight to stay awake so I can prayer my goodnight prayers, and sadly I tend to fall asleep before I do. So when I fail to pray my goodnight prayers, I punish myself by not allowing myself to watch movies, tv shows, go on the internet, or read. Which as a Christian I know those things can be bad and take away from God, so I take them away. Usually I just sit on the sofa or on my bed and do nothing or if someone is watching Tv or a movie , I just do my best to block it out and usually I'm not interested in what there watching. I do move around and pace, I also help my mother take care of my two baby cousins, that she has taken custody of due to their mother being on drugs. I feel like something bad or wrongful will happen to my family, friends, loved ones, and myself if I don't pray all these prayer request all the way through, I've probably broke down and have cried over all this more times than I can count. As I pray, I move my lips whispering my prayers, then my mouth fills with salavia and I feel like I mush mouth my prayers, then swallow say excuse me please help me not to mush mouth may I continue to pray and talk to you god and Jesus, and continue or restart, doing this several times. I stress and worry that I'm not doing my prayer life right, or feel like I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under my family, friends, loved ones, and me, and something bad will happen for feeling this way. Sunday, I tend to have the most stress, as I try to pray as best as I can. So when I wake up and start praying, it takes my typical 2 to 3 hours, and I pray while getting dressed while in the car and every where we go, while my dad, mom, brothers, sister in law, cousins try talking to me or stare at me or avoid me until I'm done. My dad always tells me I need to wake up and talk. Recently I've been having trouble sleeping. Two Saturday's ago, I woke up about 2:20 am and realized I didn't pray my goodnight prayers, so I began to pray. I finished about 4 am or a little after. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep that day. The lack of praying my goodnight prayers tend to cause me the most concern. As writing this, I'm breaking my punishment to stay off the Internet for skipping ,as I call it, my goodnight prayer request. I know everyone I prayer for needs hel or prayer for them, I'm not looking to stop praying for them or praying by any means, just help. I ask for help and guidance from any and all please.

Amen.

I feel like I just messed up writing and posting this

HE hears you the FIRST time you pray. He said "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you!" The Holy Spirit is living within you! There is NEVER a time when God does not know your need(s). You can pray 10 times a day or 1,000 times a day-----but he heard you the first time! Wake up, say "God thank you that you have already heard all my prayers!

 

[Mari17]

Definitely sounds like OCD to me. You did the right thing to come on here and post. Do you know much about OCD or how to fight it? In your case it sounds like it is manifesting as scrupulosity, which is basically a hypersensitive "conscience," if you will, that is trying to control your mind. You basically have to learn to say no to it. Prayer should not look or feel like this. The anxiety that you feel when you don't pray "right" is a trademark sign of OCD. You should not be dreading prayers, and you should not feel that intense pressure to do them right. Those are also emotions that accompany OCD. You have to start taking back control of your life. The way OCD is generally treated is by learning to resist your compulsions (what you feel forced to do in order to alleviate the anxiety from the obsession). In this case, it sounds like the obsession is fear of harm befalling family members, and the compulsion is praying just right. I would suggest that you do the following things:
1. Do not give yourself "punishments" for not saying prayers.
2. Do not allow yourself to do the rituals of saying amen, thank you, doing the cross etc. throughout the day.
3. Do not repeat your prayers even if you feel that you "mush mouthed" them.
4. Limit your praying to a certain REASONABLE time limit. (30 minutes to an hour is probably more than enough).
Now, if your OCD is intense, these things might be too scary to do all at once. That's OK. If you can tackle them all at once, by all means go for it. If not, work on one at a time, or work up to them gradually (e.g. limit your praying to an hour and a half, then an hour, then a half hour, etc.). I don't have the space to get into a ton of information on fighting OCD in just one post, but I'd be happy to keep answering questions or concerns you might have. Basically, you need to get your brain to recognize that it is believing lies and is acting way in excess of what a "normal" person would. Prayer should not be driven by fear. If it is, that means your OCD is driving it. The catch is, a person with OCD often cannot see the lies until they are out of the obsession. That means you need to fight your OCD and resist doing your compulsions BEFORE you can see the truth about those lies, which may be really hard to do and may ratchet up your anxiety. The thing is, if you resist long enough, your brain will start to recognize the truth; truths like, Nothing will happen to your family if you don't pray just right. I have OCD and know how debilitating it can be, so please believe me when I tell you that this behavior is extreme and excessive and you need to get help. It doesn't mean you're bad or crazy, it just means that OCD is really fighting to control your life and you need to get that control back. Your OCD may be lying and saying that you can keep your family safe by saying all these prayers, but it might help to realize that you are trading quality time and healthy relationships with your family for the nonexistent chance that harm will befall them if you don't pray just right. Have you suffered from OCD in the past? Do you have somewhere you can go to get medicine and/or therapy? Even if you don't, look up resources online and I will happily provide some good websites if you like. Look for Exposure and Response Therapy which is the most effective way to treat OCD. Overcoming OCD can be really hard, but it is so worth it! Your life is too important to waste on obsessing!

 

[Greg32]

Thank you so much for your advice. I know a little a bit about OCD from looking up info on it to see if I have symptoms of it. I must say it feels strange talking about this. I once again feel asleep before praying my goodnight prayers, and am feeling like I'm doing wrong writing this. But I will try the things you suggested. I think my brain has been telling me to fight this OCD for awhile now. I do need to take back my life, thank you and god bless you, and all that responded.

 

[Mari17]

Thank you so much for your advice. I know a little a bit about OCD from looking up info on it to see if I have symptoms of it. I must say it feels strange talking about this. I once again feel asleep before praying my goodnight prayers, and am feeling like I'm doing wrong writing this. But I will try the things you suggested. I think my brain has been telling me to fight this OCD for awhile now. I do need to take back my life, thank you and god bless you, and all that responded.

I'm so glad to hear that you want to fight your OCD! When you have OCD, it's important to ignore those weighty irrational feelings of guilt that FEEL like they come from your conscience (but they actually don't). Even if you don't end up getting a therapist, you can choose to do your own therapy on your OCD. A couple of books that I've read and are helpful are The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap by Dr. Mark Crawford, The Doubting Disease by Joseph Ciarrocchi, Can Christianity Cure Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? by Dr. Ian Osborn, and Strivings Within: The OCD Christian by Mitzi VanCleve. If you would like the support of a community, you can also ask to join the "Christianity and Anxiety Disorders" Facebook page (there's a small screening process in the form of a couple of questions to answer). Also, I will post links to a couple of websites I've found especially helpful:
http://ocdandchristianity.com/
Welcome
Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD
And of course, you can keep reaching out for help on here if you need it! May God give you courage to fight!

 

[Greg32]

I'm so glad to hear that you want to fight your OCD! When you have OCD, it's important to ignore those weighty irrational feelings of guilt that FEEL like they come from your conscience (but they actually don't). Even if you don't end up getting a therapist, you can choose to do your own therapy on your OCD. A couple of books that I've read and are helpful are The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap by Dr. Mark Crawford, The Doubting Disease by Joseph Ciarrocchi, Can Christianity Cure Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? by Dr. Ian Osborn, and Strivings Within: The OCD Christian by Mitzi VanCleve. If you would like the support of a community, you can also ask to join the "Christianity and Anxiety Disorders" Facebook page (there's a small screening process in the form of a couple of questions to answer). Also, I will post links to a couple of websites I've found especially helpful:
http://ocdandchristianity.com/
Welcome
Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD
And of course, you can keep reaching out for help on here if you need it! May God give you courage to fight!

You've given me lots to think on. I took your advice and it has helped today at least. I know I have a long way to go. The links you posted seem very helpful, I like the OCD Christian. God gives us what we can handle, and the past 8 months have been trying, but I believe, and can handle it. It's been scary, stressful, and hard, but he has his reasons. OCD stinks, and I fully believe I have it now. I've never really wanted to admit it, and have argued it away in my mind. I'm still worried something bad will happen for being on the internet, and have been thinking about watching a tv show tonight, so we'll see. Today I take back my life! Thank you and god bless.

 

[Mari17]

You're welcome! "Today I take back my life..." I love it!! OCD is a huge time- and joy-stealer, and is tricky because it likes to masquerade as one's conscience. But, as Dr. Ian Osborn likes to say, it's really a matter of our choosing to put our trust in God instead of trying to control everything ourselves. The great thing about recognizing and admitting that you have OCD is that now you can make a plan to fight it!! Praying for you and hoping that you have a courageous and victorious journey out of this!

 

[Greg32]

You're welcome! "Today I take back my life..." I love it!! OCD is a huge time- and joy-stealer, and is tricky because it likes to masquerade as one's conscience. But, as Dr. Ian Osborn likes to say, it's really a matter of our choosing to put our trust in God instead of trying to control everything ourselves. The great thing about recognizing and admitting that you have OCD is that now you can make a plan to fight it!! Praying for you and hoping that you have a courageous and victorious journey out of this!

Having a rough time of it today. Didn't sleep well last night. Still can't get myself to pray my goodnight prayer request. Been working to control my OCD, and looking into erp, when I can get myself on the Internet. I just needed to let a little out.

 

[Larniavc]

Over the past few years, I've come to believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed, or even can bring myself to talk about the possibility of having OCD with my family. Here lately I've been struggling with my prayer life, possibly because of OCD. I've began to stress constantly about praying. It takes me about 2 to 3 hours to pray my daily prayer request. I wake up dreading my prayer anymore, and after I do pray, I feel pressure in my head to keep saying thank you thank you amen amen, all through out the day. I do the cross at least four times after I say amen, then have to blow at least 4 to 5 kisses at god and Jesus, then wink at them another 4 to 5 times. If I go to 6 times I get anxious and have to do them again. Writing this now, I feel something bad will happen for talking about this. I pray some prayer request repeatedly through out the day, and usually have to do them in order. I probably prayer for about 30 family, friends, pets, love ones, people and animals I've seen on the news that need help, adding each one to my daily prayer, and repeating the prayer for each one every day. I pray constantly through out the day, probably 3 to 4 times for main prayer, and little quick prayers here and there. By bed time, I've become so prayed out and at times mentally exhausted that I fight to stay awake so I can prayer my goodnight prayers, and sadly I tend to fall asleep before I do. So when I fail to pray my goodnight prayers, I punish myself by not allowing myself to watch movies, tv shows, go on the internet, or read. Which as a Christian I know those things can be bad and take away from God, so I take them away. Usually I just sit on the sofa or on my bed and do nothing or if someone is watching Tv or a movie , I just do my best to block it out and usually I'm not interested in what there watching. I do move around and pace, I also help my mother take care of my two baby cousins, that she has taken custody of due to their mother being on drugs. I feel like something bad or wrongful will happen to my family, friends, loved ones, and myself if I don't pray all these prayer request all the way through, I've probably broke down and have cried over all this more times than I can count. As I pray, I move my lips whispering my prayers, then my mouth fills with salavia and I feel like I mush mouth my prayers, then swallow say excuse me please help me not to mush mouth may I continue to pray and talk to you god and Jesus, and continue or restart, doing this several times. I stress and worry that I'm not doing my prayer life right, or feel like I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under my family, friends, loved ones, and me, and something bad will happen for feeling this way. Sunday, I tend to have the most stress, as I try to pray as best as I can. So when I wake up and start praying, it takes my typical 2 to 3 hours, and I pray while getting dressed while in the car and every where we go, while my dad, mom, brothers, sister in law, cousins try talking to me or stare at me or avoid me until I'm done. My dad always tells me I need to wake up and talk. Recently I've been having trouble sleeping. Two Saturday's ago, I woke up about 2:20 am and realized I didn't pray my goodnight prayers, so I began to pray. I finished about 4 am or a little after. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep that day. The lack of praying my goodnight prayers tend to cause me the most concern. As writing this, I'm breaking my punishment to stay off the Internet for skipping ,as I call it, my goodnight prayer request. I know everyone I prayer for needs hel or prayer for them, I'm not looking to stop praying for them or praying by any means, just help. I ask for help and guidance from any and all please.

Amen.

I feel like I just messed up writing and posting this

Hiya.

I'm a cognitive behavioural therapist.

It does sound like you have OCD.

I suggest having your physician refer you for CBT (an evidence based therapy for the symptoms you describe).

The good news is that it's a common mental health disorder that responds well to treatment.

All the best.

 

[Larniavc]

Look for Exposure and Response Therapy which is the most effective way to treat OCD.

I second this: it's good advice.

 

[Mari17]

Thanks for reaching out, Greg32. I know how frustrating this can be. It takes a lot of perseverance to overcome so I pray that you will be able to find the help/information that you need and put it into practice! We are here for you!

 

[Freedom0401]

What a wonderful response by Mari17! Thank you for providing Greg32 with kind, compassionate, and wise words!

Definitely sounds like OCD to me. You did the right thing to come on here and post. Do you know much about OCD or how to fight it? In your case it sounds like it is manifesting as scrupulosity, which is basically a hypersensitive "conscience," if you will, that is trying to control your mind. You basically have to learn to say no to it. Prayer should not look or feel like this. The anxiety that you feel when you don't pray "right" is a trademark sign of OCD. You should not be dreading prayers, and you should not feel that intense pressure to do them right. Those are also emotions that accompany OCD. You have to start taking back control of your life. The way OCD is generally treated is by learning to resist your compulsions (what you feel forced to do in order to alleviate the anxiety from the obsession). In this case, it sounds like the obsession is fear of harm befalling family members, and the compulsion is praying just right. I would suggest that you do the following things:
1. Do not give yourself "punishments" for not saying prayers.
2. Do not allow yourself to do the rituals of saying amen, thank you, doing the cross etc. throughout the day.
3. Do not repeat your prayers even if you feel that you "mush mouthed" them.
4. Limit your praying to a certain REASONABLE time limit. (30 minutes to an hour is probably more than enough).
Now, if your OCD is intense, these things might be too scary to do all at once. That's OK. If you can tackle them all at once, by all means go for it. If not, work on one at a time, or work up to them gradually (e.g. limit your praying to an hour and a half, then an hour, then a half hour, etc.). I don't have the space to get into a ton of information on fighting OCD in just one post, but I'd be happy to keep answering questions or concerns you might have. Basically, you need to get your brain to recognize that it is believing lies and is acting way in excess of what a "normal" person would. Prayer should not be driven by fear. If it is, that means your OCD is driving it. The catch is, a person with OCD often cannot see the lies until they are out of the obsession. That means you need to fight your OCD and resist doing your compulsions BEFORE you can see the truth about those lies, which may be really hard to do and may ratchet up your anxiety. The thing is, if you resist long enough, your brain will start to recognize the truth; truths like, Nothing will happen to your family if you don't pray just right. I have OCD and know how debilitating it can be, so please believe me when I tell you that this behavior is extreme and excessive and you need to get help. It doesn't mean you're bad or crazy, it just means that OCD is really fighting to control your life and you need to get that control back. Your OCD may be lying and saying that you can keep your family safe by saying all these prayers, but it might help to realize that you are trading quality time and healthy relationships with your family for the nonexistent chance that harm will befall them if you don't pray just right. Have you suffered from OCD in the past? Do you have somewhere you can go to get medicine and/or therapy? Even if you don't, look up resources online and I will happily provide some good websites if you like. Look for Exposure and Response Therapy which is the most effective way to treat OCD. Overcoming OCD can be really hard, but it is so worth it! Your life is too important to waste on obsessing!

 

[Freedom0401]

Dear Greg32,

First, Father, may YOU bring this brother peace and abundant life, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Greg, I agree with Mari17 that it does sound like OCD. I think Mari17's post was full of wisdom.

The expectation to pray as you had been praying according to your post, or as you may feel you are supposed to, is not from God.

I believe there are three false perspectives that you have held onto:

1. Not praying in a certain way, for a certain amount of time will lead to harm or a lack of good for someone else.
2. Not praying in a certain way, for a certain amount of time is going against God.
3. If you do something wrong, you have to punish yourself in some way.

May these false perspectives be broken and gone, in Jesus' name.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but ...

For false perspective #1:

• HE is sovereign, not your prayers, nor your obedience to any feeling that you have to do such and such to prevent something unwanted for somebody. The well being of every single human being on this planet, past, present, and future is, ultimately, in His hands.
• What if, in faith, you chose to believe that God would not let a single thing be harmed or lack good on account of you? I think that's the fear, or at least it's part of the fear. Choose to believe that God will not allow any harm to come to anyone on account of you not praying in a certain way, for a certain amount of time (or for not praying according to how you feel you should pray). I think that could be pretty helpful. Additionally, God knows your heart, HE knows you do not want harm to come to anybody on account you not praying the right way. Trust HIM here (and I'm speaking to you and to myself here). It is a desire of your heart, HE knows it, and I believe HE will not allow any harm upon anyone on account of you not praying a certain way. To believe otherwise, my friend, is to believe a lie. It is not healthy, nor is it right to believe lies.

For false perspective #2:

• Maybe it's not just that you think something bad will happen (reminder, Greg, that view is a lie), but maybe you also think or feel like you are going against what GOD wants. Isn't it interesting that when the disciples asked for guidance / teaching on how to pray in Luke 11, Jesus does not advocate for a long, unpleasant prayer. Instead, it's a more pleasant picture of prayer.
• But this feeling of guilt, this feeling that you may not be doing enough, this feeling that GOD is displeased with you... I don't like it. I disagree with it. I want to share with you what I have found to be really helpful in this area. I believe that Christians grow. In 2Cor. 3:18, Paul writes that we are being transformed from one degree of glory to another. In Romans 8:29 he writes that we are being conformed into the image Jesus. Wow! That is great news! We, believers in Jesus, are growing! We are becoming who HE wants us to become! And, we are doing what HE wants us to do more and more (not perfectly, but increasingly). And HE is bringing this about!
• You are not disobeying GOD by choosing to stop praying whenever you want to stop. You are not sinning. It's a false perspective / false feeling that says you are doing the wrong thing in stopping when you want to stop.
• Additionally, the way you spoke about movies, TV, the internet, and reading is something I would like to challenge. In 1Timothy, Paul writes that HE "provides us with everything to enjoy" (ESV). Clearly this is not meant to be permission to sin and enjoy it. But I think there are programs and movies that can be enjoyed. Books and magazines, and online websites and articles, as well. Even activities, too (playing sports or drawing, for example).

For false perspective #3:

• The punishment for every single failure (sin) has been fully carried out in the death of Jesus Christ. You do not owe anything. Are you familiar with the passage in Matthew 18, where Jesus gives a parable about a servant who owed a lot of money, but couldn't pay? I would argue that all of us have a debt that we cannot pay. How many good deeds would it take? How much sacrifice (not doing what we want to do / doing what we do not want to do) would it take? Sometimes we just feel like giving this up, or that up, will make things right. But I would challenge that feeling. That may be a false feeling. I believe Jesus cares more about us being loving and merciful people than being people who make sacrifices (Matthew 9:13 and 12:7). But think about it, our self-imposed punishments are kind of like payments. Are we saying the payment of Jesus' death on the cross is not enough? Are we saying we have to add to it by denying ourselves because of a mistake we made? Because it seems like your motive for punishing yourself is to "pay" what you owe. My friend, the debt has been paid for. So act like it! Your debt is paid!

Greg, I wish you deep and transcending peace. Joy, as well. And true freedom.

Over the past few years, I've come to believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed, or even can bring myself to talk about the possibility of having OCD with my family. Here lately I've been struggling with my prayer life, possibly because of OCD. I've began to stress constantly about praying. It takes me about 2 to 3 hours to pray my daily prayer request. I wake up dreading my prayer anymore, and after I do pray, I feel pressure in my head to keep saying thank you thank you amen amen, all through out the day. I do the cross at least four times after I say amen, then have to blow at least 4 to 5 kisses at god and Jesus, then wink at them another 4 to 5 times. If I go to 6 times I get anxious and have to do them again. Writing this now, I feel something bad will happen for talking about this. I pray some prayer request repeatedly through out the day, and usually have to do them in order. I probably prayer for about 30 family, friends, pets, love ones, people and animals I've seen on the news that need help, adding each one to my daily prayer, and repeating the prayer for each one every day. I pray constantly through out the day, probably 3 to 4 times for main prayer, and little quick prayers here and there. By bed time, I've become so prayed out and at times mentally exhausted that I fight to stay awake so I can prayer my goodnight prayers, and sadly I tend to fall asleep before I do. So when I fail to pray my goodnight prayers, I punish myself by not allowing myself to watch movies, tv shows, go on the internet, or read. Which as a Christian I know those things can be bad and take away from God, so I take them away. Usually I just sit on the sofa or on my bed and do nothing or if someone is watching Tv or a movie , I just do my best to block it out and usually I'm not interested in what there watching. I do move around and pace, I also help my mother take care of my two baby cousins, that she has taken custody of due to their mother being on drugs. I feel like something bad or wrongful will happen to my family, friends, loved ones, and myself if I don't pray all these prayer request all the way through, I've probably broke down and have cried over all this more times than I can count. As I pray, I move my lips whispering my prayers, then my mouth fills with salavia and I feel like I mush mouth my prayers, then swallow say excuse me please help me not to mush mouth may I continue to pray and talk to you god and Jesus, and continue or restart, doing this several times. I stress and worry that I'm not doing my prayer life right, or feel like I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under my family, friends, loved ones, and me, and something bad will happen for feeling this way. Sunday, I tend to have the most stress, as I try to pray as best as I can. So when I wake up and start praying, it takes my typical 2 to 3 hours, and I pray while getting dressed while in the car and every where we go, while my dad, mom, brothers, sister in law, cousins try talking to me or stare at me or avoid me until I'm done. My dad always tells me I need to wake up and talk. Recently I've been having trouble sleeping. Two Saturday's ago, I woke up about 2:20 am and realized I didn't pray my goodnight prayers, so I began to pray. I finished about 4 am or a little after. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep that day. The lack of praying my goodnight prayers tend to cause me the most concern. As writing this, I'm breaking my punishment to stay off the Internet for skipping ,as I call it, my goodnight prayer request. I know everyone I prayer for needs hel or prayer for them, I'm not looking to stop praying for them or praying by any means, just help. I ask for help and guidance from any and all please.

Amen.

I feel like I just messed up writing and posting this

 

[Mari17]

Dear Greg32,

First, Father, may YOU bring this brother peace and abundant life, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Greg, I agree with Mari17 that it does sound like OCD. I think Mari17's post was full of wisdom.

The expectation to pray as you had been praying according to your post, or as you may feel you are supposed to, is not from God.

I believe there are three false perspectives that you have held onto:

1. Not praying in a certain way, for a certain amount of time will lead to harm or a lack of good for someone else.
2. Not praying in a certain way, for a certain amount of time is going against God.
3. If you do something wrong, you have to punish yourself in some way.

May these false perspectives be broken and gone, in Jesus' name.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but ...

For false perspective #1:

• HE is sovereign, not your prayers, nor your obedience to any feeling that you have to do such and such to prevent something unwanted for somebody. The well being of every single human being on this planet, past, present, and future is, ultimately, in His hands.
• What if, in faith, you chose to believe that God would not let a single thing be harmed or lack good on account of you? I think that's the fear, or at least it's part of the fear. Choose to believe that God will not allow any harm to come to anyone on account of you not praying in a certain way, for a certain amount of time (or for not praying according to how you feel you should pray). I think that could be pretty helpful. Additionally, God knows your heart, HE knows you do not want harm to come to anybody on account you not praying the right way. Trust HIM here (and I'm speaking to you and to myself here). It is a desire of your heart, HE knows it, and I believe HE will not allow any harm upon anyone on account of you not praying a certain way. To believe otherwise, my friend, is to believe a lie. It is not healthy, nor is it right to believe lies.

For false perspective #2:

• Maybe it's not just that you think something bad will happen (reminder, Greg, that view is a lie), but maybe you also think or feel like you are going against what GOD wants. Isn't it interesting that when the disciples asked for guidance / teaching on how to pray in Luke 11, Jesus does not advocate for a long, unpleasant prayer. Instead, it's a more pleasant picture of prayer.
• But this feeling of guilt, this feeling that you may not be doing enough, this feeling that GOD is displeased with you... I don't like it. I disagree with it. I want to share with you what I have found to be really helpful in this area. I believe that Christians grow. In 2Cor. 3:18, Paul writes that we are being transformed from one degree of glory to another. In Romans 8:29 he writes that we are being conformed into the image Jesus. Wow! That is great news! We, believers in Jesus, are growing! We are becoming who HE wants us to become! And, we are doing what HE wants us to do more and more (not perfectly, but increasingly). And HE is bringing this about!
• You are not disobeying GOD by choosing to stop praying whenever you want to stop. You are not sinning. It's a false perspective / false feeling that says you are doing the wrong thing in stopping when you want to stop.
• Additionally, the way you spoke about movies, TV, the internet, and reading is something I would like to challenge. In 1Timothy, Paul writes that HE "provides us with everything to enjoy" (ESV). Clearly this is not meant to be permission to sin and enjoy it. But I think there are programs and movies that can be enjoyed. Books and magazines, and online websites and articles, as well. Even activities, too (playing sports or drawing, for example).

For false perspective #3:

• The punishment for every single failure (sin) has been fully carried out in the death of Jesus Christ. You do not owe anything. Are you familiar with the passage in Matthew 18, where Jesus gives a parable about a servant who owed a lot of money, but couldn't pay? I would argue that all of us have a debt that we cannot pay. How many good deeds would it take? How much sacrifice (not doing what we want to do / doing what we do not want to do) would it take? Sometimes we just feel like giving this up, or that up, will make things right. But I would challenge that feeling. That may be a false feeling. I believe Jesus cares more about us being loving and merciful people than being people who make sacrifices (Matthew 9:13 and 12:7). But think about it, our self-imposed punishments are kind of like payments. Are we saying the payment of Jesus' death on the cross is not enough? Are we saying we have to add to it by denying ourselves because of a mistake we made? Because it seems like your motive for punishing yourself is to "pay" what you owe. My friend, the debt has been paid for. So act like it! Your debt is paid!

Greg, I wish you deep and transcending peace. Joy, as well. And true freedom.

Thank you for this response. It was encouraging for me as well. Do you have OCD/scrupulosity, too?

 

[Freedom0401]

Thank you for this response. It was encouraging for me as well. Do you have OCD/scrupulosity, too?

Based on my understanding of OCD and the more specific form of it known as scrupulosity, I believe I do wrestle with this.

 

[Mari17]

Based on my understanding of OCD and the more specific form of it known as scrupulosity, I believe I do wrestle with this.

Have you had any obsessions/scrupulosity about trying to figure out what to do about "gray" areas, or lifestyle/discipline issues mentioned in the Bible? This seems to be the most common type of obsession I have these days. My first reaction is to do a lot of research to "figure it out," but that almost seems to be a compulsion, because it leads to more and more questions. But it feels so weird to just do nothing, except for pray and ask God to keep "recalibrating" my mind so I can think about the issues logically again. Do you have any advice for dealing with this kind of obsession, if you've experienced it?

 

[scott P]

Mari, that is my main obsession/compulsion. I've had the classic obsession/compulsions of compulsive confessing, checking, etc. But OCD has attacked my faith as well. When it comes to gray areas, it's obviously not black and white and CLEAR OCD. What's true for you, might not be true for me. Take watching movies for example. Who's to say it's OCD vs the Holy Spirits conviction? Thoughts? I've read lots of your posts on here and really respect your insight!

 

[Mari17]

Mari, that is my main obsession/compulsion. I've had the classic obsession/compulsions of compulsive confessing, checking, etc. But OCD has attacked my faith as well. When it comes to gray areas, it's obviously not black and white and CLEAR OCD. What's true for you, might not be true for me. Take watching movies for example. Who's to say it's OCD vs the Holy Spirits conviction? Thoughts? I've read lots of your posts on here and really respect your insight!

Thanks for reaching out! This is the kind of obsession I've had the most in recent years. It definitely is hard. I don't have it figured out, but I have sort of learned to identify obsessions by the feel. Usually with an obsession I feel afraid and oppressed, and the issue feels urgent, like I must figure it out right now and can't stop thinking about it. So, I'm learning that the issue itself is not the problem - all Christians have these type of concerns, and have to figure out these gray areas - the problem is the way I'm thinking about it. My OCD usually attaches a much greater level of fear to the issue than it warrants, and causes me to be hyper-analytical about it. On the mental level, I think using therapy strategies (e.g. ERP) can help. But I also think there's a spiritual component, in that we have to learn to trust God more and ourselves less. (This does NOT mean I think OCD is a spiritual problem though!!). I'll post links to a couple of resources I've found especially helpful for scrupulosity. Feel free to ask more questions if you'd like!
https://ocdandchristianity.com/?p=610 Not sure if I agree with everything stated in this post, but I found a lot of it helpful. All the blog posts on this site are great.
OCD | Center for Biblical Counseling & Discipleship I'm currently listening to the last podcast listed on this page, and finding it quite helpful.

 

[scott P]

Thanks for responding Mari! That’s really helpful and encouraging. Could you explain more the “issue itself is not the problem?”

I really love Dr. Osborn’s website. I’ve read almost all those blogs lol. I met with him on FaceTime too several times and really appreciate him.

I’ll check out the other site too. I’m hesitant on some sites that are strictly “biblical counseling.” Not at all that I don’t love the Word! I read it daily, and memorize frequently, but I feel like some “biblical” approaches are from well-intentioned people that have no idea what OCD is like. They really lack professional understanding also. What are your thoughts on strictly “biblical” counseling?
Thank you for your help, I may have some more questions later if that’s ok