Without sounding stupid here, let me ask a question. I have spent so much time handling everything.
Would it be unfair if I just told him that I can't write anymore and I really don't want to file for bankruptcy? Would it be unfair for me to ask him to lead our family and fix these issues? And if he doesn't/won't ... Then finally say I need to step away for me and for my son?
He had NEVER lead anything in our family and every time I've tried to give him the reins.. We've ended up in DEEP trouble.
Thanks to you guys here... For the first time I really feel like I can see that I need to let go and just hand over the burden to him. He can at least try and step up and help... If he cares, right?
This shouldn't be just on me, right?
We're just getting one side of the story here. You said your husband doesn't want to go to a counselor to get the other side. (Have you tried a priest, friend etc. who doesn't have the 'counselor' label?) I notice you say things about resentment. We don't mean to, but we all put our own spin on things because we see it from our perspective.
What you've said about your husband not protecting you or caring for you after you were sick really concern me. On the other hand, he does work a full-time job and seems to be basically responsible on a number of areas on his life. I wouldn't want to advise someone to leave their husband and take the kids. I also think it's a bit dangerous for someone to do that just based on a conversation like this with limited information.
But this man should be holding the reigns. If you want him to hold the reigns and take over responsibility, you might have to let him drive you into trouble, or let him drive you into a way that seems like you'll be in trouble. You'll have to give him freedom to make some mistakes without fearing he will get it from you.
Why isn't he taking over? Maybe he doesn't understand what a man is supposed to be. Maybe he didn't have a good role model, or just didn't pay attention to it. Maybe he made a conscious choice. He could be insecure, and you are a real go-getter, so he got into this mode where you are like his mother and take care of everything.
The problem with that is, that is usually a cycle, IMO--I'm not an expert on this, so I'm just speaking from what I've seen and read. The wife controls things around the house. If the man doesn't go along with it, she gives him a hard time. To keep the peace, the man placates his wife, instead of standing up to her when she's being bossy or domineering or won't let him take the reigns. Or he could just be passive and like his wife doing this. If the man doesn't tow the line she gives him, she gets emotional or whatever. He just wants peace when he comes home, so he doesn't want to rock her emotional boat. So she calls the shots, and he kind of enjoys letting her handle everything. He's afraid she'll get on his case if he tries to take something over and messes up.
If you study management, you'll see that highly innovate cultures 'reward failure.' At the very least, they allow room for it. If you worked at 3M, a highly innovative adhesives company, and you got an okay from other experts in the company about a new product idea, you did your market research, and everything made sense to launch the product-- but it flopped-- they wouldn't fire you. A highly innovative company might actually reward you a little bit for taking initiative. The reason is, in their case, a lot of things fail, but they need people to be innovators.
If you want your husband to take over responsibility-- even take over the reigns from the family, you need to let him make some mistakes. If you are there to grab the reigns from him when he starts driving a way you don't like, that's counterproductive.
My wife used to be a terrible backseat driver. She sat shotgun, but she'd keep telling me to get in this lane or that to get out of the traffic in a congested Asian city. It was maddening. She didn't have the driver's side mirror to see the traffic coming. Fortunately, she stopped that. I think it was a work of the Lord in her heart that was rather all encompassing that stopped it. Last night, she started doing it again and I asked her to stop. Fortunately, she did.
Your husband doesn't need you there telling him how to drive as if you are driving through him. If he doesn't want to take over the reigns because you've had them, and he doesn't have any confidence or just doesn't realize that those are his reigns you've been holding, and his responsibility, that's a little more difficult. My guess is that is the situation you find him in.
I guess you could try explaining that those are his reigns you've been holding. You can apologize for your part of holding the reigns, and assure him, if he takes them, even if he wrecks the sleigh, you'll still respect him-- so he won't be too afraid of making a mistake. But you do want him to drive. If he'll agree to drive and really do it, you may find yourself in a less stressful situation-- eventually. Letting him drive may be really stressful at first.
If you let him make a few mistakes and don't go nuclear on him, that may help him build up his confidence. If he's insecure about himself, this may go a long way. You also have to communicate that he doesn't placate you, by accepting things he wants to do, not trying to dominate the decision making or getting huffy if you don't get your way. Encourage him. Tell him you respect him if he makes a decision, and you are so happy he's taken over these responsibilities to let you focus on other things.
And don't underestimate praying for him. My wife is a great woman, but she's a human being everyone else. She's a very capable person. But there have been some areas in her life where she's needed some work. She had a tendency to try to take things over-- something a capable, sometimes driven, person like her might find natural. There were issues related to respect and various other things. I started praying intensely for her, asked God to speak to her, and God answered a rather long prayer list point by point. About two nights later, she started telling me how God had shown here most of the things I'd prayed the Lord show her about herself, and she told me about Him speaking to her about the rest of the things within a few weeks. Pray in faith for your husband to step up and take responsibilities, and for yourself to have the strength to step back. Sometimes it takes more strength to control yourself and step back than it does to take care of things all by yourself.
As far as not writing erotica or going bankrupt goes, you serve God first. You shouldn't sin to please your hsuband. Honoring God should underlie your motivation for how you interact with your husband. The reason you respect/reverence your husband should be because you respect and reverence Christ and you show it to Christ by respecting your husband. The way you treat your husband should be 'as unto the Lord.' This is how we should do our work and live our lives, as unto the Lord. It's pretty heavy when you think about it. Again, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and I Peter 3 give a lot of guidance for your situation. It's hard if your husband is passive. But you can discuss those passages, and maybe he'll get a visions for what he is supposed to be like from these passages and run with it.
