Please tell me if I'm wrong

[4Bear]

He tells me that if we move and pull our son out of his first grade private school that we will be letting our son down. Which I do not want to do ... Of course.

So, when your son grows up will you be proud to tell him that you funded his catholic school education by writing erotica? I would not want my mom doing that. I would feel ashamed of costing my mother her integrity. And I would be angry at my mother for choosing to sell her soul to "save" mine.

If your husband really cared about a moral education for your son, I don't think he would be pushing you to write ever more steamy erotica and lie to the court.

 

[LinkH]

You shouldn't sin against God to follow your husband on these things. Do what is right in the sight of God and keep a clean conscience.

 

[jminnesota]

yea pray and go with what god would want you to do in life always

 

[Helpme22]

I am struggling because I firmly believe we often become the person we surround ourself with. It's hard to live with someone who likes to take the easy way out. I feel like separating might at least give me a chance to see life from an objective standpoint. I don't know, I just realize what I've done so far, has not helped me.

 

[LinkH]

I am struggling because I firmly believe we often become the person we surround ourself with. It's hard to live with someone who likes to take the easy way out. I feel like separating might at least give me a chance to see life from an objective standpoint. I don't know, I just realize what I've done so far, has not helped me.

I know your husband has his issues, but would you want to be around someone (yourself included) who separates from her spouse for those types of reasons? As far as I know, Catholicism frowns on separation and is really against divorce.

 

[Helpme22]

Well he has repeatedly suggested I write erotic books.
Wanted me to sue my mom for my dad's estate.
Isn't around in emergencies.
Doesn't want to even support me through a bankruptcy
Won't pick up extra work...
2 years ago he was investigated by CPS for "accidentally kicking our son"

Doesn't this sound extreme?

 

[Hetta]

Yes it is extreme.

 

[LinkH]

Well he has repeatedly suggested I write erotic books.
Wanted me to sue my mom for my dad's estate.
Isn't around in emergencies.
Doesn't want to even support me through a bankruptcy
Won't pick up extra work...
2 years ago he was investigated by CPS for "accidentally kicking our son"

Doesn't this sound extreme?

Do you believe the CPS thing was an accident btw? Did you see it? If you really know/believe it was an accident, you shouldn't put it on the list. I know CPS people are looking for work to do, and in some cases innocent parents become victims. Even a false accusation proven false can make someone's name mud when it comes to this type of thing.

Your husband has his issues, and this financial responsibility thing is a big one. But I don't see that as grounds for divorce. If you refuse on the erotica, my guess is that he will back off. Suing your mom's estate-- that's pretty bad. I remember there was more to the story than that and it was a pretty elaborate thing, but I don't remember the details. Btw, did he apologize about that? What is your criteria for taking a mistake off the list. If you keep compiling a list, after a few decades, it will be very long, and if you just put the bad things on there, you can make him look very bad. Maybe that's why they don't appoint married popes-- so no one will have a long list of flaws on them. (just kidding of course.)

If your husband had the ability to keep lists like this in his head about the things you've done wrong, could he get a negative reaction about you on an Internet forum? This sounds like a number of things spread out over a series of years. It seems like some women are more 'gifted' and keeping track of lists. If your husband were that gifted, how would you stack up?

Maybe you should consider getting some criteria for getting things off of this list. Does God keep a list on you like that? What about after you've repented and been forgiven?

 

[mkgal1]

Maybe you should consider getting some criteria for getting things off of this list. Does God keep a list on you like that? What about after you've repented and been forgiven?

That's the issue, though......he hasn't repented or else there wouldn't *be* a list. I'm sure if HelpMe were able to get things resolved on her own (w/o her husband's cooperation) she would have. It seems the whole purpose of this thread is trying to brainstorm and figure out if there even *is* a way for her to do that. It doesn't seem helpful to turn the tables on her.

 

[Helpme22]

Well thanks for this support. I am trying my best...

I could a) pick a new house And move us.

2) control all the bills.

3) try to find a way to make more money..

If I do all of that... We will be on a better path. Problem is.. I don't think I can see him as my "husband". Does he even care about me? He says he does.. But how do I see proof?

I do believe my husband kicked our son out of anger a few years ago. He was angry. I held my son as he was gasping for breath. I don't think it will happen again... But I believe it DID happen.

 

[cactusrose]

There is to me a difference in keeping a list of past behaviors repented of.And keeping a list of past and present behaviors that indicate the person in fact has not repented because its a pattern over the years that more or less show what that persons motivations are.In this case I think it shows a pattern of a spirit of selfishness,dishonestly and lack of control.And thus far an unwillingness to work on that to change.These things are not minor and petty either.Not from my standpoint.Its not a "list" that points to the person is for instance a chronic slob .Its a list that points to he sounds like he cares more about himself than his wife to an extreme. Hes O.K with her in fact wants her to do what she considers immoral as well as commit federal crimes sue her widowed mother which again would be selfish and immoral all so he is not inconvenienced .

And as far is that a reason to separate?Notice your husband was perfectly willing to separate (live separately) for a few months so he didn't have to again be inconvenienced by having to move or give up the bigger apartment .But your unreasonable to suggest a separation over his apparent lack of concern for you in quite a few serious ways?With the intent being maybe he will be shaken into some sort of desire to wake up and stop thinking of only himself?

 

[mkgal1]

Well thanks for this support. I am trying my best...

I could a) pick a new house And move us.

2) control all the bills.

3) try to find a way to make more money..

If I do all of that... We will be on a better path. Problem is.. I don't think I can see him as my "husband". Does he even care about me? He says he does.. But how do I see proof?

I do believe my husband kicked our son out of anger a few years ago. He was angry. I held my son as he was gasping for breath. I don't think it will happen again... But I believe it DID happen.

You can pick a new house and move your son and yourself (going along with the bankruptcy court's rules). I don't really know how you could move your husband, if he doesn't want to go. If he wants to violate the rules----that's his decision, but you don't need to pay any consequences that fall on him for that. He will have to come up with the rent though.

Is your checking acct in your name only? (I can't recall....sorry).

I don't see what would be wrong about you taking control of the bills in your own name (that's your financial reputation---and you have rightful authority over that).

As long as your husband is acting like your enemy, like it sounds like he has been.........then to try to separate your life *until* he can love you as a husband does (and love your son as a father does) is what makes sense to me. That's not punishing him.......it's trying to protect your life and your son's life. It's even trying to get your husband on the right path......for *his* benefit.

Look at this passage I read yesterday.....

Their land is full of idols;
the people worship things they have made
with their own hands.
So now they will be humbled,
and all will be brought low—
do not forgive them.~Isaiah 2:8-9

 

[cactusrose]

I'm not sure if you can file for personal bankruptcy individually if you are married.The debts and assets are joint and so is the income.Otherwise one spouse could put all the debt in their name and file for bankruptcy including only listing their income while the other all the assets in theirs including their income separate.Its considered joint debt joint assets if you are married.That is the crucial reason each other should be on the same page and considerate as to finances.I could be wrong though.

 

[mkgal1]

That sounds right to me......especially the part about it not seeming possible (ind bankruptcy, when married), as then people would just shift assets.

 

[4Bear]

Well he has repeatedly suggested I write erotic books.
Wanted me to sue my mom for my dad's estate.
Isn't around in emergencies.
Doesn't want to even support me through a bankruptcy
Won't pick up extra work...
2 years ago he was investigated by CPS for "accidentally kicking our son"

Doesn't this sound extreme?

It sounds self centered.

 

[4Bear]

Well thanks for this support. I am trying my best...

I could a) pick a new house And move us.

2) control all the bills.

3) try to find a way to make more money..

If I do all of that... We will be on a better path. Problem is.. I don't think I can see him as my "husband". Does he even care about me? He says he does.. But how do I see proof?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You can't change your husband. The question is what can you change? What I see from the following list that you can change is that you can learn to say "no" to anything that violates your conscience.

Well he has repeatedly suggested I write erotic books.
Wanted me to sue my mom for my dad's estate.
Isn't around in emergencies.
Doesn't want to even support me through a bankruptcy
Won't pick up extra work...
2 years ago he was investigated by CPS for "accidentally kicking our son"

You can say "no" to writing erotica. You can say "no" to lying to the bankruptcy court. You can say "no" to abusiveness toward you or your son.

You seem to have a sensitive conscience and if I was you I would not continue violating my conscience for anyone.

Have a look at Acts 5 in the Bible and think about what the wife could have done differently to have a different outcome.

As for the future with your husband, once you develop the ability to say "no", your husband will then have to decide if he can tolerate a righteous wife or not. If not, I suppose he will move on and find a better match- a woman who is willing to accompany him on his pathway to destruction (like the Acts 5 wife).

 

[Helpme22]

Well as for the bankruptcy.. Yes I can file individually. Lawyer is doing all of this.

What is maddening is I get sucked into my husband. Like this morning he called me to tell me how proud he is of me for being such a great mom and such a fantastic writer.

He sounds very supportive... But he is trying to use this as encouragement to keep things the way they are.

I'm going to just sit him down. Tell him we have to move. Tell him that I'm going to stop writing... And that we are going to therapy. Even he gets angry ... Then I will have to get strong enough to tell him where the door is.

He just gets so defensive and mean when I have any objection. He will immediately say "I guess I'm just a failure... Clearly you don't think I'm good enough for you...".

This happens EVERY time. And it's maddening.

 

[cactusrose]

Well as for the bankruptcy.. Yes I can file individually. Lawyer is doing all of this.

What is maddening is I get sucked into my husband. Like this morning he called me to tell me how proud he is of me for being such a great mom and such a fantastic writer.

He sounds very supportive... But he is trying to use this as encouragement to keep things the way they are.

I'm going to just sit him down. Tell him we have to move. Tell him that I'm going to stop writing... And that we are going to therapy. Even he gets angry ... Then I will have to get strong enough to tell him where the door is.

He just gets so defensive and mean when I have any objection. He will immediately say "I guess I'm just a failure... Clearly you don't think I'm good enough for you...".

This happens EVERY time. And it's maddening.

He may think hes a failure and not good enough for you and that's what he is projecting on to you .Or that can also now that I have experienced it enough to research it be a passive aggressive statement similar to "fine your right I'm wrong" .Or "I guess I will just kill myself that way you can be happy" etc.Either way its not very productive and its sort of immature.A way to avoid the issue at hand and make you feel guilty or sorry for them.

If he says that simply say "please don't change the subject this isn't about your failure this is about our family and our delima and how to take steps to improve our situation".

 

[mkgal1]

The LORD accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected. Why are you so angry?" the LORD asked Cain. "Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.~Genesis 4

Your last post, HelpMe, made this passage come to my mind. It's not that your h is a "failure" ......it's simply that he's at a crossroads, where he has a choice to make.

 

[LinkH]

Well as for the bankruptcy.. Yes I can file individually. Lawyer is doing all of this.

What is maddening is I get sucked into my husband. Like this morning he called me to tell me how proud he is of me for being such a great mom and such a fantastic writer.

He sounds very supportive... But he is trying to use this as encouragement to keep things the way they are.

I'm going to just sit him down. Tell him we have to move. Tell him that I'm going to stop writing... And that we are going to therapy. Even he gets angry ... Then I will have to get strong enough to tell him where the door is.

He just gets so defensive and mean when I have any objection. He will immediately say "I guess I'm just a failure... Clearly you don't think I'm good enough for you...".

This happens EVERY time. And it's maddening.

I don't think the 'tell him where the door is' approach is the right way to go.

First, I believe you should pray about it and read the scriptures and meditate on how they apply to this situation. For yourself, you can read Ephesians 5:22-24 and 33, Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1-6.

When you talk with your husband, you could ask him to let you talk for five minutes or so uninterrupted to explain the situation again. There just isn't any money. You can't sin against the Lord by writing dirty books or committing fraud during a bankruptcy. You've done the math, and you don't see how you can keep the apartment.

Ask him to read you can ask him to read Ephesians 5:22-33 I Peter 3:1-7. Tell him you want to do your part in following this, and ask him what he can do to fulfill his Biblical role as a husband to lead you out of this situation. Instead of show him the door, you can just tell him you doing something sinful to get out of the situation-- either with the erotica or fraudulently getting another apartment to trick the court. If he doesn't come up with something, the only option is to just not pay rent next month. If he pushes on the erotica, tell him you can't do that. He needs to look at the numbers and come up with something.

If he decides to move, he'll probably be more likely to move the heavy boxes if he was the one who decided to move.