Please tell me if I'm wrong

[Helpme22]

Here’s my story. Verge of divorce.Married a man for 12 years One child who is 6. My husband is like living with 2 different people at time.

He makes a good living – although I’m the bread winner.] I work full time and double his income. He works hard – but doesn’t ever see himself trying to make more money.

Since day 1 – I’ve always made more than him. He’s never had a problem with it (so he says).But, he has always wanted the best of the best. I have enabled him too long – and we have been in and out of therapy.
Basically,I have learned not to enable. I’m working on it. But I’m forced to file for bankruptcy. He hasn’t attended any of the meetings or helped me with the paperwork.
He’s just stayed quiet. Except he asked me to work on my ebook projects more. He wants me to writE erotica.] We were so broke – I reluctantly agreed to look into it. Well, I recognized it’s easy money. So I told him I would if we told NO ONE.
I discovered on a text message he told one of my old coworkers that I was writing “smut”. When I confronted him he denied it.
So now my book is about done and he read it and said it needed to be hotter. I’m Catholic and really struggling with that. I feel bad. I know it even impacts my own emotions while writing it.He truly thinks I’m going to make thousands of dollars a month with it. I have a “normal” ebook that brings in a few hundred a month…already. But, he thinks it’s my “exit” from corporate life --

We don’t have a good sex life. In fact, he’s very selfish. He also wants nothing to do with downsizing. He cooks and cleans – is a decent father. But, he is NEVER there for me when I need him to be.

Again – we’ve been through therapy. He changes for a little while and then we always come back to the same issue.
I’m considering leaving. But, I’m really scared to go out on my own. Maybe I’m just too picky?
I pray that someone can help me. I just feel like it’s do or die – now or never for me. I’m in the middle of bankruptcy…now would be the time to file…if I do.

Please –advice?
He's not a bad guy... But at the same time he suggested I sue my mother for my fathers insurance when he died.. Which would end our relationship. Yes she has issues .. But still. He apologized for that but said he thought my father would have wanted me to have some. (I will get it when She Dies)

 

[Avniel]

I don't know it just sounds to me like someone has annoying personality traits but like you said he's not a bad guy. Good father, helps around the house and he cares about his relationship with you.

 

[LinkH]

Sounds like you need to learn to live within your means. Maybe you can take one of those church financial counseling seminars that teaches couples to live just on the husband's income and put the wife's in the bank or use it for emergencies.

You say your husband is never there for you? Does he leave the house if you have a crisis, or does he just not know how to make you tick enough to calm you down when you are upset? If it's the latter, a lot of us guys have experienced that.

I think you've answered your own question. If he's a decent man and a decent father, why should you divorce him? Just work out your problems.

 

[Helpme22]

No if there's a problem he will not help. He is absent when there's a crisis. Basically becomes unreachable. I'm filing bankruptcy and he is not helping or anything.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Sounds like you need to learn to live within your means. Maybe you can take one of those church financial counseling seminars that teaches couples to live just on the husband's income and put the wife's in the bank or use it for emergencies.

You say your husband is never there for you? Does he leave the house if you have a crisis, or does he just not know how to make you tick enough to calm you down when you are upset? If it's the latter, a lot of us guys have experienced that.

I think you've answered your own question. If he's a decent man and a decent father, why should you divorce him? Just work out your problems.

Did you not read the OP? Her entire post was about how they need to live within their means, but her husband wants nothing to do with that. How will your advice help?

Helpme, you need to do what God would want you to do. Just because your husband wants you to write something that's against your conscience, doesn't mean that you have to.

This comes to mind.

Acts 5:1-8
5:1 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,

2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.

3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?

4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.

5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.

6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.

7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.

8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea,Acts 5:8-10
for so much.

9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.

10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, Acts 5:10
and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.

KJV

The point is that you need to not give in to temptation on this. Even going bankrupt isn't the end of the world. You can come back from that, but you do need to learn not to let anyone, including your husband, convince you to go against your conscious.

 

[JCLover779]

Which thing are you asking if you are wrong about? Writing the book? Feeling the way you do about him? Something else?

Personally I think you are selling yourself with the book. From how you have written what you have, it seems you are going to regret this and would rather take pride in earning the lesser money because you knew you did it in an honorable way. Probably you will resent him for "making" you do this.

I make twice what my husband does, and always have. He goes to work and does well while he is there, but he also has no incentive to ever earn more or look for a more fulfilling job. He knows that I always pick up the pieces with extra work when needed. So I get where you are coming from and I'm not chastising you for the "making you do this" comment. I would resent my husband, too.

I know you've put in a lot of time to get the book almost done, but please reconsider about publishing it...at least until you are sure YOU want to and that you can live with yourself. He's not going to carry the guilt, but you are (the guilt I hear you expressing).

 

[JCLover779]

And about the sueing your mom thing...

That speaks to serious character flaw. First, you are no longer a child whose father needs insurance in order to make sure you are provided for. He was responsible for his wife. If he had wanted money to go to you, he would have listed you as one of the beneficiaries. As to the legal issue (not the morality of it), I guess I'm naive, and I don't know what can happen legally...can you even successfully sue for something like that?

I say that my husband is a good guy, too. And he is, mostly...although he doesn't have near the integrity I like to see in people. I've had to call him on dishonest things he has done. I am commiserating with you.

 

[JCLover779]

One more thing...

You are continuing to support his financial habits and he knows you will. That's why he asked you to write a book instead of look for additional work himself. Since you are on the verge of divorce, if you file a legal separation, will that absolve you of any further debt he incurs? Does it even matter since you may be filing for bankruptcy?

 

[JCLover779]

About the bankruptcy stuff...

How could your husband already have filed ( pulling this from an old thread)? Isn't that something you do as a couple? And wouldn't he be free of his car debt if he has filed? CAN someone file with the income you have?

 

[Hetta]

Here’s my story. Verge of divorce.Married a man for 12 years One child who is 6. My husband is like living with 2 different people at time.

He makes a good living – although I’m the bread winner.] I work full time and double his income. He works hard – but doesn’t ever see himself trying to make more money.

Since day 1 – I’ve always made more than him. He’s never had a problem with it (so he says).But, he has always wanted the best of the best. I have enabled him too long – and we have been in and out of therapy.
Basically,I have learned not to enable. I’m working on it. But I’m forced to file for bankruptcy. He hasn’t attended any of the meetings or helped me with the paperwork.
He’s just stayed quiet. Except he asked me to work on my ebook projects more. He wants me to writE erotica.] We were so broke – I reluctantly agreed to look into it. Well, I recognized it’s easy money. So I told him I would if we told NO ONE.
I discovered on a text message he told one of my old coworkers that I was writing “smut”. When I confronted him he denied it.
So now my book is about done and he read it and said it needed to be hotter. I’m Catholic and really struggling with that. I feel bad. I know it even impacts my own emotions while writing it.He truly thinks I’m going to make thousands of dollars a month with it. I have a “normal” ebook that brings in a few hundred a month…already. But, he thinks it’s my “exit” from corporate life --

We don’t have a good sex life. In fact, he’s very selfish. He also wants nothing to do with downsizing. He cooks and cleans – is a decent father. But, he is NEVER there for me when I need him to be.

Again – we’ve been through therapy. He changes for a little while and then we always come back to the same issue.
I’m considering leaving. But, I’m really scared to go out on my own. Maybe I’m just too picky?
I pray that someone can help me. I just feel like it’s do or die – now or never for me. I’m in the middle of bankruptcy…now would be the time to file…if I do.

Please –advice?
He's not a bad guy... But at the same time he suggested I sue my mother for my fathers insurance when he died.. Which would end our relationship. Yes she has issues .. But still. He apologized for that but said he thought my father would have wanted me to have some. (I will get it when She Dies)

Wow. I don't know what to say about this man and I just wanted to break this down.

- You make more than he makes.

- He doesn't want to try to earn any more.

- He/you both?? spend more than you make.

- He wants you to write an erotic book - make it as sexy as possible - which you have said makes you feel uncomfortable with your faith (have you prayed about writing this book?)

- He wants you to sue your mother for your father's insurance?? (I am floored at that.)

- He doesn't meet your sexual (or emotional?) needs.

Question: what does this mean:

My husband is like living with 2 different people at time.

At present, this is a recipe for disaster. You are both responsible for balancing the family budget, and tough measures have to be taken by you both, definitely cutting up the credit cards, and if you file for bankruptcy I think that would be harder for you to get credit. But it is a joint endeavor, not just one person. It should always be both of you taking responsibilty for finances.

I would not do anything further with this book for now. It is your conscience and your walk with God that is being affected. You should tell your husband this in the strongest terms possible. Your faith and your relationship with God is or should be first in your life. Always first. Husband and child are second to this.

I can't tell you whether to divorce, and I should not. It sounds as though you want to make a clean break, but how would that affect you and your child financially, assuming that you would take custody?

 

[Helpme22]

It really is all one big mess. I am filing for bankruptcy alone because there was a settlement to a lawsuit over a rental property a few years ago that was only in my name. It's complicated but yet another example of how I was left swinging in the wind... Alone. But that settlement is breaking us financially. I spoke with an attorney. He said filing alone is better than together because everything debt related is in my name right now. Even a wedding ring ... I begged for one a few years ago. When I finally started standing up for myself through therapy.. He went and picked one out. Brought me to the store and after I said that I liked it... He told md he didn't have enough and I'd have to take out credit for the rest. I should have left, but I was so embarrassed in front of the jewelers I just did it. Again that was a long time ago... But same theme.

He just keeps thinking that I will make the problems disappear.. Like I always do. It's true. I usually do. He just likes his head in the sand.

For example, when we were moving into our current house... He told me he didn't have the ability to take any time off work. When I pressed him on it ... Said we needed help, he took the day before off. But instead of packing he told me that he got our son a last minute audition for a spot on a soap opera and he would take him to that. So he did... I was left to pack. I had planned on calling in sick on move day because he wasn't avail. Something he insisted on. So the morning of the move, there was a major emergency at work. I got called in. My job depended on it; that serious. I told my husband I didn't know what I was going to do... No child care lined up for the day either because I expected to be home. He didn't help. Told me to "handle it". Said he was going to be unreachable for a few hours and he didnt know what I should do.. But he had no options.

I nearly lost my mind and job that day, but I somehow got it all figured out thanks to some great old neighbors. My husband was just "not available". Didn't matter that our son was involved.... Or my job.

After it was all over he said "that was the best move we've ever had". He was happy go lucky...no signs of drama. When I got upset about that... HE got mad at me. Told me I didn't need to rub his nose in it.

This is what I mean. He can be like 2 different people.

 

[4Bear]

Please tell me if I'm wrong

You're wrong.

My first reaction to the financial issues was to recommend Dave Ramsey;s ministry but then I read...

he asked me to work on my ebook projects more. He wants me to writE erotica.] We were so broke – I reluctantly agreed to look into it. Well, I recognized it’s easy money. So I told him I would if we told NO ONE.

...and wondered why are you asking on a christian forum?
Do you identify yourself as a Christian?

Biblically, your marriage and personal problems are much bigger than finances!

Ephesians 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.

 

[Helpme22]

I discussed this concern last night... He sees no problem with heavy sex scenes/descriptions in the book. I said I wanted to take it out and he said it would never sell that way...

And we DO need money. But when I look to him for help... Theres nothing but empty threats.

We are both Catholic. I know... Doesn't sound good right? I just feel he keeps pushing me in the wrong direction.

 

[LinkH]

About the erotica part, I can't say all erotica is necessarily wrong. Maybe there is some 'marital erotica' that wouldn't be wrong to read. ("Your husband takes you into his arms, and carries you off....") Does your book glorify fornication or adultery?

The Lord is first. You shouldn't sin against the Lord to please your husband.

Since you are both Catholic, why don't you find a wise old priest to counsel with, preferably someone your husband respects. Tell him you are stressed and you need to talk to someone. The two of you could meet him and tell about your concerns with the erotica.

I've read some of your other posts here, and it does sound like your husband is dropping the ball. In some societies, the men in the community, extended family, etc. will give a man a little direction when he isn't living up to his responsibilities. I was talking to an Indian professor who studies cross-cultural issues, and he said that extended families will live in one house. When a young man gets married, if he keeps coming home late, the uncles, his dad, etc. will tell him he needs to see if he can come home earlier to be with his wife instead of staying out late.

Does your husband have any male relatives? Is there any kind of men's community who can give him some help? Would he be open to joining some kind of church-related men's group or club to help form some relationships like this for the long term. If there were some kind of family-oriented group that would pump him up with a sense of responsibility for his family, that might help. Maybe he could go to a retreat or you could go to one with him. There has to be some kind of Christian organization that puts that sort of thing on.

Your signature is your signature and legally obligates you. If I were you, I would try to gently have a talk with him where you come to the understanding that you aren't going to sign for credit unless you believe you can pay it off. Some of those financial ministries encourage families to base their major life expenses off the man's income. Practically, this makes sense because the woman is the one who gives birth and nurses babies. Maybe you could take one of these courses-- I think Crown has one-- and put together a budget. Will he go for something like that? If he were paying for house and cars, that might help you a lot.

 

[Helpme22]

Thanks for the insight. I agree that this advice would be useful. I just keep coming back to the SAME issues.. Different scenario.

He doesn't have any male figures in his life. We live away from family and his father is clueless. He praises my husband ... He just doesn't see the whole picture.

He basically has no friends and despite my encouragement... He has no gumption to meet anyone.

He thinks life is just grand. Even though I told him we were on thin I've again and begged for therapy months ago... He would be shocked if I came home tonight and said I wanted a divorce.

He spends so much time praising my books.. Texting me about how I'm such a creative writer and he's sooo proud of me. He says he firmly believes I'm going to make truckloads of money.

He doesn't get it. Never really has.. I suppose.

 

[Helpme22]

I also want to say that .. Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month.

My husband doesn't want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months.. So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment.

So that is what I'm being faced with.

 

[jminnesota]

start praying together and go to church together bring faith back into the relationship and bring back the reason why you married eachother. spice up the bedroom so you both enjoy sex again. as for money tell him to help out more. or cut back on what you have and live with what you make. sounds like he helps around house and is good father. it is more common these days for dads to stay home and wifes to work. its not like the old days where the man worked 50 hours and the wife stayed home.

 

[LinkH]

I also want to say that .. Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month.

My husband doesn't want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months.. So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment.

So that is what I'm being faced with.

How do you think he would react if you gave him a budget and asked him to calculate how much the rent should be to fit in the budget?

I know you hate to move, but based on your previous posts, if you are going to go bankrupt, the apartment rent may be the one big expense you can reduce in your budget to make things work. Normally, I suppose you would be liable for the whole lease until they found a new tenant, but I'm not sure how bankruptcy would work with that.

If your name is on the lease for the current house, I don't see how getting another apartment would be an option.

 

[Helpme22]

The bankruptcy nullifies my lease. But my husband won't move. He wants to keep it.. And told me to move for a few months into the "affordable" one and then move back home after the courts are done.

 

[Romanseight2005]

The bankruptcy nullifies my lease. But my husband won't move. He wants to keep it.. And told me to move for a few months into the "affordable" one and then move back home after the courts are done.

But if the bankruptcy nullifies the lease, then how can he stay there? I mean, won't the sheriff come and escort him out or something?