Platonic bed sharing while married.

[bhsmte]

Hrm... close friend is badly traumatized, needs comfort and doesn't want to sleep alone? There is comfort and reassurance afforded through close contact but no sexual contact. I'm assuming that's what is meant by 'platonic bed sharing' in the first place.

Comfort from closeness is one thing, actually needing to sleep with them to provide this, is another.

 

[quatona]

I guess I would ask, under what circumstances would a spouse even ask the other if it is ok if they share a plutonic bed with the opposite sex?

Hang on...you mean if he did it without asking there´d be no problem?

The circumstance is presumably: He isn´t sure whether his wife connotates sharing a bed as necessarily sexually.
If she answers yes, apparently she doesn´t.

I know people who even asked their spouses if it is ok if they go to the cinema/for dinner with a person of the opposite sex, or stay for the night in their guestroom.

Heck, not long ago it was a widely held belief that you can´t leave a man and a woman alone in one room without them immediately having sex.

 

[quatona]

I´m not getting this. If you don´t have a problem with heterosexual people of the same sex sleeping in one bed together, you already acknowledge there can be non-sexual reasons for seeking this closeness.

Personally, I have spent quite some night with a girl/woman in one bed without there being any sexuality involved. You´ve spent an intense day together, you´ve been talking about very personal things that evening, you feel very close and connected - and parting simply because it´s bedtime doesn´t make much sense and doesn´t feel organic.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hang on...you mean if he did it without asking there´d be no problem?

The circumstance is presumably: He isn´t sure whether his wife connotates sharing a bed as necessarily sexually.
If she answers yes, apparently she doesn´t.

I know people who even asked their spouses if it is ok if they go to the cinema/for dinner with a person of the opposite sex, or stay for the night in their guestroom.

Heck, not long ago it was a widely held belief that you can´t leave a man and a woman alone in one room without them immediately having sex.

Quite frankly, I WOULD ask my husband before going to dinner or movies with another man? As a matter of respecting him. And I would expect him to do the same. Except ... I honestly don't find myself wanting to go out with anyone but him, and he doesn't show any desire to do so either.

If staying in a guestroom were necessary, it would be ok, but I don't think it's likely to be necessary. And I would ask, out of respect, and I would expect him to do the same.

I'm not afraid to be alone in a room with someone - that's a little ridiculous. But before I spent any length of time with a man other than my husband, well, unless there was a good reason, I just wouldn't do it. I would ask my husband to be there too, or the other man's wife, or whatever. When I write a man an email, or on facebook, I greet him and his family. That way no one misunderstands anyone's intentions.

I just think it's better to hold one another in respect.

Frankly, I'd be very unhappy in marriage if my husband were having dinner alone with other women, wanting to sleep with them even platonically, and so on. Sorry, but I wouldn't be willing to let that happen, and I don't think it's healthy for the marriage. I somehow don't think my sentiments are all that strange either, at least among committed couples.

 

[quatona]

Quite frankly, I WOULD ask my husband before going to dinner or movies with another man? As a matter of respecting him. And I would expect him to do the same. Except ... I honestly don't find myself wanting to go out with anyone but him, and he doesn't show any desire to do so either.

If staying in a guestroom were necessary, it would be ok, but I don't think it's likely to be necessary. And I would ask, out of respect, and I would expect him to do the same.

I'm not afraid to be alone in a room with someone - that's a little ridiculous. But before I spent any length of time with a man other than my husband, well, unless there was a good reason, I just wouldn't do it. I would ask my husband to be there too, or the other man's wife, or whatever. When I write a man an email, or on facebook, I greet him and his family. That way no one misunderstands anyone's intentions.

I just think it's better to hold one another in respect.

Frankly, I'd be very unhappy in marriage if my husband were having dinner alone with other women, wanting to sleep with them even platonically, and so on. Sorry, but I wouldn't be willing to let that happen, and I don't think it's healthy for the marriage. I somehow don't think my sentiments are all that strange either, at least among committed couples.

Well, of course you are free and highly welcome to live your marriage as you see fit, and I wasn´t the one who said that a certain way of living it was "strange".
It was more like people told someone else how his way of living his marriage was "strange" (with "strange" being a comparably mild paraphrasing of what they actually said) - assuming that everyone feels like they do and has the exactly same idea of "respect" as they do.

The OP did ask his wife (and if his wife had been you this would have been the opportunity to tell him about your feelings), and - unlike you - she didn´t object. Thus, quite obviously, these two persons have different ideas and feelings about marriage than you and your husband have.

Giving good advice is something completely different than imposing your views upon others.

What, however, strikes me as a little strange is not that he asked his wife, but that he asked us after she had said it was ok with her.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Well, of course you are free and highly welcome to live your marriage as you see fit, and I wasn´t the one who said that a certain way of living it was "strange".
It was more like people told someone else how his way of living his marriage was "strange" (with "strange" being a comparably mild paraphrasing of what they actually said) - assuming that everyone feels like they do and has the exactly same idea of "respect" as they do.

The OP did ask his wife (and if his wife had been you this would have been the opportunity to tell him about your feelings), and - unlike you - she didn´t object. Thus, quite obviously, these two persons have different ideas and feelings about marriage than you and your husband have.

Giving good advice is something completely different than imposing your views upon others.

What, however, strikes me as a little strange is not that he asked his wife, but that he asked us after she had said it was ok with her.

Well, I hope I wasn't disrespectful anywhere. I've answered on this thread before, and I think what I just said was the most strongly worded post.

I certainly don't agree with IMPOSING. If you told me my next door neighbor was sharing a bed with a woman not his wife, and it was ok with his wife, well, I'd wonder why you told me and I'd say it was none of my business. No one asked me.

But the OP came here and DID ask. He came to a Christian forum, and asked if this was a moral choice. So I'm assuming I am free to answer from the standpoint of my personal Christian morals.

I'm not imposing. Just giving my opinion, which I think was what was requested?

But I'm with you ... if he thinks it's ok, and his wife thinks it's ok ... and the other woman thinks it's ok - well he still has to deal with the other woman's husband who DOESN'T think it's ok, but ... not sure why he's asking us?

 

[Golden Yak]

Comfort from closeness is one thing, actually needing to sleep with them to provide this, is another.

Hence the permission getting, presumably.

And again, I'm not talking sex, just slumber.

 

[bhsmte]

Hence the permission getting, presumably.

And again, I'm not talking sex, just slumber.

Again, barring very unusual circumstances (serious health issue, etc.) I am really struggling to understand why a married spouse would ask permission to sleep in the same bed with someone from the opposite sex. And no, I am not advocating her doing it without asking either.

 

[quatona]

Well, I hope I wasn't disrespectful anywhere. I've answered on this thread before, and I think what I just said was the most strongly worded post.

To me, you didn´t come across as disrespectful.

I certainly don't agree with IMPOSING. If you told me my next door neighbor was sharing a bed with a woman not his wife, and it was ok with his wife, well, I'd wonder why you told me and I'd say it was none of my business. No one asked me.

But the OP came here and DID ask. He came to a Christian forum, and asked if this was a moral choice. So I'm assuming I am free to answer from the standpoint of my personal Christian morals.

Well, this is the open to all part of the forum, but it´s irrelevant anyway. Even if this were an anti-theistic forum I wouldn´t deny you the freedom to answer from whatever religious standpoint you would want to answer.
And not giving you entirely positive feedback doesn´t amount to denying you this freedom. So let´s not pretend I tried to silence you.

I'm not imposing. Just giving my opinion, which I think was what was requested?

I´m not sure that describing your personal feelings about your husband was requested (although I don´t find anything wrong with doing this even if it wasn´t requested).

My problem was that I had addressed a couple of points and made some myself, and that you responded to me. So I would have expected you to address my statements. These points made were basically that people didn´t seem to understand what - apart from sexual intentions - might prompt to people to sleep in one bed, and I tried to show how that is not really that miraculous.
I didn´t and don´t see how the post you wrote in response continued this part of the discussion.

But I'm with you ... if he thinks it's ok, and his wife thinks it's ok ... and the other woman thinks it's ok - well he still has to deal with the other woman's husband who DOESN'T think it's ok, but ... not sure why he's asking us?

Yes, that was the very question I asked at the end of my recent post. So you and I seem to agree on a lot of things (so there´s a good chance to discuss those things we don´t agree upon reasonably).
I guess the poster didn´t mean to ask for the way we personally feel about these things and how we deal with them in our relationships (I mean that´s our personal business, anyway) - rather, he was wondering if there was a good rational reason against the behaviour in question. But maybe I´m just projecting...

 

[~Anastasia~]

You have some valid points.

To me, you didn´t come across as disrespectful.
Well, this is the open to all part of the forum, but it´s irrelevant anyway. Even if this were an anti-theistic forum I wouldn´t deny you the freedom to answer from whatever religious standpoint you would want to answer.
And not giving you entirely positive feedback doesn´t amount to denying you this freedom. So let´s not pretend I tried to silence you.

Thanks for not seeing it as disrespecting. I'm actually concerned in general that others don't see me as coming across that way. If I do, then I have failed at my intent.

And I guess I meant that the entire forum is hosted as "Christianforums" - I realize that there are areas that have a different focus and different rules.

I hope you don't think I was acting as if you tried to silence me. I wasn't exactly following the rules of debate - I was just more conversationally giving my "two cents' worth" so I hope I didn't come across wrongly.

I´m not sure that describing your personal feelings about your husband was requested (although I don´t find anything wrong with doing this even if it wasn´t requested).

My problem was that I had addressed a couple of points and made some myself, and that you responded to me.

(Sorry to be re-distributing your paragraphs a bit)

Yes, that is exactly what I did. I had already answered the OP, so not much more to say on that. And I guess I did it with a personal account, since you were describing (as I recall) different kinds of relationship rules. Actually, I think technically we are not supposed to respond to later posters, but only the OP? But that would ruin a great deal of the value of the forums in general, and I know no one really abides by that, so I hope it was ok.

So I would have expected you to address my statements. These points made were basically that people didn´t seem to understand what - apart from sexual intentions - might prompt to people to sleep in one bed, and I tried to show how that is not really that miraculous.
I didn´t and don´t see how the post you wrote in response continued this part of the discussion.

Yes, that was the very question I asked at the end of my recent post.

You're right. I backed up and saw that, and realized I had left it go. As I said, I was just answering conversationally, I suppose, and not really addressing things.

So you and I seem to agree on a lot of things (so there´s a good chance to discuss those things we don´t agree upon reasonably).
I guess the poster didn´t mean to ask for the way we personally feel about these things and how we deal with them in our relationships (I mean that´s our personal business, anyway) - rather, he was wondering if there was a good rational reason against the behaviour in question. But maybe I´m just projecting...

Oh, I'm pretty good at discussing reasonably even if I don't agree. I tend to learn a lot more that way, and enjoy the conversation as well. But yes, perhaps we agree on certain things.

You're right, the OP was probably not interested in MY relationship. and likely you weren't either. It was just my way of commenting on your post.

I believe you asked about reasons for/against sharing a bed? or simply being close?

I can agree on sharing a bed out of necessity - if there are not enough accommodations. Or in the case of extreme cold. Beyond that, if I am in a house with my best friend, or my sister ... if there are two beds, we're going to sleep separately. That's just me, socially. I know my great-aunts grew up sharing beds until they were in their 20s.

I can accept the idea of comfort in extreme cases ... if someone has experienced a trauma, a loss, intense stress, they might get comfort in that case.

The OP described cuddling with someone of the opposite sex as a way of enjoying closeness. personally, I don't find that appropriate outside of marriage - particularly when both ARE married, but to other spouses. So I don't really find that a valid way of maintaining platonic closeness. There are other ways. Not to mention the platonic woman-friend's husband objected.

I'm not sure if that answered your recent questions. I'll try to remember to play by the rules, but I just realized I tend to make everything "personal".

There's actually a reason for that. I was in the position of offering advice but it was strictly regulated from a legal-medical standpoint, so I learned to adopt an "if it were me" method of speaking. I guess that has held on more pervasively than I realized.

My apologies if it comes across in a wrong way.

 

[Sectio Aurea]

I appreciate your honesty.

Thank you.

I just think part of really honouring your wife is laying boundaries that give your relationship exclusivity that are just for you and her.

I agree, my wife and I do exactly that.

To be open with you, my concern is why on earth would a woman who loves her man and is sexually attracted to him give him permission to "sleep" with another woman, innocent or not. Woman are loyal and territorial creatures, made by God for one on one relationship, something doesn't add up to me.

I may have never married my fiance if she tried to stop my platonic relationship, I was bed sharing with my platonic girlfriend for years before meeting and courting my fiance.

I think you are pushing the boundaries and being disloyal in way.

I maybe pushing the boundaries but I fail to see my disloyalty.

Intimacy in all forms should be exclusive between a married couple, anything else is taking that away, permission or not.

The type of intimacy gained from a marraige is different and exclusive to marraiges only. The type of intimacy gained from a platonic relationship is different and exclusive to platonic relationship's only.

There seems to be two different types of intimacy in play here.

And why would a decent woman who respects friendship push a boundary by sleeping with another womans husband? Innocent or not.
This is just my personal view and I do not wish to be disrespectful to you both.

My platonic GF would not have shared a bed with me without the approval of my fiance.

A marriage is not just based on sex but it sure is a solid foundation that God gifted us to enjoy and cherish..

My marraige is a reasonably solid foundation thanks to the effort and commitment from my wife and I.

Keep your "friendship" out of the bedroom would be my suggestion and save ALL your intimacy with your wife. .

I havent slept with my old platonic GF in decades and probably never will again.

The fact you are asking this question suggests you are not sure if your actions are ok.

I'm ok with my old platonic GF, I'm just not too sure about my relationship with my current platonic GF.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I'm curious if you get something from the relationship with a platonic GF that you aren't getting from your wife?

That's what doesn't make sense to me.

It is not a totally out-of-place thing ... I speak to men other than my husband by way of discussion. I discuss with him as well, but I like to have different points of view and discussion, by its very nature, is more full when you have more voices. But I think that is the only thing valid I get from men outside of my marriage.

I'm not sure about the regular seeking of something else from the opposite sex outside of marriage. I'm not saying it can't possibly be valid, but for myself I can't think offhand of anything that could be.

So I wonder what kinds of needs are not being met within your marriage, and if they can't be for some reason? That would be my concern. In general, what you seek outside your marriage that you aren't getting (especially since you label it "intimacy") sounds like a red flag for the marriage.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to. That's just the thing that it is hard for me to understand.

 

[MoneyGuy]

Wow, this thread keeps getting weirder. I'm shocked that people think it's OK to sleep with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. lf I asked my wife for permission to do that, I would hope she'd smack me with vigor.

 

[Belk]

Is it morally ok for a married man (with permission from his wife) to share a bed platonically with a friend of the opposite sex?

I hope so since I have done so.

 

[quatona]

I'm curious if you get something from the relationship with a platonic GF that you aren't getting from your wife?

That's what doesn't make sense to me.

Hi Kylissa, I am aware that you didn´t ask me but the original poster; besides, I have never been married but in committed partnerships. I´d like to respond - however, if my response is not welcome feel free to ignore it.

1. Even if everything I would get from another person were what I could get from my partner as well - when/if my partner isn´t here a need remains unfulfilled that a person who is there can fulfil.

2., and more importantly: Every person is different, every relationship/friendship between two persons is different from that between two other persons. So yes: other people than my committed partner/spouse can do different things for me than my partner/spouse; plus they can give me the same things but differently.

It is not a totally out-of-place thing ... I speak to men other than my husband by way of discussion. I discuss with him as well, but I like to have different points of view and discussion, by its very nature, is more full when you have more voices. But I think that is the only thing valid I get from men outside of my marriage.

Personally, I wouldn´t know why only discussions are "more full" when I have them with different persons. Pretty much everything is different when you share it with different persons and get something back from them, i.e. "more full".

So I wonder what kinds of needs are not being met within your marriage, and if they can't be for some reason? That would be my concern. In general, what you seek outside your marriage that you aren't getting (especially since you label it "intimacy") sounds like a red flag for the marriage.

As for me: The romantic idea of partners being able to give everything to each other (and indeed this concept has never been around until romanticism) is a completely unrealistic one. For me, clinging to this idea is the red flag for a partnership/marriage.

 

[quatona]

Wow, this thread keeps getting weirder. I'm shocked that people think it's OK to sleep with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. lf I asked my wife for permission to do that, I would hope she'd smack me with vigor.

Well, different people have different ideas how much possessiveness a partnership/marriage can endure.
Some people even think that jealousy is a virtue.

 

[selfinflikted]

So, there is an old platonic "GF" that the OP used to share a bed with, and now there's a new platonic "GF" with whom he's wishing to do the same?

I don't understand what part of a platonic friendship you can't have outside of bed that you can only have in one?

This just seems extremely... weird to me.

 

[Hetta]

Is it morally ok for a married man (with permission from his wife) to share a bed platonically with a friend of the opposite sex?

What kind of crazy wife would agree with that?

My response would be "over my dead body."

 

[selfinflikted]

My response would be "over my dead body."

 

[bhsmte]

What kind of crazy wife would agree with that?

My response would be "over my dead body."

I agree.

I don't quite get this thread. But hey, I don't get a lot of things, so I will add this one to the list.