Personal Tnoughts on Marriage

[dallasapple]

I guess if I had the ability to do it over again (to go back in time, I mean)......I would ask the question, "Why do you want to get married? Specifically to me?" That seems to cut right to intentions, as much as possible. Answers like, "Because....I LOVE you." Wouldn't be enough....I would want something more...descriptive (knowing what I now know).

ME TOO!!!! Because during our marraige I struggled with that question..not why did you "want to get married" period..but what about ME do you love?????There has to be something besides blind love with ZERO attachment to anything about the person in particular..and not even "love' but LIKE...what do you LIKE a LOT about me that you would choose to spend the rest of your life with me..

I "love you " and I think you are "hot" isnt a good reason..Not for 60 years..

Especially when it seems what you DONT like about a person seems to be a talent of some to flow off the tonge like a river...

If you cant write a song about what you dont like about someone your going to marry?You better be able to create a symphony of what you DO like..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

If you cant write a song about what you dont like about someone your going to marry?You better be able to create a symphony of what you DO like..

Dallas

Wow...deep thoughts from Dallas today

 

[Created2Write]

In a way I am glad for Created that she and her husband had the character to stop and humble themselves. And in a way I agree that good communication is very important.

Im not looking for a fail safe. I know there are no guarantees. I have to say though that someone professing faith isn't a guarantee either, neither is good communication.

Not sure I know what you mean by this. Good communication, imo, is when both spouses communicate effectively. In such a case, why wouldn't there be a guarantee?

In a way a lot of the comments are very revealing. Marriage today only works if both people want it to.

Although I understand the last sentence and agree to a point, I heartily believe that one spouse living out their vows, and praying for their marriage, can have a positive effect on the relationship as a whole. Maybe even save a marriage that is crumbling. Is it so in all cases? No. But it is in many that I have seen. Marriage works BEST if both people want it to, but it CAN work with only one spouse putting in their best efforts. Not that it SHOULD work that way, because that's not how God designed it, just that it CAN.

 

[mkgal1]

Yep. And I think that's sometimes why, when you post about a troubled marriage, the instant response you receive is "have you tried praying", "have you tried talking", often with a hint, probably not intentional but still present, that if you tried just a bit harder, you could have a marriage just as good as they have. But it's so not true. If you have a spouse who is not willing to change him or herself, it doesn't matter how hard you work, you will not change that other person.

Exactly. That's how our minds work.....how does one think brain washing can even occur?...Iit is these layered statements that have truth to them...yet have a little twist that goes unnoticed. Then another one gets layered on....slowly and allowing time for each to "sink in" to become "truth" to them.

This subtleness to the deception is what irritates me. I have NEVER heard anyone post a response to someone struggling with a marital issue....."Does your spouse WANT to cooperate....or are they your greatest obstacle towards your desire of having a great marriage?" Again....it just seems like such a layered issue....because that takes a 3rd party to sort of make that unbiased call.....and where are those 3rd parties?? <crickets chirping>

 

[chaz345]

Although I understand the last sentence and agree to a point, I heartily believe that one spouse living out their vows, and praying for their marriage, can have a positive effect on the relationship as a whole. Maybe even save a marriage that is crumbling. Is it so in all cases? No. But it is in many that I have seen. Marriage works BEST if both people want it to, but it CAN work with only one spouse putting in their best efforts. Not that it SHOULD work that way, because that's not how God designed it, just that it CAN.

Agree completely.

 

[mkgal1]

Although I understand the last sentence and agree to a point, I heartily believe that one spouse living out their vows, and praying for their marriage, can have a positive effect on the relationship as a whole. Maybe even save a marriage that is crumbling. Is it so in all cases? No. But it is in many that I have seen. Marriage works BEST if both people want it to, but it CAN work with only one spouse putting in their best efforts. Not that it SHOULD work that way, because that's not how God designed it, just that it CAN.

I'm sorry.....C2W...I agree with you. You have posted enough about this that I KNOW we agree....but, every time I hear the phrase, " one spouse living out their vows"....I get this image. That isn't your fault....maybe it is just my twisted mind....this video is what goes on in my mind...(hopefully you will and not think I am being rude to you......I'm not picking on you....actually laughing at myself for thinking these things)

YouTube - &#x202a;Sugarland - Stuck Like Glue&#x202c;&rlm;

 

[Created2Write]

Hmm...marriage takes hard work and communication...some here have, apparently, had experiences where this was not the case.

However, what would happen if hard work and communication disappeared from a marriage? Would it work THEN? I would be astonished to find it so.

Therefore, Faith's post WAS accurate to what she said. Marriage takes hard work and communication...why?...Because, marriage takes hard work and communication. That's not ALL it takes, obviously. Marriage also takes a willingness on both sides to admit fault, a willingness to make the first move and do the right thing, humbleness, honesty, integrity, love, friendship, money...but guess what all of those fall under? Hard work and communication.

I ask again, would a marriage work without hard work and communication?

 

[JaneFW]

But in some marriages, there is one spouse who is doing all the hard work and trying to communicate, and it's falling on deaf ears. That's the point. Trust me, after all this time, I know that it's not about taking it easy and not listening or talking. Hard work and communication has disappeared from one half of the marriage in many circumstance and, guess what, it's NOT working, and it won't work, until the other spouse is also working and communicating.

 

[Created2Write]

LOL...the video was funny. I like that song. I'm sad that's what you think of with that phrase, but the video was funny.

 

[JaneFW]

Exactly. That's how our minds work.....how does one think brain washing can even occur?...Iit is these layered statements that have truth to them...yet have a little twist that goes unnoticed. Then another one gets layered on....slowly and allowing time for each to "sink in" to become "truth" to them.

This subtleness to the deception is what irritates me. I have NEVER heard anyone post a response to someone struggling with a marital issue....."Does your spouse WANT to cooperate....or are they your greatest obstacle towards your desire of having a great marriage?" Again....it just seems like such a layered issue....because that takes a 3rd party to sort of make that unbiased call.....and where are those 3rd parties?? <crickets chirping>

Right.

How many times have I posted about our lack of sex issue, and I have been asked:

Do you take care of your hygiene? Do you wear lingerie? Are you the right weight?

I think, why is this about me? AND, do you think after all of these years I haven't wracked my brain for every single thing I might be doing wrong?

I get so tired of being told "just pray and everything will work out." It will? Because I've been doing exactly that for more years than I count, and it hasn't. I've prayed, begged, got on my knees and wept to God; I've talked to my husband, I've loved him no matter what, and I've been there for him in every eventuality, and there he goes chatting up yet on another woman on the internet.

So, who's not working on their marriage there?

 

[Created2Write]

But in some marriages, there is one spouse who is doing all the hard work and trying to communicate, and it's falling on deaf ears. That's the point. Trust me, after all this time, I know that it's not about taking it easy and not listening or talking. Hard work and communication has disappeared from one half of the marriage in many circumstance and, guess what, it's NOT working, and it won't work, until the other spouse is also working and communicating.

I agree and disagree. I'm sorry you have to experience this, but your individual situation doesn't negate the fact that marriage does take hard work and communication. And yes, even in SOME cases where one spouse is doing most of or all of the hard work and communicating, I do believe it's possible for that to save the marriage. Not that it will in all case, just that it can. I think that was the overall point.

 

[BigDaddy4]

But in some marriages, there is one spouse who is doing all the hard work and trying to communicate, and it's falling on deaf ears. That's the point. Trust me, after all this time, I know that it's not about taking it easy and not listening or talking. Hard work and communication has disappeared from one half of the marriage in many circumstance and, guess what, it's NOT working, and it won't work, until the other spouse is also working and communicating.

I hear you, Jane. Still praying for your and other marriage on here where one spouse wants to work at it, but the other seemingly won't.

That is the world I'm living in right now and it sucks...

 

[JaneFW]

No, what it needs to say is that it takes willingness to work hard and communicate on the part of both spouses. Whatever anyone thinks, I can assure you that a marriage can't stand on just one spouse.

 

[Created2Write]

Right.

How many times have I posted about our lack of sex issue, and I have been asked:

Do you take care of your hygiene? Do you wear lingerie? Are you the right weight?

I think, why is this about me? AND, do you think after all of these years I haven't wracked my brain for every single thing I might be doing wrong?

I get so tired of being told "just pray and everything will work out." It will? Because I've been doing exactly that for more years than I count, and it hasn't. I've prayed, begged, got on my knees and wept to God; I've talked to my husband, I've loved him no matter what, and I've been there for him in every eventuality, and there he goes chatting up yet on another woman on the internet.

So, who's not working on their marriage there?

I'm very, very sorry to hear this, Jane. And I'm sorry that some here have made you feel as though your husbands actions are your fault. I'm sure you have been trying.

We are human beings who marry other human beings. When my husband and I married, I didn't expect that we'd argue as much as we did the first year. I think that's an issue with premarital counciling. Sometimes in marriage, it's not always going to be 100/100 or 50/50. Sometimes it's going to be 60/40. Other times it's going to be 90/10. Our spouses are human. Our premarital Pastor told us that he and his wife had never had a big argument. Then, when my husband and I had TONS of big arguments, it made me feel like we weren't doing something right, or that we just weren't good enough to save the same kind of marriage he did. Other couples we knew who were pastors bragged about the same thing.

But I thank God for the hard times my husband and I faced. We're all the better for it. Was it hard, yes of course it was! But it was worth it.

I say all that to simply encourage you. God is loving, faithful, and just God. He sees you, He hears you, and He has a plan.

 

[Created2Write]

I'm sure it feels that way Jane, but I have seen cases where it HAS. It doesn't work that way in all of them, unfortunately, but it does in many cases that I have seen.

 

[mkgal1]

Right.

How many times have I posted about our lack of sex issue, and I have been asked:

Do you take care of your hygiene? Do you wear lingerie? Are you the right weight?

I think, why is this about me? AND, do you think after all of these years I haven't wracked my brain for every single thing I might be doing wrong?

I get so tired of being told "just pray and everything will work out." It will? Because I've been doing exactly that for more years than I count, and it hasn't. I've prayed, begged, got on my knees and wept to God; I've talked to my husband, I've loved him no matter what, and I've been there for him in every eventuality, and there he goes chatting up yet on another woman on the internet.

So, who's not working on their marriage there?

Exactly. But....it could just as easily be turned around towards you TAKING those words to mean that.....an accusation that it is YOUR issue....not that it is being suggested (or even meant) that it is YOUR fault. It makes a person feel almost insane, when trying to get help with marriage issues. The whole process gets turned into a ball of confusion. FIRST you have to unravel all that is going on with that....and that is a needless distraction that can often times take up years of one's life. There is a circle of thoughts..."AM I doing all I can.....Is it me? Why aren't my prayers being answered?....it is somewhere ELSE in my life?....some hidden sin...so hidden I don't even recognize it as sin...??? " So....more praying.....more wracking our brain....what am I doing wrong?? You may even ask your spouse...."am I doing something that upsets you?" and the response is...."WHY?"..."Well....because....there seems to be this distance between us?"...and the response may be...."OMGsh....why are you BLAMING me!! I'm NOT perfect...and neither are YOU"....<rant rant rant nothing really revealed>....silence for days. If ever "it" is brought up again....the response is...."ARE you still on THAT?? YOu think too much." IOW...topic closed.....for good. Unless maybe that is just some of the isolated cases I know of....<shrug>

 

[McScribe]

If I could make a comparison....it's kind of like saying that you can fix a gate with wood filler. You can mend a gate with wood filler, as long as it's not so rotten its falling apart. In the same way hard work and good communication from one person in a marriage can help as long as the marriage itself is not rotted from the other persons total lack of willingness to cooperate.

And this statement is also true. What is hard, painful and difficult to reconcile for anyone going through that is did you try enough? So it's not so much disputing the general statement about hard work and communication as just to say that sometimes not even that will work.

 

[Created2Write]

If I could make a comparison....it's kind of like saying that you can fix a gate with wood filler. You can mend a gate with wood filler, as long as it's not so rotten its falling apart. In the same way hard work and good communication from one person in a marriage can help as long as the marriage itself is not rotted from the other persons total lack of willingness to cooperate.

I get that. I don't agree, because I have seen cases that were in the divorce process, almost to the day of signing papers and being over and done, and the marriage came back. And is still together today, from what I understand.

And I have seen cases where one spouse did all the work, for years and years, and it didn't work, and they divorced. Hence why I said not all marriages can be saved from hard work and communication. The fact is though, that marriages CAN be saved with just one spouse living out their vows. That's my entire point.

And this statement is also true. What is hard, painful and difficult to reconcile for anyone going through that is did you try enough? So it's not so much disputing the general statement about hard work and communication as just to say that sometimes not even that will work.

I know it doesn't always work. That's why I said it doesn't always work. And, if it doesn't, I don't think that means the committed spouse didn't try hard enough. In the case I saw, the husband tried harder than anyone else could have with his wife, but she was too worried about her hair, her nails, her tan and her flirting with other men, that he got fed up and left. There was no way he could have tried harder. The marriage failing was not HIS fault, it was hers.

But, in some cases, it does work. That's all I'm saying. I'm sorry if I offended anyone who has tried, and is trying. I'm not trying to imply or state that you're not trying enough, or that you didn't try enough. Not what I'm saying at all.

 

[JaneFW]

I'm sure it feels that way Jane, but I have seen cases where it HAS. It doesn't work that way in all of them, unfortunately, but it does in many cases that I have seen.

But IMO, that is not a marriage. A marriage is two people. A marriage where only one is invested is a sham, a shell.

 

[tranz4md]

I don't see that as bitter either.....

If it appears that someone has lied through their teeth....I think that ought to be addressed right away (then with a 3rd party to confirm it or not). Just because one is married....doesn't mean it is irrevocable....especially if it was based on a blatant lie (not a popular belief....I realize that.) In other areas....that is without a doubt called "fraud".

I have a husband who has been lying to me for 5 years. He claims he's been saved and was baptized. I know we all make mistakes and I made a doozy choosing to marry him in the first place. I was outside the will of God for my life. I was living with him outside of marriage and caught him in many a lie. I still chose to marry him. How many want to call me stupid here. June 6th I joined this site and I vented my feelings in the Depression forum. I really don't know what to do about it. I'm very lost with all this.

I am a very strong lover of Jesus, and I know His word forbids divorce other than adultery. I know he's been with other women for a fact but I don't know if he has actually had sex with anyone else. His job requires him to be gone for 2-3 months at a time with no accountability to me. He's on a ship and so for several days at a time I know nothing. Add all the lies he tells and I am in a very depressed and oppressed situation. Just two months ago, I was on the phone with him and he was in port. He told me when he got off of work he would call me. He didn't have to work that day but lied and said he did. I have become quite the little spy and investigator (not that I'm happy with myself for that because that is not the way I want to live and have a marriage) I stayed on the phone when he thought i hung up and the internal phone in his room on the ship rang. It was a younger woman who's working on the ship he's on as an engineer. He called her baby and told her he made arrangements with me and when she was ready to go ashore to cal him. My heart was racing a thousand miles a minute. I think I put up with this because I love him but I don't know anymore. I'm very hurt and I don't know what to do. Lies are so destructive!