Mine is a blind post as well, well, mostly blind.
My husband and I, about halfway through our first year of marriage, were so upset and dissatisfied with the other, that we sat down and wrote out what it was we expected from the other, asked if our expectations were unreasonable, agreed that they were not, and promised to do our best to live up to what we expected of each other.
One week later, the "contract/written expectations" were forgotten and we were arguing as much as ever.
What HAS worked? Open, honest and straightforward communication about our hurts, and our sorrows. Marriage absolutely can not and will not work if both spouses aren't willing to LEARN the other person. And yes, I do mean learn. I had to learn that is wasn't my feelings that were being rejected, like I thought, but rather it was how I expressed my feelings that were being rejected. Our first year and a half of marriage I knew this was what much of the issue was(because he told me), I knew that all I had to do was understand this and strive not to be as expressive as I was about my feelings, but I couldn't do it. I hated the much of the fault, much of the issues, lied solely on my unwillingness to change. I saw it as being beneath me, and I couldn't humble myself enough to admit it.
My husband also had his arrogance too. He couldn't admit to himself that he really was a stubborn a** sometimes. It was easier for him to reflect his faults by magnifying my own, and throwing them in my face. This, in turn, made me even more determined not to be the one to give in and do the right thing, which led to even more fights, and ultimately, a threat to divorce on both sides. After, not even, a year of marriage.
Once I realized this was the issue, and grew tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I confessed my feelings and my sins to him, and asked for forgiveness, and then pointed out how I had been treated. He actually admitted his wrong doings in full, something I never thought possible, and we were able to renew our vows to each other(privately), and now we're approaching our second anniversary SO much healthier than before.
Another interesting fact: since the communication has increased and improved(i.e. since I've stopped spouting off every little hurt I feel, and since he's realized sometimes what he says hurts, and since we've both realized how healing the words "I'm sorry" can be), our expectations has CHANGED. What I wrote down on that paper all those months and months ago, are irrelevant to our marriage now. I WANT the same things, sure, but I don't EXPECT them like I used to. I'm just happy to sit and have a beer with him, and to know that he's even attempting to write a song for me. Who cares if it's taken him three months so far? He's working on it, and that's what counts, NOT the time in which he does it in.
And ya know, another thing I've realized: how special would it be if he were actually good at the romantic stuff? Knowing it's hard for him, and that he still tries, is so much more romantic than a guy who just does what's easy for him already.
Point being, communication, imo, is SO much more effective than any contract can be. And I mean TRUE communication. Not the kind where you just talk AT each other.
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