Passive/Agressive Behavior

[mkgal1]

Okay, first off, I don't usually like labels; but, in this case it does seem appropriate to me. It wasn't until I *googled* the words *passive/agressive* that I even realized this was what I have been dealing with for the last 20 years. I read somewhere that it is sometimes called an underground war since the person that demonstrates this behavior strongly believes that any outward display of emotion is wrong. I also have heard it described as *crazy making* behavior. It is usually summed up as a mechanism for handling anger or hostility in an under-handed or devious way that is hard to prove. Things are sabotaged and it is never their fault.

Some examples of this behavior are:

*Forgetting* to complete a task they promised to complete.

Gossiping about you and then acting *sweet* to your face.

Coming home late when you need to go somewhere they don't want you to go & you need them to watch the children.

This is extremely difficult in a marriage or a family member since you can't just easily distance yourself from this person. Also, when others don't *see* their behavior as destructive, you can be blamed for being suspicious, mean, or unforgiving. Often times, the guilt comes from the person who demonstrates the passive/agressive behavior and they will bring in others from the family to back up their view of your criticism.

It seems to me to be *taught* in families that prefer to hide any hint of dysfunction. How others see them and achieving other's approval is more important than how things actually function in the family. Because it is learned behavior in the family, it doesn't seem to get recognized by the family members. Not only that, but it seems that all family members have learned to use this behavior on some level to function in the family.

I guess my purpose for this thread is to see if anyone else is dealing with this presently or has in the past.

 

[Antje]

My roommate's mom was like that. She has a personality disorder.

Example:

Mom said Roomie could have Mom's car pretty much all the time, unless Mom needed it someday in particular and asked for it back. This worked out fine for 5 months. One day Mom had a tiff with Dad about whether or not they should move to a different city. (They have a really solid & mutually supportive marriage, so it wasn't a bad kind of fight, just an upsetting one.) Mom gets the impression that Roomie is on Dad's side. Mom calls Roomie at 9:00AM on Monday morning, a day when Roomie has a major paper due at 1:00PM and another one at 4:00PM, and demands that the car be returned to her house across town by noon--fully washed, vaccuumed, and gas tank filled up. True, it's her car, but this way of asking for it back is completely unreasonable, and entirely inconsiderate of the fact that it is already the most stressful day of the entire academic semester for Roomie and that taking the time to wash the car will take away much-needed editing time from her papers. Thankfully Dad intervened on his daughter's behalf, and the day ended up okay, but Mom really put Roomie through an enormous amount of stress just to "get back" at her for siding with Dad.

I'd like to add that their family really is overall very stable and loving. It's a really good Christian family, and they really do love each other dearly and have good times together. It just sucks when mom has a personality disorder and goes all psycho and passive-agressive every once in awhile.

 

[mkgal1]

Well, so there goes my theory that is usually is a learned behavior.

It does seem to be common in people with this disorder to not deal directly with the person they are upset with. Although your roommates mom was upset with her for siding with her dad, the original issue was with the husband. That is something really similar to what happens in my in-law's family. It seems as though they like to drag as many people into the confusion as they can trying to recruit people onto their *side*.
It is good that your roommates dad stood up for her. Unfortunately, the main person that acts up in my in-law's family is very manipulative and everyone fears upsetting her. Unless everyone stands up together, there is no defeating it.

 

[Antje]

Hey, my one example shouldn't convince you that it's not a learned behaviour! I just gave the most prominent example that came to mind. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who learn the behaviour in their families at an early age.

 

[mkgal1]

Oh, I know at least in my hubby's family it is a learned behavior. MIL has set the precedent that emotions are not welcome (with the exception of my SIL who is in the family by marriage). Conflict is avoided at all cost. It is also implied that to function in that family, you cannot openly disagree. This has caused family members to learn more subversive methods in their dealing with others.

In everything I read about this, what I hear over and over again is that you know you are dealing with this behavior when you begin feeling frustrated, offended, guilty, or angry. You begin to feel that it was you that did something wrong, but you aren't quite sure what it was. That is why it is called *crazy-making* behavior. Because a passive/aggressive person is so interested in the appearance of having it all together & being a *nice* person, when you ask them if there is anything you had done to offend them, their reply will often be that nothing is wrong. They will tell you that you are being too sensitive, reading too much into it....they always put it back on you & that makes it impossible to resolve the issues.

 

[clayforHim648]

I think generally, passive-aggressive behavior is a big psychological term for just being plain old manipulative. The ultimate source of the problem is pride.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

I think generally, passive-aggressive behavior is a big psychological term for just being plain old manipulative. The ultimate source of the problem is pride.

I agree.

And have I ever experienced it? Oh where do I begin... I have experienced it everywhere from my own family, my in-laws, even my own church! It's everywhere, and it's often difficult to identify when it is happening. Sometimes it takes several experiences with the same person, or common behavior I'm seeing in several people, before I realize what's going on.

And then again, I see it a bit of it in myself, too. :o

 

[Caffeinated]

My mother is passive-aggressive, although she doesn't usually sabotage things or make requests/demands that she knows can't be met. It's just how she handles conflict. She definitely has no problem displaying emotions; in fact, she often dramatizes her emotions over things affecting other people because she's desperate for attention. She is just unable to deal with conflict or negative emotions in a healthy way. If someone tries to talk to her openly and honestly about any kind of conflict or disagreement, no matter how small, she will back away, change the subject just to get them to stop talking about it, and then spend years bringing it up in little ways and resenting them. She has a whole list of little wrongs I've done since I first drew breath and slips in a few darts everytime we talk, but if I actually try to address those issues, it will either turn into WWIII ("I guess if I'm such a bad mother, I should just kill myself!") or she will make a bunch of little jokes until I give up trying to talk to her about it. It's been extrememly painful, but I have ceased even responding to her little attacks because I know it will never do any good unless she experiences miraculous emotional healing.

 

[dandymandy]

This site might be of interest:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

It seems reasonable to me that this kind of behaviour can be taught by example within families.

The example of the mother demanding her car to be returned on such short notice strikes me as being overt aggression.

A much better example is one that I will relate on myself:

I am newly married and my mum-in-law and I don't have our relationship sorted yet. She and I are very much alike in certain unbecoming ways.

One of her schticks is that I am putting a wedge between her and her only son who is very dear to her. There is a truth to the extent that I want to spend time alone with him during the weekends to do what newlyweds do. His going home every weeked is now a thing of the past, so sorry.

There is also the minor detail that I have a father myself with whom I'd like to spend time as a couple.

Mum-in-law and I did have one weekend together as two girls already. We had scheduled another to continue what we had started. To prepare for that second weekend, I made sure all my studies were complete to leave the weekend open. (My husband and I are in university.) I also shooed hubbie off to London to visit with Dad.

8 o'clock Friday night I ring her up to ask where is she. She explained she had an important meeting the Saturday morning so she had better stay in town, that she would arrive later on. (I really think that it was she who needed to do the phoning)

7 o'clock Saturday night. No mum-in-law. This time, it was that she was feeling poorly---could we re-schedule for the following weekend? I replied that no we can't, that I had a commitment to speak before a group and I had re-scheduled that once already. (And again, why am I ringing her up?)

I went on to say that since Hubbie and I are students, we simply do not have every weekend free. That in the next eight weeks we can allot one weekend to his family and one weekend to mine---that is one-third of our weekends excluding the last two weekends which need to be devoted to exams.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR: I administered punishment for the blown-off weekend in a manner that it couldn't be labelled as being punishment. I was infuriated but I was pleasant and matter-of-fact when I made reasonable statements about academic work load and how it would limit visiting.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR: I can't prove this but I have my strong suspicions (the "beauty" of this defense mechanism): I don't think my mum-in-law wishes to discuss certain things that we had agreed to discuss. She knew that I had a pervious committment the following weekend but she "forgot" and offered to come that weekend so as to appear reasonable.

In short, it's about defiance in such a manner that can't be labelled defiance.

God bless,

 

[mkgal1]

It is manipulation, but what sets it apart, I think, is how the behavior is so difficult to figure out. It is very well disguised. For instance, instead of being overtly manipulative, it is usually something disguised as a thoughtful gesture...that way, if you oppose it or question it, you are being the suspicious one that is seeing the bad in people instead of their *good*. (Well, that was vague and confusing). It's devious.

I do think there are times that we all show a bit of this behavior. We get an invitation to do something we would rather not do, but instead of hurt the person's feelings, we will say we are busy and just can't make it. This isn't what I am dealing with, though. The behavior in my husband's family has been a long-fought battle that has now caused my husband to see me for someone I am not. It is almost like a slow brain-washing that I don't know how to reverse. He trusts them and they have taught him not to trust me. Because of that, he doesn't share any of his feelings or thoughts with me. That causes this to be spinning out of control; distancing the two of us & drawing them even closer. I just don't know how to stop it. They have *banished* me from the family, but now say to my husband, "You know, we don't invite MK anymore since we know she wouldn't come (yeah, they told me they NEVER want to see me or talk to me ever again--that makes a person feel welcome) but know she is welcome any time." My husband then sees me as being the unforgiving one that is carrying a grudge & sees them as the ever-forgiving gracious ones. How do you work with that? It has been almost 2 years since I have seen or spoken with them. I am trying to show my husband my true self, but feel as though they are in his ear saying derogatory things about me that negate what I am showing him. I want them out of my marriage, but I don't want my husband to have to lose them.

 

[mkgal1]

My mother is passive-aggressive, although she doesn't usually sabotage things or make requests/demands that she knows can't be met. It's just how she handles conflict. She definitely has no problem displaying emotions; in fact, she often dramatizes her emotions over things affecting other people because she's desperate for attention. She is just unable to deal with conflict or negative emotions in a healthy way. If someone tries to talk to her openly and honestly about any kind of conflict or disagreement, no matter how small, she will back away, change the subject just to get them to stop talking about it, and then spend years bringing it up in little ways and resenting them. She has a whole list of little wrongs I've done since I first drew breath and slips in a few darts everytime we talk, but if I actually try to address those issues, it will either turn into WWIII ("I guess if I'm such a bad mother, I should just kill myself!") or she will make a bunch of little jokes until I give up trying to talk to her about it. It's been extrememly painful, but I have ceased even responding to her little attacks because I know it will never do any good unless she experiences miraculous emotional healing.

It almost seems that people that do this WANT to play the martyr. They don't want to have resolutions to what bothers them; they would rather carry that list to their grave. Maybe it makes them feel as if they are a better person if they have a longer list. It sounds as if you have grown thick skin to deal with this. It just makes me sad because it forces you/us to not be able to really truly connect with these people, but I guess that is their responsibility not ours.

 

[Caffeinated]

It almost seems that people that do this WANT to play the martyr. They don't want to have resolutions to what bothers them; they would rather carry that list to their grave. Maybe it makes them feel as if they are a better person if they have a longer list. It sounds as if you have grown thick skin to deal with this. It just makes me sad because it forces you/us to not be able to really truly connect with these people, but I guess that is their responsibility not ours.

Mom's experienced some heavy losses in her life and I theorize that playing the martyr and dragging out painful situations is a way to get more attention, more sympathy, more comfort, after having the grieving process stunted in a truly devastating loss early in life for which she received far too little comfort (wow, really long sentence ). I also think having resolutions to arguments forces her to deal with painful emotions, and after years of NOT dealing with pain, she just...can't. So her pain and resentment comes out in little barbs and accusations and anger for years and years, often at the completely wrong target.

Thick skin? Hmm...sometimes. You are right, though - while I have developed an understanding of her actions and issues, I have not developed the ability to not be injured by them and have really had to retreat from my family. It makes me really sad. Unfortunately, my sister has noticed it and it breaks her heart...but she is also a lot like our mother and it's become unhealthy for me to remain close to her as well. The whole situation just stinks!

 

[mkgal1]

DandyMandy your situation sounds a lot like mine. Instead of your MIL being responsible and making the phone call letting you know she wasn't going to make it, she sits back and lets you take action. It sounds as if you have clearly defined boundaries, and that is going to make all the difference in the world. I made the mistake of constantly changing my plans to accomodate my in-laws. When they would, at the last minute, say they couldn't make it, I ended up disappointing others by changing plans (to make my husband happy). I should have set up loooong ago that others WILL NOT be hurt because of actions of my in-laws. In your case, I guess it would help to always have a *back-up* plan in place. Knowing that your MIL has this tendency, when she says she is going to come, you can plan on enjoying the day reading or something in case she doesn't follow through. It is how this behavior is repeated over and over again, but since they try so hard as disguising it, it is very difficult to confront.

For example, that is typically how it is played out in my in-law's family--SIL gets ill and can't make it at the last minute. There was a Thanksgiving that they insisted on getting together and SIL wanted to prepare it. My own mother got in the habit of scheduling our family meals around what my SIL (husband's side of the family) had planned. Since we were going to SIL's, my mother decided to travel for the first time on Thanksgiving. The morning of Thanksgiving, BIL called and said SIL just *wasn't up to* preparing the meal and they had to back out. That was back in the day when all the grocery stores and restaurants were closed. My mother was out of town, so we didn't do anything. When I bring that up, my husband says I am carrying a grudge and that I need to *let it go*, but I bring it up to show the pattern that has formed.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

I guess the biggest example of it in my life is an extended family member, in whose care I was often left in when I was a child. She constantly picked at me about my weight and made it out like she was just trying to "help", because boys wouldn't like me unless I was pencil-thin. Now that I'm an adult, she is still around and is as manipulative as ever. Usually it's her calling, wanting us to drop everything at a moment's notice, and then trying to make us feel guilty if we can't or don't want to do what she wants. Everything is on impulse, never planned out, yet she expects us to do or come to whatever she feels like doing at the moment. It all has to be on her timetable. She does this to her adult son as well. He had made plans to go out to eat with a friend for their birthday, and it just so happens that her husband's (also his stepfather) birthday is the same day. Well she decides at the last minute that she wants her son to cancel his previous plans and go out to eat with her and her husband. When her son doesn't comply, she goes into a major hissy and calls her son's biological father to try and get him involved. Sheesh!

It's all about control, and getting her way at all costs, and the lack of respect for other's feelings or wishes.

 

[mkgal1]

Mom's experienced some heavy losses in her life and I theorize that playing the martyr and dragging out painful situations is a way to get more attention, more sympathy, more comfort, after having the grieving process stunted in a truly devastating loss early in life for which she received far too little comfort (wow, really long sentence ). I also think having resolutions to arguments forces her to deal with painful emotions, and after years of NOT dealing with pain, she just...can't. So her pain and resentment comes out in little barbs and accusations and anger for years and years, often at the completely wrong target.

Thick skin? Hmm...sometimes. You are right, though - while I have developed an understanding of her actions and issues, I have not developed the ability to not be injured by them and have really had to retreat from my family. It makes me really sad. Unfortunately, my sister has noticed it and it breaks her heart...but she is also a lot like our mother and it's become unhealthy for me to remain close to her as well. The whole situation just stinks!

That does stink! It is just so sad because they are pushing away the love they need.

 

[mkgal1]

I guess the biggest example of it in my life is an extended family member, in whose care I was often left in when I was a child. She constantly picked at me about my weight and made it out like she was just trying to "help", because boys wouldn't like me unless I was pencil-thin. Now that I'm an adult, she is still around and is as manipulative as ever. Usually it's her calling, wanting us to drop everything at a moment's notice, and then trying to make us feel guilty if we can't or don't want to do what she wants. Everything is on impulse, never planned out, yet she expects us to do or come to whatever she feels like doing at the moment. It all has to be on her timetable. She does this to her adult son as well. He had made plans to go out to eat with a friend for their birthday, and it just so happens that her husband's (also his stepfather) birthday is the same day. Well she decides at the last minute that she wants her son to cancel his previous plans and go out to eat with her and her husband. When her son doesn't comply, she goes into a major hissy and calls her son's biological father to try and get him involved. Sheesh!

It's all about control, and getting her way at all costs, and the lack of respect for other's feelings or wishes.

Maybe I am paranoid, but it seems that the goal isn't to just get together, but to see if the other person will change plans to accomodate them. Almost in a twisted way to see how much they matter. But yes, I agree the commonality is control and lack of respect for other's feelings or wishes.

 

[dandymandy]

mkgal1---I think you are rather forced to accept the invitations. I just don't know what I would do with such a situation.

Would a counsellor be helpful? If not for you and your husband, at least for you?

God bless,

 

[DaffodilFlower]

HI everyone and Hi rembrandtfan!

Very sorry to hear of how controlling this family member is to you and the rest of the family.

Are you still in this situation? Is there anything been done about it?

To help you, You do not NEED or LISTEN to her or anyone with this kind of rotten behavior of controlling and manipulating. Your not being bad or cruel if you do not listen, don't listen to this kind of remarks either. She has overstep her personal boundary so it is ok to not listen to her.

Can I ask if whether anyone has sat down and talk to her about her controlling behavior? Pastors? Friends? And also as other suggest counselors?

Seeing a Christian counselor would really help, are you able to get to one?

Here is a good link that I strongly suggest you go too since I am worried for you after reading what you posted!

Give them a ring or email them and look around the site for information that can be helpful to you..

* DO NOT LET YOUR FAMILY MEMBER KNOW THAT YOUR SEEKING HELP. SHE WILL GET VERY MAD AND BE EVEN MORE CONTROLLING ON YOU.

Please do seek help as soon as possible.

YOU CAN EVEN RING THE POLICE IF IT GETS TO THAT
​

I WILL PM YOU THE LINK BECAUSE I CAN'T POST LINKS OR CAN ANYONE POST LINKS I CAN GIVE YOU THE LINKS TO POST IT HERE? DO LET ME KNOW!

Do Take care of yourself and contact any of us if you need any help or pray.

Love and hugs in Christ
Daffodilflower

​

 

[dandymandy]

I WILL PM YOU THE LINK BECAUSE I CAN'T POST LINKS OR CAN ANYONE POST LINKS I CAN GIVE YOU THE LINKS TO POST IT HERE? DO LET ME KNOW!

You can't post links?

The usual process is
1)to highlight the address of the site in question,
2) then to use copy in the edit function on the tool bar,
3)then to return to CF and
4) start your message,
5)then to paste what you have copied.

I don't know what internet browser you have so that might not work.

At the very least, you can copy the address with a pencil and then manually enter it into your post.

God bless,

 

[dandymandy]

DandyMandy your situation sounds a lot like mine. Instead of your MIL being responsible and making the phone call letting you know she wasn't going to make it, she sits back and lets you take action. It sounds as if you have clearly defined boundaries, and that is going to make all the difference in the world. I made the mistake of constantly changing my plans to accomodate my in-laws. ,,,,,,,,,

Part of the equation is that manners seems to be reserved for people outside the family. Whenever I take "hedge clippers" to her, she treats me better. In a perverse way, I suppose I should take satisfaction with the abuse as it means I am considered family.

I am blessed to have a father-in-law who supports me. There is only so much talking we can do---in fact, talking is limited mostly to acknowledgement of the other's situation---we each have our own path to walk.

I am blessed to have a husband who is striving for independence. There was an instance where he tore his mum to shreds for her inconsideration. That was not helpful. In fact, I insisted that he apologise for his behaviour and forgive his mother's misbehaviour. Being a man includes treating one's mother with patience while maintaining boundaries.

God bless,