Overcoming passiveness ...

[k8tie]

Hello -

I've come to realize I have a problem, and I'm hoping for some advice from y'all.

I don't know if anyone else deals with this, but I was raised to be the passive "good daughter." Obedient, not very independent minded, etc.

Well, as an adult, that passiveness has led me into jealousy. I see all around me people who are ambitious or simply confident in what they want and who they are. I have co-workers who are assertive in saying what work assignments they would like, or getting attention in the workplace.

Also, I see other women who know how to "communicate" their femininity to others -- not in a bad way, just in little things like eye contact, asking for help, their clothing, and catching a guy's attention, etc. These are all things I have no clue about.

For some reason, my reaction is not to be inspired by others but to feel bad about myself. I just fold up into a little ball, and then I feel even worse. I feel so unskilled and so intimidated. I'm afraid of being rejected, I guess. Worse, I find myself getting resentful, as if the world owes it to me to be helping me out -- not good!

I DO know that God loves me unconditionally, but believing it in my heart and showing it in my actions is another story.

Are there steps I can take to get out of this passive, self-pitying rut? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[desi]

People have different temperaments, it sounds like you don't see the value in yours. If you can sit back and go with the flow you will probably outlive your more ambitious peers. You are also less of an overt threat to your boss so they don't have to watch their back so much when you're around which should help with job security for you. As long as you do a little more than the average person you will do well in life. If you still want to learn to be more ambitious you can model the successful women you know or ask them for advice. Most of us are flattered when afforded the opportunity to give advice. I pray for God to help you with this and bless you either way.

 

[rogsr]

Hello,
Desi said many of the same things I would have said except that you want to look deeper into yourself to see what good things you posess. It sounds to me like you are a nice person, which is something that many ambitious people are not.

I don't know what type of business you are in, but it is true that many ambitious people do get ahead, but at what cost? Is that cost something that you are willing to pay? You have a career and that is a blessing, do your job to the absolute best of your abilities as if it were an extension of your being. I'm saying be a slave to your job, just do a really good job.

If you are worrying about men, don't. I have been in love two times in my life. The first was with a girl that knew exactly what she wanted, which was to serve herself. The second time was with my wife, she is a woman that knows exactly what she wants too, which is to love God and love me. It sounds like you both have similar spirits, which is beautiful and rare. Set goals for your self that you want to achieve, not what others want you to achieve, and then seek to fulfill those goals. If you do that I feel that you will be much happier. Thank you for asking advice

 

[k8tie]

Hi there,

Thanks, you guys, for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. What you have said gives me some things to think about.

People have different temperaments, it sounds like you don't see the value in yours.

This is true. I very often feel "passed over." I see people going for and getting what they want. In my quietness, I feel I am at the mercy of others to notice me or encourage me. There are definitely people who are quiet and seem perfectly happy with that. I guess the first step for me is to accept and value my temperament, even if I do desire more than sitting back and watching the world go by. I appreciate your prayers, Desi.

Rogsr, your wife is an inspiration to me -- that she knows what she wants. You are very perceptive; I do feel I've gotten tossed about, not quite deciding what I want and therefore wanting what everyone else has that looks good. But clearly, being covetous is making me unhappy.

I see I have some issues to bring to the Lord. Thank you for helping me see what's been going on with me. Bless you both for your kindness.

 

[Daughter of His]

Hi K8tie,

You sound a lot like my daughter, only she is only 13. She was so discouraged by her laid back personality. So we began to pray every night for God to help make her a little bolder, in a good way, that pleases Him. In addition, I asked her to make one new "boldness step" everyday. Usually this is initiating a conversation with someone she would not normally talk with. Right away she got positive results. Once a day is not so difficult. Maybe people thought she way shy and didn't want to talk. She has made many new and good friends since we started praying, we continue too. I know God has a great plan for both of you. It takes a sweet ,sweet nature to be passive- I pray that your blooming will be most joyious. God bless you!

 

[Rage4Christ]

k8tie, being passive means not taking risks. Becoming assertive is a skill.

From reading your post, you are an excellent writer. I have no doubt, that if you are willing to take risks, you will quickly learn the skills required to be assertive.

It is easier to stew in jealously and self hatred that to take risks. I think it is more the risk of failure that has you conflicted, rather than fear of being assertive itself.

Set small goals of assertivenss. Don't try to do everything at once. Learn from your mistakes, and "have fun." One of the upsides to risk is the surge of adrenaline that you're going to get.

I'm sorry you were raised to be a passive "good daughter." Just be glad you've realized what a mistake your parents made doing that, and take on the responsiblity to make this change in your life. It is your choice. The path to Christ is a path of Chioces, not of fitting into specific holy "roles." A choice to a lifestyle isn't going to get you on the path to Christ. Confronting your fears, making personal choices is.

Good luck, you can do it.

 

[k8tie]

You guys are great! Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom.

Daughter of His, your own daughter is blessed to have you as her mother. It's great that you've been supporting her desire to get outside her comfort zone and try new things out in life. That's a valuable gift you're giving. I like how you view it -- as blooming. I appreciate your motherly advice!

Rage4Christ, thanks for breaking my situation (and options) down for me. I'm looking forward to those adrenaline rushes! You're very right when you say that it's all about a fear of failure. That's something I've been stymied by, for sure. But I liked your reminder that the path to Christ is led by choices, not obligation or fitting in.

Last night, I was having a little quiet time with the Lord, and He led me to realize that there's so much in life that I have felt "matters" that really doesn't matter. I've felt a burden to sort of keep pace with everyone, or else I felt like a failure. I felt 'less than.'

But, I think He was trying to help me see that what is, simply is. People get promoted, others get fired, some people marry, others have health problems. Life isn't a reward system, it's just life. There are no judgments made on value. As Rogsr mentioned, I only need to look within to see where I want to put my efforts. Even if I make mistakes, which I will, life will still be life.

Bless you all.