Our Friendship Was A Lie

[rita727]

I've decided to cut off a fake friend, and am still sad over what I thought our friendship WAS.

I'm new in the military, and have moved to my first unit overseas. I'm pretty quiet, so when this guy seemed like he wanted to be my friend, I was open. But now, after a couple months I no longer trust him: I've caught him in lies more than once and he's disrespectful of my sexual boundaries. I distanced myself from him. Once he sensed this, he suddenly became friendlier. Then he asks if I wanted "to do dinner tomorrow evening" so we could talk about his "spiritual realizations." My intuition told me he had other motives, so I told him I was busy that evening but that we could hang out in the DAY, if he wanted. He agreed. But the next day came: no call, text, nothing. In fact, for several days afterward, he ignores me. Yesterday, I had to work with him. We made small conversation. After work ended, I somehow lost the guilt I felt cutting him loose. Interestingly enough, he texts me "hello" at 1am. That angers me. He stands me up without an excuse, and then decides to pop up.....oh when?.... when he's bored or horny? $@%!

So...I'm back to square one. Thanks for letting me vent

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hi, and sorry you've had to go through this.

I'm sure you know that you are describing a LOT of red flags. I'm not there, and I may be misreading the situation, but …

If you're newly away from home, and naturally quiet, you may appear to be an easy target.

That he's lied to you is never a good sign.

A lack of respect for your sexual boundaries isn't good either. I'm wondering if he knows you are Christian, or sees you as a "good girl"? You distanced yourself from him, and he was suddenly more interested - then used the lure of talking about "spiritual" things to draw you in. Those make me think you could be just a conquest.

The game (if that's what he's doing) of standing you up then ignoring you for a few days can just be a way to draw you in. And since he wanted to see you at night and you refused and made the offer of seeing him in the daytime, it can just be that his motives are suspect.

And texting you at 1am can be another tactic.

Of course, he may just be an immature and/or insensitive guy, but … this kind of thing can be calculated as well. That's why I'm suggesting so many things to be suspicious of. Normally I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this could be a dangerous situation for you as you describe it.

If it were me, I'd be very, VERY careful. And seek out other friendships so you aren't as vulnerable .

Again, I'm sorry you had to experience this.

 

[seashale76]

It sounds like he's only your friend because he wants something from you and thinks you might be useful to him. In this case- it sounds sexual and that he also looks at you as a way to help alleviate his boredom.

I've posted this before on the topic of friendship:

Aristotle wrote quite a bit about different types of friendships. He recognized three bases for friendships forming- due to someone being good, being useful, or being pleasant. The relationships are only as good/perfect as those engaging in them. So, if people are equally virtuous, then they will have a great friendship, but if they have unequal moral development, then the friendship is usually driven by and lasts only at the whim of the least morally developed person in the relationship. The highest form of friendship is when a person wants only good things for another person and not for their own gain.

Unfortunately, most people are stuck in a very selfish form of friendship with most other people. In other words, they're only friends with people who they think have something in common with them and who are potentially useful to them in some way. If your usefulness disappears, then the friendship will soon dissipate. Granted, most people don't consciously think this way- and it really isn't malicious on the part of most- it just happens.

Perhaps it is just time to cut your friend loose.

 

[Scott1979]

From what you shared, I think you were right to get rid of him. It sounds like a friendship as long as he can get something out of it. When you try to stand your ground he doesn't want anything to do with you. I applaud you for standing up for yourself and not taking anything off of him. Good luck to you and God Bless you.

 

[cerette]

If I've read correctly between the lines it sounds like he is trying to get sex from you. For that reason, stay away.
A true friend wouldn't behave oddly like that...unless there is some other "issue" there.

Try to make some other friends instead, but continue to be polite and kind to this guy too.

 

[Albion]

Yeh, it sounds like you have enough evidence to have concluded that the wisest course would be to keep him at arm's length.

 

[Sword of the Lord]

I've actually had a girl do to me what this guy is doing to you, and as a guy myself, I know the game, have played the game (before becoming a Christian), and still see the game played amongst my friends. He wants a sexual relationship; a booty call whenever he pleases. Stay away.

 

[Sword of the Lord]

And honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if he was intoxicated and looking for a hookup at 1am. I used to mass text hookups really late after drinking and/or smoking weed to find a willing and available girl. I was pretty bad and really secular in my behavior.

Trust me, he's no good.

 

[asiyreh]

Did you inhale?

 

[rita727]

A lack of respect for your sexual boundaries isn't good either. I'm wondering if he knows you are Christian, or sees you as a "good girl"? You distanced yourself from him, and he was suddenly more interested - then used the lure of talking about "spiritual" things to draw you in. Those make me think you could be just a conquest.

He's very aware that I'm Christian. Our first conversations were about the Bible and what we each felt God wanted us to do with our lives. He told me he was Christian too, and felt God wanted him to be a preacher. So, I thought he'd be a good person....at first.

I also believe he used the whole "spiritual conversation" thing to lure me in. But, good thing I listened to my intuition. Spiritually obviously wasn't on his mind...

The game (if that's what he's doing) of standing you up then ignoring you for a few days can just be a way to draw you in. And since he wanted to see you at night and you refused and made the offer of seeing him in the daytime, it can just be that his motives are suspect.

I've also been thinking about that too. That the silence was another tactic. A little voice told me to keep ignoring him and not break down and talk to him---although I had every desire TO GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND. But I didnt. I'm glad I listened to the little voice. After getting that late night text from him, I know that he's up to no good.

 

[rita727]

And honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if he was intoxicated and looking for a hookup at 1am. I used to mass text hookups really late after drinking and/or smoking weed to find a willing and available girl. I was pretty bad and really secular in my behavior.

Trust me, he's no good.

Excellent point. This particular person drinks A LOT. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he was drunk out his mind when he messaged me.

 

[rita727]

If I've read correctly between the lines it sounds like he is trying to get sex from you. For that reason, stay away.
A true friend wouldn't behave oddly like that...unless there is some other "issue" there.

Try to make some other friends instead, but continue to be polite and kind to this guy too.

I think so too, now. Sadly.

I want to be polite and kind. I prayed about how I should treat him, and a little voice told me that I should treat him like a brother in Christ.

That's hard to do right now: because he doesnt ACT like a brother in Christ, and he doesnt think of me as his SISTER now. Not only that, but I've lost respect and trust for him.

 

[rita727]

From what you shared, I think you were right to get rid of him. It sounds like a friendship as long as he can get something out of it. When you try to stand your ground he doesn't want anything to do with you. I applaud you for standing up for yourself and not taking anything off of him. Good luck to you and God Bless you.

Thanks.

It does hurt me that his whole "let's get to know each other" spiel, and "you're my friend" nonsense...was all a ploy. I dont like feeling like a THING, a useable THING, and that's how I feel and would feel being around him, since he wants a booty call.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I'm sorry the situation turned out this way, but it's a good thing you were wise enough (and listened to that little voice) and didn't fall for it.

Be careful that he doesn't lure you in to something like praying together either. Actually, that's rarely ever a good idea for singles of the opposite sex to be prayer partners. I've had male Bible study partners, when we both very clearly understood bounds and took a care to be accountable, but I wouldn't even do that in this situation, if he brings it up.

I hope you make new friends soon.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe he cares about you and wants more and drinks too much. Nobody is perfect. I aint sayin you have to date him, but maybe meet him with friends at church or something. Lead him along according to where he is at in his spirituality. If nice people give up on him then he might only associate with bad people. Then he will be lost.