On going problems

[Michael03]

Hi. I am new. Ive been looking for answers to this overall problem in my life. To be blunt, Ive had ups and downs all my life, and its driving me crazy. One day I feel like a strong new person, and the next day everything comes crashing down on me. It feels like I have to start over every day. Sometimes I would rather choose a 100% horrible life, than to be jerked back and forth, and to be teased. Ive had many huge disappointments all my life, and these disappointments seem to be constant.

My relationship with God is unknown. Ive prayed and prayed for quite a while. Ive fought addictions, and kept them away for a long time. I basically try to do everything right that I can. I just dont seem to get much help, from my prayers.

Life is very difficult for me, more so in a social sense. I have trouble functioning around multiple people. I believe I am a manic depressive. I used to take medication, but it did not feel right to me. I am doing much better than before when I was on medication.

I think what makes me unique, is that my faith is very strong. I was brought up in a very pessimistic background. Ive done a 180, and turned my influences, and habit of worrying and being pessimistic, into optimism. I feel very strong at times, and confident. Others, I feel just the opposite, but I keep fighting.

I mainly pray, that God will help me find someone. A social companion. I have only a few true friends. Some can say that their family, or their parents can be friends, but I feel I need someone my own age. This particular friend, is very far away. We have everything in common, and we were on the verge of dating. We were so close to comming together, then all of a sudden, my "bad luck" seemed to kick in, and she changed her mind. With all of my patients, and maturity, its still very difficult to accept the fact we will only be friends. Not only friends, but very distant friends. This friend is wonderful. Its just very hard to deal with not physically being there for them.

My heart feels very confused right now. I feel like I am suffering emotionally. I dont know what to do, except be patient. I have been patient for years. I just have this horrible lonely feeling inside me. I pray for help, but it never seems to come. I have trouble sleeping, and I have nightmares all the time now.

I could go on forever with more detail, but I dont want to bother you all with a book of my life. I just need some advice, and probably some prayers. I do feel, that if I had someone close to me, it would solve many of my problems. I have accepted the possibility that I may never be able to love my friend, like I wish to. The horrible part of this is, she is my first "true" love. We have all experienced lust, and it is sometimes hard to determine which. I am certain I care for this person, and it seems obvious that she needs me, yet she is so far out of reach. I try not to think about it so much, but I cant help it.

I just need some advice on what to do about this empty, lonely feeling. Im very tired of fighting. I would just like to relax and be happy for once in my life. I am greatful for many things, but yet it still feels I have a curse over my head, and I do not know why.

 

[sunshineray]

Hi Michael03!!

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time in life. I too have felt the way you are feeling. You say that you feel like you need good friends in your life. That was how I felt, and finding good friends has really helped me.

Do you go to church? If so, are you happy there? Are there a lot of young adults?? If not, these might be some things to consider. I know that what has really changed both my life and my boyfriend's life is getting involved in a life group. My boyfriend got plugged into an awesome life group and he has found so awesome friendships with the guys in his group.

I hope that this might help. If not, I've always got a friendly ear to chat, so feel free to PM me. Realize that you are not alone. So many people I know have felt the way you do. Don't give up... you will be ok.... you will find your niche in life.

 

[Montanaman]

Don't worry about it. The 20's suck. It's a weird turbulent time when you're pulling away from childhood and entering adulthood. It used to happen earlier, but our culture makes it easier to extend childhood much longer.

Don't start thinking you've got all these things wrong with you. (Unless you're really close to acting out on suicidal thoughts).

As someone with shelves full of journal entries just like what you wrote above, take it from me--with a little prayer and persistence, disciplining your mind and body, you'll pull out of it. If I can extricate myself from that dark place, so can you.

And don't worry if God feels distant. It only feels that way.

 

[MarkEvan]

Hi,
Being a christian isn`t easy as I am sure you know, but we know that it is not in our strength that we walk but rather in His strength. And although there is a longing for companionship and friends, we have the best friend that anyone could ever ask for, when I am feeling lonely this scripture always seems to cheer me up...."and lo I am with you even to the end of the age,"....God gives us everything needed for life and Godliness, the important thing for you is that you look to God, always put Him first, "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousnes and these things will be added unto you."

Mark

 

[Michael03]

Actually, my brother goes to church very regularly. He is 7 years younger than I am, and he is in charge of his own youth group.

I went to church in the past when I was a teen. I felt very out of place there, and I just do not feel comfortable around groups of people. Especially with people my own age, it seems to be even harder. My brother is very social, but unfortuantely I am not. He always invites me to go with him, but I never feel interested, nor do I feel comfortable even with him around. People have told me to go against my discomfort in people, and that it is a phase. I disagree, and having social anxiety is no picnic. Ive tried forcing myself into social situations, but I just end up very uncomfortable. I wish I could just be cured. I have come a long way, but it still interfears with my life.

It seems that all the good friends I have had, and I can get along with, have moved away or are out of reach. People who are readily available, never turn out to be the kind of people I am looking for. I guess this is one of my examples of having "bad luck". The general feeling in life I get, is being teased, tortured, and disappointed many times. I keep my head up, but the horrible pattern never seems to be broken.

 

[MarkEvan]

There is no such thing as luck either good or bad.
The only thing that matters (to quote Paul) is "faith working through love" if you have this then all these things are (Paul again) "a slight momentary affliction preparing us for an eternal weight of glory," sure that slight momentary affliction sure hurts but it is only momentary.

Mark

 

[sunshineray]

Actually, my brother goes to church very regularly. He is 7 years younger than I am, and he is in charge of his own youth group.

I went to church in the past when I was a teen. I felt very out of place there, and I just do not feel comfortable around groups of people. Especially with people my own age, it seems to be even harder. My brother is very social, but unfortuantely I am not. He always invites me to go with him, but I never feel interested, nor do I feel comfortable even with him around. People have told me to go against my discomfort in people, and that it is a phase. I disagree, and having social anxiety is no picnic. Ive tried forcing myself into social situations, but I just end up very uncomfortable. I wish I could just be cured. I have come a long way, but it still interfears with my life.

It seems that all the good friends I have had, and I can get along with, have moved away or are out of reach. People who are readily available, never turn out to be the kind of people I am looking for. I guess this is one of my examples of having "bad luck". The general feeling in life I get, is being teased, tortured, and disappointed many times. I keep my head up, but the horrible pattern never seems to be broken.

I used to struggle in large group situations. I do much better in small groups. I'm not sure how your brother's church works, but maybe they can plug you into a small group/life group, without you having to go and actively search for one yourself.

Oh yeah! And just because you go to church with your brother, doesn't mean you have to become the super social person. It's ok if you keep to yourself. You shouldn't even feel like you have to interact with others after a service... maybe you can leave right after. And after awhile you might feel yourself becoming more comfortable in your surroundings. Church social situations can be super awkward and a lot of times they can feel forced or weird when you don't really know anyone. You're not the only one who feels this way. But maybe after you go a few times and make yourself a familiar face you can slowly build friendships instead of being forced into being social all at once.

 

[Someguyouknow]

I am a loner... Since i moved from my friends when i was younger, i couldnt really hold on to friendships either. I had "friends" in high school but we were using each other... we were never really friends. Just one of those things i guess...

I have a fear of large groups as well. I dislike large groups very much so... i try to avoid them.

I am just saying that you are not alone... as i read your problems, i saw some similarities with my own.

 

[PrincessK]

I am exactly the same way I don't feel comfortable around many people. Since I started having a closer relationship with God things have changed a bit. This is what works for me whenever I start to get that scared uncomfortable feeling I start to think about how much God loves me and I should fear no man. I just think about God and I do feel lot stronger. It doesn't work all the time I still struggle sometimes with the fear but I am 100% better than I used to be. Keep persisting, keep praying and leaning on God things will get better.

 

[sherri]

I went to church in the past when I was a teen. I felt very out of place there, and I just do not feel comfortable around groups of people. Especially with people my own age, it seems to be even harder. My brother is very social, but unfortuantely I am not. He always invites me to go with him, but I never feel interested, nor do I feel comfortable even with him around. People have told me to go against my discomfort in people, and that it is a phase. I disagree, and having social anxiety is no picnic. Ive tried forcing myself into social situations, but I just end up very uncomfortable. I wish I could just be cured. I have come a long way, but it still interfears with my life.

Dude, to be brutally blunt - if you want God to fix you then you have to obey him. That means doing stuff like going to church even if you find it difficult. Let me tell you from my own experiences that there are always people in the church that really, really struggle. But only the ones who stay in the church get healed (and only get complete healing if they really pursue it).
God doesn't love you or me any more then the last broken down drunk you saw on the corner who'll one day die there or some other dirty backstreet. But unlike him we have access to a God who can fix us.

But he can only do that if we ask him to do it and actually pursue it through obeying him.


prayers for you

 

[xladyfayre]

you do not have to attend church with your brother. How about some smaller churches or maybe a small Bible group to start. Do you have a couple of close friends who are Christians that you can start a group with? Maybe you all could go to church together and sit together and congregate together- that way it might not be so awkward if you go with 2 other people.

 

[Shyguyelite]

Don't worry about it. The 20's suck. It's a weird turbulent time when you're pulling away from childhood and entering adulthood. It used to happen earlier, but our culture makes it easier to extend childhood much longer.

Don't start thinking you've got all these things wrong with you. (Unless you're really close to acting out on suicidal thoughts).

As someone with shelves full of journal entries just like what you wrote above, take it from me--with a little prayer and persistence, disciplining your mind and body, you'll pull out of it. If I can extricate myself from that dark place, so can you.

And don't worry if God feels distant. It only feels that way.

Yes... its very hard to look at oneself objectively. People look at themselves, compare with other people, perhaps make assumptions, and in their infinite 'wisdom' about themselves (surely the person who knows you the best is... you?), figure out they have a problem.

Yes... its true they may have a problem of some kind, however its important to note that there are multitudes of people out there with similar problems. While that may not be comforting, the point is people aren't anomalies as much as they think.

I hope that, and everyone else's responses alleviate some of your thoughts about yourself that seem to revolve around being 'different'.

Objectively it may be true; one person has a pattern of grouping with 10 people, another has a pattern of grouping with 5, another has a pattern of grouping with 1, another has a pattern grouping with 0.

However people can never tell whats going inside others.

Any way, you claim to have problems. I would agree, since you say so. I would disagree on the severity of the problems, since most people in their humanity think their problems more serious then they are.

HOWEVER... If what you say about yourself is 100% true, as it may well be (I wouldn't know), then I have some... advice?

First off I want to say its easy for me, anyone, to look another person in the eye and say "Oh! You should do this!" with ease, however for that person it neither comes easy or even helpful.

Dude, to be brutally blunt - if you want God to fix you then you have to obey him. That means doing stuff like going to church even if you find it difficult. Let me tell you from my own experiences that there are always people in the church that really, really struggle. But only the ones who stay in the church get healed (and only get complete healing if they really pursue it).
God doesn't love you or me any more then the last broken down drunk you saw on the corner who'll one day die there or some other dirty backstreet. But unlike him we have access to a God who can fix us.

I agree, however sometimes we get this notion that "only God can fix this". This is true, however people disagree on the method God chooses. He could use a psychologist. Medicine. Or perhaps miraculous healing. In any case, I do believe that obeying God will undoubtedly help, though I am abit skeptical on just what exactly that means.

A person with a broken leg could obey God for his entire life, yet without treatment, his leg will not return to its normal, functioning state.

The message is simply this; you have to be active in your own healing. Reading scriptures and going to church every Sunday, praying every second will most likely not solve a problem. Perhaps this is BLASPHEMY!!!, but it is similar to the above example.

You don't have a broken leg though. You have life problems that don't have an 'easy' fix (a broken leg is easier and faster to fix then, say, depression). However you need to try, even if just a little.

You tire, as we all do, and perhaps you think you are 'ill-equipped', and therefore at an inherent disadvantage. However trying... fighting is something you must do. If only a little!

I'm glad to hear you are more optimistic then ever. Keep this up! Hope!!! Keep your spirits up. Easy for me/psychologist/pastor/campus preacher to say... difficult in practice I know. But fightin to keep hope alive, even just a little, will help you through, and it sounds like you are doing so!

I just dont seem to get much help, from my prayers.

I won't say "Don't expect any", but I will say "You won't expect them as they come". There is no quick fix to 'problems'.

Life is very difficult for me, more so in a social sense. I have trouble functioning around multiple people.

A book, "Shyness" (Philip G. Zimbardo), written by a Standford professor (hes gotta be good eh? lol), cites a study, which essentially says that girls with perceived social issues may actually have poor social skills, while guys with perceived social issues usually rate themselves lower than they are, compared to some 'baseline'.

Again, the point is we are not all as strong and happy as we pretend we are. People with problems, in other words all of us, may be rating themselves lower in life then what they truly are.

I believe I am a manic depressive. I used to take medication, but it did not feel right to me. I am doing much better than before when I was on medication.

Ahhh... medicine related to the treatment of mental 'disorders' have always interested me, simply because I am taking some right now for depression. I won't get into whether they work or not, or whether there is such a thing as a chemical imbalance, but what do you mean when you say "it did not feel right to me."?

I mainly pray, that God will help me find someone. A social companion. I have only a few true friends.

Hmmm, after desiring to be popular, and a ladies man , which I'd imagine doesn't go away in time, just takes different form (fame at work, a good lover, etc.), I think that everyone only has few true friends.

What they may have is alot of conversational partners and sources of entertainment.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a horde of friends, but its often not what we think it is.

But I think I know how you feel, and what you mean. I believe people need each other, not just for social status (which may or may not exist concretely in the sense that its defined by an always changing sea of people) but because we need others!

Personally though, I am finding it difficult at my age in this college town differentiating between what I needfrom people, and what I want from people.

It sounds like you need someone. I am glad that you worded your need of God in this area by saying "help" instead of "give"; he gave you a mouth and a brain (though some would wish some mouths were sealed shut!!!). I suppose this is another 'take affirmative action!'. Easy to say, hard to execute in practice.

I went to church in the past when I was a teen. I felt very out of place there, and I just do not feel comfortable around groups of people. Especially with people my own age, it seems to be even harder. My brother is very social, but unfortuantely I am not. He always invites me to go with him, but I never feel interested, nor do I feel comfortable even with him around. People have told me to go against my discomfort in people, and that it is a phase. I disagree, and having social anxiety is no picnic. Ive tried forcing myself into social situations, but I just end up very uncomfortable. I wish I could just be cured. I have come a long way, but it still interfears with my life.

Now this is interesting in the sense that it seems to be a textbook example of some well defined (by psychologists or whatever) 'problem'. I would call it shyness or social anxiety. Who knows.

You say people have told you to go against your discomfort. This interests me, because I wonder 2-3 months down the road whether these 'people' that told you things that apparently did not help will be... us. Hopefully not.

You seem to explicitly say "I have social anxiety". This is 'good', because I'd imagine social anxiety has been studied quite abit, and there are solutions out there from certified people.

In any case, your circumstance with social anxiety sounds similar to mine. What can you do about it? I've no idea, save take Valium or other depressants before a social situation, though I'm sure there are other ways.

People who are readily available, never turn out to be the kind of people I am looking for.

This may sound like a cruel joke, but maybe you should lower your standards? Or if its not about some level, just specific qualities... well you are certainly not alone, however I do believe you may be limiting yourself. How do you feel about people?

Oh yeah! And just because you go to church with your brother, doesn't mean you have to become the super social person. It's ok if you keep to yourself. You shouldn't even feel like you have to interact with others after a service... maybe you can leave right after.

I totally agree. You seem to have an understanding of some 'difference' between you and your brother. In essence, you are shooting yourself in the foot. I was the same with my older brother, and even find myself doing it today, and that is compare and contrast. Usually you end up with qualities or 'abilities' you wish you had that another person seems to have. You can develop these, however expecting the same 'results' is bad, mostly because what other people have is generally not as great as we think it is.

I've essentially done alot of "You need to change this" or "You shouldn't think like that", which is the bane of someone who is hurting. Tell "You shouldn't worry about the pain; God is with you" to a man with a broken leg, you will end up getting socked. All I know is that it takes a few minutes to read these responses, however it may take months to see 'results' by implementing the ones you see as valid or helpful. I know what you are going through to some extent; what I don't know is everything else; your environment, your history, your deepest thoughts. Even if I did know these, I might have nothing helpful to say. Probably more "You need to change this", "This is bad".

But good 'luck'. I view luck as the result of an infinite number of particles following physical laws, which when scaled to the macroscopic, gives people problems or blessings. Only God knows the information of every single particle in existence, so hang in there.

Seek help. I don't know just how strong your suffering is, and what the solution is, but take hope. You are alot 'stronger' than I; stick with it.

 

[Michael03]

The worst part of my problem, is that I am sad all the time. I just recently got a new car, that is very unique. Even on that day, I still had this lonely feeling. It really feels as if its impossible for me to feel normal, or happy.

Having friends is bitter sweet. I feel happy while I talk with them, then when they have to leave, or they are away, it hits me really hard. My emotions are so amplified. My best friend, she has even a worse affect on me. Its like I can't find a balance - I am either extremely happy, or extremely sad. The best I can describe the sad feeling, is equal to someone leaving you, or abandoning you. What I meant by the medication not feeling right, is that I feel I should be able to beat this on my own. I guess I just have this belief and faith that my body can fix itself. I don't like the idea of putting different kinds of drugs into my body, like some kind of guinie pig. I do not like to be dependant on things.

I have prayed for this feeling to go away for a very long time. Probably nearly two years. What is the point of me feeling this way? Should I avoid my friend, because she makes me feel extremely lonely when shes not around? I'm really very clueless what to do. Even though I hate crowds, and people I have experianced it before. I am not exadurating one bit, when I explain how deeply happy, and sad that I am.

Also, thank you everyone for the help.

 

[sunshineray]

Hmmm, so you think you are feeling very lonely without your friend because you have a "thing" for her???

 

[Michael03]

Hmmm, so you think you are feeling very lonely without your friend because you have a "thing" for her???

Yes. It's very common for my mood to totally drop, once I am alone from anyone. Even male friends. I do atleast have a "thing" for her like you said. I realize the difference between love and lust. This probably sounds typical, but I feel very differently toward this person, than I have to any other female. We have everything in common. It feels like we are twins. It's fair to say, that she too could post my exact words like I have. Only she is even worse, when it comes to social interaction. She is afraid to be more than friends, even though she wants to be. She has even approached me, so it's not like I am being selfish with my own feelings, and trying to presuade her. I just know that if we were together, it would be like hitting two birds with one stone. I just can't figure out why this isn't happening, besides maybe the distance between us - over 5 states away. She even has had two boyfriends, who were both distant from her as well. She even knows, that I am able to move closer to her.

I just don't understand, why I'm not the lucky guy. It's especially frustrating, because I do love her and I do not want to be with anyone else. I even try not to get my feelings worked up, and I try to be stricly a friend. I have prayed about that also, to only be a friend and not complicate things. I don't understand why she will not even give us a chance.

It's things like this, that make me think "Why?". It seems like, an average Joe would't have problems like this. If Tom and Jane likes each other, they usually get together, or atleast try to. Things always have to be so difficult to me. It feels like I am being teased with everything in life.

 

[Shyguyelite]

Hmmm, you are beginning to sound like me; one second its all sunshine and flowers, next its gloomy when everyone goes. But then its sunshine when a pretty girl says hi

Any way, i'll be leaving for home after finals, and i'm dreading it slightly, simply because I always feel horrible knowing it'll be awhile till I see everyone. But thats just the way life is I suppose.

I have prayed for this feeling to go away for a very long time. Probably nearly two years. What is the point of me feeling this way?

Perhaps this is no point at all. I love to use the broken leg.. um analogy? Most people don't say "What is the point of me having a broken leg?" They usually go to a hospital, get it fixed. The only reason you would question living with a broken leg is if someone else was requiring, forcing you to have a broken leg.

I don't know what God wants, but I'd suggest talkin to someone 'bout it, like face to face. If you think you are suffering from maniac depression, there are ways to counter that.

 

[Michael03]

Thanks everyone. I'm happy to say that things are much better now, and I do realize some things. I noticed that when I get frustrated or in a bad mood, it no longer ruins my whole day. I am getting immune to frustration more and more each day it seems.

I can't totally agree with the part about "God wants me to go to church everyday" I know Church is like another family, and you constantly learn there, but I just feel he wanted me to be more open with people, even if its electronically. I had a few more big prayers, and that seemed to have make a huge difference. Maybe he was testing me, patients and all. Seems I had to go through one last test/prayer to prove I won't give up.

Medication would probably help me and make things easier, but I am just a weird person I guess. I never take Aspirin or any thing for aches and pains. I just like to fight them naturally. I was praying about the medication too, and I feel that he has agreed with me, and that I can get through life just fine without. One sign you may say, could be that recently my mom was given some medication for her headahces, and the doctor made a miscalculation and they were too strong for her. It made her quite delusional. Enough to where it made her run off the side of the road, over a wire fence. She was fine, just damaged the truck a bit, but to me I find that as a sign, that I am right about being careful about taking medication, and that I probably will never need it to function. I hope that doesn't seem too superstitious to you all. I do feel that was partly a sign for me though.

As for my friend, things are getting much better for me. I no longer feel those lonely feelings. I don't have to resist urges to be with her anymore. I appriciate her verbal company more than ever. My slight jealous feelings I was having are vanishing. I will probably begin to become friends with the both of them very soon. Her bf is a very nice guy, and she deserves him. I am still concerned about her being lonely, but maybe things will change. For now I feel like a 100% friend. I haven't given up on her as far as being more than friends, but I can surely say I have put my feelings on hold for now. Perhaps in the future we may get closer, or perhaps not. I feel ok with either option right now. I think God has given me a boost of patients as a reward, for being patient with him. Ironic isn't it?

Also, what makes my friend so special, is that her influence seems to cause me to totally block out my former drug addiction. I also admit I was in the habbit of inappropriate contentograpy too. It's weird how I never really put a lot of effort into quitting both things, but I knew they were wrong. When she came along I found that I didn't want to do either things. Do you think this has a meaning? Perhaps we were meant to be friends to help one another. I also help her in ways as well. More mentally than actively.