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No sex for 7 months

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Yngtex, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. Yngtex

    Yngtex New Member

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    My wife and I are both Christians, we love the Lord with all of our hearts. We have been married for over 20 years and have definitely had some struggles (finances mainly), but we deeply care for each other. We are in our early 40's and in pretty good shape. The problem is, she just won't have sex with me. It's been over 7 months now. Before that, we would have sex about once every 6-8 weeks. She just has no real drive. The sex is great when we have it, I make sure that I satisfy her multiple times before I get satisfied, so I just feel so rejected and unattractive since she doesn't want to be intimate. She is not a touchy person at all and I am. I have always had a higher sex drive than her, I could do it every day. I just want people to talk to about this. Can't talk to friends at all. We are in counseling, but it's for other things, not sex. It comes up a little bit, but she just doesn't even think about it. I masterbate some, but not every day. I don't watch porn, but probably would if I didn't feel it was wrong. I think about sex all the time. I am praying to God to help me, but just getting very frustrated.....
     
  2. kmrichard7

    kmrichard7 Well-Known Member

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    That sucks. I'm so sorry.

    First, realize it's likely not you and more often than not it's got nothing to do with your marriage at all. Sex drives depleat for MANY reasons, especially in women going through hormonal changes. She could be pre menopause, or any other health issue can cause it but it's not her choice most of the time, it's just her body is shutting down that aspect. She should, if she hasn't yet, go get a checkup to rule out any possible medical problems. Is she on medication? A lot of medications can also effect the sex drive. Another thing is any stress or mental health issues current? That could really feed into it as well.

    7 months is an incredibly long time but use this time to connect with God. Use this time for prayer and maybe this is a season in your life God is giving you to reconnect with him, to have you test your strength and help you focus on Him despite your struggles.

    Either way though, be sure to remain intimate. If it's cuddling at night, listening to her talk about her day, cooking dinner for her, going on a date, be with her. Be attentive to your relationship and keep the intimacy alive despite the lack of actual sex. Keep the spark alive and bring this up in therapy. If it isn't discussed much it's because you have not let it be known how much it is effecting you. It's understandable that you would be reluctant to be upfront on this issue but I would bring it up with your wife (so she isn't blind sighted) and then bring it up in therapy. Just remember to not point the finger at her and suggest she have a checkup done, so many medical problems stem from a low sex drive. Your therapist would likely agree and think a check up with a primary care doctor is a good idea in this case.
     
  3. johndoo

    johndoo Newbie

    273
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    A book that is recommended in some counseling is "Sheet Music"
    If she is a reader, it may be helpful.
    A respectable Christian counselor should be able and willing to say that this arrangement is defrauding and neglecting you.
    And you can say it in counseling and are backed by scripture.
    I doubt she has a sex aversion because things have went well in the past.
    Sounds like a really low drive now with the emotional part thrown in with your current marital issues.
    In your defense you can also use the "emotional needs " approach.
    " My top emotional need is physical touch/sex. Your top emotional need is _____________ . Let's work at meeting each other's top needs" (His Needs, Her Needs)
    Being blunt outside of the bedroom, may be needed: I want to have sex tonight. How can we make that work?
    On-line, psychology today use to have some handouts on high drive /low drive relationships.
    A sex therapist would tackle this issue head on, so it may be worth finding a high quality sex therapist ( in a major metropolitan area likely) . Occasionally these people do online work but it is probably better in person.
    Although very difficult, a key principle for your mental health is to not internalize these messages.
    You are still a productive, in-shape guy that is a very patient husband.
    God bless.
    You could print all of this out and give to her , mostly so she sees clearly how you feel about it ( rejected, unattractive).
     
  4. Yngtex

    Yngtex New Member

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    Thanks so much for your replies. It's so helpful to talk to other Christians about this. It's such a struggle for me. I feel that my walk with the Lord is the best that it's ever been, but this area of my life and marriage is so difficult. I do have desires and thoughts that are not godly, so I am dealing with that as well. I think that expressing these and confessing these is therapeutic for me. I don't really know what to do except for be patient and keep faith that God will help work it out. I am praying for it and also working on my own personal issues. I need to learn to cherish her more, love her the way that she wants to be loved (not physically). Maybe one day she will open up and let me in. In the meantime, I guess that I will keep masterbating every so often (sorry if that offends), but only thinking about my wife when I fantasize. It's just so hard to keep my thoughts pure when I have such unChristian fantasies. Thanks for your support and any prayers that you can give me. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more.
     
  5. Mudinyeri

    Mudinyeri Well-Known Member

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    First, I cannot imagine ... 6-8 weeks and now seven months?

    Second, you didn't mention the reason(s) for your counseling but they likely have a fairly direct link to her apparently low sex drive.

    Third, you mentioned being in relatively good physical condition. Has your wife seen a doctor recently? Is she taking any prescription medications?

    Finally, does your wife know that you masturbate? Does she know that you fantasize about her when doing so? Knowing that and, potentially, seeing that might have a positive effect on her libido.
     
  6. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    How long have the two of you been going through counseling, Yngtex? Is it possible that things are being brought up there that she's having to process and deal with?
     
  7. Yngtex

    Yngtex New Member

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    I'm new at this forum, so not sure how it works. I just replied to you post. Not sure if it goes into public or not, but oh well.

    yes, 7 months since any sexual contact. I bet we only had sex 3-4 times in all of 2015 and haven't this year at all.

    yes, reasons for counseling are related to her low sex drive, but she had a low sex drive even when things were great in marriage before kids. The most we would ever have sex would be once every 2 weeks or so. I wanted it every day, but she didn't. I stopped trying after a year or so because I was tired of being rejected. We would only have if she initiated.

    She hasn't seen a doctor and doesn't really want to about it.

    no, she doesn't know that I masterbate. She has told me numerous times that she thinks men masterbating is juvenile and makes her think of me as a teenage boy.
     
  8. Yngtex

    Yngtex New Member

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    we have gone to counseling on an off for 6 years. yes, she is dealing with lots and having to process. thanks for listening and asking me questions, it helps. are you married?
     
  9. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    Yes.....I've been married for over 25 years, and it seems to me that when a person gets about the age of your wife and you (at least in my experience) they begin to look at life, in general, a bit differently. I think patience and compassion are key right now.
     
  10. LinkH

    LinkH Regular Member

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    Yngtex,
    Do you try to initiate? Have you had a conversation with her in which you told her that her refusing you like this is not acceptable to you? Have you pointed out that she is sinning?
     
  11. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    Pressuring and coercion (guilting her by suggesting she's "sinning" or suggesting you are angry about her lack of drive).....will only drive her further away (probably emotionally AND physically). Please don't go that route.

    It's better for things to be worked on from the inside out (and at her pace). I don't know *anyone* that sincerely responds to mental coercion. It's far better for a marriage to be based on a genuine sincerity.

    An example of what happens when one is coerced (which is marital rape):

    http://www.ashleyeaster.com/blog/coercive-sex-in-marriage-her-story
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2016
  12. LinkH

    LinkH Regular Member

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    No, depending on the situation, the one spouse confronting the refusing spouse with his/her sin is the right thing to do. Jesus even commanded one-on-one confrontation as a first step in Matthew 18 when one sins against another.

    I don't expect a wife who has been denying her spouse to suddenly agree to have sex because her husband points out that it is sin. But it is possible that after being confronted like this, the other spouse will think about it and repent.

    If she repents, and chooses to meet her husband's needs finally after all this time, that is not 'coercion.'

    Now, if someone grabs a strange woman off the street and threatens her with a pistol or threatens to blow up her aging parent's nursing home if she doesn't have sex with him, that is coercion.

    And telling women that they are being raped by husbands who have had a talk with them about how it is wrong to deny sex for a year is not rape may be a way to mess with a woman's mind in a bad way and cause some serious problems in a marriage relationship. It works the other way, too, of course. If a man isn't having sex with his wife for some extended period of time, she should have a talk with him about it. Btw, I read that the first person the first church started in the colony of Boston ever disciplined was disciplined for sexually defrauding his wife.

    I am assuming here she doesn't have some serious medical condition. It sounds like she's just not interested and not responsible to care about his interests.

    My guess is you will say that a marriage with this problem has some deeper issues than just sex. It just might. But the problem might be mainly about sex, a wife who is being selfish and unloving, but exclusively or mainly in the area of sex. She may need to deal with that one specific area. Or there could be unforgiveness and resentment or any number of other issues.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  13. Paidiske

    Paidiske Bodily member Staff Member Purple Team - Moderator Supporter Staff on LOA

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    But Link, if "there could be any number of other issues," as you yourself just typed, why go straight for, "have you pointed out that she is sinning"?

    You don't know that she's sinning. She might be. But you don't know the whole situation. So why go straight for the accusatory option?

    Do you even understand the concept of spiritual abuse? Because while one spouse pointing out that the other is sinning isn't necessarily abusive, accusations of sin are often part of an attempt to control the other, which is abusive.
     
  14. LinkH

    LinkH Regular Member

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    Paidiske,

    I suppose the author could have left out a part about a pelvis crushed in an accident, or could have refrained from initiating or there could be many other factors, in which case my post would not be applicable. That doesn't appear to be the case.
     
  15. Mudinyeri

    Mudinyeri Well-Known Member

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    ^Herein lies the problem.

    I obviously don't know you or her well enough to speak absolutely, but I would bet a dollar that it's one of three things:

    1. She is having or has had an affair.
    2. She was raped or sexually abused.
    3. She is using sex as some sort of leverage.

    In any case, she needs to face the realities of abandoning you. A man with no sexual outlet is not a good thing.
     
  16. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    .....and neither is it "a good thing" for a woman to be pressured and guilted into sex (especially using the Bible to do so! Like Paidiske mentioned earlier...that's adding in a whole other variety of abuse into the mix).

    Sex is (what I believe, anyway) meant to be a mutual expression of love. It's not something one spouse demands or obligates the other for. That's loving "pleasure" more than the other person (or even God....as in 2nd Timothy 3:4). I believe that is a "sin" in itself. The OP seems to have a much more generous attitude than a lot of people that are responding....I'm hoping that doesn't influence his attitude negatively.
     
  17. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    That's a limited example (and understanding) of coercion.
     
  18. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    Maybe you missed this:

     
  19. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    7 months?!? I feel like I am dying just after a few days of no sex. For us its about every week or two, usually two. To be honest if you are going 7 months at a time its great that you haven't turned to "other" methods (cheating, porn...etc) to feel fulfilled. God bless you on that.

    I never cared for the argument of blaming the MB. You wouldn't be MB if you had a normal sex life to begin with. Not that you are trying to point the finger at her for it, but none the less there are actions from everything we do/don't do in a marriage. Lack of sex can lead to many paths, such as I said like cheating, porn and so on. Sex is important in marriage, its not the everything in it, but its still part of it.

    Seems suspicious. Obviously it can be any number of things. Maybe shes talking to another man. Maybe shes having pain and doesn't talk about it. Maybe some past childhood trauma. But whatever the case she needs to get help for it. Unless of course its something unfixable, in that case your kind of stuck having to live with very limited sex.

    Your bodies belong to each other. So unless theres a reasonable excuse as to why she doesn't want sex then shes denying you it. You two should talk to a pastor. Most people think a pastor won't talk about sex but most I've met have no problem with the issue. Sex is in the bible. A pastor can help. At least with the non-medical stuff.

    Just realized you said shes been doing counseling for 6 years on and off. Well thats a good thing at least. You said shes dealing with alot. If you don't mind me asking what else is she dealing with? Maybe its why shes almost unapproachable about sex now.
     
  20. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    I cannot imagine going to therapy on and off for 6 years and not knowing what the problem is and how to get better.


    I do not know about all men but going 3-7 months every year without sex is going to result in some very serious marital problems and the problems maybe severe enough to break the marriage. Maybe the OP is a very unusual man and I take my hat off to him for enduring the last 7 months without his wife considering him in his sexual needs and other intimate needs.


    Maybe she has got a very good reason for starving him for sex so I am just saying that in many cases their incompatible sex situation will result in permanent damage in some areas of marriage. IMO
     
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