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No sex for 7 months

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Yngtex, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. favoritetoyisjoy

    favoritetoyisjoy Regular Member

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    "My wife and I are both Christians, we love the Lord with all of our hearts. ...we deeply care for each other. We [are]...in pretty good shape."

    All good things. Hopefully, the comment "we deeply care for each other" indicates that things between you are good or even great except for the low sex drive. If so, this is extremely rare, since men very rarely, IME almost never, report low sexual frequency unless there are other symptoms of relationship problems. Such as tangible/regular evidence of disrespect, being inconsiderate, chronic nagging, absence of even non-sexual affection, lack of emotional support, indifference, disregard, excuses against spending quality time together, and so on.

    In one case, a wife had a low drive due to a physical issue, but none of the indicators of relationship problems were there. She also used other methods to give her husband release, which you could probably call "due benevolence", or if some prefer, "benevolence". Where there really is a genuine, loving heart attitude, benevolence, good will, and strong intentions, there is much more often than not a viable way through it, together. Even though the guy was frustrated at times, he was able to see the situation as legitimate due to her consistently loving manner toward him, and an unfortunate case of "for better or worse", and was able to normalize.

    Practically anything about infrequent sex is understandable and/or workable (by my definition) if the marriage relationship is otherwise, or even just adequately, healthy.

    IMO, men would get resolution much more often and much more successfully if they would focus on the relationship in an overall sense rather than so much focus on the single aspect of low frequency. For most of us, the shortcut to great sex is a great relationship, and almost never the other way around. This would include some honest self-examination and concrete effort to improve where necessary, just as men want their wives to do. It's not that hard, if things in the relationship are good it'll be easily detectable that it is.

    "The sex is great when we have it, I make sure that I satisfy her multiple times..."

    When I read this comment I thought, "Where is the legitimate mental or physical handicap in this"? Does this comment describe the last time you were intimate? Or in 2015? And as usual, the truth can be stranger than fiction, and no doubt someone will further enlighten me with plausibility on that. Certainly there is the recognition of pre-existing low sex drive, which is defined as 6-8 week frequency (as little as 2-3 weeks initially), so that perhaps would be the best status quo expectation possible, and it's understandable and normal that frequency would decrease somewhat, but 7+ months and counting?

    Men who complain about low frequency don't usually describe sex as "great", it's more often described as pretty much one-sided. The wife having an orgasm isn't very typical, but "great sex" and multiple orgasms?

    In post #1, you say "We are in counselling, but it's for other things, not sex." In post #7 you say "yes, reasons for counseling are related to her low sex drive..." Which is it? Isn't low sex drive about sex? Or did you mean the physical act itself? After 6 years of "on and off" counselling, I don't understand why there is little or no apparent understanding of the cause, at least not any that you expressed.

    I can't get everything here to add up, but if you would like to continue discussion and cut down on speculation, theorizing, and possibly receive better advice, you might indicate to us what your wife's side of the story is in the same detail as you have your own.
     
  2. toLiJC

    toLiJC Senior Member

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    the Lord, Jesus Christ, did not in vain say "either make the tree good or you will make it bad", because here is how the modern system of human religion holds people in conditions of stirring up an irresistible sex drive in them, but defiles the sex at the same time, and they turn out to be both sexually aroused and sexually hurt, i mean the world spiritual iniquity standing in the holy place that brings desolation/disorder/mess to their lives - there is a lack of normalization, it is right that either people be sexually active in the normal way, or sexually inactive in the normal way - the perfect normalization is in the One Who is really the true God

    Blessings
     
  3. RedPonyDriver

    RedPonyDriver Professional Pot Stirrer

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    Oh gee...
    First of all...I can sort of understand the whole we haven't had sex thing. BUT...sex is not the end-all or be-all of a marriage. Mr. RPD and I went for almost 2 years while he was so sick.

    Second...telling your wife she is "sinning" will blow up in your face faster than you can blink.

    Third...if after 6 years of therapy there's been no improvement, then one of two things are happening. Either the therapist is lousy or she has no desire to change. I highly recommend finding a Celebrate Recovery group for you two. Join a step study. Get yourself straight in your head and with God...
     
  4. Krissy Cakes

    Krissy Cakes Well-Known Member Supporter

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    You sound like my husband and I. Even tho we are younger. (I'm 25 and hes 27) We don't have sex often but thats cause of my past trauma. I don't have advice but I'll be praying. :prayer:
     
  5. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    I do not find that unusual at all. Have you ever heard that great phrase: "I love you but wish sex would just go away?"

    Just wait until she says "I went 10 years with nothing before we got married; and I can go another 10 starting RIGHT NOW."
     
  6. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    He is sinning as well. Not having sex enough to satisfy both partners is falling short of God's glory. According to Rom 3.23 that is sin. They are BOTH sinning.
     
  7. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    You are young enough to fix it. I suggest you find a way to do that.
     
  8. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    I have heard marriage counselors say that a good healthy sex life is about 10% of a healthy marriage. A bad sex life can be 70-80%.
     
  9. Yngtex

    Yngtex New Member

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    Thanks for your response and words. I am not telling her that she is sinning, no way. I know better than that. There are trust issues, her past trauma (not horrible, but guys forcing her to do things), and financial stress and job stuff that is weighing on her. I just have needs and sexual desires that I have even when things are stressful. It's a release and connection for me to have sex. I am also worried that my mind wanders to fantasies and things that I shouldn't be thinking about. I pray as much as I can, but sometimes the desires get to me, especially when I travel.
     
  10. Yngtex

    Yngtex New Member

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    She has said before that if she never has sex again in her whole life, she would be fine. That's not the best thing to hear after 2 years of marriage (we have been married 20 now).
     
  11. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    Yeah - I heard that with the exception of when it was time to get pregnant. And that was within the first couple months of marriage. We are still together 38 years later.
     
  12. 98cwitr

    98cwitr Lord forgive me Staff Member Red Team - Moderator Supporter

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    Do you feel you're able to talk with your wife openly and honestly without fear of judgement or repercussion about your feelings? Are you aware of her sexual activity prior to you two getting together?
     
  13. turkle

    turkle Blessed

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    What's not being discussed is the issue of closeness. Generally speaking, men primarily express intimacy through sex, while women primarily express it through affection and service. You say that you have a good marriage, which is great. How does your wife express her love to you? You say she's not touchy feely, which is interesting... even women with low sex drive like to be cuddled. Has she avoided all physical contact with you over the years?

    I ask this because if she is able to express herself to you in her way, but not allowing you to express yourself in your way, it might be a way to open dialogue. Our culture is all about vulgarity and treating sex as a form of entertainment instead of the ultimate closeness that God intended for a married couple. What does she say when you tell her that making love is the most intimate and sacred way you are able to show her how much you love her? Would she still turn away?

    You mentioned that she has some kind of past trauma that affects her response to you, but surely after 20 years, she knows that she can trust you. I think that in counseling it would be wise to bring up the fact that you are feeling sad and rejected because of your lack of intimacy. She may not want to talk about it (no doubt because she feels guilty and inadequate), but for the health of your relationship, I believe the conversation must be had. The Lord gave this gift to married couples to give us a glimpse of the union between Christ and the Church. It is always giving, not holding back. While I would not be forceful in insisting on the discussion, I would approach it as something that is really important to you to talk about. I would hope that out of her love for you she would gradually address the subject, and hopefully you can find a solution.
     
  14. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    That was the running theory in the 1960s. It has since been disproved. There is no "primary" way for either gender to express or receive intimacy.

    iow, Everyone is different.
     
  15. turkle

    turkle Blessed

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    Of course everyone is difference. That's why I said "generally speaking".

    But that is not the point of the post.
     
  16. Mudinyeri

    Mudinyeri Well-Known Member

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    I've never heard that phrase and I hope to go the rest of my life without hearing it. My wife and I have been married 24 years today. Sex has never been better.

    FWIW, in relation to this thread, I do find the more I "speak" to my wife in her love language(s), the better things are. Perhaps that's a place for the OP to start ... unless I'm right about the reasons his wife doesn't want to have sex.
     
  17. Nicole T

    Nicole T Newbie

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    I am no expert, but I can tell you two things from a woman's perspective that seem to be universal: sex drive is directly related to emotional intimacy for a woman in a monogamous relationship and early 40s is the time of both highest sex drive and highest frustration for a married woman.

    My guess is, despite multiple orgasms, she is not feeling emotionally intimate wit you.
     
  18. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    Yeah we tried that route. My wife and I went thru the "love language" books and workbooks. She has no love language. They did say in the foot notes that it happens that way sometimes.
     
  19. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    Ah! you have not lived until you hear that at age 22 and get a picture what the rest of your life is going to be like.
     
  20. Mudinyeri

    Mudinyeri Well-Known Member

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    Interesting. Quite the puzzle to solve. Were you married at age 22 when you heard that "no sex" phrase?
     
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