Reading through this has been really interesting, and has caused me to reflect a lot.
Of course, placing God as a priority is most important. Beyond that, the one thing that is a deal-breaker for me is sharing core principles and having a strong alignment on major values. For me, being on the same page when it comes to important life matters and ethical beliefs is the most important thing in a relationship. I believe when both partners have a solid foundation of shared values, it creates a sense of unity and understanding that strengthens the relationship over time. There's a trust built within that and a security in knowing that if something major occurs, your both at least on the same page from the start.
Second most important deal-breaker, is style of communication. Personally, I tend to be quite upfront and straightforward in my communication style. It might seem like a no-brainer, but perhaps surprisingly to some, it's not usually the norm. My friends often view me as confident due to this directness, even when I'm discussing my own insecurities. For me, it's essential to be with someone who has the confidence to communicate openly, honestly, and directly. I believe when both partners can express themselves without beating around the bush, it leads to better understanding and stronger connection. You can avoid mixed signals, and misunderstandings become much less common when communication is clear and transparent. On the flip side, being with someone who struggles to communicate straightforwardly, I feel, only leads to frustration and confusion. So, finding someone who shares this style of communication is a key factor in building a strong and harmonious relationship for me.
I can handle a lot of oddities in relationships, but if we don't have a strong moral/ethical foundation or we're not able to communicate directly and honestly, then I know it's not going to work out for the long haul. And for me, if we're not trying to go the distance, what are we even doing?
Something that's also on my radar, although it seems like a smaller point, is how we approach the idea of a wedding. It's not so much about the event itself, but more about how we handle the process. I've added this to my list because two people who are very close to me married into affluent families, and as their maid of honor... I couldn't even. I just couldn't. Brain on fire. Just... Why? I never had those grand 'dream wedding' expectations, but seeing their experiences left me with a lot to think about. Both of them were forced into having a certain type of wedding that was dictated by their spouses' families, and unfortunately, those events turned out to be nothing but distress for them which snowballed into much deeper issues. Their marriages haven't been smooth sailing, and how they approached their wedding was a clear indicator of a lot of the issues they're having right now.
To me, the way my partner and I navigate the wedding situation speaks volumes about larger dynamics in our relationship. Their families having traditions or suggestions is one thing, and I'm open to accommodating that. However, if my partner allows their family to take control or feels compelled to spend exorbitant amounts of money just to impress people, it's a no from me. While I don't have a concrete vision for my own wedding, because I've never really looked into it for myself and only have witnessed experience on it, I do know that I'm comfortable with something as simple as a backyard BBQ at most. I don't care if it's 'tacky', what's most important to me is not squandering our hard-earned golds, creating unnecessary stress, and sacrificing our happiness for a showy party that's supposed to somehow demonstrate our commitment to each other. It just doesn't make sense to me. I find it wasteful and anxiety-inducing, and I'm not willing to do it. And if our family and friends have issues with it, that's their choice to make.
What was then, "I didn't want this for our wedding, but X's mom wanted this, and X's dad wanted this. So we had to do it." has turned into, "I have to do this even though I don't want to, because X's mom wants this and X's dad wants this, and now I'm miserable and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm trapped and angry. Now we're just at each others throats all the time because we can't stand each others existence." No. Absolutely not.
Our lives. Our choices. We make them together, or we don't make them at all.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
