- Mar 14, 2018
- 374
- 263
- 55
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Single
Hi, how are you? I really do have lots of questions.
Growing up, first of all, I was emotionally abused daily. I was called stupid, loser, sob, worthless and dealt with my "father's" scorn daily. At 7 years old, after being blamed for pipes that were bad, I actually fantasized about hurting myself to appease my "father". My needs were never met. My family took my to fire and brimstone churches where God was seen as this jerk who seemed to enjoy frying people for sin. Love was taught as something you got if you behaved and were a robot. Feelings weren't allowed and if you got them, you were yelled at for having them. Get saved or go to hell was the refrain. I never hurt myself, but found out in my teens I had three ulcers when I was younger (scar tissue on my stomach). Mom loved me, but dad hated me. I was a sensitive child so it hurt even worse. My dad also kept my from friends at a young age (so he wouldn't be found out). I was beat a few times for no reason.
I learned to totally stuff my emotions with food then sex. I was suicidally depressed from 16-18 and generally depressed afterwards. I'm Bipolar and remember my first stone high from it at 13-14. Sex just made Bipolar better. Never got married. I had no trust. No, I didn't sleep with everyone in the neighborhood. AIDS was why.
Got saved at 24. God wouldn't leave me alone. I actually got saved way younger at 6 because the one church taught God had a plan and I figured her would rescue me from my nightmare. He didn't. It didn't stick. The first six months of being saved was great. I actually felt loved for the first time in life. I had no idea what it was and it felt good. Got the Holy Spirit and it was okay for a season then became a nightmare. Nothing I ever did was good enough for God. He nitpicked and made my life miserable. Finally, at 42, I said, "God all you do is make me feel bad about myself so get lost." He actually left. The heaviness lifted.
Finally, at 46, I got the right medication and all the questions. Got saved again at 45. But, the nightmare that was Christianity haunted me. God loves everybody, big deal. But, about six months ago, I was asked a question: Does God like me? No, it doesn't seem like it at all. I really don't know if God likes me, and if he did or does, why the nightmare? I told him, "You're my refuge? When exactly were you a refuge? Really, when? I was scared of you for 25 years. So, where was this refuge? I actually put up with you for 24 years too long. I hear this loving God and it was constant nitpicking of me."
I have simply collapsed under the weight of it all. Perfection, which I no longer care about (God, you saved me, deal with all my faults, or simply get lost, pal). I haven't felt God's love since being saved at 24. I told him, "why don't I get it like others do? Your preachers preached all that fire and brimstone crap. You seemed to be fine with it. You never said anything different."
Does he like me? Why don't I ever feel any love from him?
Growing up, first of all, I was emotionally abused daily. I was called stupid, loser, sob, worthless and dealt with my "father's" scorn daily. At 7 years old, after being blamed for pipes that were bad, I actually fantasized about hurting myself to appease my "father". My needs were never met. My family took my to fire and brimstone churches where God was seen as this jerk who seemed to enjoy frying people for sin. Love was taught as something you got if you behaved and were a robot. Feelings weren't allowed and if you got them, you were yelled at for having them. Get saved or go to hell was the refrain. I never hurt myself, but found out in my teens I had three ulcers when I was younger (scar tissue on my stomach). Mom loved me, but dad hated me. I was a sensitive child so it hurt even worse. My dad also kept my from friends at a young age (so he wouldn't be found out). I was beat a few times for no reason.
I learned to totally stuff my emotions with food then sex. I was suicidally depressed from 16-18 and generally depressed afterwards. I'm Bipolar and remember my first stone high from it at 13-14. Sex just made Bipolar better. Never got married. I had no trust. No, I didn't sleep with everyone in the neighborhood. AIDS was why.
Got saved at 24. God wouldn't leave me alone. I actually got saved way younger at 6 because the one church taught God had a plan and I figured her would rescue me from my nightmare. He didn't. It didn't stick. The first six months of being saved was great. I actually felt loved for the first time in life. I had no idea what it was and it felt good. Got the Holy Spirit and it was okay for a season then became a nightmare. Nothing I ever did was good enough for God. He nitpicked and made my life miserable. Finally, at 42, I said, "God all you do is make me feel bad about myself so get lost." He actually left. The heaviness lifted.
Finally, at 46, I got the right medication and all the questions. Got saved again at 45. But, the nightmare that was Christianity haunted me. God loves everybody, big deal. But, about six months ago, I was asked a question: Does God like me? No, it doesn't seem like it at all. I really don't know if God likes me, and if he did or does, why the nightmare? I told him, "You're my refuge? When exactly were you a refuge? Really, when? I was scared of you for 25 years. So, where was this refuge? I actually put up with you for 24 years too long. I hear this loving God and it was constant nitpicking of me."
I have simply collapsed under the weight of it all. Perfection, which I no longer care about (God, you saved me, deal with all my faults, or simply get lost, pal). I haven't felt God's love since being saved at 24. I told him, "why don't I get it like others do? Your preachers preached all that fire and brimstone crap. You seemed to be fine with it. You never said anything different."
Does he like me? Why don't I ever feel any love from him?