Stop that, King Grim. He's just trying to be honest, here. And it sounds like you are just mocking someone who sincerely wants to improve their faith and is having a difficult time of it. (And I would say this whether that faith is Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or otherwise; not just being partial because I am a believer in Christ, too. A man has a right to believe what he chooses when he means no harm to anyone else with it.)
I'm not mocking him or at least not intentionally.
I understand he wants to improve his faith. But he seems to think that God is torturing him and hard. And he's taking this all as his fault. His trying to lift a boulder that he isn't even pinned under. He feels like his soul is being crushed and he's to blame. That's concerning.
As someone who has had similar issues in the past I'm trying my best to be empathetic. My best advice is literally blank your mind. Create a happy place filled with the positive things you love about yourself. You can recite these negative mantra like descriptions of yourself and convince yourself you're somehow a vile piece of scum. Then guess what you can certainly do the opposite.
You sound like a bright kid and I'm guessing you do art. If not, then adopt a form of expression. Start writing, drawing, sing to yourself. Stop keeping these feelings inside of you. They're dying to be expressed in some way. You'd be surprised how beautiful pain can be.
Look at something I've drawn (I'm not the best, but serviceable lol)
Get someone to talk to, not a forum of people on the interwebs (because you're gonna run into me x1000) and we're gone when you log off. I mean a real person you trust.
I'm telling you this because you sound 100% like me about a 8 years ago. I caged up everything and thought I was wretched and deserved hell, disgusted with myself for no real reason. It drove me crazy. I don't like hearing about people feeling that way. So I give them the same advice I gave myself. It worked.
Be the hero you need. And before I get accused of it, I'm not trying to lead you away from God. I'm trying to lead you to that intrinsic happiness; the love for ourselves we all seek.