Needing help but can't get it

[secretshadows618]

Self harm has been a part of my life off and on since I was 13... Right now I'm 16 soon to be 17. I've struggled with many other self destructive habits during that time period as well but what brings me to this form today is I've slipped up bad this time.

I know I cut myself because its the only thing i feel in control of but I'm no longer in control. It has now consumed me and I can't stop. I need advice. I need prayers.

I also know I need help. I know I can't get over this on my own. I throw away my "tools" in an effort to quit and i just end up getting ahold of another one because I just can't stay away. Getting help is not an option for me until I'm 18. I live with my mother and lets just say going to her would do nothing seeing as shes not only an alcoholic but a drug addict as well.

What do I do? How do I stop? I don't want to die but i fear that my bad mindset will take over and I'll go too far... I've already had to come up with stories for cuts that needed stitches because i pushed things too far.

If anything kind words and prayers will do wonders. Thanks for taking the time to read my rant.



thanks,
secretshadows

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hi secretshadows - welcome to Christian Forums . It sounds like you're going through a really rough part of life at the moment and I'm definitely praying for you (and sending hugs)!!. I know you mentioned getting help isn't an option, but what if it was help for things other than SI? You mentioned your mother drinks and does drugs and that must really take its toll on you - have you thought of joining a group like Alateen or even talking to your school counsellor about what's stressing you at home? As well, it might be worth having a look at both the Things you can do to de-escalate and divert an emergency sticky and the Hotlines sticky, both found in the Self-Injury Support forum. I reasonably sure Teen Hope Line offers online support with a counsellor if you need it (and if you're in America).

As well, we've got the How long since you've last self-injured and the Post here when you feel like cutting threads to let us know how you're doing and to get you some support (just a warning though, the SI forum is pretty slow at the moment).

Hope you're doing ok today,
Steffi

 

[secretshadows618]

I know you mentioned getting help isn't an option, but what if it was help for things other than SI? You mentioned your mother drinks and does drugs and that must really take its toll on you - have you thought of joining a group like Alateen or even talking to your school counsellor about what's stressing you at home?

Thanks Steffi...

The drinking and the drugs I'm used to now. Yeah, it affects me but its just become a part of life. Something thats always there. I can see someone light up in front of me and not even blink or think its wrong just because its always been there. Its awful but thats just the way it is. I was actually apart of an alateen group for a while. I'd say a good six months or so but then we lost our sponsers and the group broke apart. As far as I know the group has never been put back together. That group was in town... I have no way of getting to a group out side of town. I haven't been to an alateen group in over 2 years though.

I can't speak to a school councelor because I'm homeschooled. This is a pretty recent change though. Most of my life I've been in public school but in feburary I withdrew from public school for a variety of reasons.

However... I'm working on ways to deal with the temptation. Friday I bought a bike and today when I was tempted I went and road for 2 hours straight. I blew off steam.

I'm trying hard to gain back control over my life... its just difficult.

I'll take a look at those other forums you pointed out to me as well.

Thanks again
secretshadows

 

[Criada]

It sounds as though you are doing all the right things, sweetie.
Wanting to stop is a huge step in itself!
Bike riding.. or any physical exercise is a great way to deal with times when the temptation is hard to deal with. I find that going somewhere public can help too.. a library or shopping mall, anywhere where there are people around.
Take it one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself, sweetie.. if you can access any counseling it would probably help a lot... it sounds as though you have a lot to cope with.
I am praying for you.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I agree with Criada - the bike's a great idea! (Actually, I do the same thing when I get stressed and/or need to blow off steam).

In terms of alateen, would it be possible to contact your local mental health group and see if they'd know how to organise some sort of sponsorship so you could get thr group back together? I really believe you when you say that the alcohol/drugs are just a part of life now, but that doesn't mean they don't affect you every day .

Congrats again on the bike idea - it really sounds like you're taking the right steps here .

 

[secretshadows618]

It sounds as though you are doing all the right things, sweetie.
Wanting to stop is a huge step in itself!
Bike riding.. or any physical exercise is a great way to deal with times when the temptation is hard to deal with. I find that going somewhere public can help too.. a library or shopping mall, anywhere where there are people around.
Take it one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself, sweetie.. if you can access any counseling it would probably help a lot... it sounds as though you have a lot to cope with.
I am praying for you.

I know trying is great step but i've always told myself to not try just do. This time that isn't enough. This time I am putting a lot of effort into it and I just can't "do" this time. I feel like I'm failing horribly. I get angry with myself a lot. I get angry at how weak I am. I don't really know how to be gentle with myself.

Being around people aggravates the heck out of me sometimes. I know that sounds harsh... a better way to put it is that once i'm alone I want to be with someone but once I'm with people I want to be alone. I try hard to surround myself with people. To not stay so secluded. I've already told my best friend that if I say I want to be left alone, to just ignore me and drag my butt out of the house.

The problem with counseling is that as a minor I have to have parental consent to speak to a counselor. I have about 13 months before I can freely speak to one. I'm doing what I can to speak to some adults at my church that I feel comfortable with but I'm too ashamed to tell them about my self harm issues. They speak so highly of me and are so proud of me I don't want to let them down with that bit of information.


Thank you so much for your kind words Criada. You've helped me a lot.


secretshadows

 

[Jeshu]

Self harm has been a part of my life off and on since I was 13... Right now I'm 16 soon to be 17. I've struggled with many other self destructive habits during that time period as well but what brings me to this form today is I've slipped up bad this time.

I know I cut myself because its the only thing i feel in control of but I'm no longer in control. It has now consumed me and I can't stop. I need advice. I need prayers.

I also know I need help. I know I can't get over this on my own. I throw away my "tools" in an effort to quit and i just end up getting ahold of another one because I just can't stay away. Getting help is not an option for me until I'm 18. I live with my mother and lets just say going to her would do nothing seeing as shes not only an alcoholic but a drug addict as well.

What do I do? How do I stop? I don't want to die but i fear that my bad mindset will take over and I'll go too far... I've already had to come up with stories for cuts that needed stitches because i pushed things too far.

If anything kind words and prayers will do wonders. Thanks for taking the time to read my rant.



thanks,
secretshadows

Dear friend you can throw away your tools, bind your hands, or whatever else you might think will help you stop you from being who you have become, however, I for one, would be very surprised if you make it that way.

My advise is to let the love of God, which surpasses all understanding, fill your life and learn to love and appreciate yourself, regardless of you have been 'good' or 'bad!' Please understand that only God's loving GRACE inside helps us away from sin, not your own efforts at doing good!

To love God and neighbour as self is the golden rule, this means that God is first and with His love, love YOU, for otherwise you can't love your neighbour properly - so keep eating His grace and let no cut or bad thing separate you from His love - keep loving YOU!!!

When you know and understand that only God's love growing within you will separate you from your need to harm yourself in The End, your freedom will be in sight. So don't let His love for you go, even when you fall deep, especially then even, for love covers over 'sin' like a blanket and will set you free, even though this may take a few years to full materialise, untangling you out of Satan's web of deceit and saving you from harming yourself.

Be greatly blessed!

 

[I'ddie4him2]

One scripture comes to mind when reading your post.

Philippians 4, verse 13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I was a cutter for years and addicted to drugs and alcohol, They controlled my life for a long time.
I set my mind to overcome them, With God's grace and love, I was able to leave these vices behind me.

Self harm is very hard to quit once we start. It feels like it gives us control over something. You are a wise young lady to see that you are losing control. That is a big step in quitting this destructive habit.

Do you have any other family members you can go to and be open about this ?? It may help you a bit to talk about it honestly with someone.
Keep us posted.

Self harm has been a part of my life off and on since I was 13... Right now I'm 16 soon to be 17. I've struggled with many other self destructive habits during that time period as well but what brings me to this form today is I've slipped up bad this time.

I know I cut myself because its the only thing i feel in control of but I'm no longer in control. It has now consumed me and I can't stop. I need advice. I need prayers.

I also know I need help. I know I can't get over this on my own. I throw away my "tools" in an effort to quit and i just end up getting ahold of another one because I just can't stay away. Getting help is not an option for me until I'm 18. I live with my mother and lets just say going to her would do nothing seeing as shes not only an alcoholic but a drug addict as well.

What do I do? How do I stop? I don't want to die but i fear that my bad mindset will take over and I'll go too far... I've already had to come up with stories for cuts that needed stitches because i pushed things too far.

If anything kind words and prayers will do wonders. Thanks for taking the time to read my rant.



thanks,
secretshadows

 

[secretshadows618]

Dear friend you can throw away your tools, bind your hands, or whatever else you might think will help you stop you from being who you have become, however, I for one, would be very surprised if you make it that way.

My advise is to let the love of God, which surpasses all understanding, fill your life and learn to love and appreciate yourself, regardless of you have been 'good' or 'bad!' Please understand that only God's loving GRACE inside helps us away from sin, not your own efforts at doing good!

To love God and neighbour as self is the golden rule, this means that God is first and with His love, love YOU, for otherwise you can't love your neighbour properly - so keep eating His grace and let no cut or bad thing separate you from His love - keep loving YOU!!!

When you know and understand that only God's love growing within you will separate you from your need to harm yourself in The End, your freedom will be in sight. So don't let His love for you go, even when you fall deep, especially then even, for love covers over 'sin' like a blanket and will set you free, even though this may take a few years to full materialise, untangling you out of Satan's web of deceit and saving you from harming yourself.

Be greatly blessed!

I have no problem in loving others. In fact its the only thing I can do right in my life. My best friend says I love those who don't deserve it. (an example is the very people that sexually abused me) I don't have an issue in loving other peole. Now loving myself... thats an odd concept. I don't love myself. I guess thats obvious with the way i treat my body. I see myself us unlovable and unworthy of love.

 

[secretshadows618]

One scripture comes to mind when reading your post.

Philippians 4, verse 13


I was a cutter for years and addicted to drugs and alcohol, They controlled my life for a long time.
I set my mind to overcome them, With God's grace and love, I was able to leave these vices behind me.

Self harm is very hard to quit once we start. It feels like it gives us control over something. You are a wise young lady to see that you are losing control. That is a big step in quitting this destructive habit.

Do you have any other family members you can go to and be open about this ?? It may help you a bit to talk about it honestly with someone.
Keep us posted.

I'm not really sure who i can trust with this. Its asking way too much out of someone to ask them to keep it to themselves. Plus... my family both immediate and not are dealing with way to much for me to unload this on them. I don't think any of them could keep it to themselves. They'd go to my mother and my mother would lay into me. She wouldn't get me any help. She'd just yell at me for being sick and twisted and probably ground me. I've considered those options. I can't even confide this in my best friend.

secretshadows

 

[icarusforde]

I have no problem in loving others. In fact its the only thing I can do right in my life. My best friend says I love those who don't deserve it. (an example is the very people that sexually abused me) I don't have an issue in loving other peole. Now loving myself... thats an odd concept. I don't love myself. I guess thats obvious with the way i treat my body. I see myself us unlovable and unworthy of love.

Thats an awesome thing to do SS.... Loving others is great.

But loving yourself is something important to do as well - its not just your body you need to love, but your spirit and your personality as well, and in fact, sometimes they are the most important things....

I'm not really sure who i can trust with this. Its asking way too much out of someone to ask them to keep it to themselves. Plus... my family both immediate and not are dealing with way to much for me to unload this on them. I don't think any of them could keep it to themselves. They'd go to my mother and my mother would lay into me. She wouldn't get me any help. She'd just yell at me for being sick and twisted and probably ground me. I've considered those options. I can't even confide this in my best friend.

secretshadows

Secret, any one of us is here for you right now.... We are here to help, and our PM boxes are always open, ok? No matter what, you will never be a bother or anything... remember that. Im always here to talk as well.

Icarus

 

[Jeshu]

I have no problem in loving others. In fact its the only thing I can do right in my life. My best friend says I love those who don't deserve it. (an example is the very people that sexually abused me) I don't have an issue in loving other peole. Now loving myself... thats an odd concept. I don't love myself. I guess thats obvious with the way i treat my body. I see myself us unlovable and unworthy of love.

Dear friend

I know cannot love yourself, as you still have to 'die' to being like that, for being unloving has caused you much harm. Only Christ's love and Father's Grace can get you out of those unloving feelings towards yourself. Trust in Jesus, completely, and not in your own understandings when God's love doesn't rule your heart!

It took me quiet a few years to learn to love myself, like yourself I'm a sexual abuse victim - almost got murdered in the process - which brought me P.T.S.D and I got a severe case of Schizo-affective disorder on top of it all, yet Christ set me free to love God, self and neighbour - so be greatly encouraged.

Accept grace and love God, self and neighbour that works the best. Do it in principle first and seek to act more and more on it, as your love grows. Seek to think in love, act in love, and live for love, and The God of Love will pay you back handsomely - and that is the truth!

In John 14 Jesus says that if we keep His love command, He will come and dwell in our hearts with His Father in Spirit - when He comes you not loving yourself will hurt a lot at first, but in The End you will be jumping up and down from joy - for Salvation is great from every perspective. Though some hardship can be expected beforehand (Read the book of Revelation, for example)

Ask Jesus to give you love for yourself, no matter what a sinner you have been. "Eat grace', God's love will not only delight you, His loving truth will set you free from the power of sin and the god of this world.

About your parents?

The best is to love them and seek to be a benefit to them, this means that you being well is very important so the proper treatment of your condition must stand central, don't risk not getting it! From your perspective you are the most important, for without yourself what have you got left to worry about?

Praise Jesus a lot!


Take good care of yourself friend

 

[secretshadows618]

Thats an awesome thing to do SS.... Loving others is great.

But loving yourself is something important to do as well - its not just your body you need to love, but your spirit and your personality as well, and in fact, sometimes they are the most important things....



Secret, any one of us is here for you right now.... We are here to help, and our PM boxes are always open, ok? No matter what, you will never be a bother or anything... remember that. Im always here to talk as well.

Icarus

I find it hard to love me. Someone so broken and damaged... On the outside I'm together. Everyone sees the pieces in place but they don't see the inside... they don't see how damaged and dirty I am. I've always seen myself as that damaged can or damaged product that you see at the grocery store. The one everyone picks up but then puts back. I'm not for keeps. Why love myself when no one loves me?

 

[icarusforde]

I find it hard to love me. Someone so broken and damaged... On the outside I'm together. Everyone sees the pieces in place but they don't see the inside... they don't see how damaged and dirty I am. I've always seen myself as that damaged can or damaged product that you see at the grocery store. The one everyone picks up but then puts back. I'm not for keeps. Why love myself when no one loves me?

You aint broken and damaged.... You were fearfully and wonderfully made by God - that in itself makes you beautiful, you are a daughter of the most high... And you are for keeps, SS - God keeps you in his hands no matter what, just wrapped in his arms. And about no-one loving you? People love you more than you will ever know - many more people than you will ever think of too.

 

[secretshadows618]

You aint broken and damaged.... You were fearfully and wonderfully made by God - that in itself makes you beautiful, you are a daughter of the most high... And you are for keeps, SS - God keeps you in his hands no matter what, just wrapped in his arms. And about no-one loving you? People love you more than you will ever know - many more people than you will ever think of too.

I don't think I can believe that...

secretshadows

 

[icarusforde]

I don't think I can believe that...

secretshadows

Why not lil one? You know that each and every person on the recovery team is here for you, right? Even the random floaters like me, who have no forum at the moment. We're all here for you, every second.

You're loved SS - by God, by Jesus, by your friends, your church. More people love you than you think....

 

[Jeshu]

I don't think I can believe that...

secretshadows

True nevertheless, The Bible doesn't lie, yet a low self-esteem speaks untruth to our heart and mind all the time!

Jesus got us all saved so we could find true self-worth in Him, and learn to love God, self and other. (1 Tim 4:10) Perfect Love will fix all that has been broken, no matter how severe your case. It is to have faith that He will come and get you out that starts the process.

The Creator of Heaven and Earth loves to help you find true love for yourself, as well the rest.His presence within is eternal bliss, much better than a broken life. Honestly true, Jesus will teach you to have regard for all you are, in both good and bad, He loves you with a perfect love!

A broken life produces so much brokenness, I found, yet a live with Him gets us away from our inner strife and teaches us to love and respect life, even our own. Please do not think your life needs to remain broken, help can be found, faith will grow and love will rescue, such is His work on earth, to save those lost and heal those broken.

Jesus is the very Best!

 

[secretshadows618]

Why not lil one? You know that each and every person on the recovery team is here for you, right? Even the random floaters like me, who have no forum at the moment. We're all here for you, every second.

You're loved SS - by God, by Jesus, by your friends, your church. More people love you than you think....

Not really sure why... I just find it extremly difficult to believe.

 

[icarusforde]

Not really sure why... I just find it extremly difficult to believe.

Whether you believe it or not, people love ya lil one....