Need some help

[truthhopejustice]

I was in love twice. Neither time was anything but love. Not infatuation.

Yes, she would be one in a million. Just as I am. I'm a great guy who deserves the best. But I'm not that picky.

I know many girls who fit the bill for what I am looking for. I've asked them out. They don't like me. God might want me to be alone. I am asking for His help to deliver me from the desire for a relationship.

I do not have a giant laundry list of things I am looking for. Just someone who is a believer and loves God, attractive to me and someone with a good heart that likes children. That would be about half the Christian population from the ages of 18 to about 30. That is too much?

No that sounds good. Actually you could be a little bit more picky haha but thats a good start.

Hmmm I wonder if maybe how you are asking them out could be the problem? I know it's stupid but women get used to being asked out a certain way and if anything is done differently it's so rare that their first thought is "Oh no can I trust this person?" so if you are someone who is out-of-the-box in how you think and do things you may be shooting yourself in the foot without realizing it.

Here are the "rules":

Women want to be asked out by someone they know. ometimes guys can get away with not doing this and some women are ok with not doing it, but the majority prefer this way and will reject even guys they think they might like if they come at them the wrong way. Spend at least a couple months hanging out as just friends. If you get to know their friends that will make them feel safe about you. They will also start noticing things they like about you during this time (if they like you) that will endear you to them. You will become familiar and then they will want to say yes.

Don't move fast. Be light and funny. Be interesting. If you are a deep person it's really hard not to start right off with talking about deep topics but resist this. They will be receptive to that later but not at the beginning stages. Show your playful fun side first. Then gradually introduce other aspects of you and get deeper.

Women take longer than guys to know if they are attracted. She may say no at first then later recant and say yes. Don't ask just once. Ask 3 times and not at the same time, but once then again a month later or so. Don't stalk her of course lol and don't keep asking and nagging her.

Don't ask her out online! Had a friend who did this and kept getting rejected. It shows you don't care enough to even meet her in person. It's not flattering. Don't ask her out over text either or on the phone. Do it in person.

If I think of more I'll let you know but those are the basics.

 

[truthhopejustice]

I have met lots of good, Christian women. But they don't like me, so there's not much I can do at that point. I used to be shy and still am in some ways, but even if I met someone I liked, the chances of her liking me back and being the right age is pretty much impossible.

Awww I'm sorry!! Now you're gonna make me go all emotional on you. That sucks At least know that us girls on the forum care about you (otherwise we wouldnt be trying to help you get to the root of whats going on like this. and I hope you realize we - or at least I - am doing it in love and not trying to be cold. sometimes though our mistakes or misconceptions are the reason we arent seeing results and if that's the case I would want to pin-point that even if it's uncomfortable so that you can change things and find a girl I'm not saying it is your mistake though, in the end only you know that and I'm not trying to judge.

On a more logical note, did you ever ask them why they werent into you? I know that is hard to do, but that may provide some of the knowledge you need in order to crack this code and solve this riddle.

 

[truthhopejustice]

I was in love twice. Neither time was anything but love. Not infatuation.

quote]

Ok but you still didnt explain what happened...or did they not love you back?

 

[Maremma]

Indeed, WHY don't the girls you like, "like you back"? What exactly is it that makes you say that? What is it about you that turns them away? I read through all these posts and feel an anger and a defensiveness about this situation coming from you. Is that true?

 

[defeatedchristian]

I was in love twice. Neither time was anything but love. Not infatuation.

quote]

Ok but you still didnt explain what happened...or did they not love you back?

It's not important. This is now. The one reciprocated, the other did not. Either way, I'm still alone now and it has been may years since then.

 

[defeatedchristian]

Indeed, WHY don't the girls you like, "like you back"? What exactly is it that makes you say that? What is it about you that turns them away? I read through all these posts and feel an anger and a defensiveness about this situation coming from you. Is that true?

How am I defensive? I'm not angry, but I am sad and hurt, which is normal considering my situation.

The fact that they show no interest in me, reject me and refuse to get to know me better or go out with me is why I say that. I can only guess why. It's probably my looks, but there's only so much I can do about that.

 

[truthhopejustice]

How am I defensive? I'm not angry, but I am sad and hurt, which is normal considering my situation.

The fact that they show no interest in me, reject me and refuse to get to know me better or go out with me is why I say that. I can only guess why. It's probably my looks, but there's only so much I can do about that.

Please don't feel sad. If they are being shallow and not giving you a chance be aware most people are like that in these days. Heck I had to sift through many many people just to find one good friend I could count on. Just because these girls treat you this way doesn't mean there arent good girls out there, they are just the very small minority. You have to meet a lot of ppl to find them. Don't give up though.

And honetly if these girls wont even give you a chance it's a good thing you arent marrying one of them! because that marriage wouldnt last long even if it happened. You want someone who will go through the hard times with you and has a great character; someone who can handle the trials and knows whats valuable and what to focus on. At least, if you want a marriage that lasts that is what you are going to need. so don't lament getting turned down by them; it's for the best.

 

[truthhopejustice]

It's probably my looks, but there's only so much I can do about that.

No I can tell you it's not your looks, even though you may be tempted to think that. I bet the enemy wants to attack your self-esteem and make you think this is the reason.

One of my best friends is not what the world would consider attractive at all yet she found a great guy who loves her. It really isn't about looks at all - there is someone for everyone out there. I know someone who is blind who is married and has a great relationship. If the blind and maimed and elderly can find someone then your looks are not the problem LOL

 

[defeatedchristian]

Please don't feel sad. If they are being shallow and not giving you a chance be aware most people are like that in these days. Heck I had to sift through many many people just to find one good friend I could count on. Just because these girls treat you this way doesn't mean there arent good girls out there, they are just the very small minority. You have to meet a lot of ppl to find them. Don't give up though.

And honetly if these girls wont even give you a chance it's a good thing you arent marrying one of them! because that marriage wouldnt last long even if it happened. You want someone who will go through the hard times with you and has a great character; someone who can handle the trials and knows whats valuable and what to focus on. At least, if you want a marriage that lasts that is what you are going to need. so don't lament getting turned down by them; it's for the best.

You're right, I wouldn't want to be married to someone that was not attracted to me. That would be very hurtful. I'm probably shallow too, because I would like to be with someone that I find attractive. So I'm not condemning them for being this way. It just sucks when you're on the short end of the stick. I'll never be able to have what I want, so I'd prefer God to just remove the desire altogether.

A person can only handle so much rejection. At my age, I've had enough. It's easier to just stay home, mind my own business, go online and ignore the outside world, especially women.

 

[truthhopejustice]

At my age, I've had enough. It's easier to just stay home, mind my own business, go online and ignore the outside world, especially women.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Also what have you been doing to meet women; it sounds like maybe you have been discouraged for a long time and havent been putting yourself out there to enable God to work.

 

[defeatedchristian]

No I can tell you it's not your looks, even though you may be tempted to think that. I bet the enemy wants to attack your self-esteem and make you think this is the reason.

One of my best friends is not what the world would consider attractive at all yet she found a great guy who loves her. It really isn't about looks at all - there is someone for everyone out there. I know someone who is blind who is married and has a great relationship. If the blind and maimed and elderly can find someone then your looks are not the problem LOL

I don't have the money, or confidence to get someone I would like. God made me the way I am, I am humble. I know that there are very ugly guys out there who marry very beautiful women sometimes, but they usually have very good jobs, lots of money, expensive cars and a lot of confidence (big egos). That is not me and probably never will be, so I do not have a chance.

It's like the one poster said, I probably am too picky, because I would like to be with someone I actually find attractive. I'm coming to the table and have nothing to offer. It's no surprise that I'm alone and rejected. I have nothing to offer on the outside. The problem is I'm too shallow-minded. I have tried asking out women I am unattracted to, but I feel this is dishonest and mean to them. Is it?

 

[defeatedchristian]

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Also what have you been doing to meet women; it sounds like maybe you have been discouraged for a long time and havent been putting yourself out there to enable God to work.

At the moment, I use the internet. I don't meet anyone at work and don't attend church at this time. I am not the type to approach random women in public, so that is out. The internet has never worked well for me.

Even if I were to meet someone I liked, I would not do anything because I have been turned down too many times already. I am out of their leagues, I know this. I am in my thirties now and will wind up a lonely old man. I do not know how I will live as a "eunuch" for God without falling into severe lust, sexual sin and depression. But God is able to do all things.

 

[truthhopejustice]

I don't have the money, or confidence to get someone I would like. God made me the way I am, I am humble. I know that there are very ugly guys out there who marry very beautiful women sometimes, but they usually have very good jobs, lots of money, expensive cars and a lot of confidence (big egos). That is not me and probably never will be, so I do not have a chance.

It's like the one poster said, I probably am too picky, because I would like to be with someone I actually find attractive. I'm coming to the table and have nothing to offer. It's no surprise that I'm alone and rejected. I have nothing to offer on the outside. The problem is I'm too shallow-minded. I have tried asking out women I am unattracted to, but I feel this is dishonest and mean to them. Is it?

So what kind of woman do you find attractive? You seem to want someone who is a lot more attractive than yourself. It does seem kind of shallow. But then you say you have to be attracted...it makes it sound like your baseline level of attraction is like an 8 or something or you couldn't make love to the woman without feeling sick. If that's actually true it's probably an issue with you and maybe you should see a therapist. Because if the girl is average looking you shouldnt be disgusted by her or it just seems like something is wrong there. Hmmm...

 

[truthhopejustice]

At the moment, I use the internet. I don't meet anyone at work and don't attend church at this time. I am not the type to approach random women in public, so that is out. The internet has never worked well for me.
.

This right here is your problem. Unless you are on a site like eharmony or match.com online is not a great way to meet people who are waiting till marriage. when they get the vibe you are a good christian guy they wont write back. It's happened to me many, many times.

Try eharmony.com heck I'll even pay for your subscription! I'm tired of seeing posts like these and I want people to be happy as I was in your shoes not long ago.

Other than eharmony - or actually christian mingle is ok too, but you have to write to A LOT of people before you get a response on there as most people only have free subscriptions and cant write back - you've gotta meet her in person so if you arent going out and meeting people that right there explains why you arent having success.

 

[defeatedchristian]

So what kind of woman do you find attractive? You seem to want someone who is a lot more attractive than yourself. It does seem kind of shallow. But then you say you have to be attracted...it makes it sound like your baseline level of attraction is like an 8 or something or you couldn't make love to the woman without feeling sick. If that's actually true it's probably an issue with you and maybe you should see a therapist. Because if the girl is average looking you shouldnt be disgusted by her or it just seems like something is wrong there. Hmmm...

I don't think of people as numbers. That is shallow. And one person's 8 is another's 2, so it's not really helpful to think that way.

I know I have to be attracted to someone in order to want to be with them. A lot of people settle there. I am not willing to do that.

I don't know what you mean by what kind of woman? I don't see women as "kinds" and types. I see them as people. Like I said, I find many women attractive, even among Christians. But they don't see me as attractive, so that doesn't work. It's a catch 22.

I honestly don't see people as average or not. I don't know what average is. If most people are average, I have no problem with average. It's individual thing, so I don't think using terms like average or kinds of women, is helpful. If I am attracted to you, I am. If not, I'm not. It is clear, though, that I'm clearly out of their league and do not have the resources or game to compensate for my underwhelming looks.

 

[defeatedchristian]

This right here is your problem. Unless you are on a site like eharmony or match.com online is not a great way to meet people who are waiting till marriage. when they get the vibe you are a good christian guy they wont write back. It's happened to me many, many times.

Try eharmony.com heck I'll even pay for your subscription! I'm tired of seeing posts like these and I want people to be happy as I was in your shoes not long ago.

Other than eharmony - or actually christian mingle is ok too, but you have to write to A LOT of people before you get a response on there as most people only have free subscriptions and cant write back - you've gotta meet her in person so if you arent going out and meeting people that right there explains why you arent having success.

I do very badly online. It is my looks, I'm sure.

Even in person, I don't do as badly. I just hesitate, or take too long to ask someone out or I do not go for it at all. I'm shy and being my age and still alone is pathetic.

I have a great personality. I know it's not internal things keeping me single. God could bring me somebody great even if I'm a goblin. But I wouldn't want that anyway. Sigh. I'm stuck no matter what. I won't settle, but I also can't get a good looking woman. But I won't settle, and even if God did bring me somebody, I would not want her anyway because I know she would not feel the same way. I'm really messed up. lol

 

[Maremma]

When other people respond to you here the things you say back are what made me think that there is an underlying anger that causes you to be so defensive in your responses to them.
For example someone simply made suggestions to you about mail order brides.They were just trying to help and offer support. Your response was such that it makes the reader feel that you were very abrupt and offended that they would even suggest that to you.
People are just trying to help you figure out why you are where you are and what needs to happen to get from point A to point B. No one here knows you nor the whole situation. Your responses to them are such that it seems you expected them to just "know"?
If you TRULY want to get from point A to point B, it certainly would help if you didn't feel the need to be so defensive towards the people that are simply trying to offer suggestions and help you is all.
Now with that in mind let me say that if those girls wouldn't even give you the time of day and it truly is because of your looks then you are certainly better off NOT knowing them. They are far to shallow to be ABLE to be in the type of relationship yo uare seeking and they would have not only wasted your time they would have hurt you and made you even more bitter in the end.
I suspect that is not the "whole truth" in that matter though.I understand that that is what you at this time are speculating as the cause. I suspect it may be the way you are carrying yourself or presenting yourself that may make females shy away from you. If they are picking up anger, resentment or any number of negative feelings right off the bat from you they WILL avoid you. No one wants to be around an angry bitter or resentful person.
You certainly are angry at God for not "giving you the girl you are asking for". I can tell you this much for sure, as long as you STAY angry at God for not doing what you want He is not going to do it at all.
God only moves for us when we are standing in faith and BELIEVING Him. It DOES require some work on our part. Faith is hard work sometimes! if you are angrily saying "Nothing is to hard for God and He just won't give me what I want" you are certainly not standing in faith. You are tying His hands and then blaming Him when He CAN'T move for you.
Please talk to God with a humble heart and ask Him to forgive you for your anger towards Him about this and your lack of faith that HE knows what is best for you and when. Use this "alone time" to focus on your relationship with and to Him. It is amazing how everything else falls into place for us when we learn to do that.

 

[truthhopejustice]

I do very badly online. It is my looks, I'm sure.

Even in person, I don't do as badly. I just hesitate, or take too long to ask someone out or I do not go for it at all. I'm shy and being my age and still alone is pathetic.

I have a great personality. I know it's not internal things keeping me single. God could bring me somebody great even if I'm a goblin. But I wouldn't want that anyway. Sigh. I'm stuck no matter what. I won't settle, but I also can't get a good looking woman. But I won't settle, and even if God did bring me somebody, I would not want her anyway because I know she would not feel the same way. I'm really messed up. lol

Hmmm I don't think you are coming to the right conclusions here. I know several great christian guys who do horribly online and it has nothing to do with their looks as they are both very attractive. Online is usually for people who are horny and they write late at night and they just want a hook-up. Yes that's how bad these end times are. That's the norm for online. Except like I said with eharmony and a few other sites that market themselves as sites where you can find marriage partners.

Kinda seems like you are looking too much for a good looking woman and when they reject you you think you stand no chance. I feel like saying "Hello! These women are shallow" Unless you can give them shallow things they will reject you. How is that a bad thing? Why are you lamenting that you can't give them the shallow things they want and looking longingly at a shallow marriage as if you've lost out by not having that?

You don't want that! Or maybe a part of you does? Pray God changes that part of you. Shallow people may act happy but they arent. Do you want a shallow relationship with a good looking girl, or do you want happiness? It baffles me how some people would rather have something that is envied by the world than have actual happiness.

 

[truthhopejustice]

Btw, a lot of girls are into shy guys (I know I am!). Now if being shy is keeping you from even meeting them then yeah that's the only way it could be a problem. Do you have social anxiety? I used to have that. Cognitive behavioral therapy works great for that. You are likely telling yourself lies such as no girl can like me because I'm shy etc etc etc which arent true. CBT will help you replace the faulty thoughts with the real thing, then it will have you challenge yourself by going into situations with the new thoughts that will lead you to act in a way that will show you the new thoughts are correct - ppl will like you, girls will go out with you. The reinforcing of the thoughts with positive action will solidify it in your mind until you can see the truth and start living like it is true.

You can get books on CBT.

If the anxiety is very very severe then you may need medication. Usually SSRIs are given. there's also some natural stuff that works the same way called tryptophan.

 

[defeatedchristian]

When other people respond to you here the things you say back are what made me think that there is an underlying anger that causes you to be so defensive in your responses to them.
For example someone simply made suggestions to you about mail order brides.They were just trying to help and offer support. Your response was such that it makes the reader feel that you were very abrupt and offended that they would even suggest that to you.
People are just trying to help you figure out why you are where you are and what needs to happen to get from point A to point B. No one here knows you nor the whole situation. Your responses to them are such that it seems you expected them to just "know"?
If you TRULY want to get from point A to point B, it certainly would help if you didn't feel the need to be so defensive towards the people that are simply trying to offer suggestions and help you is all.
Now with that in mind let me say that if those girls wouldn't even give you the time of day and it truly is because of your looks then you are certainly better off NOT knowing them. They are far to shallow to be ABLE to be in the type of relationship yo uare seeking and they would have not only wasted your time they would have hurt you and made you even more bitter in the end.
I suspect that is not the "whole truth" in that matter though.I understand that that is what you at this time are speculating as the cause. I suspect it may be the way you are carrying yourself or presenting yourself that may make females shy away from you. If they are picking up anger, resentment or any number of negative feelings right off the bat from you they WILL avoid you. No one wants to be around an angry bitter or resentful person.
You certainly are angry at God for not "giving you the girl you are asking for". I can tell you this much for sure, as long as you STAY angry at God for not doing what you want He is not going to do it at all.
God only moves for us when we are standing in faith and BELIEVING Him. It DOES require some work on our part. Faith is hard work sometimes! if you are angrily saying "Nothing is to hard for God and He just won't give me what I want" you are certainly not standing in faith. You are tying His hands and then blaming Him when He CAN'T move for you.
Please talk to God with a humble heart and ask Him to forgive you for your anger towards Him about this and your lack of faith that HE knows what is best for you and when. Use this "alone time" to focus on your relationship with and to Him. It is amazing how everything else falls into place for us when we learn to do that.

No, I'm not angry at God anymore. Just kind of disappointed and let down. Saddened. I feel like God does not care about me, in this area of life. That is enough to make any real believer saddened and hurt. But I also know it is not His responsibility to answer my prayers for a mate. It's not up to Him to do something about it, it's up to me. Sadly, I'm just not up to the task.