Need some help

[asiyreh]

Learning to hear God's "voice" is often a difficult hurdle for allot of people. See we like to walk around this life taking the easy option. To allow ourselves these options in "good conscious" we kind of build a little moat of self delusions and half truths around ourselves. It makes us feel better.

Hearing God voice involves clearing these things out of the way being completely truthful with yourself. Allowing the Holy spirit to really come in. Really examining all those nasty little parts within yourself. Take them Holy spirit... give them up and then really pray for the first time and allow God to direct you to his purposes.

God the creator of the universe, he can reward his faithful servants. But first ... you must pray.

Difficult I admit. Haven't mastered it myself. But I know it's how to do it.

 

[defeatedchristian]

I am not saying wanting a believer is a sin. Nor is attraction a sin. But I am also saying it's your attitude that needs changing, not your desires. You expect God to cater to you. Now, if he were to bring you someone who was even a little less than average, or a little overweight for your taste, and he presented her to you as a wife, you would decline because she is not up to YOUR standards. That is how you come across. You come across as haughty, as proud, too proud to take someone who is not up to YOUR standards, but might be God's standard for you. I don't really think Hosea was really impressed with God's choice of wife for him. But he married her because he was mature and wise, and recognized there was more to his marriage than just his own satisfaction for a trophy wife.

I am not saying I know God's will for your life. I am saying that you must align your will to God's will, so you want what HE wants....not what YOU want or think he should give you just because you say so. There are couples all over the Bible who I'm sure were not terribly delighted in their marriage partner....women who were raped were made to marry their rapist. And the rapist might not exactly be happy having to live with a resentful wife. How happy do you think Adam was when Eve lead him to sin? How happy do you think Bathsheba was when she was forced to be with King David? In fact, how happy do you think his other wives were about it? There were also the men who had to marry their sisters-in-law, if her husband died leaving her childless. I'm sure there were not a lot of happy men out there.

It's not about you. That is all I'm saying that needs to change. Your mindset. You need to align your thinking with God's thinking. There is a far bigger purpose to marriage than your pleasure and happiness. Marriage is hard work, and if you just think it's all about you, no woman will be very happy about it, and I can guarantee that God will not be happy about it. You need to yield this area of your life to God, for his glory. This is biblical.

And as a woman who knows what to look for in a spouse, I am telling you that your defeatest, hopeless, haughty attitude is terribly unattractive to women. You say you want a wife, but women will not be attracted to you until you change your mindset. Pray this over, talk it over with God, talk it over with a trusted male friend or mentor at church, and you will know this is the truth.

What you are saying is, it's wrong to have standards and just take whomever you are able to get. No complaining. That is exactly what you are saying. That is a pretty commanding thing for a stranger on the internet to be telling me to do. What's more, you are making the claim that THIS is God's will for me. Well, I've already talked to God about it (I guess you missed that part). God is aware of my feelings on the matter more than you are. He knows all about this issue.

Your logic is terribly flawed here. Because a rapist was "forced" to marry his victim (most apologists disagree with that, but that's not my point), then I too, must suffer by being "forced" by God to marry someone I dislike as well? Really? That is your argument? I'm amazed.

I think of the two of us, you have more unbiblical and blasphemous views of God than I do. I do not accuse God of being so sadistic or cruel that He creates humans just to curse and be miserable, in unhappy relationships. If that is your view of God, we will never agree on anything. Is this a common Mennonite view? If so, I'm glad not to be of that doctrine. My views are mostly non-denominational and Word of Faith, so naturally I will believe God is actually good and wants to bless us, not curse us.

And back to the matter at hand, women are not attracted to me because I'm not on their level - up to their standards - not because of my attitude. My attitude is just fine, aside from this.

 

[ValleyGal]

Wow, you are really reading a lot into what I'm saying, but again, it speaks to your mindset. You are looking for ways to argue that you are right in your attitude. You are not right in your attitude. That is ALL i'm saying. I have made it perfectly clear that I do not know what God has for you. I am saying that your attitude needs to be like that of Jesus Christ, that he humbled himself to become a man and did not consider himself equal to God.

In several posts, I see you have put yourself better than God by demanding that he cater to what YOU want in a spouse. God does not owe you what YOU want especially when he might have other plans. You need to be willing to yield to his will, his time, his purpose, his transformation of your heart and mind. It is only when you yield to him and take on his character, that you will be able to find a godly wife.

I resent the implication that I have accused God of being sadistic and cruel. I support a God who brings about HIS will, and who will use whatever means to do so, including having some pretty miserable people around in the meantime. That might be you. IF it is you, are you willing to suffer for Jesus Christ? Are you willing to obey him at the cost of a beautiful wife who brings YOU pleasure?

And I'm sorry, but if you are unwilling to look at your own issues, you will not get far with women. You blame everything but yourself for your singleness. Very unattractive. If you think your attitude is fine, you don't have a realistic view of how you are coming across to others.

As for the Mennonite view, I am Mennonite Brethren, and we believe in the pursuit of holiness, peace, and love. We value serving God above all else, including ourselves, in our marriages and all of our relationships. This means that my husband and I put God above one another, and we remind each other as needed that God is first. It is not about us. It is about God's will, serving him in our marriage and our lives, at all costs - including the cost of each other. God's purpose prevails. Because of this mindset and being teachable by the Spirit and by one another, we have an amazing marriage. And a huge part of that happiness is that we take responsibility rather than blame, justify, excuse, complain, or use any other defense mechanism that is a cover-up for pride.

 

[asiyreh]

Wow, you are really reading a lot into what I'm saying, but again, it speaks to your mindset. You are looking for ways to argue that you are right in your attitude. You are not right in your attitude. That is ALL i'm saying. I have made it perfectly clear that I do not know what God has for you. I am saying that your attitude needs to be like that of Jesus Christ, that he humbled himself to become a man and did not consider himself equal to God.

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. NKJV philippians 2​

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[defeatedchristian]

Wow, you are really reading a lot into what I'm saying, but again, it speaks to your mindset. You are looking for ways to argue that you are right in your attitude. You are not right in your attitude. That is ALL i'm saying. I have made it perfectly clear that I do not know what God has for you. I am saying that your attitude needs to be like that of Jesus Christ, that he humbled himself to become a man and did not consider himself equal to God.

In several posts, I see you have put yourself better than God by demanding that he cater to what YOU want in a spouse. God does not owe you what YOU want especially when he might have other plans. You need to be willing to yield to his will, his time, his purpose, his transformation of your heart and mind. It is only when you yield to him and take on his character, that you will be able to find a godly wife.

I resent the implication that I have accused God of being sadistic and cruel. I support a God who brings about HIS will, and who will use whatever means to do so, including having some pretty miserable people around in the meantime. That might be you. IF it is you, are you willing to suffer for Jesus Christ? Are you willing to obey him at the cost of a beautiful wife who brings YOU pleasure?

And I'm sorry, but if you are unwilling to look at your own issues, you will not get far with women. You blame everything but yourself for your singleness. Very unattractive. If you think your attitude is fine, you don't have a realistic view of how you are coming across to others.

As for the Mennonite view, I am Mennonite Brethren, and we believe in the pursuit of holiness, peace, and love. We value serving God above all else, including ourselves, in our marriages and all of our relationships. This means that my husband and I put God above one another, and we remind each other as needed that God is first. It is not about us. It is about God's will, serving him in our marriage and our lives, at all costs - including the cost of each other. God's purpose prevails. Because of this mindset and being teachable by the Spirit and by one another, we have an amazing marriage. And a huge part of that happiness is that we take responsibility rather than blame, justify, excuse, complain, or use any other defense mechanism that is a cover-up for pride.

I am reading what you are saying. You are being incredibly judgmental and rude. If you know the mind of God, then speak up. If not, then don't presume as though you do. You have some very interesting ideas about who God is. Unfortunately, I don't share most of them. God is Almighty, but not the killjoy you seem to make Him out to be.

And what is wrong with wanting a spouse who is attractive and a believer? You show me, from the Bible, how that is wrong. You also need to show me specifically, where God says it is wrong for me (specifically) to want a relationship like that. Go ahead, I'll wait.

I think I'm done with this unbiblical discussion. I have not accused God of anything, yet you are doing just that. You believe in a god who relishes bringing suffering and misery upon us. I do not. That has never been in my view of God and never will be.

And okay, how am I not taking responsibility here? I have outright said numerous times, it is my looks that is keeping me single. How is that blaming God or any of the other things you accused me of? My attitude needs to change? Perhaps it does. But I'm not going to be a blind Pollyanna, just believing everything will come up sugar and rainbows if I just believe it will. My theology might say that, but my experience tells me this is untrue.

I fail to see how me acknowledging the truth - that is, that it is my appearance keeping me single - is the problem. I am being honest and God values honesty. I do not subscribe to your belief that God makes people marry others who make them miserable. I never have and I never will. The God I know and serve is far greater and more kind than that. You dishonor the Lord with your words.

 

[ValleyGal]

I am reading what you are saying. You are being incredibly judgmental and rude. If you know the mind of God, then speak up. If not, then don't presume as though you do. You have some very interesting ideas about who God is. Unfortunately, I don't share most of them. God is Almighty, but not the killjoy you seem to make Him out to be.

I don't see where I've made him out to be a killjoy. In fact, if you obey him, take on his mind, live in humility, yielding to his will rather than your own, you will find much joy. More than you can imagine. It might not be with who you think it will be. God is sovereign, but you have attempted to make yourself sovereign by saying all you said in post 8, where you made it all about you rather than him.

And what is wrong with wanting a spouse who is attractive and a believer? You show me, from the Bible, how that is wrong. You also need to show me specifically, where God says it is wrong for me (specifically) to want a relationship like that. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Again, I have never said anything about being wrong with what you want. If you read my posts thoroughly, you will have seen several times where I have said your desires are not the problem. Your mindset is the problem.

I think I'm done with this unbiblical discussion. I have not accused God of anything, yet you are doing just that. You believe in a god who relishes bringing suffering and misery upon us. I do not. That has never been in my view of God and never will be.

No, I have never said God relishes bringing suffering. I challenge you to show me where I said he enjoys it. He does not enjoy it, but he will do whatever is necessary to bring his will to pass. That means there will be miserable people. Why? Because people are more concerned about their own way than about God's way. Disobedience brings misery. A will out of line with God's brings misery. Egocentrism brings misery. A God-centred life and mindset brings joy. And this is what he wants for us. You contribute to your own lack of joy.

And okay, how am I not taking responsibility here? I have outright said numerous times, it is my looks that is keeping me single. How is that blaming God or any of the other things you accused me of? My attitude needs to change? Perhaps it does. But I'm not going to be a blind Pollyanna, just believing everything will come up sugar and rainbows if I just believe it will. My theology might say that, but my experience tells me this is untrue.

You are not taking responsibility because you are blaming everything from your appearance to God for not catering to you. The real responsibility lies in your spiritual state. I'm not a polyanna either. Following the Lord is hard work, and it costs. It costs a lot. It costs YOU. It costs you every day to take your cross and crucify your old nature so that Christ can live in you and through you. It costs your attitude. It costs your happiness. Christianity is not a bed of roses. But our reward is in heaven. Not in a beautiful wife that YOU want for YOU.

I fail to see how me acknowledging the truth - that is, that it is my appearance keeping me single - is the problem. I am being honest and God values honesty. I do not subscribe to your belief that God makes people marry others who make them miserable. I never have and I never will. The God I know and serve is far greater and more kind than that. You dishonor the Lord with your words.

Indeed, God values honesty. So be honest with yourself. You seem to be believing a lie that God is punishing you, has abandoned you, doesn't know you very well, hates you, and the list goes on throughout the thread.

You infer that I believe God makes us marry people who will make us miserable. No. That is also a lie. I believe that if we marry people who are committed to putting him first in ALL things, including choice of a spouse, pursuing holiness will make us "happier" so to speak. However, the Bible has definite examples of times when they are called to very difficult marriages. And it is an excellent platform to learn how to live out the ministry of the Lord Jesus - the ministry of reconciliation. But here is the thing. People make themselves miserable often by THEIR OWN CHOICES of who to marry, rather than yielding to God. You may think you know what you want, and you seem to be of the belief that God needs to provide that or if he doesn't, he hates you or has abandoned you. But the God I know, who formed you in your mother's womb, who knows you better than you know yourself, HE knows what you need in a wife, to the exclusion of what you think you WANT. There is a huge difference. Are you willing to put aside what you think is best for what God thinks is best, and when it is best for you? Like I said, my husband was 42 when he married for the first time. And he tells me often that I was worth the wait.

 

[defeatedchristian]

I don't see where I've made him out to be a killjoy. In fact, if you obey him, take on his mind, live in humility, yielding to his will rather than your own, you will find much joy. More than you can imagine. It might not be with who you think it will be. God is sovereign, but you have attempted to make yourself sovereign by saying all you said in post 8, where you made it all about you rather than him.

I don't believe God is up there, forcing certain people to get together or else. That kind of thinking rarely helps anyone.

God is gives people choice and wills of their own. We are not robots.

When you can show me where it is wrong to want a spouse you are attracted to, then I will listen to you. Let me ask you: Does your spouse find you attractive? If not, how do you feel about that? Likewise, do you find him attractive? If so, then how are you not being hypocritical for condemning me for wanting the same thing?

Again, I have never said anything about being wrong with what you want. If you read my posts thoroughly, you will have seen several times where I have said your desires are not the problem. Your mindset is the problem.

Except where you said numerous times that God does not want me to have that, therefore, it is wrong.

That's fine. I've already prayed about this, if you remember. I asked Him to remove the desire for a spouse, since He has no desire or concern for me wanting something as normal and natural as a decent relationship.

No, I have never said God relishes bringing suffering. I challenge you to show me where I said he enjoys it. He does not enjoy it, but he will do whatever is necessary to bring his will to pass. That means there will be miserable people. Why? Because people are more concerned about their own way than about God's way. Disobedience brings misery. A will out of line with God's brings misery. Egocentrism brings misery. A God-centred life and mindset brings joy. And this is what he wants for us. You contribute to your own lack of joy.

So God forces us to be miserable, but it is not His will? That makes no sense.

You are not taking responsibility because you are blaming everything from your appearance to God for not catering to you. The real responsibility lies in your spiritual state. I'm not a polyanna either. Following the Lord is hard work, and it costs. It costs a lot. It costs YOU. It costs you every day to take your cross and crucify your old nature so that Christ can live in you and through you. It costs your attitude. It costs your happiness. Christianity is not a bed of roses. But our reward is in heaven. Not in a beautiful wife that YOU want for YOU.

I guess that's that then, huh?

So, ultimately, nothing has changed from my first post. I was right all along.

Indeed, God values honesty. So be honest with yourself. You seem to be believing a lie that God is punishing you, has abandoned you, doesn't know you very well, hates you, and the list goes on throughout the thread.

All logical conclusions. Based on your posts, I'd say I was spot on.

You infer that I believe God makes us marry people who will make us miserable. No. That is also a lie.

But that is what you teach.

[

I believe that if we marry people who are committed to putting him first in ALL things, including choice of a spouse, pursuing holiness will make us "happier" so to speak. However, the Bible has definite examples of times when they are called to very difficult marriages. And it is an excellent platform to learn how to live out the ministry of the Lord Jesus - the ministry of reconciliation. But here is the thing. People make themselves miserable often by THEIR OWN CHOICES of who to marry, rather than yielding to God. You may think you know what you want, and you seem to be of the belief that God needs to provide that or if he doesn't, he hates you or has abandoned you. But the God I know, who formed you in your mother's womb, who knows you better than you know yourself, HE knows what you need in a wife, to the exclusion of what you think you WANT. There is a huge difference. Are you willing to put aside what you think is best for what God thinks is best, and when it is best for you? Like I said, my husband was 42 when he married for the first time. And he tells me often that I was worth the wait.

I wasn't aware what I wanted was evil or wrong. You, so far, have failed to show how that is remotely true.

Why were you "worth the wait?" Was he attracted to you? Why does he, then, get a spouse he finds attractive while I am cursed not to have one? Answer me that.

As far as my appearance goes, you have no idea what I look like, so you speak foolishly and presumptuously. For all you know, I could be the most ugly piece of garbage you've ever seen. Like it or not, all people (yes, even you) judge you by how you look.

 

[ValleyGal]

I don't believe God is up there, forcing certain people to get together or else. That kind of thinking rarely helps anyone.

God is gives people choice and wills of their own. We are not robots.

God does give people a choice and a will, yes. When you use that freedom to bring about and desire HIS will, then it will be blessed.

When you can show me where it is wrong to want a spouse you are attracted to, then I will listen to you. Let me ask you: Does your spouse find you attractive? If not, how do you feel about that? Likewise, do you find him attractive? If so, then how are you not being hypocritical for condemning me for wanting the same thing?

Again, for about the fourth time, I never EVER said it is wrong to want to be attracted to your spouse. I have repeatedly said that it is NOT your desires which need help. There is NOTHING wrong with your desires. It is your ATTITUDE which needs help. Yes, my husband finds me attractive. But that is not because I am the beauty I was as a young woman. It is because he has done what Job has done. He has made a covenant with his eyes and he protects our vows by deliberately finding me irresistible even though I do not turn heads like I used to.

Except where you said numerous times that God does not want me to have that, therefore, it is wrong.

Again, you are not reading my posts. I have NEVER said God does not want you to have that. I am saying that you will not attract what you are looking for as long as your attitude is all about you.

That's fine. I've already prayed about this, if you remember. I asked Him to remove the desire for a spouse, since He has no desire or concern for me wanting something as normal and natural as a decent relationship.

Your prayer will be ineffective. He created you with desires, so for him to take away those desires is telling God that he screwed up with you. It would be telling God that his creation was not good enough. He will not honour a prayer that goes counter to his will. If it was not his will, he would have created you differently. You might have to wait for a wife, though, for a very long time, or until your attitude becomes like that of Jesus Christ. Imo, you are not prepared mentally, emotionally or spiritually for a godly marriage. By saying what you just said, you are saying that God has no desire for you to have a relationship. But he does. He wants that for you, but in HIS time, and in HIS way, and with HIS mindset.

So God forces us to be miserable, but it is not His will? That makes no sense.

It makes no sense because that is NOT what I said. Read carefully. You are not reading my posts.

I guess that's that then, huh?

So, ultimately, nothing has changed from my first post. I was right all along.

All logical conclusions. Based on your posts, I'd say I was spot on.

Again, not true. You are not spot on. You have blamed everything BUT your attitude. I am saying it is your attitude.

But that is what you teach.

No. It is not. Read my posts.

I wasn't aware what I wanted was evil or wrong. You, so far, have failed to show how that is remotely true.

What you want is not evil or wrong. That's what I've been saying. But your attitude is not the mind of Christ. Based on numerous posts, including post 8, you seem to think God owes you what you want, when you want it, and if he doesn't, he is deserting you, unloving, etc. Those are lies. Stop believing the lies! For the last time, your desires are NORMAL. Your attitude is what women likely find unattractive.

Why were you "worth the wait?" Was he attracted to you? Why does he, then, get a spouse he finds attractive while I am cursed not to have one? Answer me that.

I was worth the wait because I love him, but I love God more. That is what he prayed for. If you or anyone else on these boards saw what I look like, you would certainly not say "there goes a pretty lady!" When I was young I was average. I'm older now, and not so pretty. Men do not look twice at me, nor do I want them to. My husband did not even know what I looked like when he became interested in me. He knew my faith, he knew my character, and he knew my beliefs and values. Because what he found on the inside was attractive, my outer appearance became attractive to him.

I do not care what you look like. If you have a godly mindset, a positive attitude, a sunny disposition, optimistic views, and a heart that is humble and responsive to God's will more than your own, when a woman sees this in you - that is when she will find you attractive. Not till then. A great personality makes the physical more attractive. So you see, it sounds more to me like you are judging yourself by your appearance, and using that to blame your situation on everything except where it belongs. Change your character, change your mindset, focus on your strengths. Make friends with all kinds of people. BE the kind of person a godly woman will WANT to marry. THEN you will find one.

 

[defeatedchristian]

God does give people a choice and a will, yes. When you use that freedom to bring about and desire HIS will, then it will be blessed.



Again, for about the fourth time, I never EVER said it is wrong to want to be attracted to your spouse. I have repeatedly said that it is NOT your desires which need help. There is NOTHING wrong with your desires. It is your ATTITUDE which needs help. Yes, my husband finds me attractive. But that is not because I am the beauty I was as a young woman. It is because he has done what Job has done. He has made a covenant with his eyes and he protects our vows by deliberately finding me irresistible even though I do not turn heads like I used to.

Well, when someone can teach me how to force myself to be physically attracted to someone even when I'm really not, I'm all ears. That sounds insane to me.

Again, you are not reading my posts. I have NEVER said God does not want you to have that. I am saying that you will not attract what you are looking for as long as your attitude is all about you.

No, but you implied it and alluded to it at least 6 or 7 times. You brought up Hosea, rapists marrying their victim, Bathsheba and the example about "suffering for God." That sounds pretty much like you are saying just that which you claim to be denying.

I will never attract that which I want because it's "not God's will" for me to have it. God doesn't want me to be happy or blessed in this regard. He wants me to settle. I'd rather be alone. That's basically it.

Your prayer will be ineffective. He created you with desires, so for him to take away those desires is telling God that he screwed up with you. It would be telling God that his creation was not good enough. He will not honour a prayer that goes counter to his will. If it was not his will, he would have created you differently. You might have to wait for a wife, though, for a very long time, or until your attitude becomes like that of Jesus Christ. Imo, you are not prepared mentally, emotionally or spiritually for a godly marriage. By saying what you just said, you are saying that God has no desire for you to have a relationship. But he does. He wants that for you, but in HIS time, and in HIS way, and with HIS mindset.

God can do the impossible. If He can raise the dead, He can remove god-given desires. Don't limit Him with your small-thinking.

Jesus never married, so if I am to emulate Him, then I am doing it well already.

It's amazing how you can know so much about me when you don't even know a thing about me. I am more than prepared. However, I am too picky. But wait, didn't God make me that way too? Well, He sure did make a mess didn't He? First He makes me want to get married, then He makes me too picky. Just what is going on here?

It makes no sense because that is NOT what I said. Read carefully. You are not reading my posts.

I read them just fine.

Again, not true. You are not spot on. You have blamed everything BUT your attitude. I am saying it is your attitude.

I disagree. You don't know me and are judging falsely.

Being positive got me nowhere, so it has nothing to do with that.

The mindset you describe, "Settle and you'll somehow be happy" is not one I will ever adopt. Accept it.

No. It is not. Read my posts.

I have.

What you want is not evil or wrong. That's what I've been saying. But your attitude is not the mind of Christ. Based on numerous posts, including post 8, you seem to think God owes you what you want, when you want it, and if he doesn't, he is deserting you, unloving, etc. Those are lies. Stop believing the lies! For the last time, your desires are NORMAL. Your attitude is what women likely find unattractive.

You are putting words into my mouth. Nowhere once did I God "owed" me anything. But unlike you, I believe the Scriptures and when they say ask and you shall receive, I take it at face value. I don't believe God creates people to be lonely, miserable and stuck in sexless, dead marriages to prove some unknown will. Never have, never will.

No, my looks are what women dislike. I don't go up to women and start whining about how "God owes me a spouse." Give me a little credit here.

What do you suggest then? I change my attitude and settle for someone I find unattractive and when we're together and she's like, "Do you think I'm pretty?" And my response is, "No, I don't. I only married you because God made me," don't you think that is harsh and cruel? I'd rather be alone than put someone else through that.

I was worth the wait because I love him, but I love God more. That is what he prayed for. If you or anyone else on these boards saw what I look like, you would certainly not say "there goes a pretty lady!" When I was young I was average. I'm older now, and not so pretty. Men do not look twice at me, nor do I want them to. My husband did not even know what I looked like when he became interested in me. He knew my faith, he knew my character, and he knew my beliefs and values. Because what he found on the inside was attractive, my outer appearance became attractive to him.

Okay?

I do not care what you look like. If you have a godly mindset, a positive attitude, a sunny disposition, optimistic views, and a heart that is humble and responsive to God's will more than your own, when a woman sees this in you - that is when she will find you attractive.

Lies. I was that way for years and never met anyone.

So perhaps it IS God's will for me to be alone forever. That's fine. It is preferable to a lifetime of misery and loneliness in a marriage. The only thing worse than being alone as a single is being lonely in a marriage. No thanks to that.

Not till then. A great personality makes the physical more attractive. So you see, it sounds more to me like you are judging yourself by your appearance, and using that to blame your situation on everything except where it belongs. Change your character, change your mindset, focus on your strengths. Make friends with all kinds of people. BE the kind of person a godly woman will WANT to marry. THEN you will find one.

Women in the real world and online, and in churches too, only judge by how you look, not by your heart. If they didn't, I would already be married. But I guess it's "all part of God's plan" isn't it?

Godly women still want someone they are attracted to. And that is not wrong, despite what you may think. I'm the same. But I got hit with the ugly stick, so I'm at a loss. I only have 2 options: Settle and be miserable or be alone and be miserable.

God can do anything, but even if He did, I would not be happy because I would want to be loved and liked for who I am, not because He made them like me. Oh but I forgot, that is wrong, to want such things. Really.

 

[ValleyGal]

Okay, I'm done with the conversation. I have tried to help you to recognize ONE thing that you can change to maximize your opportunities with women, and to find a wife who is both attractive and godly. You are staying true to yourself in this thread, twisting words, blaming, and staying in your mindset. This is what women find unattractive. But if you want to stay in your defeatist attitude and go on blaming God and your appearance, so be it. Nothing will change for you. Nothing will change until you change your MIND.

I pray spiritual maturity for you, a spiritual maturity that is humble and takes responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I pray spiritual maturity which will make you teachable to the Spirit. Some day when (if) that ever happens, you will be able to remember this very conversation and know that I speak the truth. But that will not happen until you let go of your defenses and yield to him.

And if you die a bitter and lonely old man, blaming everyone but yourself, God will ask you why....and there will be no more excuses.

 

[defeatedchristian]

Okay, I'm done with the conversation. I have tried to help you to recognize ONE thing that you can change to maximize your opportunities with women, and to find a wife who is both attractive and godly. You are staying true to yourself in this thread, twisting words, blaming, and staying in your mindset. This is what women find unattractive. But if you want to stay in your defeatist attitude and go on blaming God and your appearance, so be it. Nothing will change for you. Nothing will change until you change your MIND.

I pray spiritual maturity for you, a spiritual maturity that is humble and takes responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I pray spiritual maturity which will make you teachable to the Spirit. Some day when (if) that ever happens, you will be able to remember this very conversation and know that I speak the truth. But that will not happen until you let go of your defenses and yield to him.

And if you die a bitter and lonely old man, blaming everyone but yourself, God will ask you why....and there will be no more excuses.

Seeing as how I get nowhere with online dating or in real life with women approaching me or talking to me/showing any interest in me, it's safe to say you are wrong and it's my looks, not my attitude keeping me single.

Attitude would imply they actually got to know me, not just judged me by how I look and ignored me thereafter. But believe whatever you want.

 

[ValleyGal]

I just checked the cross-posting. I have been saying exactly what the others in the other thread are saying. So could it be that ALL of us recognize something that you do not see in yourself? Something that is a real turn-off to women, like your attitude? ALL of us could not be wrong, and you be the only one who is right.....

If you want to attract women, change your mindset, be their friend, be positive, and you will attract positive people, you will attract people who WANT to be with you. Women don't want to now because your attitude projects defeat, blame, defensiveness, haughtiness.

I get it that you are defensive. But some day, when you are thinking more rationally about all this with a clear mind and teachable heart, maybe you will start to see that there is truth to what all these people on both threads are telling you.

 

[defeatedchristian]

I just checked the cross-posting. I have been saying exactly what the others in the other thread are saying. So could it be that ALL of us recognize something that you do not see in yourself? Something that is a real turn-off to women, like your attitude? ALL of us could not be wrong, and you be the only one who is right.....

If you want to attract women, change your mindset, be their friend, be positive, and you will attract positive people, you will attract people who WANT to be with you. Women don't want to now because your attitude projects defeat, blame, defensiveness, haughtiness.

I get it that you are defensive. But some day, when you are thinking more rationally about all this with a clear mind and teachable heart, maybe you will start to see that there is truth to what all these people on both threads are telling you.

Hell may have just frozen over, but I actually somewhat agree with you. Normally, I would agree with you about being positive, friendly, etc. That is a great way to be and I highly encourage everyone to be that way. I am generally like that myself, but not at the moment. I am depressed and sad. Can't you tell?

Also, being positive and happy with women has not in the slightest worked in my favor. They don't care. They go for the good looking GQ model guy, whether or not he has a "bright outlook." Women want the same thing I want, a normal relationship with someone they like, are attracted to and loves God. Think about it, who will have the advantage; me, a below average looking guy who is a Christian who loves God, or the super-hot guy who loves God? All things being equal, the better looking dude is going to win out.

My attitude probably should change. I SHOULD learn how to settle and accept that which life hands me. That is the true definition of defeat, after all and I am the DefeatedChristian. I just have too much... whatever, I don't even know, to do that yet. Maybe one day, it will happen, but I'm not ready to live up to my username, not yet.

I am defensive towards you because you are constantly pointing your finger at me and judging me falsely. I don't like that.

 

[susyan]

hello ValleyGal,

I was reading a few of the posts in here, and I see what you are trying to share with defeatedchristian.

Sometimes a person cannot see what they are doing wrong, until what they are doing wrong, is compared with what is right, and they can see the difference.

My suggestion, is to copy and paste defeatedchristian's wrong attitude/mindset, and then write down what the right attitude/mindset looks like, and have them both on display in one post, so that defeatedchristian can see for himself what the wordings (post) of right attitude/mindset looks like... then it will be up to him to take it or not.

I just thought I'd share in here, because it may help him to see what it looks like if he worded things (same desire) but with the right attitude/mindet.

Just my two cents. What you shared, I agreed. The Lord knows what and who is best for us, and what He brings for us, will bring us joy, true joy... we just need to ask Him, wait on Him and trust Him.

 

[truthhopejustice]

Hell may have just frozen over, but I actually somewhat agree with you. Normally, I would agree with you about being positive, friendly, etc. That is a great way to be and I highly encourage everyone to be that way. I am generally like that myself, but not at the moment. I am depressed and sad. Can't you tell?

Also, being positive and happy with women has not in the slightest worked in my favor. They don't care. They go for the good looking GQ model guy, whether or not he has a "bright outlook." Women want the same thing I want, a normal relationship with someone they like, are attracted to and loves God. Think about it, who will have the advantage; me, a below average looking guy who is a Christian who loves God, or the super-hot guy who loves God? All things being equal, the better looking dude is going to win out.

My attitude probably should change. I SHOULD learn how to settle and accept that which life hands me. That is the true definition of defeat, after all and I am the DefeatedChristian. I just have too much... whatever, I don't even know, to do that yet. Maybe one day, it will happen, but I'm not ready to live up to my username, not yet.

I am defensive towards you because you are constantly pointing your finger at me and judging me falsely. I don't like that.

I'm sorry you feel so defeated. I wish you could have some success or something good happen that would cause you to see that things aren't as hopeless as you are thinking they are. I will pray that God sends you some encouragement that will touch your heart in just the right way and open your mind to see the reality of the situation.

I don't think you'll be able to change your attitude till you deal with your emotions first and get some hope somehow. Everyone needs hope

 

[amoen]

DC, I think the others here have spoken a lot of truth to you. Your attitude is very off-putting. You may not think that is apparent to the women you approach, but let me assure you it is. The first time I met my husband, I instantly didn't like him because he put off a vibe that communicated to me that he thought he was too good for me. He obviously didn't feel that way (we are married now, after all), but his posture, mannerisms, and word choice all left me feeling like I'd been judged and found wanting. I instantly crossed him off my mental list of viable marriage contenders and went on with my life. I like a good challenge, but not one I thought I had no chance of winning from the outset. It is only by God's good grace that over the next couple of years, we had to work very closely with one another. I got to know the real man behind the aloof facade. As it turned out, he suffered from social anxiety, and that was how he protected himself from embarrassing social situations. Had I not had that time to get to know him, we never would have struck up the friendship that grew into love and resulted in our marriage.

My point is, you are under the false impression that it is your appearance that women are finding fault with. I can tell you from experience, women do not care even a fraction as much about a man's appearance as he does about hers. If a man is confident, secure, and pleasant to be around, he will not have a problem finding a wife regardless of what he looks like. That's the reason you see some very beautiful women with some very average looking men. It honestly does not matter to us nearly as much as you think. But if a man harbors doubts and a defeatist attitude, he may think that he's coming across as a happy-go-lucky guy, but in reality he is projecting an image that says, "Back off. Unreachable." Women are VERY attuned to that in a man.

I agree with the others that you need to get right with your identity in Christ and sort out your emotions before you pursue a relationship with a woman. You claim that you emulate Jesus pretty well, but I'm here to tell you that you are WAY off the mark. You haven't humbled yourself once in this entire thread. (Self-deprication does not count as being humble.) Your brothers and sisters in Christ have offered you counsel and you have rudely rejected it, all the while claiming to be more Godly than them. They speak out of love, my friend. We all want you to find the happiness you seek, but you need to accept that it won't come to you until you honestly address the matters that are keeping you from attaining it.

Much love to you.

 

[ValleyGal]

hello ValleyGal,

I was reading a few of the posts in here, and I see what you are trying to share with defeatedchristian.

Sometimes a person cannot see what they are doing wrong, until what they are doing wrong, is compared with what is right, and they can see the difference.

My suggestion, is to copy and paste defeatedchristian's wrong attitude/mindset, and then write down what the right attitude/mindset looks like, and have them both on display in one post, so that defeatedchristian can see for himself what the wordings (post) of right attitude/mindset looks like... then it will be up to him to take it or not.

I just thought I'd share in here, because it may help him to see what it looks like if he worded things (same desire) but with the right attitude/mindet.

Just my two cents. What you shared, I agreed. The Lord knows what and who is best for us, and what He brings for us, will bring us joy, true joy... we just need to ask Him, wait on Him and trust Him.

Thank you, Susyan, this is good feedback and I will certainly give it some thought. I appreciate your creativity in how I might do this in the future.

 

[defeatedchristian]

I'm sorry you feel so defeated. I wish you could have some success or something good happen that would cause you to see that things aren't as hopeless as you are thinking they are. I will pray that God sends you some encouragement that will touch your heart in just the right way and open your mind to see the reality of the situation.

I don't think you'll be able to change your attitude till you deal with your emotions first and get some hope somehow. Everyone needs hope

Hope would be nice.

But it is as some others have said. I need to lower my self image and internal representation of myself to be seen as the way most women see me - unattractive. Then, as I dwell on my bad qualities, perhaps I can stop thinking so highly of myself and start settling more easily for women on my level physically.

 

[defeatedchristian]

DC, I think the others here have spoken a lot of truth to you. Your attitude is very off-putting. You may not think that is apparent to the women you approach, but let me assure you it is. The first time I met my husband, I instantly didn't like him because he put off a vibe that communicated to me that he thought he was too good for me. He obviously didn't feel that way (we are married now, after all), but his posture, mannerisms, and word choice all left me feeling like I'd been judged and found wanting. I instantly crossed him off my mental list of viable marriage contenders and went on with my life. I like a good challenge, but not one I thought I had no chance of winning from the outset. It is only by God's good grace that over the next couple of years, we had to work very closely with one another. I got to know the real man behind the aloof facade. As it turned out, he suffered from social anxiety, and that was how he protected himself from embarrassing social situations. Had I not had that time to get to know him, we never would have struck up the friendship that grew into love and resulted in our marriage.

My point is, you are under the false impression that it is your appearance that women are finding fault with. I can tell you from experience, women do not care even a fraction as much about a man's appearance as he does about hers. If a man is confident, secure, and pleasant to be around, he will not have a problem finding a wife regardless of what he looks like. That's the reason you see some very beautiful women with some very average looking men. It honestly does not matter to us nearly as much as you think. But if a man harbors doubts and a defeatist attitude, he may think that he's coming across as a happy-go-lucky guy, but in reality he is projecting an image that says, "Back off. Unreachable." Women are VERY attuned to that in a man.

I agree with the others that you need to get right with your identity in Christ and sort out your emotions before you pursue a relationship with a woman. You claim that you emulate Jesus pretty well, but I'm here to tell you that you are WAY off the mark. You haven't humbled yourself once in this entire thread. (Self-deprication does not count as being humble.) Your brothers and sisters in Christ have offered you counsel and you have rudely rejected it, all the while claiming to be more Godly than them. They speak out of love, my friend. We all want you to find the happiness you seek, but you need to accept that it won't come to you until you honestly address the matters that are keeping you from attaining it.

Much love to you.

I don't approach any women. I'm shy as hell. I might use online to message the odd woman, which is rare, but that is it. I will not approach random women even at a church. I think, "Well, they wouldn't want me anyway, so why bother?" I'm pre-empting their rejection by avoiding them altogether. If women liked me, they would let me know, approach me, smile at me, etc. They don't. You are right, I need to find a way to accept reality and defeat completely. I'm too much a fighter and too stubborn for my own good, at times.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you felt he was making you feel lower than himself, the insecurities were on your end, not him doing it to you. You perceived his confidence as a threat because you were wounded from previous relationships, most likely.

Generally, I agree with you that men prize looks more than women. I know that. But with the rise of feminism in the west, women have become more and more selective about looks and even studies show that couples tend to stay married to those of roughly the same level of physical attractiveness. That's a hindrance for me. Like I said, even if I got someone I liked, if they didn't like me, what is the point?

And I'll ask, okay - if it's not my looks, then why do I get nowhere with online dating? Most women won't even give me the time of day. My writing is good, I can write a good profile. Most don't even view it back. Why? Because of my looks. I don't like it either, but it's reality. I don't see myself as they do (hence, the entitlement issues) but that doesn't stop them from seeing me as I really am. Clearly, I'm very deceived and think more highly of myself than I ought (Galatians chapter 6). You are right, God needs to break this in it.

Well, you don't know a thing about my spiritual life, so don't worry too much about that. What people's concept of Jesus is like to them is of little importance when compared with the truth of Who He was and is. Contrary to popular opinion, Jesus was not a doormat or a pushover, but rather, a strong, powerful speaker and a leader of men.

 

[amoen]

Man, should have read the Tag first. Got hauled in by a troll. And a good one, too. Kudos to you.