Need some help

[defeatedchristian]

Hmmm I don't think you are coming to the right conclusions here. I know several great christian guys who do horribly online and it has nothing to do with their looks as they are both very attractive. Online is usually for people who are horny and they write late at night and they just want a hook-up. Yes that's how bad these end times are. That's the norm for online. Except like I said with eharmony and a few other sites that market themselves as sites where you can find marriage partners.

Kinda seems like you are looking too much for a good looking woman and when they reject you you think you stand no chance. I feel like saying "Hello! These women are shallow" Unless you can give them shallow things they will reject you. How is that a bad thing? Why are you lamenting that you can't give them the shallow things they want and looking longingly at a shallow marriage as if you've lost out by not having that?

You don't want that! Or maybe a part of you does? Pray God changes that part of you. Shallow people may act happy but they arent. Do you want a shallow relationship with a good looking girl, or do you want happiness? It baffles me how some people would rather have something that is envied by the world than have actual happiness.

So, in order to have a relationship, I'm not allowed to be with someone I find sexually attractive? Maybe it's because you are a woman, but men are highly visual and that is the way God has made us. We can complain and dislike it as much as we want, but it's just how we are. Praying that God will somehow change His design for the male species is not going to work.

I don't see how being idealistic when it comes to love and romance is a bad thing. I'd rather be alone and feel good about myself than settle and be miserable with somebody else. I don't see how being with a good looking person equals being miserable.

 

[truthhopejustice]

Sadly, I'm just not up to the task.

This right here seems like the truth. You are capable of it, but you arent up to it aka doing it. You are convinced you are doomed to fail. That's not true at all though.

My advice: Join a christian group. Mingle with people, become friends. Over time it will become clear which of these friends are interested in you. Then ask them out

 

[defeatedchristian]

Btw, a lot of girls are into shy guys (I know I am!). Now if being shy is keeping you from even meeting them then yeah that's the only way it could be a problem. Do you have social anxiety? I used to have that. Cognitive behavioral therapy works great for that. You are likely telling yourself lies such as no girl can like me because I'm shy etc etc etc which arent true. CBT will help you replace the faulty thoughts with the real thing, then it will have you challenge yourself by going into situations with the new thoughts that will lead you to act in a way that will show you the new thoughts are correct - ppl will like you, girls will go out with you. The reinforcing of the thoughts with positive action will solidify it in your mind until you can see the truth and start living like it is true.

You can get books on CBT.

If the anxiety is very very severe then you may need medication. Usually SSRIs are given. there's also some natural stuff that works the same way called tryptophan.

Well, women don't approach me so being shy is definitely a problem for me. I don't know why they don't, but they don't.

I have tried telling myself that they would like me, etc. But it's not true. Harsh reality crushes those lies every time. Whenever I would say those things to myself, I'd just disregard them because I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I can't lie to myself and pretend others like me when they clearly do not.

 

[defeatedchristian]

This right here seems like the truth. You are capable of it, but you arent up to it aka doing it. You are convinced you are doomed to fail. That's not true at all though.

My advice: Join a christian group. Mingle with people, become friends. Over time it will become clear which of these friends are interested in you. Then ask them out

In my experience, it is true. If we go by the past, it is true. I can't see things ever being different.

On the inside, I see myself as a great person, but sadly, my outer reality does not reflect that. Clearly, I'm deceived.

 

[truthhopejustice]

So, in order to have a relationship, I'm not allowed to be with someone I find sexually attractive?.

You said you found average looking women attractive. I think it's probably reasonable to assume you can marry an average looking girl. so no you dont have to be with someone you arent atracted to.

 

[defeatedchristian]

You said you found average looking women attractive. I think it's probably reasonable to assume you can marry an average looking girl. so no you dont have to be with someone you arent atracted to.

They are still well beyond my league. I would assume I am well below "average". For better, and sadly in this case, for worse, there is nothing average about me. Normally, people would probably end up with those they fancy, probably. But not always is this the case. I am one of those.

As I said, I've already talked to the Lord about this. He knows I won't change in this manner, so my only other recourse is for Him to take away the desire supernaturally, and live my life as I have been, a relatively happy, free, single man. That is my only option at this point in my life.

 

[truthhopejustice]

They are still well beyond my league. I would assume I am well below "average". For better, and sadly in this case, for worse, there is nothing average about me. Normally, people would probably end up with those they fancy, probably. But not always is this the case. I am one of those.

As I said, I've already talked to the Lord about this. He knows I won't change in this manner, so my only other recourse is for Him to take away the desire supernaturally, and live my life as I have been, a relatively happy, free, single man. That is my only option at this point in my life.

Women are less visual and a good woman will care about finding a man who can love her and treat her with respect. If you can do those things you can be with a girl you find attractive, I'm quite sure.

But you have to sift through the shallow ones, lots of shallow ones, to find her. You can do it though I know it seems impossible right now but it's true.

Maybe you need a motivational coach or something to get you believing in yourself again.

 

[BFine]

My brother is 51 and never been married, he's still looking for a godly wife.

You are far too young to be so down on yourself...you have a lot to bring to
the table if you would look at things that honor God.

My nephew is in his 30's and he's still in the I'm not ready to settle down mode.
He recently got his own place and is enjoying standing on his own two feet!

I know only a handful of classmates who married in their twenties and are still
with their spouses...far too many have been married more than two times and
those marriages are not in good shape either.

God cares a lot about you-- who else would send their own Son to pay
for your sin debt?
Be thankful for what you do have in the Lord.
Be thankful you are free to worship the Lord, own a bible
and attend church...there are Christians who are being persecuted
in other countries most severally.
Be thankful God has reserved you for something better, you ain't picky
for no reason, there's a purpose for it. Don't settle, but don't shut doors
on opportunities either...take time to get to know someone when the
opportunity is available to you.

It has been noted that Billy Graham fell in love with Ruth the minute he
saw her but she wasn't so quick to follow suit...it took time for her to be
sure, and they courted through out college.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I'll just throw this out there. Maybe you are trying to hard. Focusing to much on finding someone. For me I spent about the same amount of time if not more looking endlessly. In real life, then online. Paying for subscriptions like crazy. Then one day someone told me maybe I had made it an idol accidently. Looking back I had made it an idol. Some morning I would skip church so I could check my eharmony account instead. I had read my bible less, prayed less and so on. I prayed for forgiveness and let God handle my love life. I closed my online accounts.

Not to long after all this I went to close an account at ChristianDatingForFree (dot) com. But I had a message in my box. I checked it and seen it was a woman from the Philippines. I figured probably a scam artists not to mention I was disabled. As if that would work out from a distance. Well after talking to this woman we really hit it off. There was a feeling, not the typical feeling of "This is the one" that always lead me astray. This was as if God had his hand on my shoulder saying "Trust me!".

So long and the short of it is we just got married in her country last month. Shes an amazing loving, loyal woman. We know Gods been blessing us the whole time. She to had the same struggle of not finding anyone and also made it her life. So she happened to give God control of her love life to when she ran across my profile and though I looked like a God fearing man.

So don't give up. God has a plan. It may take a long time, it may be tomorrow morning. But it will happen. Just first make sure finding someone isn't controlling your life. God may be holding back the blessing until you do. BTW I am 31 and shes 27. My dads friend didn't find his spouse until God brought her into his life at 45.

 

[achristian2]

God cares a lot about you-- who else would send their own Son to pay
for your sin debt?
Be thankful for what you do have in the Lord.
Be thankful you are free to worship the Lord, own a bible
and attend church...there are Christians who are being persecuted
in other countries most severally.
Be thankful God has reserved you for something better, you ain't picky
for no reason, there's a purpose for it. Don't settle, but don't shut doors
on opportunities either...take time to get to know someone when the
opportunity is available to you.

I've only read a handful of the posts here but I was completely struck by this. I do not know why, but somehow this time the word thankful struck me hard ie BE THANKFUL for what you do have in the Lord, BE THANKFUL ..........

Yes, we need to be thankful because God is with us.

I know the struggle is not easy, but spend your time pursuing God first and may God grant you the desire of your heart which is in God's will. I pray that you will find peace in God. I am praying for God's peace and joy for myself too.

 

[ValleyGal]

I'm shy and being my age and still alone is pathetic.

I have a great personality. I know it's not internal things keeping me single. God could bring me somebody great even if I'm a goblin. But I wouldn't want that anyway. Sigh. I'm stuck no matter what. I won't settle, but I also can't get a good looking woman. But I won't settle, and even if God did bring me somebody, I would not want her anyway because I know she would not feel the same way. I'm really messed up. lol

Being alone in your 30s is normal. The age for marrying is getting later and later, and it is not uncommon for men to be in their mid to late 30s to do it. My husband was 42 when he married me, and I am his first. No, he is not ugly....I am very attracted to him, and he has a great personality. He is shy, too.

You say you have a great personality, and you know the problem is not an internal one. I would like to challenge you here. Your name is "defeated"christian. Your posts are full of defeat and hopelessness. As someone else has already pointed out, you do come across as defensive....someone offers a suggestion, but then you say "yeah, buuuut....." and look for a reason why you won't accept their suggestions. You are stuck on finding someone you are attracted to. This is normal, but I wonder if you put too much emphasis on this area. Here's the thing. In the Bible, men are admonished to "be satisfied with the wife of your youth and be captivated by her love." Appearance changes over time, so what you think of as beautiful should change to suit your wife's appearance. You might need to change your idea of what you are attracted to. I have seen very beautiful women whose personalities were so bad that they did not appear even pretty anymore. Inner beauty reflects on the outside - and this principle goes for you too. Your defeat makes you unattractive.

Now for the most challenging part. Please consider your way of thinking. This is important. All through the thread you seem to think that God owes you something, and he needs to cater to you - he needs to bring you a wife, he needs to make her attractive, he needs to take away the desire if it's not his will, he needs to do all the work and cater to what YOU want in a wife because he KNOWS what YOU want and he is obligated to provide for that. (That might sound a little harsh, but that's how it comes across). This is very unattractive to women who love the Lord. It's not about you. So rather than pray that God will go against his creation (creating the desire for marriage in humans) pray that you will find someone who has a heart for him, and pray that you have a heart for him. How can YOU glorify GOD in this, rather than him catering to what YOU want.

So while you might have a great personality, I am challenging you on what might be a less than desirable mindset. Be teachable by God, be open to God's possibilities, be God-centred in your thinking. Seek his will rather than your own.

Now, there is one more point I'd like to comment on. Throughout history there have been many, many cultures where marrying for love or attraction was not on the table. In fact, even in North America, it is a relatively recent historical shift. People have historically married for practical reasons or for the cultural practice of arranged marriage. Often the way a spouse was found was "goodness of fit." It has to do with suitability, compatibility. Even if they are in arranged marriage or married for convenience, love can and often does, develop. This could happen in a mail order situation. My understanding is that you don't just pick one from a catalogue and pay for her. My understanding is that you are given the opportunity to meet and figure out whether you are a good fit.

I hope you will be open to all I had to say. It might seem harsh and critical, but you came here looking for advice....my advice is to change your patterns of thinking...

 

[Maremma]

Well I am glad to hear you say you are no longer angry at God but you still seem to have the wrong ideas. Going from one extreme to the other is only going to get you hurt too. You said that you feel it is not up to God it is up to you. No it is something that you and He do TOGETHER to be the right mate.
Trust me when I tell you this much, you on your own would surely wind up just as hurt and probably more so than you are now. This is a very serious decision in life. It has lifelong ramifications.
I know it is hard to "wait" on the Lord as our timing is so different than His. If you truly want the desire for a mate to be gone you would need to stop the focus on finding one. You would have to focus on other things and let that fade from your thoughts.
My son has absolutely no desire to find a mate anymore.He had girlfriends before he got saved and he had two after he got saved. They both hurt him too. He said he chose to focus strictly on God and studying and as he grew in the Lord the desire to find a mate just faded away. He has been single for several years now and will be 29 real soon here. He is perfectly content just the way he is.
My daughter's husband had suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to be with my daughter. Of course she was devastated at first. She is now at the point where she is also saying that she is so much happier being single and does not even want to pursue another relationship. She just wants to spend her time getting closer to God and building her relationship with Him. She said maybe somewhere down the road she may change her mind but at this point she has no desire to have a man in her life.
Most recently my own husband also decided he "wants a new life" and wanted me to leave. He immediately moved another woman into our home.
I myself also have no desire to be with another mate. I much prefer God as my life partner.
I personally believe we are living in the end times and God is working diligently to pull all His people as close to Him as possible as quickly as possible and more often than not single people are the ones that can attain that deeper closeness and deeper faith compared to married people.
Single people are not divided between God and spouse.

 

[Inkachu]

You can't force God's hand in something. The solution to all our desires is to seek God more intimately. The Bible says, seek FIRST His kingdom and righteousness, and then other things will be given to you, such as the things you want and need. You aren't the only single Christian who's waited a long time. God isn't singling you out to be a martyr. I waited 34 years to meet my husband. Take all the time and energy that you're using to complain and feel hopeless, and turn it into praise and worship for the good things you DO have, read your Bible more, pray more, get busy doing good things for the Lord around your community and your church. God knows what He's doing, dude. He'll tell you when the time is right. Keep your eyes open, by all means, I'm not saying lock yourself away and become a monk. But stop focusing on "meet someone, meet someone, meet someone" and put ALL of your focus on God. Find your peace and contentment in Him, even if that means being single for even longer than you have been. God wants to be your everything FIRST... and then He'll be able to start blessing you with the desires of your heart.

 

[TruelyLiveForHim]

have you thought about filling up your life with other things so you won't be so focused on this aspect of it?

I mean, by all mean, keep praying and keep looking, I am sure if times is right and having spouse is right for you, God will bring her into life, but...

Anyway, women find guys who are active and out there engage in things such as charity work and have active interests more attractive.....

 

[Inkachu]

Seriously, a guy who is physically "average" but is secure, confident, friendly, engaged, active, and has a purpose, is wayyyyyyy more attractive than a GQ model with a sour puss, woe is me, life's unfair mentality.

 

[CaraGrace]

I totally agree with you Inkachu!! I think a aberage guy is better than a pretty-boy jerk face!!

 

[defeatedchristian]

It's only in the Christian community that I am lambasted for wanting to be married. I don't get that with ordinary, secular people. I wonder why?

I don't recall in one place where I said "God owes me this". Where did I say that? Nowhere.

 

[ValleyGal]

From Post 8 by defeatedchristian, bolding mine:

This is why I specifically asked Him that if I can not have the type of relationship that I want with the type of person that I want, then He may as well just remove any desire for me to ever find anyone. I'd rather be alone than suffer with someone I don't like. I think that is only fair. So if God is truly only able to bring me someone according to this standard, then He is not all powerful. However, my Bible says "Is anything too hard for the LORD?" The answer is no, of course.

I want to clarify something here. You're thinking I'm desperate to get married just for the sake of being married. That's not me and it never will be. If God is that ignorant of who I am, then I guess He doesn't know me personally, contrary to what I was always taught by the church. He doesn't know me at all. If He did, He would know I'm not going to just settle for anybody. I have standards and I would think He would know that.

That sounds an awful lot like "it's all about me and God better cater to what I want because his standards are not good enough for me. I won't settle for whoever he brings my way. I want my own way."

I am not lambasting you for wanting to be married. It is totally natural, a God-given desire to be married. There is nothing wrong with that, and he will not go against his own creation and take away your desire. What I am saying, though, is that there might be a reason you are not married, and it might be a very good reason. A reason only God might know. But from what I see, there is another reason - and that is a mindset that needs to change and come into alignment with what God wants. It is not your will.....it is God's that matters.

You said it is not internal things that are keeping you single. But I am saying your thinking is internal, and I am sure this attitude is keeping you single. It is not easy to hear the truth....but I pray that you have a teachable heart. If you want a wife, the best way to have one is to get right with God, to grow and mature as a believer, putting God's will above your own.

 

[defeatedchristian]

From Post 8 by defeatedchristian, bolding mine:


That sounds an awful lot like "it's all about me and God better cater to what I want because his standards are not good enough for me. I won't settle for whoever he brings my way. I want my own way."

I am not lambasting you for wanting to be married. It is totally natural, a God-given desire to be married. There is nothing wrong with that, and he will not go against his own creation and take away your desire. What I am saying, though, is that there might be a reason you are not married, and it might be a very good reason. A reason only God might know. But from what I see, there is another reason - and that is a mindset that needs to change and come into alignment with what God wants. It is not your will.....it is God's that matters.

You said it is not internal things that are keeping you single. But I am saying your thinking is internal, and I am sure this attitude is keeping you single. It is not easy to hear the truth....but I pray that you have a teachable heart. If you want a wife, the best way to have one is to get right with God, to grow and mature as a believer, putting God's will above your own.

So wanting someone who is a BELIEVER that I can get along with and be attracted to is a sin? That is what you are saying here.

So, according to you, you know God's will, and it's for me to settle for someone I would have no interest in? What is your basis for such a claim? Most of the time when people claim to speak for God, they aren't, so I need something beyond just a claim that this is God's will.

 

[ValleyGal]

I am not saying wanting a believer is a sin. Nor is attraction a sin. But I am also saying it's your attitude that needs changing, not your desires. You expect God to cater to you. Now, if he were to bring you someone who was even a little less than average, or a little overweight for your taste, and he presented her to you as a wife, you would decline because she is not up to YOUR standards. That is how you come across. You come across as haughty, as proud, too proud to take someone who is not up to YOUR standards, but might be God's standard for you. I don't really think Hosea was really impressed with God's choice of wife for him. But he married her because he was mature and wise, and recognized there was more to his marriage than just his own satisfaction for a trophy wife.

I am not saying I know God's will for your life. I am saying that you must align your will to God's will, so you want what HE wants....not what YOU want or think he should give you just because you say so. There are couples all over the Bible who I'm sure were not terribly delighted in their marriage partner....women who were raped were made to marry their rapist. And the rapist might not exactly be happy having to live with a resentful wife. How happy do you think Adam was when Eve lead him to sin? How happy do you think Bathsheba was when she was forced to be with King David? In fact, how happy do you think his other wives were about it? There were also the men who had to marry their sisters-in-law, if her husband died leaving her childless. I'm sure there were not a lot of happy men out there.

It's not about you. That is all I'm saying that needs to change. Your mindset. You need to align your thinking with God's thinking. There is a far bigger purpose to marriage than your pleasure and happiness. Marriage is hard work, and if you just think it's all about you, no woman will be very happy about it, and I can guarantee that God will not be happy about it. You need to yield this area of your life to God, for his glory. This is biblical.

And as a woman who knows what to look for in a spouse, I am telling you that your defeatest, hopeless, haughty attitude is terribly unattractive to women. You say you want a wife, but women will not be attracted to you until you change your mindset. Pray this over, talk it over with God, talk it over with a trusted male friend or mentor at church, and you will know this is the truth.