Need Help! Marriage troubles and my kids

[malloriesDad]

Hello all, my wife and I are having some major problems in our marrige. Long story short, I have two small children, 6 & 4 years of age. My wife is always telling them that one day mommy and daddy will be living in different homes.....It angers me to no end when she does this. They are too young to understand this. She is always saying things like that.....yesterday morning she blew up at me and started throwing things in the other room. Last night I wasn't in the room and apparently she asked my oldest if she wanted mommy and daddy to live in different homes....well my oldest, she is 6, said that she wanted her to leave and she wanted to live with Daddy because she mommy is mean to daddy.

You don't know how much this hurts my heart, to hear her have to say this. I don't want to seperate, I love my wife and want her to get help, but she won't right now. She isn't, we aren't happy together. I don't know what to do.

What, how do I talk to my daughters, my youngest won't understand, but my oldest does? I try to re-assure her and tell her that mommy and daddy love her very much, but I just don't want this to affect her to the point it scares her. I'm so upset and feel like a failure as a father, such a failure.....

 

[Mayzoo]

I would say find a way to start the conversation, and let her lead from there with as little prompting from you as possible. Let her ask any question she has, and answer them honestly. For example, if she asks if you and mommy will live separately, don't answer with rose colored glasses on, be honest and tell her you do not know, but no matter where you two live, you both will always love her and be part of her life. All your answers should be honest, kids can sniff out disingenuous answers even at 6. Emphasis that no matter what happens you both love her and will always be in her life. Of course, tell her you two fighting is not her fault no matter the subject matter.

There are tons of books on talking to kids in this situation if you have trouble with the conversation.

 

[malloriesDad]

I would say find a way to start the conversation, and let her lead from there with as little prompting from you as possible. Let her ask any question she has, and answer them honestly. For example, if she asks if you and mommy will live separately, don't answer with rose colored glasses on, be honest and tell her you do not know, but no matter where you two live, you both will always love her and be part of her life. All your answers should be honest, kids can sniff out disingenuous answers even at 6. Emphasis that no matter what happens you both love her and will always be in her life. Of course, tell her you two fighting is not her fault no matter the subject matter.

There are tons of books on talking to kids in this situation if you have trouble with the conversation.

Thanks, thats kind of what i've done so far....It just breaks my heart to have to explain this to her.....Up until a few months ago I thought I would grow old with my wife and have a happy family together. Now she is talking about divorce all the time, she is not the same person, she is not my wife I married. She has changed somehow, it's like she is reverting back to her single self again.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I think having her talk to a counselor through school would be a good idea. She is obviously stressed out by this and having someone other than mommy or daddy to talk to about it provides her with a neutral "safe" person. Yes, it's important that she feels like she can come to you, but she also needs someone else removed from the situation to share things with when they are troubling her.

My older son was 4 when my ex and I separated. Even at that age, he had questions, so I wouldn't dismiss the needs of your younger daughter or be too quick to think she is too young to understand. She will have questions, too.