Need advice on dealing with a bad spouse

[Aibrean]

There are Christian counselors out there you know

 

[Dogbean]

The only way I can divorce her is if I can prove adultery, right?

 

[Aibrean]

No. If she wants to leave you. When you are unequally yoked, that is the loophole. But she has to want to leave you, not the other way around.

 

[chrissponias]

The signs are very bad. You have to be realistic. I believe that you insistence with this marriage is a mistake, because your wife doesn’t respect you.

You have the right to have your freedom, since you are a victim in this case. Your life with your wife is pure torture for you, therefore you must separate her, before something worse happens between you. You could explode one day and be too violent with her, losing completely the control of your behavior.

God won’t consider you a sinner and blame you for separating this woman, because you have tried hard, you were patient and you did everything you could. However, she doesn’t care about anything, and she won’t change.

You had better have a divorce. Consult a lawyer about this matter.

Your children can feel what is happening, and they are not happy with this situation too.

 

[Dogbean]

No. If she wants to leave you. When you are unequally yoked, that is the loophole. But she has to want to leave you, not the other way around.

She pretty much told me she's not going anywhere. Howerver, she is miserable. Why woudl someone want to doom themselves to a lifetime of misery, just for spite? It's really sad seeing the way she is....the way she treats her friends and family so politely, but me like crap! And I'm actually nice to her, and I don't try to take advantage of her the way they do. 1 cor 7 says if she commits adultery then I have the right to divorce her. But you are right, it does say I have to stay, being the believer. Why would God want me to be under such misery? She'll never change.

 

[Dogbean]

The signs are very bad. You have to be realistic. I believe that you insistence with this marriage is a mistake, because your wife doesn’t respect you.

You have the right to have your freedom, since you are a victim in this case. Your life with your wife is pure torture for you, therefore you must separate her, before something worse happens between you. You could explode one day and be too violent with her, losing completely the control of your behavior.

God won’t consider you a sinner and blame you for separating this woman, because you have tried hard, you were patient and you did everything you could. However, she doesn’t care about anything, and she won’t change.

You had better have a divorce. Consult a lawyer about this matter.

Your children can feel what is happening, and they are not happy with this situation too.

This is bad......the situation I'm in. There has to be a point where God would allow it, to keep my sanity and the children's too.

 

[Aibrean]

Adultery too can get you out of it but you can't act on suspicion.

 

[Dogbean]

Why would God want me in such a prolonged, miserable mess? Especially since I lost my first wife to death? She was a wonderful woman of God.

 

[Aibrean]

Did you marry her before or after you became a Christian?

 

[christandisrael]

The Bible says that you are together, but she is the one who has the option to get out....

 

[Dogbean]

Did you marry her before or after you became a Christian?

Way after. My first wife was a Christian, but she died. I've been saved for 20 years now. I may have gotten married too soon after her death, and I was fooled into thinking my current wife was a believer. For three years I've clung to the hope that she was, but the evidence was not there, and not consistent. I've finally accepted that I've married someone who I'm fairly certain is unsaved. She is so hostile toward God, and Biblical principles, and holds onto her pride and anger. I can't judge, but I cannot see how someone can be saved and act the way she does, say the tings she says, and walk all over her husband like this.

 

[Trogdor the Burninator]

Why would God want me in such a prolonged, miserable mess? Especially since I lost my first wife to death? She was a wonderful woman of God.

I don't think that God does want you to be miserable. Unfortunately, and sorry to be blunt, but it's unfortunate that you remarried a non-Christian, and that fact plus your spouse's personal issues would seem to be the cause of much of your unhappiness.

Please don't take that the wrong way though, we are all sinful and we all make mistakes. That's why we need God's forgiveness. None of us is "better" than any other.

As for divorce, I don't think that God would want you spending your married life with this person hanging out for some legalistic reason to separate. That's just like the pharisees.

While it's clear that God doesn't want people to divorce, his forgiveness is enough for us regardless. That doesn't make divorce a first option, or even a good option at all. But if the alternative, once you've tried everything, is to live a life in misery then it may be the only option left (especially for the health of your kids)

In the meantime, try talking to your pastor and your wife if she'll listen, and get your friends to pray for you.

 

[Aibrean]

God wants us to be in harmony with our spouses. To be in full harmony, God needs to be in the center of it. That is WHY we are not to be unequally yoked. If you followed scripture in this matter you wouldn't be in this situation so you shouldn't be blaming God when it was warned.

For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Dogbean, I'll pray for you and I sincerely wish you all the best.

All I can suggest is you do your best to persevere. Remember there are two sides to every story, and there are probably things you do that upset her as much as things she does upset her. You said shes sick and not sleeping well... if thats the case, is it possible that the reason she is being irritable and unpleasant because she's feeling tired and sick?

Its also possible that being sick and tired, as well as major changes in attitude and personality are related to some underlying health problem that needs help. If she's not interested in going to couples councilling, maybe she'd be prepared to talk to a trusted doctor? Maybe her own therapist would help too? You can't FORCE her to go, obviously, but maybe thats a direction you can encourage her to go, and try not to sound judgemental while you're doing it.

Finally, really REALLY avoid making comparisons with your first wife. These are different people, and of course they're going to be different. Its great that you love your first wife and you remember her fondly, but remember, humans have a tendency to embellish memories and remember the good things and gloss over the bad... especially when in a difficult contemporary situation, we ALL have a tendency to think back to "the good old days" even if "the good old days" are largely a figment of our imagination. But even if thats not the case, if you're constantly comparing your current wife to your first, and thinking "my first wife was SO much better!", first of all your convincing yourself that your second wife doesn't measure up, and second, you're going to treat her like she's second best, and believe me, whether you intend to treat her differently or not, she WILL pick up on it if you're not treating her and thinking of her by herself, rather than comparing her to your first wife.

Patience, love, understanding, and try doing something to break the current cycle, like a BIG gesture.

 

[KLAVernon]

I dont know if you have ever read the book or seen the movie Fireproof (the book would be a better route to take if you have time and feel like checking it out) but it is completely based on this situation.... there's even another book called The Love Dare that is meant to guide you along if you choose to try what the characters in the book did. This gave me a lot of insight on my relationship and I think it could really help you if you have the time.

God Bless

 

[Dogbean]

God wants us to be in harmony with our spouses. To be in full harmony, God needs to be in the center of it. That is WHY we are not to be unequally yoked. If you followed scripture in this matter you wouldn't be in this situation so you shouldn't be blaming God when it was warned.

I'm not blaming God; I understand my mistake and I am admitting it. I was fooled, by her, and at the time I was lonely and maybe had not completed grieving yet.

 

[Dogbean]

Dogbean, I'll pray for you and I sincerely wish you all the best.

All I can suggest is you do your best to persevere. Remember there are two sides to every story, and there are probably things you do that upset her as much as things she does upset her. You said shes sick and not sleeping well... if thats the case, is it possible that the reason she is being irritable and unpleasant because she's feeling tired and sick?

Its also possible that being sick and tired, as well as major changes in attitude and personality are related to some underlying health problem that needs help. If she's not interested in going to couples councilling, maybe she'd be prepared to talk to a trusted doctor? Maybe her own therapist would help too? You can't FORCE her to go, obviously, but maybe thats a direction you can encourage her to go, and try not to sound judgemental while you're doing it.

Finally, really REALLY avoid making comparisons with your first wife. These are different people, and of course they're going to be different. Its great that you love your first wife and you remember her fondly, but remember, humans have a tendency to embellish memories and remember the good things and gloss over the bad... especially when in a difficult contemporary situation, we ALL have a tendency to think back to "the good old days" even if "the good old days" are largely a figment of our imagination. But even if thats not the case, if you're constantly comparing your current wife to your first, and thinking "my first wife was SO much better!", first of all your convincing yourself that your second wife doesn't measure up, and second, you're going to treat her like she's second best, and believe me, whether you intend to treat her differently or not, she WILL pick up on it if you're not treating her and thinking of her by herself, rather than comparing her to your first wife.

Patience, love, understanding, and try doing something to break the current cycle, like a BIG gesture.

Thanks EP2....nice to see you again.

I have only compared them in conversations with other people. I never do it iwth my current wife. Sometimes she compares herself, and feels she can't measure up, but I never bring it out of her. I know that is sensitive for her and I don't bring it up. I've encouraged her with the counseling thing, but she won't go, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to keep up with her own doctors visits. She's bad at that....just the way she's always been. Good advice...I'll keep trying.

 

[Dogbean]

I dont know if you have ever read the book or seen the movie Fireproof (the book would be a better route to take if you have time and feel like checking it out) but it is completely based on this situation.... there's even another book called The Love Dare that is meant to guide you along if you choose to try what the characters in the book did. This gave me a lot of insight on my relationship and I think it could really help you if you have the time.

God Bless

Love the movie, and we have watched it. We own it. We watched it when times were a bit better, and it made us both cry. If i asked her to watch it with me now she'd just mock my attempt, as she has made it very clear she does not want Jesus in her life, and does not love God the way I do. She won't accept Him until God does a work in her heart.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Thanks EP2....nice to see you again.

I have only compared them in conversations with other people. I never do it iwth my current wife. Sometimes she compares herself, and feels she can't measure up, but I never bring it out of her. I know that is sensitive for her and I don't bring it up. I've encouraged her with the counseling thing, but she won't go, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to keep up with her own doctors visits. She's bad at that....just the way she's always been. Good advice...I'll keep trying.

All the best Dogbean. Hope this situatiuation resolves for the best for both of you. Other than patience and perserverence, I don't know what else to tell you, but still hoping and praying for you.

 

[Dogbean]

My wife has a strong Bible-believing Christian friend visiting the house....someone with rock-solid, deep faith who will tell you like it is. And I'll be working all weekend....so hopefully they get to talk, without me in the way, and my wife gets some hard hitting truth pounded into her head! Let's pray for that!