Need advice on dealing with a bad spouse

[Dogbean]

I've posted here several times about problems with my wife. She is not a believer, and we have our ups and downs. Right now we are in a really long down period, that just drags on and is getting worse. Our marriage pretty much only exists on paper at the moment. The love is not there, on both sides, and we both annoy eachother to no end. She has no idea what a marriage is supposed to be like, and my efforts to love her, help her, and show her are met with opposition and mocking and insults. She does not see eye to eye with me on my faith, and even makes fun of me for it....for example, some sex gadget came on the home shopping channel and she points at the screen and goes "Look hun, it's SIN!!!!" I said "If you don't like my faith that's fine, if you don't agree that's fine, but do not make fun of me for it!" She does not sleep well, she is sick all the time, she is mean and spiteful, she uses obscene language in the house even though I have repeated asked her over the years to keep it clean around the kids and me, and she refuses to do this courtesy for me. She thinks I want her to worship me which is not true! I wait on her hand and foot, and I stay patient and calm even though she's angry all the time. She has told me to my face that I am the person she respects the least in her life. She is CONSTANTLY texting and typing on the computer, and is so secretive about who she talks to and I don't even know anything about her life, her struggles, her problems anymore, becsause she never opens up to me. I went to see my pastor, and he said I still have to stay married to her and keep on loving her. I do that, because I promised to, but I'm not feeling it. I feel no romantic love at all anymore, and can't stand her presence, especially since she makes it a point to push my buttons and spit in my face. What do I do? How long do I have to put up with this? My first wife died, and she was awesome. Her death was for no reason at all. I think I made a mistake marrying the person I am with now and I wnat to be single again! My kids and I deserve better and I can't hold out forever!

Abd before you give me the standard "you guys need counselling" response that you always give me, my wife refuses to go. I get myself help from the pastor, but she refuses, and is convinced it does not help. I tried that so come up iwth something new please. I don't want to hear "You need professional help!"

Thanks
D

 

[freeport]

I've posted here several times about problems with my wife. She is not a believer, and we have our ups and downs. Right now we are in a really long down period, that just drags on and is getting worse. Our marriage pretty much only exists on paper at the moment. The love is not there, on both sides, and we both annoy eachother to no end. She has no idea what a marriage is supposed to be like, and my efforts to love her, help her, and show her are met with opposition and mocking and insults. She does not see eye to eye with me on my faith, and even makes fun of me for it....for example, some sex gadget came on the home shopping channel and she points at the screen and goes "Look hun, it's SIN!!!!" I said "If you don't like my faith that's fine, if you don't agree that's fine, but do not make fun of me for it!" She does not sleep well, she is sick all the time, she is mean and spiteful, she uses obscene language in the house even though I have repeated asked her over the years to keep it clean around the kids and me, and she refuses to do this courtesy for me. She thinks I want her to worship me which is not true! I wait on her hand and foot, and I stay patient and calm even though she's angry all the time. She has told me to my face that I am the person she respects the least in her life. She is CONSTANTLY texting and typing on the computer, and is so secretive about who she talks to and I don't even know anything about her life, her struggles, her problems anymore, becsause she never opens up to me. I went to see my pastor, and he said I still have to stay married to her and keep on loving her. I do that, because I promised to, but I'm not feeling it. I feel no romantic love at all anymore, and can't stand her presence, especially since she makes it a point to push my buttons and spit in my face. What do I do? How long do I have to put up with this? My first wife died, and she was awesome. Her death was for no reason at all. I think I made a mistake marrying the person I am with now and I wnat to be single again! My kids and I deserve better and I can't hold out forever!

Abd before you give me the standard "you guys need counselling" response that you always give me, my wife refuses to go. I get myself help from the pastor, but she refuses, and is convinced it does not help. I tried that so come up iwth something new please. I don't want to hear "You need professional help!"

Thanks
D

I wouldn't be surprised if she is cheating, it doesn't sound like anything is holding her back... and you have no position there.

You can not be a carpet to walk on. That is not what relationships are about. We have emotions. Emotions like anger or sorrow have a purpose: to change behavior.

We also have a responsibility to state our case. If it is an important matter, you can not give up.


Ultimately, however, everything is in God's hands, so prayer is what matters, and hoping for God's grace.


I do not know why she does not respect you, some disrespect is expected, but a respectable person needs to be able to make their case and show why they are respectable. That is required for confidence.


It may be you have doubts behind your behavior. It sounds like you must have some serious self-doubts.

I would look at those and address them.

 

[Dogbean]

I have no self doubt. My faith has never been stronger, and I have never been bolder in stating my case and laying out what I want for the family. It's not that she walks all over me, it's that she doesn't care about anybody but herself. And she states the kids are why she stays with me, and she said to my face she is willing to endure a crappy marriage iwth me to stay iwth the kids. Let me clarify that I have 3 of my own from my first wife who died, and she had two of her own previously. 5 total. But we have none together.

I want to get out of this because this is not a marriage. God has called us to live in peace, but how can I live in peace when my own spouse continues to take cheap shots at me within my own home when I seek to improve things, or seek to be peaceful myself by avoiding conflict? She has such a warped view of the world it's sickening. She does so many things to spite me, and her priorities have become misplaced. She is so lost!

 

[Big Country]

1 Cor 7:12-16 was written to address your very specific circumstance.

God has called us to live in peace...

Not true. See Matt 10:34-36.

Eph 5:25-33 lays out several responsibilities for husbands. Obeying these commands is not conditional on the wife's positive response, although that does make it easier. Loving your wife, sacrificing for her, making her a priority - these things are an act of obedience to God not merely a service to your wife. See also Colossians 3:19.

How long do I have to put up with this?

Jesus basically said that we've been forgiven infinite times over, thus we should forgive others inifinite times over (Matt 18:21-35).

My advice is to stop thinking about how you can get out of this marriage or how you can change her and start thinking about how you can glorify God in a difficult situation. Cloak the whole situation with prayer and demonstrate the fruits of the spirit. It'll eventually have the effect you desire (your wife to come to Christ) or it'll drive her away, in which case you're freed to let her go.

 

[Dogbean]

It is true! 1 cor 7 says

12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

I and many people have been praying for this, and it just gets worse. It's not good for the kids, it's not good for me or her, and eventually could spill over into loss of focus at work and work problems. My first wife died, for no reason at all. I've been laid off 3 times. I'm not comparing myself to Job, but I've had enough! Is a good marriage and a pleasant home life too much to ask for? I can achieve this as a single dad. I've wised up over the years and I'm stronger in my faith than ever. I know what God calls us to do in marriage, but does He really want us to get walked on in our own home by mean, spiteful people? Can't God accept that I screwed up and let me undo my mistake? Or am I stuck with this evil person who wants to make me miserable for fun?!?!?!?!??!

 

[freeport]

I have no self doubt. My faith has never been stronger, and I have never been bolder in stating my case and laying out what I want for the family. It's not that she walks all over me, it's that she doesn't care about anybody but herself. And she states the kids are why she stays with me, and she said to my face she is willing to endure a crappy marriage iwth me to stay iwth the kids. Let me clarify that I have 3 of my own from my first wife who died, and she had two of her own previously. 5 total. But we have none together.

I want to get out of this because this is not a marriage. God has called us to live in peace, but how can I live in peace when my own spouse continues to take cheap shots at me within my own home when I seek to improve things, or seek to be peaceful myself by avoiding conflict? She has such a warped view of the world it's sickening. She does so many things to spite me, and her priorities have become misplaced. She is so lost!

Try to look beyond that and ride it out... try and keep your peace, despite her behavior. I am just wondering how you got into this, but now that you are, you do have to stick to it and strive to make it work. Even if she is cheating on you, you want to do that.


It is a horrible situation, I can only feel for you on that. I would look for hope, as impossible as that appears right now. People can and do change. There has to be good in the relationship -- somewhere.

Slights, abuse... we have to roll with that. Is it really "all the time", or just "some of the time"? And how much is some of the time?

It is important to find the good, hold to it, and not blow things up... relationships will have arguments, but are they really constant? What about the good times? How can the good times be expanded, and the bad times be made more short?

 

[freeport]

It is true! 1 cor 7 says

I and many people have been praying for this, and it just gets worse. It's not good for the kids, it's not good for me or her, and eventually could spill over into loss of focus at work and work problems. My first wife died, for no reason at all. I've been laid off 3 times. I'm not comparing myself to Job, but I've had enough! Is a good marriage and a pleasant home life too much to ask for? I can achieve this as a single dad. I've wised up over the years and I'm stronger in my faith than ever. I know what God calls us to do in marriage, but does He really want us to get walked on in our own home by mean, spiteful people? Can't God accept that I screwed up and let me undo my mistake? Or am I stuck with this evil person who wants to make me miserable for fun?!?!?!?!??!

You have to have the impossible hope and expect and want change...


Take a break. Relax. Separate yourself, mentally and in heart, and look back at the situation.


If she finally decides to depart -- that should be her choice, and not something we seek, nor even think of (for especially in relationships we find the secret thoughts of our heart eventually comes out, so always be right in heart).

 

[*Charis*]

Hello Dogbean,
Was your current wife widowed also, or divorced?

 

[Dogbean]

Try to look beyond that and ride it out... try and keep your peace, despite her behavior. I am just wondering how you got into this, but now that you are, you do have to stick to it and strive to make it work. Even if she is cheating on you, you want to do that.
It is a horrible situation, I can only feel for you on that. I would look for hope, as impossible as that appears right now. People can and do change. There has to be good in the relationship -- somewhere.
Slights, abuse... we have to roll with that. Is it really "all the time", or just "some of the time"? And how much is some of the time?
It is important to find the good, hold to it, and not blow things up... relationships will have arguments, but are they really constant? What about the good times? How can the good times be expanded, and the bad times be made more short?

Tough to do, Freeport. Would it be wrong to trade rooms with one of my kids? Sometimes her kids like to sleep with her when I'm on night shift. Would it be wrong to let them sleep with her all the time and let me live in his room for a while? There I can be guaranteed peace, because when it comes to sleeping, she is very inconsiderate; watches TV almost 24 hours a day because of her sleeping issues, and is on the computer and iphone the whole day. I swear her iphone is surgically attached to her hand! LOL

You have to have the impossible hope and expect and want change...
Take a break. Relax. Separate yourself, mentally and in heart, and look back at the situation.
If she finally decides to depart -- that should be her choice, and not something we seek, nor even think of (for especially in relationships we find the secret thoughts of our heart eventually comes out, so always be right in heart).

I understand 1 cor 7, and that I as the CHristian cannot initiate divorce unless I can prove she cheated. I don't have much reason to suspect cheating, but some signs are there. She's just so blah right now.

Hello Dogbean,
Was your current wife widowed also, or divorced?

Never married before, but had two kids, with two different men, both of whom are alcoholics and drug users. She's had a crappy past. Nobody in her life or past has modelled a good marriage, so she really has no idea. She's so independent, built up so many walls, and I cannot reach her heart. And she covers up her pain with spiteful comments and attacks, and will not let me emotionally support her. I'm the number one person she wants to keep out of her heart.....sad.

 

[freeport]

Tough to do, Freeport. Would it be wrong to trade rooms with one of my kids? Sometimes her kids like to sleep with her when I'm on night shift. Would it be wrong to let them sleep with her all the time and let me live in his room for a while? There I can be guaranteed peace, because when it comes to sleeping, she is very inconsiderate; watches TV almost 24 hours a day because of her sleeping issues, and is on the computer and iphone the whole day. I swear her iphone is surgically attached to her hand! LOL


I understand 1 cor 7, and that I as the CHristian cannot initiate divorce unless I can prove she cheated. I don't have much reason to suspect cheating, but some signs are there. She's just so blah right now.

I am just throwing stuff out there, you are in the situation and ultimately have to make the right decisions, through the Spirit within who teaches us all things.


I have "sleeping issues", myself. My wife is on the phone constantly, I encourage that, as better then her feeling she has nothing to do. But, these are all separate situations, we have to take each situation as it comes... and with relationships, especially, it can be very dynamic.


I like to stay up late and sleep late. Hard for my wife to wrap her head around and my first wife wanted to kill me for it at times... but just who I am.


I make up for that in many ways. It is always compromise. But, in your case, sounds like the compromise-benefit ratio is really off.

 

[Dogbean]

I am just throwing stuff out there, you are in the situation and ultimately have to make the right decisions, through the Spirit within who teaches us all things.
I have "sleeping issues", myself. My wife is on the phone constantly, I encourage that, as better then her feeling she has nothing to do. But, these are all separate situations, we have to take each situation as it comes... and with relationships, especially, it can be very dynamic.
I like to stay up late and sleep late. Hard for my wife to wrap her head around and my first wife wanted to kill me for it at times... but just who I am.
I make up for that in many ways. It is always compromise. But, in your case, sounds like the compromise-benefit ratio is really off.

Yeah, her sleep schedule is backwards, and she gets a few hours broken sleep a day, if that. And she just barks commands at the kids from the bed, even if I'm sleeping next to her; very rude! But it gets to this sometimes...if I ask her to turn the TV down so I can sleep, she'll turn it up just to tick me off sometimes. Or she'll usually just refuse. And it's loud enough to hear through my earplugs. She'll push big bulky pillows into me when I'm sleeping and just be as rude as she can, piling her junk and trash on my nightstand sometimes instead of hers on her side. Stupid stuff. And all weekend she laid in bed, watching TV, typing on her computer, and on her iphone, except to go outside for her almighty smoke breaks (yes, she took up smoking through all this stress). She knows I hate that too. I told her I resent her feeding my hard earned money into Obama's socialist machine with her cigarette purchases (Obama raised taxes on cigs over 60% after he took office). It's so easy to take cheap shots at her, and I try to refrain. I would love to come home and see her in bed still, TV blaring, typing away her text messges, and say something like "Have another big, exciting day in bed?" I usually hold my tongue.

Would it be wrong for me to live in one of hte kids rooms?

 

[freeport]

Yeah, her sleep schedule is backwards, and she gets a few hours broken sleep a day, if that. And she just barks commands at the kids from the bed, even if I'm sleeping next to her; very rude! But it gets to this sometimes...if I ask her to turn the TV down so I can sleep, she'll turn it up just to tick me off sometimes. Or she'll usually just refuse. And it's loud enough to hear through my earplugs. She'll push big bulky pillows into me when I'm sleeping and just be as rude as she can, piling her junk and trash on my nightstand sometimes instead of hers on her side. Stupid stuff. And all weekend she laid in bed, watching TV, typing on her computer, and on her iphone, except to go outside for her almighty smoke breaks (yes, she took up smoking through all this stress). She knows I hate that too. I told her I resent her feeding my hard earned money into Obama's socialist machine with her cigarette purchases (Obama raised taxes on cigs over 60% after he took office). It's so easy to take cheap shots at her, and I try to refrain. I would love to come home and see her in bed still, TV blaring, typing away her text messges, and say something like "Have another big, exciting day in bed?" I usually hold my tongue.

Would it be wrong for me to live in one of hte kids rooms?

I would avoid those kinds of statements, that can really lead into a 'tit for tat' situation. Also, you should never compare her to your late wife.


There are always positives in relationships.


You have to focus on those and let people's differences fly.


There are times to be critical, but they should be rare and rarely repeated, is what I have found.


Otherwise, a relationship can spin out of control into a 'tit for tat', 'war of attrition', grudge fest.

 

[Dogbean]

Is it wrong to live in one of my kids rooms?
You didn't answer.

And I don't compare her to my late wife. She compares herself, on her own, to my late wife.

 

[Dogbean]

I am still waiting for an answer to whether or not it is ok to move into my son's room and have him sleep with her, to cut down on the rudeness and give us our own spaces for a while

 

[freeport]

Is it wrong to live in one of my kids rooms?
You didn't answer.

And I don't compare her to my late wife. She compares herself, on her own, to my late wife.

I thought you were half-joking about the kid's rooms.

Do you continue with the conversation about the late wife? Is there any good in the relationship at all? Any good times at all?

It can kill spouses to ever hear of a better past spouse. It can really deeply hurt them and if they think - if you do - think of her... they can sense that. They are that close, man and woman. Every thought has to be right, I have found.

 

[freeport]

I am still waiting for an answer to whether or not it is ok to move into my son's room and have him sleep with her, to cut down on the rudeness and give us our own spaces for a while

Might be good... I would really be trying to look at, "How can this impossible situation be salvaged". Yes, a miracle.

Do you do nothing to cause her consternation? The cigarrette smoking and dislike of her sleeping habits sounds like that is part of the battle. Sleeping, cigarrettes... people have their things they do. My wife is overweight. I could harp on that. She worries too much. I could harp on that. For our relationship, I can't.

 

[MLEN]

Ultimately, however, everything is in God's hands, so prayer is what matters, and hoping for God's grace.

I agree with freeport. There comes a point in our lives when we hit a wall and realize that we can depend on no-one else but God.

As I am a believer in fasting and praying over trying issues which seem to have no obvious solution, I would suggest trying that route.

 

[bliz]

Dogbean -
You chose to marry this woman. No one hog tied you and forced you into a shotgun wedding. You must have known she was not a Christian and what her previous life had been like. And now you would like her to be someone she is not.

Read the book of Hosea. Hosea was asked of God to be a living, breathing example of God's love for us in how he interacted with his wife. Are you willing to live out God's love for your wife? That's what you're being called to do.

You don't want to hear it, but you need some professional help. Make an appointment with a counselor and go. Invite you wife, but go on your own if she will not come. One person getting counseling can make positive changes in the marriage.
You can't change her, you can only change youself. I'm sure you don't think you need to change, but since none of us are perfect, there are always things that can be improved upon. If you want change, you need to be willing to be the first to change.

 

[Aibrean]

Not true. See Matt 10:34-36.

yes it is true, 1 Corinthians 7:15 (which you mentioned)

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

We are to live in peace with our spouses. The passage of Matthew is NOT in context towards marriage. It's toward Jesus making peace on earth. He didn't set out to make peace, he set out to be our salvation.

If your wife wants to leave you through divorce, that is Biblically okay since she is not a believer.

 

[Dogbean]

I am getting help....marriage help with my pastor. I don't need shrinks. I'm the more stable, God-centered one in the marriage. I'm not going to pay for humanist, worldly advice from a shrink when I get God centered advice from my pastor, who is just as qualified. It's still counselling. It's still helping me. And I know I'm not perfect.

I believe I've found the scriptural support I need to move out of the bedroom into another room.....
In Proverbs it says "Better to live on the corner of the rooftop than in the same home with a contentious wife." She uses various techniques in the bedroom to try to get me to be angry, because she is full of spite. If I take that weapon away from her, it will relieve a lot of stress as we give ourselves some space for a while while she works through her mental issues.