My Struggle

[WatersMoon110]

I was really unsure where to put this. I was both abused and forced to have an abortion, and I figured that less children might see it here (because I am really worried about upsetting anyone). If anyone feels that this thread should be moved, please feel free to contact a Mod and have it moved to the Abuse Recovery forum.

I was sexually abused from age 12 to age 16. When I was 15, he got me pregnant. Then he gave me an abortion in our basement.

This weekend marked the 9th anniversary of this horrible event. And I just had to write something, or I wouldn't be able to go about my everyday life anymore.

Some days I am just so angry about this. About being abused, about being made pregnant, about being made against my will to lose that pregnancy and thinking I was going to die because of that. It's hard to forget something like that, the whole month of thinking I was going to die, that something in me was broken and I was going to bleed to death.

But now, that I'm married, it scares me a little that I might have another child in the next couple of years. I guess I worry that it might be physically dangerous for me to have a child (I know I should get this checked, just so that I worry anymore, but I just can't make myself).

And somehow, I feel that this would make me an unfit parent. I don't know.

I think I'm going to add a "lost child" icon to myself. I think that dealing with this more openly might help me. I've always thought of it as a girl (even though there was no way to tell, and it was too early even if someone had looked), so I'll put that up.

 

[woman.at.the.well]

Hi Watersmoon!

First of all I'd like to invite you to our Abortion Recovery forum, found here: http://foru.ms/t1797953-abortion-recovery-room.html Please know most of us are not trained phsychiatrists or psychologists or counselors -- we are mostly an "ear" and some encouragement for those who have been through abortion on that abortion recovery thread.

We have several ladies (and even some men from time to time) who come in to encourage us and listen when we need to talk. Either via a pm or in the thread if you feel comfortable with public discussion about your situation.

Second, I would suggest you going to this website: http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/resources/index.html#national and trying to find a group close to you if at all possible to get involved with for support and encouragement. Although I myself personally have been trained as a counselor at our local pregnancy care ctr. I am not trained in dealing with things such as abuse. But there are people out there who can help you.

Third, just know we are here for you. PM myself or any of the ladies in the recovery thread and we will gladly do what we can across cyberspace to support, love, and encourage you unconditionally-without judgement or harsh criticism.

Love & s
WATW

 

[WatersMoon110]

Thanks. I don't think that an Abortion Recovery Group would be very open to me being there, since my situation is really very different from what I imagine most people there would be going through.

 

[New Creation]

Hi Watersmoon....

I think that you are really brave to come here and post about your experience. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you have endured and I am so sorry that you were forced to lose your little one. I am glad that you have acknowledged her here.
Please try an abortion recovery group anyway WAtersmoon...there are other people out there who have been forced to have abortions.
Hve you every thought about having a private memorial for your little girl?
I had one for my son and I also wrote him a letter. I found that it helped tremendously in my recovery. Please don't hesitate to ask for prayer or an ear to listen.
Bless you sister.

 

[woman.at.the.well]

Thanks. I don't think that an Abortion Recovery Group would be very open to me being there, since my situation is really very different from what I imagine most people there would be going through.

As I said before Waters. . . no one is here to judge but I'll leave that up to you. I will not push. You know where we are if you change your mind.

 

[inhisimage73]

I was really unsure where to put this. I was both abused and forced to have an abortion, and I figured that less children might see it here (because I am really worried about upsetting anyone). If anyone feels that this thread should be moved, please feel free to contact a Mod and have it moved to the Abuse Recovery forum.

I was sexually abused from age 12 to age 16. When I was 15, he got me pregnant. Then he gave me an abortion in our basement.

This weekend marked the 9th anniversary of this horrible event. And I just had to write something, or I wouldn't be able to go about my everyday life anymore.

Some days I am just so angry about this. About being abused, about being made pregnant, about being made against my will to lose that pregnancy and thinking I was going to die because of that. It's hard to forget something like that, the whole month of thinking I was going to die, that something in me was broken and I was going to bleed to death.

But now, that I'm married, it scares me a little that I might have another child in the next couple of years. I guess I worry that it might be physically dangerous for me to have a child (I know I should get this checked, just so that I worry anymore, but I just can't make myself).

And somehow, I feel that this would make me an unfit parent. I don't know.

I think I'm going to add a "lost child" icon to myself. I think that dealing with this more openly might help me. I've always thought of it as a girl (even though there was no way to tell, and it was too early even if someone had looked), so I'll put that up.

Hi Watersmoon

It has been awhile since anyone, including you, has posted anything on this thread, and was wondering how you are doing? So, how are you doing? Don't be afraid to express your feelings in the Abortion Recovery Room, that's what it's there for. You will be surrounded by several loving women who will not pass judgement on you...they will only love and care for you. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were when you had your abortion, we all have felt alot of the things you are feeling, even though yours is more than likely compounded and magnified by the abuse you suffered. In my own situation, I kept my abortion hidden for many years, and never talked about it until I found this board. It really does help.

I am lovingly urging you to seek professional help to deal with the abuse you suffered. I pray that when you are ready to deal with it, you will....but I don't believe your fears and the guilt you feel will go away without it. Being the victim of abuse, especially sexual abuse, is complex and requires the professional expertise from someone who specializes in treating the effects of it.

Please come to the board, and talk about your situation as much as you feel comfortable doing so. Please don't assume that the group would not be open to you posting and talking....that is not the case at all. We will help you and care for you as much as we are able.

Bless your heart!!
Tracie

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Thanks. I don't think that an Abortion Recovery Group would be very open to me being there, since my situation is really very different from what I imagine most people there would be going through.

Hi Hon,

Your experience sounds a lot like mine. I went to one of the Crisis Pregnancy Centers a few years ago for Abortion Recovery. Because my situation was much like yours and their weren't any others at that time, they actually did one on one abortion recovery counseling instead of the group.

Just because your situation is different doesn't necessarily make group or individual out of the question. It just depends upon who is going through what and whether they think it would benefit you and the group.

 

[WatersMoon110]

Thank you, everyone, for the support! It really means a lot.

I've been mostly okay, I guess. I don't really think that this is something than one can ever fully "get over" but I'm working on trying to get through every day as best I can.

I can't help but worry. What if, because of the unsafe method that was used on me, I can't have children in the future? My husband and I are hoping to have a baby in a couple years. I know that worrying about it doesn't help, I either can or can't have children of my own.

I know there's always adoption, and I do plan to adopt (either way). But it would mean a lot to me if I could have biological children with my husband. I would hate for that gift to have been taken from me by such a brutal, hateful act.

I want to thank everyone again for the support and kindness. I don't think that I will be attending an Abortion Recovery group, but I do think that I will try counseling (again), for this and all of my other issues.

 

[brinny]

I was really unsure where to put this. I was both abused and forced to have an abortion, and I figured that less children might see it here (because I am really worried about upsetting anyone). If anyone feels that this thread should be moved, please feel free to contact a Mod and have it moved to the Abuse Recovery forum.

I was sexually abused from age 12 to age 16. When I was 15, he got me pregnant. Then he gave me an abortion in our basement.

This weekend marked the 9th anniversary of this horrible event. And I just had to write something, or I wouldn't be able to go about my everyday life anymore.

Some days I am just so angry about this. About being abused, about being made pregnant, about being made against my will to lose that pregnancy and thinking I was going to die because of that. It's hard to forget something like that, the whole month of thinking I was going to die, that something in me was broken and I was going to bleed to death.

But now, that I'm married, it scares me a little that I might have another child in the next couple of years. I guess I worry that it might be physically dangerous for me to have a child (I know I should get this checked, just so that I worry anymore, but I just can't make myself).

And somehow, I feel that this would make me an unfit parent. I don't know.

I think I'm going to add a "lost child" icon to myself. I think that dealing with this more openly might help me. I've always thought of it as a girl (even though there was no way to tell, and it was too early even if someone had looked), so I'll put that up.

i'm soooo sorry you were forced to endure such horror (((hug)))