My skin

[SoFarAway]

I hate my skin. Not my skin skin. My whole essence. I hate being a 'survior'. I don't want the label. I just wanna undo it. And it frustrates me that I can't. I want to rip my skin off and just be someone else.
I want it off me. I wanna be free from this.
I don't wanna be touched or touch myself.
I just want it off

 

[bubblefish]

I know the feeling Hun. It does happen, but things do get easier. I can't promise that the label will ever leave but you do find ways to cope and move on enough to live your life.

Is there anyone you can talk to about the way you are feeling at the moment?

 

[SoFarAway]

Thanks Bubblefish.
There isn't anyone I can talk to.
One of my friends knows. That's it. But I just don't wanna talk to him about it.
I'm embarassed, and ashamed.

 

[sidnee]

YOU have nothing to be embarassed or ashamed of. Nothing at all.
It wasnt your fault, and you didnt ask for it.
I know too know the feeling of just wishing you were someone else but all the wishes in the world wont change what happened to you. And trust me, the more you try to ignore it, the more it will impact your life in a negative way.
Is there anyway you can get into counseling somewhere and talk about it with someone that way?

 

[SoFarAway]

I feel like it is my fault. Like I should have said, or done something differently. I feel like somehow I could have done something to prevent it. Or make it stop after it was happening, and I didnt. I feel like a worthless failure.
Counseling/therapy isn't an option for me. Went once for different reasons. Pretended like I was 'cured' so I could quit going. My parents made me feel terrible for going even though they were the ones who made me go to begin with. If I could ever go back, I'd be more honest. Cuz even still, I never told my other therapist what happened. No one knows, just one friend.
She was worthless in my opinion. She was there for me to talk and just be an outside voice, but she never talked with me about past things. Just things like, how was your week, how have things been. blah blah.
I felt like she was living too perfect of a life to be able to help me anyhow.

 

[TamaraLynne]

Where do I start.....

Hello is good and a ((( big hug)))

My story is different...in that I was molested since the age of five and then molested again in a foster home ...and then raped in my twenties ...thought I was going to be killed by the rapists......

I've had quite the long healing process and could not have gotten past alot without Jesus being there.....but I have been sitting here thinking about your situation...

I try not to compare because I never really had a normal beginning in life so I had nothing to miss in that respect...but in the past I use to be jealous of others who I thought had a pampered life...use to wonder what my life could have been if nothing bad had happened and had parents who loved me.....gosh the strength I could see in who I could become...so I grabbed that thought of strength.....and made it a part of me....but still I am who I am....the parts we think are weak in us that will break us are actually areas that will strengthen to help others in their time of need....it is a place where we can identify with another who is stumbbling...it can be used for helping others....

Don't hate your skin.....stand...let the wind touch your face and take a breath...breath deep.....look at the beauty around you and know this...alot of people are like kids...in that the world revolves around them...they try not to be closed up in their own little worlds...they try every now and again to reach out to others...but pampered life or not ...they feel weak...not able to help much...

walk with Jesus by your side...because he is the best friend in the whole world...and he can take away the pain ....

 

[Johnnz]

How you feel is quite common. You were defiled by what happened.

But that is not how Jesus sees you. I would help to have someone who can talk to you and help you relate that horrible time to the healing and love of Jesus. That will take more than one conversation, the person must be able to give wise counsel, and you will need to hang in while you are walking through that experience again.

Don't despair and don't beat up on yourself. That is a dead end street and means the abuser is still controlling you in some way.

John
NZ

 

[stickin2thword]

You are not a victim you are a VICTOR!!! just coming on here and telling your story even in part says that already you are overcoming.

 

[myanchor]

What stickin2theword said. I'm 51 and just now getting over this. But then I didn't talk to anyone for a long time and finally revealed it to my wife only about 4 years ago. You are doing the right thing by talking about it now.