OK, so I've posted about feeling abnormal as a Christian man here before, but the other day, something happened that made my insecurities worse. See, for the time being, I live with my grandmother and great-aunt. Two days ago, my grandmother was driving me home from work, and it recently snowed. Our driveway had an inch or less of snow and ice on it, so I had to shovel. I also shovel our next-door neighbor's driveway.
Now, when we got in our driveway, my grandmother said "Good thing we got a MAN at the house!" And my reaction is what prompted me to make this threat. I didn't say anything, but I knew that she was praising me for physical strength (which I don't have much of, even though I'm still stronger than her). And do you know how I reacted to that? I cringed. I cringed. At the thought of being acknowledged for a trait men have always been appreciated for.
I've said in a previous post that as a man, I don't have the Hero Instinct--a desire that men have to feel strong, competent, and needed. A lot of men would have loved the complement I had received. But I did not. And honestly, my tastes in women reflect this issue. I'm attracted to physically strong women--especially if they're stronger than me, I'm a weak male--and while it's not a requirement, I find tallness (being 5'7+) more attractive than shortness. Basically, the less a woman needs me physically, the more attracted I am to her. If she physically barely needs me or doesn't need me at all, yeah, I will be crushing.
From an emotional standpoint, bravery (lacking fear entirely) and courage (acting despite feeling fear) also get my attention. If a woman can do something difficult whether she's afraid or not, that's gonna get my attention. My grandmother, great-aunt, mother--they appreciate me grabbing things they can't reach (I'm 5'6, so the tallest, but still short for a man), shoveling snow for them, moving things for them, but hearing things like "I need your height!", or "you're my strong guy!", does absolutely nothing for me. I hated that my grandmother recognized my physical strength--which, again, isn't very much. Afterwards, when I was thanked for cleaning and salting the driveways by her and my great-aunt, I felt no satisfaction at all.
As a man, I don't have that drive to be a knight in shining armor, so I'm into women who can be that knight for me. Going for a spouse who's strong and capable enough to not need me that much physically seems like the easiest solution. As a Christian, I'm called to be courageous, and a light to the world. I know that. But I also know that masculine drive to be a protector, hero, handyman--and pride in those abilities--is not inside me. It's not in my nature. And the fact that I reacted to my grandmother's remark ("Good thing we got a man at the house!") with disgust concerns me. That, to me, is a red flag. I need some solid advice about my situation and my mentality.
