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timewerx

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a desire that men have to feel strong, competent, and needed.
There are MANY women and even gay men desiring those things too. Those are not masculine traits but simply positive traits that both genders desire to have.

Basically, the less a woman needs me physically, the more attracted I am to her. If she physically barely needs me or doesn't need me at all, yeah, I will be crushing.
You're setting yourself up to be hurt.

As others have advised, you probably need professional help or re-evaluation of your faith or beliefs.

Your problem sounds worse than just gender choice issues. Even gay men desire to be needed, competent, and even many desire to be strong and even go to the gym.

The desire to be useless is a self-destructive trait. It's right alongside suicidal desires. No normal woman nor any normal person desire to be useless. So yes, you probably need professional help or re-kindle your desire to seek Godly truth.
 
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The desire to be useless is a self-destructive trait. It's right alongside suicidal desires. No normal woman nor any normal person desire to be useless. So yes, you probably need professional help or re-kindle your desire to seek Godly truth.
There is nothing wrong with gentleness and meekness. Thats not useless. We don't need to go to the gymn and be tough guys and gals. I'm not saying I agree with the rest of what he's saying though.
 
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OK, so I've posted about feeling abnormal as a Christian man here before, but the other day, something happened that made my insecurities worse. See, for the time being, I live with my grandmother and great-aunt. Two days ago, my grandmother was driving me home from work, and it recently snowed. Our driveway had an inch or less of snow and ice on it, so I had to shovel. I also shovel our next-door neighbor's driveway.


Now, when we got in our driveway, my grandmother said "Good thing we got a MAN at the house!" And my reaction is what prompted me to make this threat. I didn't say anything, but I knew that she was praising me for physical strength (which I don't have much of, even though I'm still stronger than her). And do you know how I reacted to that? I cringed. I cringed. At the thought of being acknowledged for a trait men have always been appreciated for.


I've said in a previous post that as a man, I don't have the Hero Instinct--a desire that men have to feel strong, competent, and needed. A lot of men would have loved the complement I had received. But I did not. And honestly, my tastes in women reflect this issue. I'm attracted to physically strong women--especially if they're stronger than me, I'm a weak male--and while it's not a requirement, I find tallness (being 5'7+) more attractive than shortness. Basically, the less a woman needs me physically, the more attracted I am to her. If she physically barely needs me or doesn't need me at all, yeah, I will be crushing.


From an emotional standpoint, bravery (lacking fear entirely) and courage (acting despite feeling fear) also get my attention. If a woman can do something difficult whether she's afraid or not, that's gonna get my attention. My grandmother, great-aunt, mother--they appreciate me grabbing things they can't reach (I'm 5'6, so the tallest, but still short for a man), shoveling snow for them, moving things for them, but hearing things like "I need your height!", or "you're my strong guy!", does absolutely nothing for me. I hated that my grandmother recognized my physical strength--which, again, isn't very much. Afterwards, when I was thanked for cleaning and salting the driveways by her and my great-aunt, I felt no satisfaction at all.


As a man, I don't have that drive to be a knight in shining armor, so I'm into women who can be that knight for me. Going for a spouse who's strong and capable enough to not need me that much physically seems like the easiest solution. As a Christian, I'm called to be courageous, and a light to the world. I know that. But I also know that masculine drive to be a protector, hero, handyman--and pride in those abilities--is not inside me. It's not in my nature. And the fact that I reacted to my grandmother's remark ("Good thing we got a man at the house!") with disgust concerns me. That, to me, is a red flag. I need some solid advice about my situation and my mentality.
We all have different preferences, strengths and weaknesses. Just because some segments of society see masculinity as strength, courage etc. does not mean that is the way all men would be. We don't all have to love Guns, and fishing. Both of those things do nothing for me.

There is nothing abnormal about being you. Just enjoy who you are. Let God work on any weaknesses. Jesus wants us to spend more time with Him, rather than worrying.

In fact strength comes from relationship with HIm.

Mat 26:41 Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."
 
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FaithT

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Except I'm not trans. But the LGBT crowd might say I'm an "egg" (someone who is trans but doesn't realize it), going by my type and lack of masculine pride (no Hero Instinct).
Egg? That’s a new one on me.
 
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com7fy8

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And I assume going for a spouse who's more physically capable than me and more of a hero isn't a good idea, either.
I would take each lady as she is, and discover what is really good about her.

And do this with yourself. See how God uses whatever is good about you. No, I do not think it is good to dictate how a woman has to look. Because God looks at the heart.

We do not need to try to be men the way this world has honored men for being strong and assertive, because a guy can show this but not be able to love the way Jesus desires.

Humble is stronger and wiser than a lot of men's muscles are.

And with each woman discover how she is good with you and you with her. Maybe do not start right off with if you are equal or whatever, but enjoy discovering each other. You're not equal or unequal, but each of you has unique things to share and to enjoy and to help one another.
 
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timewerx

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Humble is stronger and wiser than a lot of men's muscles are.
One can still be quite physically strong and also be humble.

Jesus is physically very strong. Regularly climbed a high mountain to pray, sometimes (or probably always) in fasted state and then able to carry an estimated 300 lbs cross (with some help) on a long walk up a hill in a tortured state with blood loss. Even if it's just the cross board He carried (90 lbs).

The New Testament is full of teachings of willfully undergoing trials which includes physical trials that builds discipline, patience, perseverance, endurance, strength. Back in the time of Jesus, it meant something. It wasn't just in the mind, it's all real. It's almost training like an athlete. To Apostle Paul, that meant walking long distances that would have included going up mountains, making and possibly carrying around heavy tents, getting shipwrecked, spending time in prison. It would made Apostle Paul physically strong, yet we know him as a very humble person.

One of the nicest person in our apartment also happens to be a big guy with big muscles and I've come across many men who look physically weak, out of shape who are very mean, arrogant, and full of insecurities.

Anything that builds discipline is a good thing. It could be as simple as working out in the gym and trying to stay in shape and good health.

Our Lord desires that we become useful to Him and the people around us as opposed to being useless or even destructive to His plans and to the people around us.

Yet, the OP desires to be useless and unneeded and such desire is unhealthy and goes against the teachings of Jesus and the Apostles.
 
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com7fy8

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OK, so I've posted about feeling abnormal as a Christian man here before, but the other day, something happened that made my insecurities worse.
So, just because a wrong thing violates you again, this does not make it right or deserving of your attention,

**never mind you obeying it**.

But get rid of it and keep trusting God for what He desires. He cares more about us, than we do >

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you " (1 Peter 5:7)
I cringed. At the thought of being acknowledged for a trait men have always been appreciated
Well, what this world values is not what really matters . . . right?

There is also value of beauty. And ones can even be in love with someone because of beauty and charm. But, also, you should not discriminate against loving a woman just because she does not look the way you want. Or else, while we have anti-love ways of seeing and feeling about women, we can be unable to know real love. And then we can get into the wrong things with the wrong people. And then discover who we really are involved with, maybe after getting married to the person.

So, the way you are "seeing" could be blinding you!!
Basically, the less a woman needs me physically, the more attracted I am to her. If she physically barely needs me or doesn't need me at all, yeah, I will be crushing.
Like we have offered > don't be your own dictator, please. Let a woman speak for herself and enjoy discovering each Christian lady God trusts you to know. Jesus dearly loves each one. And every lady of Jesus is His blessing for us; so we are wise to so appreciate and dearly love each one.

And use what you've got to do good to others. Whether we are physically strong or weak >

"Your gentleness has made me great" (in Psalm 18:35, and in 2 Samuel 22:36)
 
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Zceptre

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God is love.

Make sure you know He treasures you like you are His only child, even if you don't think you are normal or "right."

Lord Jesus didn't die on the cross for perfect people, but imperfect and flawed people.

He knows every detail about your personality and He is strong for us when we are weak.

More prayer, and less concern of opinions, seems a good idea for the long haul.

He will paint the picture of who He made you to be in due time through your relationship with Him. :)
 
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Jo555

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OK, so I've posted about feeling abnormal as a Christian man here before, but the other day, something happened that made my insecurities worse. See, for the time being, I live with my grandmother and great-aunt. Two days ago, my grandmother was driving me home from work, and it recently snowed. Our driveway had an inch or less of snow and ice on it, so I had to shovel. I also shovel our next-door neighbor's driveway.


Now, when we got in our driveway, my grandmother said "Good thing we got a MAN at the house!" And my reaction is what prompted me to make this threat. I didn't say anything, but I knew that she was praising me for physical strength (which I don't have much of, even though I'm still stronger than her). And do you know how I reacted to that? I cringed. I cringed. At the thought of being acknowledged for a trait men have always been appreciated for.


I've said in a previous post that as a man, I don't have the Hero Instinct--a desire that men have to feel strong, competent, and needed. A lot of men would have loved the complement I had received. But I did not. And honestly, my tastes in women reflect this issue. I'm attracted to physically strong women--especially if they're stronger than me, I'm a weak male--and while it's not a requirement, I find tallness (being 5'7+) more attractive than shortness. Basically, the less a woman needs me physically, the more attracted I am to her. If she physically barely needs me or doesn't need me at all, yeah, I will be crushing.


From an emotional standpoint, bravery (lacking fear entirely) and courage (acting despite feeling fear) also get my attention. If a woman can do something difficult whether she's afraid or not, that's gonna get my attention. My grandmother, great-aunt, mother--they appreciate me grabbing things they can't reach (I'm 5'6, so the tallest, but still short for a man), shoveling snow for them, moving things for them, but hearing things like "I need your height!", or "you're my strong guy!", does absolutely nothing for me. I hated that my grandmother recognized my physical strength--which, again, isn't very much. Afterwards, when I was thanked for cleaning and salting the driveways by her and my great-aunt, I felt no satisfaction at all.


As a man, I don't have that drive to be a knight in shining armor, so I'm into women who can be that knight for me. Going for a spouse who's strong and capable enough to not need me that much physically seems like the easiest solution. As a Christian, I'm called to be courageous, and a light to the world. I know that. But I also know that masculine drive to be a protector, hero, handyman--and pride in those abilities--is not inside me. It's not in my nature. And the fact that I reacted to my grandmother's remark ("Good thing we got a man at the house!") with disgust concerns me. That, to me, is a red flag. I need some solid advice about my situation and my mentality.
There appears to be some deeper issue going on. God can show you. Ask Him to reveal it to you.

It may be that you may resent someone putting too much faith in your abilities. Maybe it puts too much pressure on you because you may not believe in your abilities, or just don't want to deal with pressure that you feel there.

I don't know if that is the case, but it is good that you were able to catch the resentment.

Now the question would be, why do you feel resentful? Ask God foremost, and be open to how He may answer that, and let Him confirm it to you if it doesn't come straight from Him.

When I dated I personally would start to freak out a bit when a guy seemed to be relying too much on me. I know I'm not perfect and I cannot fill voids that only God can fill.

I also thought there was some good advice here, but take it all to God.
 
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Jo555

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There appears to be some deeper issue going on. God can show you. Ask Him to reveal it to you.

It may be that you may resent someone putting too much faith in your abilities. Maybe it puts too much pressure on you because you may not believe in your abilities, or just don't want to deal with pressure that you feel there.

I don't know if that is the case, but it is good that you were able to catch the resentment.

Now the question would be, why do you feel resentful? Ask God foremost, and be open to how He may answer that, and let Him confirm it to you if it doesn't come straight from Him.

When I dated I personally would start to freak out a bit when a guy seemed to be relying too much on me. I know I'm not perfect and I cannot fill voids that only God can fill.

I also thought there was some good advice here, but take it all to God.
And just to clarify, I never liked it when a guy acted as if he needed me. I don't need or want anyone to need me. I get that.

I'm not saying it is wrong for another to feel differently. What is wrong is to rely on others and put them before God.

Now, someone who loves us, not because they need us, but love for who we are, that is another matter all together.

That doesn't mean that we don't understand how we can complement each other and the extra joys of a shared life. Love has to be given away. It cannot be contained for it is the nature of love to flow out of us, touch others and be shared.
 
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timewerx

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There appears to be some deeper issue going on. God can show you. Ask Him to reveal it to you.

It may be that you may resent someone putting too much faith in your abilities. Maybe it puts too much pressure on you because you may not believe in your abilities, or just don't want to deal with pressure that you feel there.

I don't know if that is the case, but it is good that you were able to catch the resentment.

Now the question would be, why do you feel resentful? Ask God foremost, and be open to how He may answer that, and let Him confirm it to you if it doesn't come straight from Him.

When I dated I personally would start to freak out a bit when a guy seemed to be relying too much on me. I know I'm not perfect and I cannot fill voids that only God can fill.

I also thought there was some good advice here, but take it all to God.
It is a big or rather troubling issue because the state of being useless or unneeded is a very common and very strong suicide motivation.

The desire or fetish to be useless or unneeded may seem harmless until something terribly wrong happened that could be attributed to the negative desire. It can lead to destructive forms of guilt.

I also find it impossible to love for real to desire to remain in a state of uselessness. It wouldn't be healthy in any relationship and seem almost parasitical. A woman wanting to be in such relationship needs to have herself examined as well. Nothing right can come out of it. All I can see.
 
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Jo555

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It is a big or rather troubling issue because the state of being useless or unneeded is a very common and very strong suicide motivation.

The desire or fetish to be useless or unneeded may seem harmless until something terribly wrong happened that could be attributed to the negative desire. It can lead to destructive forms of guilt.

I also find it impossible to love for real to desire to remain in a state of uselessness. It wouldn't be healthy in any relationship and seem almost parasitical. A woman wanting to be in such relationship needs to have herself examined as well. Nothing right can come out of it. All I can see.
I don't see being useless and not desiring to be needed the same.

But I'm not perfect so I don't mind therapy. I just don't see it as a problem and hindrance in my life. You normally don't seek help until it becomes a hindrance in your life and if you are suicidal, then one should seek help.

Usefulness can take on different forms too.
 
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Jo555

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There is the matter of attraction and love too. Attraction can be superficial. It needs to run deeper to be love. I wouldn't put too much on what attracts you in that regard. You'll be making a mistake to base a relationship on what attracts you.

Don't get me wrong, we all gravitate towards what attracts us, but as we grow we tend to be attracted more to people on a deeper level.
 
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Jo555

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On the topic of suicide ...

I don't know all the aspects of what makes someone suicidal, but overall I believe this unhealthy focus on ourselves plays a large role. We should be God focused and how He would use us to help others.

I also believe listening to others voices over his and who He says we are, his beloved and approved in Christ, etc, is another issue.

Our worth needs to be based in Him, his love, and who He says we are. Let all despise me, and i will still run strong in Him and his love.

I love the apostle John's view of himself, the one whom Christ loved. That is a love worth living for.
 
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Jo555

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I think i see what you are saying now about useless and no desire to be needed.

I think it takes on a different effect whether one needs it, or doesn't.

Feeling useless and not needed can be depressing and can lead to suicidal tendencies if we put our worth in that. Our worth needs to be in whom God says we are and his love for us.

But I hear ya. Not saying there may not be more to it than my take on it, just saying that the big issue as I see it is our worth needs to be found in Him.

Ok, said enough so good night for now. Good topic though.
 
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timewerx

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Feeling useless and not needed can be depressing and can lead to suicidal tendencies if we put our worth in that. Our worth needs to be in whom God says we are and his love for us.

It would be bad if one idolizes being needed or useful or they crave it like a drug.

Yet, we see tons of examples of being useful to other people in the New Testament of the Bible alone.

The Good Samaritan for example. The verses about the sheep vs goats. It's mostly about charity, bringing the good news, and rescuing those in distress. Many of these are fruits of the Holy Spirit and can be summed to one word - LOVE. The changing nature of the Holy Spirit compels us to do good works. It becomes our nature.
 
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Jo555

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It would be bad if one idolizes being needed or useful or they crave it like a drug.

Yet, we see tons of examples of being useful to other people in the New Testament of the Bible alone.

The Good Samaritan for example. The verses about the sheep vs goats. It's mostly about charity, bringing the good news, and rescuing those in distress. Many of these are fruits of the Holy Spirit and can be summed to one word - LOVE. The changing nature of the Holy Spirit compels us to do good works. It becomes our nature.
Amen.
 
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The LGBT crowd might say I'm an "egg" (someone who is trans but doesn't realize it), going by my type and lack of masculine pride ...

I would not put any weight on how "the LGBT crowd" defines anyone, because they are not letting God do the defining.


I understand I'm male. The problem is, I'm not a normal male.

And who or what is defining "normal" for you here?


The reason I keep venting about this is because I feel like a total whacko compared to other Christian men. ... I'm nothing like all the Christian men and boys I see. ... So many of them have at least some masculine energy in them. They're normal guys.

Here is at least part of the problem. As the scripture says, those who measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves are without understanding.

The standard is not other Christian men. The standard is Christ Jesus alone.


Gender roles are kind of a big deal in the church, ...

A church that thinks gender roles are kind of a big deal has stopped thinking of Christ as a big deal. That is who should define the church's standards.

Remember, in our weakness shines his strength.
 
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Jo555

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I would not put any weight on how "the LGBT crowd" defines anyone, because they are not letting God do the defining.




And who or what is defining "normal" for you here?




Here is at least part of the problem. As the scripture says, those who measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves are without understanding.

The standard is not other Christian men. The standard is Christ Jesus alone.




A church that thinks gender roles are kind of a big deal has stopped thinking of Christ as a big deal. That is who should define the church's standards.

Remember, in our weakness shines his strength.
Ok, so I don't care to use that like button anymore, but I have to say, love this. You cannot define yourself by what others say about you. You are defined in Christ; what God says about you.

And someone is singing my song, "In our weakness shines his strength."

Save yourself a lot of grief and discover what God has to say about you.
 
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