my name is hotsauce

[hotsauce5000]

my name is hotsauce, thought id make a new post here to keep yall updated with my sicheeation. (thats a made up word) i have a good sense of humor when im drunk or in a good mood. i dont drink anymore so i must be in a good mood.

wow, where to start?
so this week i need to try and fulfill the paperwork requirements for my work license. with any luck i will get it done and in the mail tomorrow. thats my primary goal for the week. i have very little work or commitiments, so i will tackle my IRS returns. at my church they have free tax help from the AARP so it runs thur fri, sat. i have numbers ready to be processed except for what i paid in sales tax for those years. that is going to be a pain to figure out what thsoe numbers are. so i have a mission to find these numbers and get those years completed and mailed this week. (o4 and 06).
after that i will need to start working on IRS returns for 03, for which i have almost no records for. the years i have been doing have been re-created from bank statements most of which i had, the rest being provided by my bank at no charge. for 03 they want money for, and since i have almost none for that year it will be expensive to get. thats the next challenge.
also i would like to re-sumbmit 2005 because i think they were done wrong. i paid them over 4000 and they may owe me some back.

if any of this gets to be too much, someone please stop me.'

i had a great rereshing weekend and i feel good for the first time in months. during the week in need to get back in the gym and make a couple of AA meetings. i thak you all for listening to me and letting me express things here.
im not even sure how i found these forums but im glad i did.

have a good night yall, and ill be back again

hotsauce

 

[madison1101]

Hi and welcome,
Glad you are hear to share your experience, strength and hope with us. Also glad to see you are attending AA meetings. Do you have a sponsor? What step are you working on these days?

Keep coming back.

Trish

 

[BobW188]

Good to see you back, hotsauce, and to see you're starting to get a little control over and help with your assorted problems. We like to say, "Easy does it; but do it!"
Keep pluggin' away at things but be patient. We all want those problems that took years to accumulate to be gone tomorrow but, funny thing, it don't work that way!

Keep up the AA meetings. One of the nice things about AA is that sooner or later you'll meet someone who is, or at one time was, in a worse mess than yours! Several someones, as a matter of fact, who can help you cope and stay sober.

Like Madison says, keep coming back!

 

[BlessEwe]

So glad that you are here! I am glad that you are going slow, with baby steps. And with time and sobriety the huge unmanagable things seem managable.

When I got home from the rehab I freaked out from all of the life things in my daily schedule and put my head under a pillow. Slowly that pillow came off and I am able to face them now sober. With the many tools and support from God, AA, family and friends. Went back to school, work, my family.. LIFE... and it is good... well most days lol... Scary though... facing things sober at first.

As Bill says, we do hear many stories in the AA rooms just like yours. The wonderful thing about those/us people is they/we worked hard on their sobriety and their/our life changed.

I am doing a internship in a recovery pregnant womens shelter. Last week one of the women had her baby, and it was taken away from her sad to say. She didn't even get to hold her baby, which of coarse was from her own actions. She asked me to go to court with her this morning, and I am going. I am hoping to talk with her, support her and with Gods help maybe in time she will get her children back. If she sticks with it, she will.

So glad you are here! Keep coming back and join in with us. So excited to see the progress in your life.

 

[hotsauce5000]

ok more from hotsauce:

work is slowed to a crawl as has my income. this week i will be doing my taxes for 06 and 04. tomorrow. hopefully they will work out where i dont owe anything. after that all i will owe is 03. if i have time i want to get a copy from 05 cause i think i overpaid. i paid 4200.
this week also learned that it will be extremely difficult if at all possible to save my work/career due to a pending dui case. they changed the laws here to where my case is a felony instead of a misdemeanor. with high dollar lawyer money the may be a difference but i dont have it. in addition the court im in has a hard core judge who likes to stick it to people no matter what. ive heard it from multiple sources.
i did have a very good weekend where my mental status was improved heavily but had a very bad half day monday and very bad tuesday. today was ok.
i now have a problem because i recently learned that i was working with an expired license which may carry a criminal penalty. ouch. i cant win for losing. that in itself may overlap the dui and hurt me. i can only pray and be honest about it.
today i got word that i will have a court day to try once again to get a drivers license for work purposes. im ready to get a part time job at night that i can ride my bike to.
i have wonderful parents who are loving and willing to help me get though this, without them i would still be in that horrible place dowtown and everything i own would have been disposed of by landlord.

i do appreciate being able to talk about these things here and the gratious words of wisdom from yall here.

monday night i bought a copy of the 12 step book from my local AA group so i plan on reading it this weekend.

i feel very positive about myself over last weekend, i was surrounded by beer for 3 days and it didnt bother me that i couldnt have any. well ok just a little, but not much at all. all of my beer friends know what im going through so they keep an eye on me.

i do need all the prayers i can to help me through this year especially the next few months. i am a good person and i have always felt special, i dont know why. i find it strange that i have spent the last 18 years in an industry that protects people from the bad guy, and im am now here by alcohol placed in the same catagory as crack dealers and thugs, people who deal in negative moral turptitude. its a strange and bad feeling and i want it to stop. some days i feel like i just cant take it anymore. my head throbs and my blood pressure goes up, i just want it all to go away. please go away.

alright i see that im starting to ramble on so im gonna go to sleep.
please pray for me.

thank yall again

 

[BobW188]

Ramble away. And you've got the prayers. And try to zero out that "just a little." Hit some meetings this weekend, spend some time with AA buddies.
Keep on taking things one at a time. Was it the lisencing agency that told you about the expired lisence? If not, give them a call or an email letting them know that you've become aware of it and why it happened. Even "civil serpents" can be helpful when they see you're taking the matter seriously. Good luck on the temporary license. If you get it, it might look good to that judge. As to him, let that high-dollar lawyer call the shots; but be honest!
Believe me, we here know all about that throbbing head and high blood pressure. Speaking personally, the first 6-9 months of my sobriety had a lot of fear in them. Remember: if you're in the same category as crack dealers and thugs then, as an alcoholic, you're also in the same category as a lot of doctors, lawyers, preachers and at least one former First Lady. All of us are special, and most of us are "good" as humans go; but alcoholism can help us with something that's not much appreciated in this world but essential for the next one: humility.
Hotsauce, look back to that first post of yours on that other thread. Look at how far you've come already. The "sitcheeation" may not be good, (in fact, it may be "turrible"), but it's better than it was. You can at least see these things as particulars and take action on each. It's no longer just one big glob of Trouble. The next weeks and months are not going to be easy ones but, here and in AA, you're now among people who've been there and can say, because they know, that in time it gets better.
And keep coming back!

 

[ajtoce]

hey thats cool man, i used to go to a lot of AA and yes it definitely does get better just keep on keepin on baby! haha seriously though get i sponser and if you dont like him then call me!

 

[BlessEwe]

The one thing that keeps coming to me is you didn't kill or hurt anyone while driving under the influence If you work at it, things will get better. And the

just a little

is basically a common road that so many of us have gone down.( Been there done that many times). A road that ends just where you were just before you quit in the first place, perhaps worse off. The brain doesn't forget, amazing isn't it. Some continue on. I think all of us try at first with the thinking that we are different, this won't happen to us. But the truth is this disease doesn't care who you are, your social status, income, education. Progression is very much a reality.

So the best thing is to have complete 100% abstinence and 0 temptation, and start finding a group that can support you through the ruff waters that may be ahead with this judge.

Edited to add: Glad you bought the book by the way, I am curious if you find any stories of others similar to yours..

 

[hotsauce5000]

thanks yall. talking here and listening has helped me through the last few days in a great way.

before october 13th i had been spiraling down then on that night i took a nose dive that im just now starting to pull out of. thats about 6.5 months, wow.

ok today i think i had a good day, made some phone calls, some very important decisions. i have been praying about these things really since october but a lot more in the last 3 weeks.
this is what went on today:
i mades calls and decisions for my work license, finished the forms and mailed them certified mail.
they may renew my license, they already have my 950.
they may not renew my license, the fees are non refundable.
they may renew it, then suspend it pending my court case.

any which way but loose they already have the fees.

i have been talking with a very knowledgable person about the proceedures of all this, and today with much projection of my intentions, told them that i was going to send in the forms reguardless of outcome so that i know i have done all that i can to get the thing renewed no matter what the outcome. they will unserstand i am doing all i can to make things right. I also restated that i was concerned that they would come after me for having an expired license to which she implied that as long as im doing it right, there should be a hearing before any charges were filed , and that if everything goes south - at a hearing if i were to surrender any work license and get out of the industry - that they probably wouldnt pursure legal action against me in this matter.
so thats about 85 billion pounds of pressure off my shoulders!!

next,
yesterday i got a letter faxed out to my lawyer for my drivers license and she called me today with a court date.....april 3rd, thats next week. wow, i may be able to drive limited hours for work the following week. if that flies ill have to dig up some work to go do. i have a couple of straggler jobs i havent gotten to that are not regulated type work. if theres nothing in that department, im gonna go drive near home and towards the west in search of new builders to sell my side trade.
the next time i make any income im gonna go get a new DBA thats not regulated so i can get a new bank account and be prepared if the main one goes away. a new DBA is like 15 bucks. i think ill go ahead and get a new tax license as well so it doesnt get too complicated.

i did go to get the tax help today but after sitting 3 hours found they didnt have the softare neede for my stuff. so i go back to try again tomorrow, the main guy will be there opening and can do it, he is the one that helped me last time. hopefully i can do my 06 and 04 returns and get in mail, then call the irs and let them know i have done 4 of 5 missing years, and get an extension on #5. they wanted them all done by march 30th. whew, im haveing a hard time remembering all this stuff.

when the 1st hits, im already ready to file my quarterly sales tax, and its only 99 bucks this time, so i should be able to pay it. i learned how to do it online so its really easy, click a few things and pay.

today really was a big day i guess, im gonna take myself out for shrimp stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon. wanted to tonight but didnt get home from AA till nine. got me a sponsor too! real nice guy, gave me some things to read , some to answer , so next time we talk we have somewhere to take the conversation.. already had his # but also got email and other #'s.
i thank god for all good things in the last couple of days. im starting to feel lighter of burdens and stress. if my career is lost to me, i will start a new one. i need to get back to being happy me, not going to implode me. i dont like that.

the AA steps, i havent learned tem all yet, but i know im past the first one.
very soon i would like to be able to recite them and understand that i have gone through them.

thank yall tonight, thank god, and thanks for having me.

ill be back to talk some more as the days go by.


goodnight.

hotsauce

 

[BobW188]

Actually. I don't think that many of us memorize the steps, though if you can, that's great!. And don't think you have to rush through them, they take time. Ask your sponsor how long it took him!
Fact is, it took you years to get into this mess; you're not going to be out of it nest week, even if you keep your work license, get your temporary, get past that mean judge and get a refund on those taxes. The Steps are a journey, not a checklist. You see, I think you're picking up on something that a lot of people fight: you're not just quitting drinking, you're changing the whole way you live; and that's never as simple as it souinds or as much fun as it sounds. (Though you end up a better man, and life in general is a lot more fun.) Y'aint done bein' afraid yet, Hoss! ... but I think you may be reaching the point of not being afraid of being afraid.
You're probably already picking up some of the slogans. Two of my favorites are "First Things First" and "Easy Does It." The two go together; and you probably already know from your business: rushed work is usually sloppy work.
I know you're on the right track when you say you hit a meeting instead of getting that supper.
Just sent a prayer up for you. Keep hangin' in there and keep coming back.

 

[hotsauce5000]

hi yall, been trying to get on here for days but site was down. had a ong weekend and lots of fun, but lots pf pain too.
wow, i looked at the date of my last update, a lot has happened.
lets see:
i got my occupational drivers license last friday, WOOHOO! its a pain because i can only drive certain hours and must be logged plus they can cross check it with the breathalizer so i cant fudge it for running late or change of destination.
i got the news that things may go easier in the case of my work license- not getting it but no bad consequences for screwing up. i stiil may lose it and my career, but i am allive and healthy so i can just deal with it if that happens.
i met a girl, i needed to be held so badly and it was great. she said she was some sort of team leader at her shurch. well a week into it i took her for a weekend event and we camped basically in the back of my suv. all the while she urged me to drink beer with her. saturday night it go to tth epoont she was callin gme a wuss for not being willing ot get drunk with her. at least 25 times she put a beer in my hand and tried intimidaiting me into drinking. i am proud to say that i still have not had a beer since october 13th. yey for me. i wondered about this girl when i met her but i had been soooooo lonely for so long. she was what i needed, caring, held me, wanted a physical relationship- it did me good to have been with her on a personal level even if it was only for a week. saturday night after our event, we were trail riding, 4x4 style when we flopped over and we were in the back. it was a toyota flatbed with seats in the back wiht belts. we could have been hurt or killed but we were being wathced over from above. it could have been worse. trying to get out her belt was jammed and fuel was leaking directly under us. i used my mcguyver knife o cut her out so she was safe, then i got myslef out. she freaked out pretty hard and got childish on me so i grabbed my cooler and told the guys to go on, we would walk back to camp. i think she is crazy or something. she dint want to walk back to camo so i called for a ride but when i turned around she had turned her back on me and walked off. after a while she wandered up to my truck acting all weird. it seems she had her mind on somone else. aftera long talk she offered me intimacy again and bedtime. so after reaching my truck, making the bed and a long shoulder massage to her and more talking she had to use restroom. she never came back. i found her drinking it up wiht a group of guys. i left her alon for about 30 min to see if she would return. nope. i returned to ask her what was going on and she treated me like she didnt know me. i was devastated, i was under the impression she would be my girlfriend, something i need in my life. so i left and drive around the trails for a coule of hours and parked where she couldnt find me, i didnt trust her or the dude she was with. she had been in the militar and carried a lockblade. there are crazies and lorena bobbits so i wanted to sleep safely. i didnt sleep much or well. later i heard she had been walking around drunk acting like the town harlot, rubbbing up on multiple guys. next morning i went to a friends camper to get rid of the rest of the beer in my cooler and she saw me and hopped in my truck, she neede a way home. she looked as if she was rode hard and put up wet. we didnt talk much except for i told her i wish it would have worked out cause i really liked her. she did treat me very badly and was very rude. even after acting extremely sexy and rubbing up on me all day. im pretty sure she slept with one or more of those guys in that group. however it made me feel so much better wednesday i talked to a female friend who called her out thats night in fornt of all those guys whe was with. made her look like a harlot and made any of those guys look like trash. she told her off real good and almost beat her ass for hurting me. i should have been a jerk and threw all her belongings in the mud in front of those guys but i didnt, i made sure she got home safely even though she hurt me so badly. i found it quite funny too, the guy im sure she slept with put up pics of her passed out in his sleeping bag on myspace, making fun of her. nice guy huh- takes a mans girl, uses her, then makes fun of her.
a couple of days later , being the gentman that i am, i emailed her a link to the pics a WE took of the trucks at the event. her reply was that she had my shirt and i had hers, in an almost rude way. i did swap shirts with her and even returned another shirt of hers she was to drunk to remember.

anyhow im rambling on now and way off subject but i feel good to vent/share my feelings here.
i am confident in my ability to decline alcohol, evn with a beautiful sexy woman taunting me with sex. i did a good job i think.

i am now a happier person and like what i see in the mirror, even feel smile muscles in my face that fell unused.

i pray still for god to send me a woman to live myl ife with and maybe have a child. i have grown so much in the last 7 months in my mind and spritually. i thank god every day for everything that i have.

thank you all for listening and praying for me in my troubles.
i will try to do my best to assist others who my experiences may be helpful

bye for now.

 

[BobW188]

Well, hotsauce, your streak of never putting up a dull post continues. Give you a grand slam, over-the-centerfield-wall for that one. God was watchin' over you for sure. Your adventure is one reason we warn people about starting a relationship during the first year or so.
Heart will not always follow head but, for all that the news is good, keep in mind that you've got a full plate already. As you're noticing, sometimes even the good news brings hassles with it. K.I.S.S..
Keep on hangin' in there. I presume you've checked out the news on the other threads. One off the wagon, everybody else maintaining, sometimes through difficulty.

 

[TheMainException]

The Steps are a journey, not a checklist. You see, I think you're picking up on something that a lot of people fight: you're not just quitting drinking, you're changing the whole way you live; and that's never as simple as it souinds or as much fun as it sounds. (Though you end up a better man, and life in general is a lot more fun.)

He's right you know....if it were as simple as stopping drinking or drugs, everyone would do it their first shot. Because it involves changing everything, even the way we think...it is no easy task. Alone, it is nearly impossible...with God, it because that much easier to handle. I'm not saying you aren't going to cave, that you are going to stare at every liquor store you pass every some days...but as you change things over...it becomes a whole new world. Life has returned to color. The faded gray color has left my world and I am smiling all the time now...I laugh at stupid stuff. I've never laughed so much in my life, actually, sometimes I have to stop myself cuz it gets out of hand...life is beautiful without chemicals, realize that. BEAUTIFUL. Look around, see it...stop hearing the nasty "drink up" in your own head and look around at the wonder that is God's beauty, His Creation...for you.

 

[hotsauce5000]

hi yall, just wanted to pop im for an update:

ive been doing the best i can. no alcohol nad making AA meetings. not much work or income.
have my occupational drivers license, after all thos emonmths to get it no one told me i had to drive to austin to get it fully done. (austin is the state captal, and the only drivers license office that will handle special licensing rewuirements. its about 3.5 hours from home).
my company license is still pending, they are slow and got hit by one of those viruses that shut down their computers for days. they sent back a letter that i mismarked a form and wanted another one plus the non transferable fee of 55$, now im up to about 1500$ in fees.
i have been praying for god to send me a woman to heal my heart and make me feel at peace with myself. im still praying for guidance and letting god manage my life for the better. i may have been talking to just the one. a girl i kind of knew in hogh school church choir started talkng to me online and then on the phone. we talk almost every night. we live in separate states though and i told her that i think she may be the one god sent for me. she also needed someone in her life to heal her heart, we have a lot in common.
now, the main reason i wanted to post today is that monday is a pivotal day in my life. i have to go to court again and im told i have to make a plea this time. all the other times i went the date was simply reset to give time to research the case.
they offer me a plea deal if i plea guilty and i dont like it. 500$ fine, 30 days and 4 year probation.
not guitly gets me trial but never know what will happen then.
i feel that i may go to trial, i dont feel that i deserve a felony dui and lose my career, company , trade and income.
i will do my best to post results here monday night. if yall dont hear from me................

i need yalls support and prayers please.
i am uptight, nervous, and scared.

 

[BobW188]

Great to hear from you! Sorry about the "uptight, nervous & scared," and you have more reason to be than most of us but, fact is, that describes a lot of us during that first year or so. Not knowing the details of the plea deal, much less the judge or the temperment of the prosecutor, I can't really comment on what's ahead. Trust in God and your lawyer. (Talk about covering both bases!)
If worse comes to worse, you can do thirty days. Admittedly, I was wearing the badge and not the jumpsuit; but in my eight years I learned a few things. As a sentenced inmate rather than one awaiting trial or transportation, you might be a preferred choice for inside work details. If so, volunteer. It ain't white collar work by a longshot but at least you get out of the cell or tank and get something to do. Fact is, you'll find that a lot of the guys are a lot like you: stuck in their drinking, their drugs and their bad choices.
Funny thing: if you get thirty days I think you'll not only be glad when they're over but, in some ways, glad you did them. And, who knows, with what must now be seven months, maybe you'll attract some of the guys into AA! Most of them have never gotten that on the outside.
But, here's hoping it doesn't happen. My only point in dwelling on it is: jail is survivable; and you can learn in it and from it. Just make it really a once in a lifetime experience.

 

[hotsauce5000]

tommorrow is the big day, i havent heard from my lawyer so im not sure what is going on.
ive been talking with my family and my special friend and i am leaning heavily toward taking this to trial. i dont know what would happen or how bad a sentence would be if i lost, but i think that my lawyer and i can convince a jury that i am not a felon. there are thigns about the case that are NOT RIGHT. after all the court is there so serve justice and do THE RIGHT THING.

i have not made the final decision yet, but im hoping and praying that i make the right choice. if i do go to trial it will be very hard on me, but at the same time jail and probation may be too much for me too handle. i am honestly afraid that i cant make it that way.

so please keep me in yalls prayers
thank you

 

[BobW188]

You're there.

 

[madison1101]

I don't know much about the deals that can be made, but I would pray and trust the lawyer's judgment in any case I was involved in. They know the system better than I do.

Good luck. I will be praying.

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

I was trying to find in your thread if this was your 1st offence or not. Praying for you.

 

[faithful follower]

to come this far and not drink is a major success and cause for much thanks to God! He has brought you this far and won't leave you now. Praying for you!