my husband hit me.

[belladonic-haze]

Why do so many people act like he is an unforgiveable lifelong wifebeater? Sure they guy flipped out once and should face the music for it, but I don't know if labelling him as a habitual criminal is accurate or helpful.

So, my hubs gets angry sometimes and is frustrated by things as well, but over the course of the 23 years we are together he never hit me, no matter how he felt.

It is a crime and there is nothing this man can do or say to make it go away.There is no excuse for it. It happened once.....it will happen twice.....three times....how many times does someone has to beat his wife to make it unacceptable and reason enough for her to take action against him and make sure that she is save? How many times do you think you can handle it without feeling abused and humiliated? Sheesh!!!!

 

[Telrunya]

Got yourself a little flair for drama, eh? I may have missed the post that advocated locking the guy up, throwing away the key, divorcing him and beating up his cat while they are at it.

You have a number of folks here who have been victims of abuse or work with victims of abuse. I've been in both camps myself. We 'recognize' this individual. Some of us even 'recognize' the wife. No, we don't know them but, boy, if this is not a classic case of abuse (and, so far, its outcome), I don't know what is.

No need to be melodramatic. I don't think anybody has said divorce him now or put him away for life. Quite the opposite. If you read the posts you'll find just as much concern for him as her. While you may believe that 'turning him in' is cruel and unusual, I'd say it could be a huge blessing in his life over the long run.

I guess you missed my other posts in which I said that filing a police report was a very good idea. If you really think I'm just being melodramatic then reread page 2 of this thread. Also you would be mistaken if you think I myself do not have any experiance with dealing with abuse.

 

[NothingButTheBlood]

I'm not wanting pity, I just need a place to vent. Yesterday we closed on our first new house. We have both been super stressed out. This morning I got out of the shower and he was yelling at me so I told him that I would just stay here and he could go live in the new house. And he started slapping me over and over and over until I fell and then I got away to go to the bathroom because I was shocked and hurting and crying. And he starts screaming at me and saying how he will never have any feelings for me ever again and telling me I am a psycho and that I WILL start listening to him and obeying him. He was yelling at me because the house was messy (we are in the very middle of moving and I have been the only person packing and I'm also a part time nurse and have 2 kids that I've been running all over). He's been off work for 2 days and didn't even put a single thing in a box. I'm still in shock and hurt by his words and actions. I've literally given every cent I have to this house and have no money to go away with. Does anyone have any advice? Please pray for him if you get time through the week.
thanks for reading, again, I don't want pity, I just am lost and don't know what to do now. I just signed a life long financial commitment with him for this house and now he thinks he can start this.

Lacey

I haven't read all the posts but most banks give you two weeks to 30 days to back out a morgage or loan. You seriously need to get out of something long term. Good chance he'll hit you all the time now.

 

[heron]

Some organizations that can help you with less (and more) drastic measures:

http://www.ohfa.org/Special/Homeless1/Shelters/ohfbwsh.html
http://www.okdhs.org/programs/programs.htm
http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/map/indian/okvaiw.htm
http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/map/rural/1998/okproj.htm
http://www.nsvrc.org/
http://www.harvardavecc.org/mission.htm

Check also about the legalities of taking the kids out of the house...make sure you're covered against kidnapping charges. Honest! I've seen it happen.

Another point--talk to dh about triggers to his highs and lows. Obviously the house decision and changes is one--but talk about whether he's self-medicating his stress with alcohol or caffeine. If he's not on meds, convince him of the importance.

His kids had to see him be violent, and they were in danger. Remind him.

He seems to be taking out his inadequacies on you-- frustrated that the house isn't perfect (hearing his mother's voice in his head??) and using whatever scapegoats he can (you) to explain it away for himself. Make sure that stops as soon as possible, so your life doesn't revolve around keeping him from blowing up.

I doubt that your actions can make him content. It's up to him to make himself content, and it appears unlikely.

 

[MaraPetra]

...If he's not on meds, convince him of the importance....

...His kids had to see him be violent, and they were in danger. Remind him....

...Make sure that stops as soon as possible, so your life doesn't revolve around keeping him from blowing up...

I doubt that your actions can make him content. It's up to him to make himself content, and it appears unlikely.

I so totally agree with this assessment.

 

[jad123]

Why do so many people act like he is an unforgiveable lifelong wifebeater? Sure they guy flipped out once and should face the music for it, but I don't know if labelling him as a habitual criminal is accurate or helpful.

Why???? He crossed a line that shoud NEVER be crossed. No excuses, period, very simple. NEVER.

 

[jad123]

So why not recommend to this poor woman a temporary separation and the hard work and major help as a condition of reuniting with her husband? Is he a lost cause and totally unforgivable for this one act? Not so. If that were the case then we would all be lost. As you said we have little information here so why assume he is unredeemable and unrepentant? You say people do not batter their spouses and never do it again, but I say with help this can be the exception to your rule there. Thank God He is more powerful than us and able to do all things including healing this situation.

ONLY if the abuser chooses to admit his problem and get it rectified. The abuser in this case is bi-polar. Inital counseling so that he may understand his illness as well as medication for his illness is the cure. But if he chooses not to receive this help then she is left with no other choice but to move on. Bi-polar aggression can be dangerous and can escalate. He crossed a line and once that line is crossed it is easier to cross again. Now if he seeks help then it is another matter all together.

 

[heron]

... this assessment.

Thanks, Mara--the forum crashed after my first try, so a lot was left out as I threw it back together...it sounds a little abrupt.

A thing that happens in these situations...one incident slides into another, and it's hard to face where the bad-enough ones are. To report a husband means you're uprooting your own security. Suddenly you have to think about living situations, income, child care, facing him daily after reporting him...I think that's why so many women wait too long.

Even in a scary situation, women still remember these men as the ones they chose to marry, the guys they were in love with once. And they hear the tapes in their head, "work on your marriage," "for better or worse," "submit even when he doesn't make sense" (no comment). Living with them has made adapting a part of daily life.

There's a difficult point of facing that you didn't make a wise decision. It can feel easier to make things work and be proud of being tough, than to admit that the decision to marry him was unwise. But the longer you wait, the worse things can get. Some women become so afraid of their husbands over time, that they won't leave the house. To shop, to see friends...really, afraid to walk outside.

The professionals on this thread can tell you more. There's been such great advice here--finding all this expertise in one spot is amazing! Most women really need several people to shake it into them before they comprehend the severity.

It's like date rape and friends who shoplift and knowing drug dealers--when do you tell on someone you know? How much impact will they have on others or you before anyone turns them in? How many people are at risk?

 

[Mskedi]

thank you guys for your advice and your non-judgemental replies. My husband did call and apologize and I told him that I accepted his apology but what he did was wrong and we needed to do some major work on our relationship and so we're planning on talking about our problems the next time he is home (he works days at a time and isn't home a lot). Anyway, you were right, I do need to seek God in this, I just needed to see what the general opinion was when something like this happened. I would rather hear the opinion of christian friends then that of non-christian people Thanks so much. I look forward to getting to know you all a lot better

Lacey

I do hope you are listening to everyone who is saying to report him.

It does not mean you're divorcing, and it does not mean that you don't forgive him for what had bette be a one-time mistake.

What it does mean is that if he hits you again, you can make another report and there's a precedent there. And should you forgive him again and he hits you again, there will again be a record. Hopefully by the third time (or the second) you'll be out of there, and then there's your record of abuse that will help you be sure to not let your children be in his care.

Now, ideally, he'll never do it again. And it is possible for it to never happen again. It's also likely that I won't get in a car accident tomorrow, but I'm going to wear my seatbelt anyway. Cover your bases, and you'll be able to rest easy.

I hope the two of you can reconcile and talk through your problems. The fact that he'll be away for a few days is a good thing -- it'll give you some space before you have to talk to one another again face to face.

Accept his apology, forgive him, and file the report. It will give you peace of mind, and it will show him that you aren't easily walked on.

Take care.

 

[Dylan_Chica]

cowardly abuse of loyal wives should never be forgiven.

 

[Utah Knight]

please be careful and seek god also seek your pastors help for the both of you i don't think forgiveness is ever warrented in this case nuless your husband seeks metal help and stress and anger management classes

 

[ladymissions]

Hi Lacey,

It's not acceptable behavior for him to hit you no matter what the case is. You need to tell him that you won't continue to live in the same house with him if he ever lays a hand on you again. You'll move some place else and wait till he learns how to deal with his own emotions and problems with out beating his wife. This is the wisest decision for you and your children as it hurts children tremendously to see domestic abuse between their mom and Dad. I'm not saying divorce. I'm totally against that. I'm just saying protect yourself and your children, till he learns how to handle his own problems and emotions. If it takes you leaving the house with the children for him to see how serious the matter is, then maybe that's what will cause him to seek help. I am praying for you and your family.

Blessings to you. Remember, don't tolerate abuse. It hurts you as well as your Children. Don't let your husband destroy you and your Children. Take action. Stand for your marriage, but love with a tough love. Help him come back to his senses by taking some serious actions.

Blessings to you.

 

[Dylan_Chica]

3 words for him: coward, coward and coward.
leave him and find yourself and your children someone better, that shouldn't be too hard. "men" like this deserve no family.

 

[heron]

It's important that he get physical as well as emotional help. Whether this is stress overload or bipolar, hormones, allergies, substance abuse, schizophrenia or other factors, he needs to be able to function in life.

Outbursts get people fired at work, change trust levels with business and social contacts...and regular friends. If this is physiological, this tendency will quickly become a bruise on every aspect of his life.

Even if you left him and you had custody, he would probably still have visitation rights. Your kids will want to see their father. They could see the embittered and downfallen version of him, or a version that has faced his weaknesses and been supported by medical treatment, counseling, etc. Even if you were never in the picture, he would need this help to get through life smoothly.

Totally aside, take a few minutes to yourself, and declare God's protection over your family:

I am a child of the King of the Universe. He is my Stronghold and Defender, my Deliverer. He is my strong tower.

God wants to be my refuge. He stands for me against the terror that comes at night, and the arrow that flies by day. He can still the storms for me.

Evil forces, I command that you take your hands off my family, in Jesus' name. My redemption is paid for by the blood of the Lamb. All the members of my family are joint heirs, priests, ambassadors, children of the Living God.

Lord, thank you for what you have planned for my future. Even though things don't make sense now, I trust You to work all things for the good of all involved. Set us free from the things that hold us back from living a loving and productive life for You.
​

Isaiah 25:4
For You have been a defense for the helpless, a defense for the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat; for the breath of the ruthless Is like a rain storm against a wall.


Nahum 1:3
The Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and the Lord will by no means leave the guilty unpunished. In whirlwind and storm is His way, and clouds are the dust beneath His feet.
​

Isaiah 54:11
O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires.



​

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I haven't read this entire thread, but if it was me, I would leave him. Four years ago, the relationship I'd been in for several years turned abusive; I left the guy and never went back -- I even sent other people to go and get my things from the apartment. I changed my emails accounts and phone numbers and everything. He doesn't even know where I live now. It is better to be alone than to put up with that crap. It hurt very badly at first to have so many changes in my life but looking back on it now, I am SO glad I left that guy. I fortunately did not have children to tie me to him -- but if I did have kids, I still would have left because I wouldn't ever want that kind of anger to be turned on my children.

[edit]

OK I have now read the entire thread.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

please be careful and seek god also seek your pastors help for the both of you i don't think forgiveness is ever warrented in this case nuless your husband seeks metal help and stress and anger management classes

You can forgive a person for anything. After all, Jesus asked God to forgive the people who crucified him.

Forgiving someone, however, doesn't mean continuing to put up with being mistreated.

 

[SweetBella]

my husband wants nothing to do with my church, I've asked him to go to counseling with me in the past and he absolutely refuses. He does not think that he's done anything wrong.

he hasn't said sorry or had any remorse for hitting you since this happened? have you two talked about it all? does he drink? is this normal behavior for him or did he just start acting like this? you need to file a report!

 

[heron]

He doesn't even know where I live now. It is better to be alone than to put up with that crap. ... I am SO glad I left that guy. I fortunately did not have children to tie me to him -- but if I did have kids, I still would have left because I wouldn't ever want that kind of anger to be turned on my children.

There used to be a boy down the street who lived this life. He was always jumpy, looking out for his father passing on the road. I think he halfway wanted to see him, even though he wasn't allowed to be seen.

They moved a few times in the same area, so he could stay in the school district. But he would tell me to tell him if I saw his dad behind him as we talked. What a way to live!

I'm guessing the mother never reported the father, or couldn't trust the restraining order. In any case, they still lived in fear.

I'm glad that you've been able to keep your space and privacy, at least long enough for him to cool down and forget you!

You can forgive a person for anything. After all, Jesus asked God to forgive the people who crucified him.

Someone brought up an interesting concept in another thread this week. Jesus asked the Father to forgive them. The focus was on God's release of this man from guilt of his sin, not human release of accountability. I still have to think this one through. There's still the 70 times 7 verse.





​

 

[Liselle]

Does it concern anyone else that the OP hasn't been back on?

I sincerely hope she gets the police involved, and gets HIM out of the house. If she leaves, she may lose her rights to the house.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but there needs to be a concerted effort to change. Statistically, he will do this again, and next time it could be worse. I speak from an abused wife standpoint.

I am a Christian, but I get so sick of people saying that one should stay in a marriage just because it's the right thing to do. Those are the ones who've NEVER been beaten down, either physically or emotionally. You HAVE to protect YOURSELF, because if you don't, you won't be around to protect your children.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

Does it concern anyone else that the OP hasn't been back on?

It does because if she was, it would most likely mean she is seeking help. The chances are though that she has gone back to be a 'wife' to this abuser and the cycle will continue. I hope the children are safe.

I also have a suspicion that she may actually be a poster here under another name.