my husband hit me.

[MikeMcK]

I'm not wanting pity, I just need a place to vent. Yesterday we closed on our first new house. We have both been super stressed out. This morning I got out of the shower and he was yelling at me so I told him that I would just stay here and he could go live in the new house. And he started slapping me over and over and over until I fell and then I got away to go to the bathroom because I was shocked and hurting and crying. And he starts screaming at me and saying how he will never have any feelings for me ever again and telling me I am a psycho and that I WILL start listening to him and obeying him. He was yelling at me because the house was messy (we are in the very middle of moving and I have been the only person packing and I'm also a part time nurse and have 2 kids that I've been running all over). He's been off work for 2 days and didn't even put a single thing in a box. I'm still in shock and hurt by his words and actions. I've literally given every cent I have to this house and have no money to go away with. Does anyone have any advice? Please pray for him if you get time through the week.
thanks for reading, again, I don't want pity, I just am lost and don't know what to do now. I just signed a life long financial commitment with him for this house and now he thinks he can start this.

Lacey

If he had just slapped you once in a moment of passion, then I could see how this would be a one time thing.

But the repeated hitting and the verbal abuse tells us that there's something bigger brewing under the surface.

You need to get out right now. No woman deserves to be hit and, hopefully, that will show him that you're not kidding around.

Tell him that you're not coming home until he undergoes counseling with you. I don't mean until he says he'll go to counseling, but until he actually completes two or three sessions with you.

If you won't leave, then at least pack a change of clothes for a couple of days and some cash and have a trusted friend or family member hold it for you. That way, when you do realize that you have to leave, you'll be somewhat prepared.

I counsel people in your position all the time and this will NOT go away on it's own.

 

[angielives4jesus]

With all due respect to BI, I do think an arguement could be made for at least presenting the ultimatum in non-combative way. In other words, not walking out the door screaming, "You're sick! You need to get help! If you don't, I'm leaving you forever, you wife beater!!!" It's probably much more effective to put him on the spot in the midst of conversation and say (as calmly as one can say such things), "I know you've been stressed but this sort of behavior isn't healthy or right. It hurts me and it hurts you. I love you, but you need to get some help right now. There's no future for us otherwise. I can't even stay in the house with you until you do. Neither of us wants that, so what do you say? I have a list of counselors right here." If he refuses, she can pack her stuff, leave the list and go.

It's still an ultimatum (actually, just the facts) either way. One just sounds a little bit more of a discussion.

What I wanted to say...only better. Also, I think the moment he slapped you over and over until you fell on the floor, he created an ultimatum. Whether you issue him one verbally or not, the ultimatum is there. You should leave (not divorce, just find a safe place) UNTIL he gets counseling and the trained professional feels you would be safe back in your home. I'm praying for you and I wish there was more I could do for you!

 

[BigNorsk]

A lot of people have mentioned police so I won't, but I would like to mention someone else that should be informed-his doctor! He is a manic-depressive, I assume undergoing therapy, and something went wrong, maybe he wasn't taking meds, maybe the whole house thing overpowered him, maybe, maybe, maybe. Whatever reason, reasons, or lack of reasons for his behavior, his doctor should know.

Doctors often operate in a complete vacuum, patient is doing horrible, goes for checkup, doctor asks how it's going, patient says fine, doctor thinks things actually are fine, and so on. Obviously, things aren't so fine for you and your husband. It's somewhat like an alcholic and drunk driving, being an alcholic doesn't really excuse one for driving drunk, but if you manage to control the alcholism the drunk driving is taken care of as well.

I just use that as an example, I am not diagnosing that he slapped you because of his manic-depression, but in any case his doctor should be involved.

Marv

 

[maxiii]

I am so sorry about what you are going through. However, let me give you some good news, you are in the right place. Let me ask you some questions and give you some advice at the same time:

-what does your support network look like? You need some strong Bible believing women around you.

-what church do you go to? You need a strong healthy bible believing church

-when did you get saved? what has your walk with the Lord looked like? How often do you read the Bible? How is your prayer life?

I am married to a person like your husband and we just went 10 hours away from our home and had a 4 hour surgury on our handicapped child. Talk about stress. With cooperation with the Lord based on the above questions, things are pretty peaceful even though my wife hates Jesus, God and me.

I will pray for you.

 

[freedom4all]

My ex-husband hit me for the first time after being married for almost 4 years. He was also bi-polar, and refused any treatment, in addition to many other problems he had/has. After it became clear that he had no intention of getting help, combined with past behavior/marital issues, I moved out, and got a separation, in the hopes that we could work things out. When he realized I was serious, he became nastier than ever, and I thought it would be unwise to continue the marriage that was detrimental to myself and our son. Yes, I filed a police report and restraining order. It was hell on me to "do" that to him, and I felt like a horrible person, but I had every right.

 

[Robinsegg]

Yes, I filed a police report and restraining order. It was hell on me to "do" that to him, and I felt like a horrible person, but I had every right.

But, what most people in America don't seem to understand is that you didn't do it to him. When he chose the action, he chose the consequence that came with it. It had little to do with you and much to do with the fact that actions have consequences.

Rachel

 

[Dylan_Chica]

any woman with any self respect should never let a man get away with hitting them. it's a cowardly and pathetic thing to do to hit a woman. i'd leave him immidiately and i encourage every other woman to do the same. don't let the coward get the satisfaction of taking his frustrations which he is too scared to deal with in other ways out on you.

 

[tizherself]

BE CAREFUL! Other responses have been right on the mark - don't let him start a cycle! This is what I mean:
- you're under stress at home (moving, bills, illness, whatever the reason..), he starts grumbling under his breath, snapping at you, perhaps picking little fights

- now it's like he's got a storm cloud brewing above his head, you're apprehensive when he comes home, you walk on eggshells, what if you say something wrong? what if you don't say the right thing when you're supposed to? What are you going to do/not do to set him off?

- he blows it! Maybe at first it's only shouting/cursing, maybe next it's getting in your face or a little push, next it's slapping, pushing, pinning you down...I personally got all the way to choking before I called the cops

- afterwards he tries to justify it, blame it on you, "you pushed his buttons" - it's all your fault

- he backs down a little, he shouldn't have gone there, but you should have.. .. -not questioned him - known when to leave him alone - checked with him first - fill in the blank...

- he realizes he was wrong, he doesn't know what came over him, he is so very sorry, can you ever forgive him

- life has never been better, he's thoughtful, romantic, amorous, generous like he hasn't been in years

until he's too stressed out, he starts grumbling under his breath, snapping at you.......it starts over.

He needs help. And you and your kids deserve peace of mind. If your marriage is worth fighting for, then do so - just don't continue by placing yourself at risk. Go to a counselor, your pastor, his doctor, whoever you think might help. And if he threatens you, corners you, even touches you aggresively, CALL THE POLICE!! Maybe it will snap him back to reality where wife beaters go to jail!! (If you could ask my husband he'd tell you - by the way there is hope, we're in counseling and God is making changes in our lives and our marriage, step at a time)

 

[cjba]

I truly hope you will take the advise of not allowing this to become a cycle. How you feel in regards to accepting his apology is very common. This is exactly what allows the cycle to begin.

I know this from first hand experience from childhood. I pray that you will want better for your children. If you will not take action for yourself then maybe you will do it for your children.

I grew up with a mother who was fearful of my father. Exactly as mentioned before living on egg shells. He got stressed, she got hit, we left in the middle of the night or early mornings and stayed with a family member or friend.

Then came the apology and the gifts. Even though I was very young I can still see these images of my parents cycle. They finally divorced 10 years later. I can honestly say this was the best thing for them. He did not get counseling until after the divorce many years later.

Give your children the gift of showing them to stand up for themselves. Show them this is not acceptable behavior for anyone to abuse another human being.

Most of all you will show them that everyone deserves to be respected. We do have control of our behavior. You will also show them that your made it clear to their father that he needed help in order to maintain his family.

One day as an adult I asked my mother why she stayed in the marriage. Her response was because of us children. She did not want us to grow up with divorced parents. My response was I wished you would of done it sooner. A child should not live in an abusive household.

 

[MaraPetra]

BE CAREFUL! Other responses have been right on the mark - don't let him start a cycle! This is what I mean:

- you're under stress at home (moving, bills, illness, whatever the reason..), he starts grumbling under his breath, snapping at you, perhaps picking little fights

- now it's like he's got a storm cloud brewing above his head, you're apprehensive when he comes home, you walk on eggshells, what if you say something wrong? what if you don't say the right thing when you're supposed to? What are you going to do/not do to set him off?

- he blows it! Maybe at first it's only shouting/cursing, maybe next it's getting in your face or a little push, next it's slapping, pushing, pinning you down...I personally got all the way to choking before I called the cops

- afterwards he tries to justify it, blame it on you, "you pushed his buttons" - it's all your fault

- he backs down a little, he shouldn't have gone there, but you should have.. .. -not questioned him - known when to leave him alone - checked with him first - fill in the blank...

- he realizes he was wrong, he doesn't know what came over him, he is so very sorry, can you ever forgive him

- life has never been better, he's thoughtful, romantic, amorous, generous like he hasn't been in years

until he's too stressed out, he starts grumbling under his breath, snapping at you.......it starts over.

He needs help. And you and your kids deserve peace of mind. If your marriage is worth fighting for, then do so - just don't continue by placing yourself at risk. Go to a counselor, your pastor, his doctor, whoever you think might help. And if he threatens you, corners you, even touches you aggresively, CALL THE POLICE!! Maybe it will snap him back to reality where wife beaters go to jail!! (If you could ask my husband he'd tell you - by the way there is hope, we're in counseling and God is making changes in our lives and our marriage, step at a time)

I totally agree, and add something as well.

Being bi-polar is an excuse, not the true cause. Being stressed is an excuse, not the true cause.

The true cause is a conscious lack of self-control, and a lack of respect for you.

I've worked with physically abused women (and I was emotionally abused for almost a decade), and a common thread runs through all of our experiences...The first time it happened, the husband was so remorseful afterwards that the wife forgave. Because there were no "penalties" for his abuse, the abuse happened again.

There's no such thing as "one-time domestic violence". A line got crossed when you were slapped around until you went to the floor. There's no going back across that line. Did you know that your chances of being abused again by your husband is now about 98%? Without penalties, and without you standing up for yourself NOW, things will only get worse.

Make your penalties stiff, and stick to them. Press charges if you have to. Otherwise, this will happen again.

You're at the beginning of a long-term abuse cycle. I know, it seems implausible that those "rules" apply to you, but the human psyche's a funny thing. Tizherself outlined the cycle, and it's accepted in most psychological circles. Please don't think, "Well, my husband won't do this again." That's the same thought other women, who spent years being beat, had, too.

There's difference between forgiving, and protecting yourself. Forgiving means you hold no grudges for what's happened. Protecting yourself means that you need to take action to ensure this doesn't happen again. Do NOT be a doormat on this issue...Your psychological and physical well-being rests on this pivotal moment in your life.

There are those here who are saying not to give ultimatums. It's faulted advice, given by someone who probably never bore the humiliation, pain, horror, helplessness and debilitation that abuse causes. If you don't give ultimatums, you're dooming yourself. If you aren't strong right now, things will happen again...and again...And again. And it WILL get worse. An abuser doesn't seek help unless the penalties are so severe that he has no other choice but to seek to change.

Above all, pray. God has a way of making the impossible happen, and He has a way of softening the hardest of hearts. But action here is paramount.

Look around this forum, and you will find women who bear the scars of long-term abuse. You'll find women like me, who were tortured emotionally...And you will find other women who have been beaten, slapped around, kicked, punched, hit with baseball bats, heads shoved through walls.

Some of them have already identified themselves to you. More probably will through PM. Please listen to the wisdom that experience offers.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Why do so many people act like he is an unforgiveable lifelong wifebeater? Sure they guy flipped out once and should face the music for it, but I don't know if labelling him as a habitual criminal is accurate or helpful.

 

[MaraPetra]

Why do so many people act like he is an unforgiveable lifelong wifebeater? Sure they guy flipped out once and should face the music for it, but I don't know if labelling him as a habitual criminal is accurate or helpful.

It depends on your level of "freaking out", as well as other indicators.

Case in point...A man or woman, pushed to the limits, may slap the face of their aggressor. This is followed by immediate regret, sorrow, and apologies. It's a single action, done in the heat of the moment, and is totally out of character for the person. There are no other factors, such as long-lived anger, a desire for cruelty, control issues, medical condition which facilitate the action, or a desire for obedience. It just happened, a flashpan instance which was immediately regretted.

Those are the actions of a normal, non-aggressive person who has been pushed too far.

Now, look at the factors in the OP's original post. This was no mere, one-slap instance. The husband lost sustained control and hit her repeatedly...In other words, unbridled aggression. Afterwards, he continues a tightly controlled anger, said he would never love her again, and he insisted that she would obey him. His post-aggression actions say more than the actual instance of slapping ever could.

These actions speak of a personality trait which has been hidden, and is finally emerging under stress. I'm betting that the OP has been urged to obey her husband before, because it sounds like a thorn in the husband's side. There were probably other early-sign indicators, such as days- or weeks-long sullenness after an argument, a lot of shouting, verbal put-downs, resentment if the wife questioned the husband, power-plays ("I can go out with the boys, but you need to stay home."), husband may chase away friends of his spouse, a history of cruelty to animals, not allowing the wife much money, and other, more subtle signs (I invite the OP to correct me if I'm wrong on this one.). After the hitting, the abuser tries to blame it on the person he abused ("You pushed my buttons", "You're always making me mad", "You were asking for it by not shutting up", etc). It's never the fault of the abuser's temper, or lack thereof.

Abuse isn't about pain, so much as it is about control of a weaker person, while the abuser retains his own freedoms to indulge himself. What the original OP is posting is signs of the beginning of the abusive cycle. That line for abuse has been crossed, and it's ominous, because an abuser will only bully (push) the abused until the abused finally gets enough of it and involves police, counseling, the church, or other intercessory personnel.

Autumleaf, abuse starts somewhere. I've dealt with enough abused women to say, with certainty, that this is a situation that calls for extreme caution, decisive action, and strength by the OP. Caught early, the abusive cycle can be averted through legal consequences, counseling, prayer and contrition (realization of the need to NOt go there again) by the abuser. Left to fester, it becomes a situation where the woman ends up beaten and traumatized. No woman walks into a marriage expecting to be treated like a possession instead of a human being. A woman can forgive and forgive, and that, as well as the love, can be taken advantage of. All too often, it IS taken advantage of, as any woman who felt her husband controlled her every move can tell you.

Let me put this another way...With a child, if he steals and is caught, the parent explains to him why such actions are wrong, makes him return the stolen property, apologize to the victim, and perform some sort of service for the victim as an act of restitution. What has the child learned?

Same child, same situation. But instead of the parent teaching him, the parent forgives him. Nothing else is done, and I can guarantee that the child will steal again, because no boundaries were established or enforced.

Same principle, although I've oversimplified a bit. For the woman to ignore the warning signs, she will be giving her husband free license to abuse her again.

Make sense now?

 

[Telrunya]

It depends on your level of "freaking out", as well as other indicators.

Case in point...A man or woman, pushed to the limits, may slap the face of their aggressor. This is followed by immediate regret, sorrow, and apologies. It's a single action, done in the heat of the moment, and is totally out of character for the person. There are no other factors, such as long-lived anger, a desire for cruelty, control issues, medical condition which facilitate the action, or a desire for obedience. It just happened, a flashpan instance which was immediately regretted.

Those are the actions of a normal, non-aggressive person who has been pushed too far.

Now, look at the factors in the OP's original post. This was no mere, one-slap instance. The husband lost sustained control and hit her repeatedly...In other words, unbridled aggression. Afterwards, he continues a tightly controlled anger, said he would never love her again, and he insisted that she would obey him. His post-aggression actions say more than the actual instance of slapping ever could.

These actions speak of a personality trait which has been hidden, and is finally emerging under stress. I'm betting that the OP has been urged to obey her husband before, because it sounds like a thorn in the husband's side. There were probably other early-sign indicators, such as days- or weeks-long sullenness after an argument, a lot of shouting, verbal put-downs, resentment if the wife questioned the husband, power-plays ("I can go out with the boys, but you need to stay home."), husband may chase away friends of his spouse, a history of cruelty to animals, not allowing the wife much money, and other, more subtle signs (I invite the OP to correct me if I'm wrong on this one.). After the hitting, the abuser tries to blame it on the person he abused ("You pushed my buttons", "You're always making me mad", "You were asking for it by not shutting up", etc). It's never the fault of the abuser's temper, or lack thereof.

Abuse isn't about pain, so much as it is about control of a weaker person, while the abuser retains his own freedoms to indulge himself. What the original OP is posting is signs of the beginning of the abusive cycle. That line for abuse has been crossed, and it's ominous, because an abuser will only bully (push) the abused until the abused finally gets enough of it and involves police, counseling, the church, or other intercessory personnel.

Autumleaf, abuse starts somewhere. I've dealt with enough abused women to say, with certainty, that this is a situation that calls for extreme caution, decisive action, and strength by the OP. Caught early, the abusive cycle can be averted through legal consequences, counseling, prayer and contrition (realization of the need to NOt go there again) by the abuser. Left to fester, it becomes a situation where the woman ends up beaten and traumatized. No woman walks into a marriage expecting to be treated like a possession instead of a human being. A woman can forgive and forgive, and that, as well as the love, can be taken advantage of. All too often, it IS taken advantage of, as any woman who felt her husband controlled her every move can tell you.

Let me put this another way...With a child, if he steals and is caught, the parent explains to him why such actions are wrong, makes him return the stolen property, apologize to the victim, and perform some sort of service for the victim as an act of restitution. What has the child learned?

Same child, same situation. But instead of the parent teaching him, the parent forgives him. Nothing else is done, and I can guarantee that the child will steal again, because no boundaries were established or enforced.

Same principle, although I've oversimplified a bit. For the woman to ignore the warning signs, she will be giving her husband free license to abuse her again.

Make sense now?

I understand what you are saying and I understand better than most the cycle of abuse. What Autumleaf is saying (atleast what I think he is saying and he can correct me) and I agree with is where is the room for forgiveness here? Yes this guy has something to be dealt with and there is no excuse for what he did. Yes the nature of what he did indicates deeper issues than just stress like maybe he's Bi-polar as the OP stated from the begining and doesn't know how to control his exessive emotions or take medication for his condition.

So many people on this thread are advocating tossing the guy in jail and throwing away the key, and permanate separation and divorce where counciling, medication for his Bi-polar disorder, and work will save this marriage.

What the OP cannot and should not do is just accept an appology and move on, no matter how heartfelt his appology may seem. He's bi-polar. If he feels remorse over what he's done then he feels a TON of remorse. Later on though when he feels angry he's going to feel extremely angry and the remorse he feels now wont be a factor at all. Bi polar moodswings aren't an instant thing. Thats schizophrenia. Bi-polar is prolonged, some times even weeks with spots of heightened emotions or deression depending on which way they are swinging at the time. I dont find it suprizing at all that he hit her multiple times and retained his anger given his condition.

All of that doesn't excuse him at all. It's obvious that this couple knows his condition and it is his responsibility to deal with it before something like this happens again. That is why I recommended immeadiate temporary separation (but not divorce) and that conditions of reuniting be met such as counciling and seeing a doctor about his condition for medication.

 

[angielives4jesus]

So many people on this thread are advocating tossing the guy in jail and throwing away the key, and permanate separation and divorce where counciling, medication for his Bi-polar disorder, and work will save this marriage.

I agree with this! Counseling, medication and lots and lots of hard work could save this marriage. I think what people on this thread mean (and I in no way speak for them, only myself) is that he has to agree to the above before a reconciliation can occur. She should have a temporary separation until a trained professional can safely say they will be safe in the same home.

 

[bliz]

Why do so many people act like he is an unforgiveable lifelong wifebeater? Sure they guy flipped out once and should face the music for it, but I don't know if labelling him as a habitual criminal is accurate or helpful.

Why? Becasue this is what all of the research indicates and what all of the people with experience in this know. Abuse has a pattern of behavior and from what little we know, this guy is right in line with the pattern. People do not batter their spopuses one time and never do it again. Not without major help in learning how to stop the cycle.

 

[Telrunya]

Why? Becasue this is what all of the research indicates and what all of the people with experience in this know. Abuse has a pattern of behavior and from what little we know, this guy is right in line with the pattern. People do not batter their spopuses one time and never do it again. Not without major help in learning how to stop the cycle.

So why not recommend to this poor woman a temporary separation and the hard work and major help as a condition of reuniting with her husband? Is he a lost cause and totally unforgivable for this one act? Not so. If that were the case then we would all be lost. As you said we have little information here so why assume he is unredeemable and unrepentant? You say people do not batter their spouses and never do it again, but I say with help this can be the exception to your rule there. Thank God He is more powerful than us and able to do all things including healing this situation.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

So many people on this thread are advocating tossing the guy in jail and throwing away the key, and permanate separation and divorce where counciling, medication for his Bi-polar disorder, and work will save this marriage.

Got yourself a little flair for drama, eh? I may have missed the post that advocated locking the guy up, throwing away the key, divorcing him and beating up his cat while they are at it.

You have a number of folks here who have been victims of abuse or work with victims of abuse. I've been in both camps myself. We 'recognize' this individual. Some of us even 'recognize' the wife. No, we don't know them but, boy, if this is not a classic case of abuse (and, so far, its outcome), I don't know what is.

No need to be melodramatic. I don't think anybody has said divorce him now or put him away for life. Quite the opposite. If you read the posts you'll find just as much concern for him as her. While you may believe that 'turning him in' is cruel and unusual, I'd say it could be a huge blessing in his life over the long run.

 

[bliz]

So why not recommend to this poor woman a temporary separation and the hard work and major help as a condition of reuniting with her husband? Is he a lost cause and totally unforgivable for this one act? Not so. If that were the case then we would all be lost. As you said we have little information here so why assume he is unredeemable and unrepentant? You say people do not batter their spouses and never do it again, but I say with help this can be the exception to your rule there. Thank God He is more powerful than us and able to do all things including healing this situation.

You and I are in agreement. Once she is in a safe place, (phsically and emotionaly) I think they both have a moral obligation to work on the marriage. Part of working on the marriage is his getting help - bio-chemical, psychological and spiritual. I have not assumed that he is unredeemable! We are all redeemable, thanks to God! But I am not in favor of her being beaten up, or yelled at, or fearful that she will be beaten up, or starting to think that this is all her fault, as the marriage is worked on.

I fully agree - once a batterer/always a batterer does not have to be true. But it is a very difficult journey, with a very high attrition rate and no one has managed to do it without getting help and admitting and fully believing that they have done something wrong. So far, from what we know, he's not on board.

 

[Ashlynn]

I don't have a sliver of advice for you, seems like many others have it down, but after reading this, at first I thought I wouldnt know what to do in a situation if for some reason, my husband when plumb out of his mind and placed his hands on me, in anything but a loving manner, but I realize that I do know.
Thank you for helping me to realize that.
Hope whatever happens things improve for you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I'm not wanting pity, I just need a place to vent. Yesterday we closed on our first new house. We have both been super stressed out. This morning I got out of the shower and he was yelling at me so I told him that I would just stay here and he could go live in the new house. And he started slapping me over and over and over until I fell and then I got away to go to the bathroom because I was shocked and hurting and crying. And he starts screaming at me and saying how he will never have any feelings for me ever again and telling me I am a psycho and that I WILL start listening to him and obeying him. He was yelling at me because the house was messy (we are in the very middle of moving and I have been the only person packing and I'm also a part time nurse and have 2 kids that I've been running all over). He's been off work for 2 days and didn't even put a single thing in a box. I'm still in shock and hurt by his words and actions. I've literally given every cent I have to this house and have no money to go away with. Does anyone have any advice? Please pray for him if you get time through the week.
thanks for reading, again, I don't want pity, I just am lost and don't know what to do now. I just signed a life long financial commitment with him for this house and now he thinks he can start this.

Lacey

There is absolutely no excuse for this ever. None. Saying sorry doesn't cut it. it is entirely up to your graciousness to give him another chance. Hitting your wife is absolutely sick.
Your financial committment doesn't matter if your life is a constant misery of worrying about being beaten. Do you ahve kids? What if you have them someday? Do they need a father who beats mommy, or even them?

if you tolerate this behavior it will just reinforce to him that he's right and to you that you deserve it. That is a load of crap. Go to a shelter if you have to. Just get out of there. NOW.
he needs to show fruits of getting help and changing before you consider giving him another chance, and only one other chance.