my husband hit me.

[Entertaining_Angels]

Please, your reply most of all worries me because it is so 'typical' and what I expected you to say. Please get that police report. You really need to get it. Like most victims of abuse you are going to find your husband to be very apologetic right now and you are going to want to forgive him and do nothing. That will be your biggest mistake. Seriously. You said in your first post you don't want pity for what happened. Honestly, for me, since I've seen so much of this, you don't have to worry about that. However, if you don't stand up for yourself, you will have my pity because I'd love to see you be strong. Turning your husband in is not for the weak, which are the ones who are abused time and again, but for the strong. I pray you are strong enough to stand up not only for yourself but for your children.

Strong words, I know, but I feel they are needed. Your initial reaction is what is going to make or break a potential cycle of abuse.

 

[euphoria]

If you do nothing about this now, it will continue. Make a police report and/or leave for a while. It will send a message to him that you will not tolerate the abuse. Try to mend the marriage is you wish, but if it happens again, leave and don't look back. My uncle almost killed my aunt. She kept forgiving him until she lost her eye from his abuse, and then landed in the hospital with multiple bruises after that. Don't let it become a vicious cycle.

 

[snoochface]

It sounds like I'm late with this information because you are going to try to talk things through with your husband... but bear in mind that in the U.S., you typically have 72 hours to get out of your house purchase before you are locked in. It might be something to consider if you think you might need to get somewhere safer in the next day or two.

 

[TexasSky]

To whoever said that it was "unbelievable" - extreme stress in life can alter lifetime behavior patterns. People who thought they would never harm their children or their spouse can become very abusive after years of calm living.

It isn't an excuse. It is, though, a reality.

 

[newcreature]

Correct me if I am wrong, but i think that there has been abuse in the past. I am thinking of verbal, emotional, and mental abuse.

Abuse, as I have experienced it, did not start out by being struck by my ex. I promise, it will snowball from there. Find an escape, fast!

 

[Oblivious]

I don't really have anything else to say other than what's already been said:

1. Let the authorities (police) know.

2. Get him help.

3. If #2 doesn't work and this behavior continues, perhaps it's time to start thinking about "moving on" so to speak.

Abuse is never, ever acceptable - regardless if it's verbal or physical.

I'll be praying for your situation.

 

[Godisgr8r]

I've actually been in more than one "fight" with my ex-husband. I told him for 18 years that he needed to get help. When I made it an ultimatum, he divorced me. It didn't stop with me, he hit the children too. My oldest daughter didn't go to school on more than one occasion because of bruises he left on her. Once he thinks he got away with hitting you, he won't stop until you make him stop. I know how hard it is to get away. I didn't for 18 years. I told very few people what was going on. Do not let him promise you anything without following through. You did not provoke this. It is not your fault. NEVER NEVER NEVER should anybody hit you. I don't care if you stood in front of him and told him to hit you. My ex-husband is bi-polar too. He could control himself, he just chose not to.

 

[RedTulipMom]

I strongly advise you to make a police report so that he knows what he did is NOT OK. My cousin was in a similiar situation. Her husband beat on her 5 yrs after they got married. She actually had a bloody lip and swollen eye. She called the police. He got brought in. She didnt end up pressing charges but she told him FLAT OUT..'THAT is the LAST time you will ever hit me..Do it again and i am LEAVING!! " Guess what...it was the ONLY time he ever did it. 5 more years have now passed. They are still married. He learned from getting hauled into the police station and from her STRONG STANCE on "this is NOT acceptable" and he never did it again!
you need to nip this in the bud IMMEDIATELY! Dont wait till it happens again!! I would file a police report and then tell him in no uncertain terms that he better NEVER hit you again or your taking the kids and leaving..and MEAN it! and if he ever does hit you again..LEAVE!! Go to a battered womans shelter or a friends or family members! he MUST get the STRONG message that you WILL NOT tolerate it...or guess what? he will keep doing it!!!

 

[bliz]

It sounds like I'm late with this information because you are going to try to talk things through with your husband... but bear in mind that in the U.S., you typically have 72 hours to get out of your house purchase before you are locked in. It might be something to consider if you think you might need to get somewhere safer in the next day or two.

1. Contact the lawyer on the house closing and see if you can stop the purchase of the house from going through.

2. Either he leaves or you do. I'm not talking divorce - I'm talking seperation. Woman's shelter, someone from church should take you in. Get somewhere safe!!!

3. File a police report.

4. This will happen again. I suspect the pressure and stress of buying the house (that has sucked up all of your money) may have set him off this time, made him feel out of control, and so he lashes out at you to help himself feel back in control. This may have been the first time he hit you, but there have been issues with anger before. This is text book. He will have to be more and more violent to make himself feel in control. Oh course he will apologize, of course he will be loving - for awhile. And then it will happen again.

5. Insist on couples counseling and anger management counseling for him before you will allow him back in the house.

6. If he will not get the counseling, file for divorce. I do not say this casually or easily, but if he will not get help,
head but pain and heartache.

 

[ImaginaryVoyager]

It is my belief that any man who would hit his wife, and subsequently refuse counselling, and can be said to be "departing" the marriage per 1 Cor 7:15.

I'd make counselling for your husband a condition of remaining married to you. I'd do whatever I could to stay out of his physical presence until after his first appointment. Hopefully your pastor, or someone in your church can recommend a good counsellor and attorney to advise you regarding the financial concerns with the new house.

Go back and read Godisgr8r's post. Don't wait 18 years, or even another day. Give him this ultimatum NOW.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I wish there was a feel-good, easy way to solve this, but there isn't. I pray for God's wisdom and blessings on you and the ultimate healing of your marriage.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

sweetie..im so so sorry this happened to you. stress is no excuse for violence, he needs to know that this is utterly unacceptable..do you have anyone nearby that you could stay with til some sort of action takes place, whether it be couseling or a divorce. if you could get him to go to counseling i would also temperarily seperate myself from him for a while. dont wait til this gets worse to do something...dont wait til someone gets seriously hurt.

 

[deb7648]

i know these things are easier said than done
the police,leaving,giving up the home, but
please dont believe this is a one time thing
i have been where you are i loved my husband
dearly and lived throu years of abuse and
1000's of apoligies my husband passed away
6 years ago next week (cancer) at the young
age of 40 the marrage i just entered into is so
different apart of me believes god took my husband
for he knew i would never leave and had better in
store for me .i know this statement is not a very
good thing to say and alot will differ in thought
but please dont waste years of your life if you
need to talk please pm me
you are in my prayers

 

[InTheFlame]

*hug*

In all of this, be very careful that you don't forget about what's best for your husband. I get the impression that you're the sort of person who'll overlook bad behaviour - once the person's apologised, at least - for the good of the relationship. But I suspect that you also don't realise that if a person doesn't suffer bad consequences for a bad action, they won't learn to avoid doing that bad action. If you take away the bad consequences for him, then you're ultimately doing HIM harm by taking away his opportunity for personal growth. So far you're the only one who's suffered any consequences for his loss of temper and self-control.

I'm NOT telling you to be vengeful. Don't be nasty to him. But it's like if you're holding a toddler, and the toddler deliberately hits you in the face - you put the toddler down for two reasons - so he can't hit you in the face anymore, and so that he loses the privilege of being close to you for a while and realises that violence has bad consequences. You protect your face, he learns a valuable lesson.

I can't explain it as well as I'd like - if you can get hold of a book called Boundaries in Marriage (by Drs Cloud and Townsend), have a read of it. I think it'll help you see what I'm trying to say. Or have a look at these articles:

The Simple Scoop on Boundaries
Creating Healthy Boundaries
He Shoves Me

 

[free4all]

he started slapping me over and over and over until I fell and then I got away

Do you realize how close to serious injury you were?

Do you realize how out of control he was?

This sounds like classic bipolar aggression.

If you allow him to use bipolar (or stress) as an excuse to abuse, it will never end.

Police report? Absolutely.

Ultimatum? Absolutely.

Boundaries in Marriage? Absolutely.

Or choose to be abused again.

 

[bliz]

Ultimatums are harmful. Don't use them. Discussion of what it will take to heal your marriage is warranted however.. but it must be a *discussion* and not an ultimatum. They are not the same thing. To say "this is what we must do to be healed" and to say "this is what YOU must do to remain married to me" are two very vastly different things.

Fine. Then I suggest that she say "We should discuss how you battered me the other day. We must stop beating me up."

Of course he cannot be forced to do anything. But she can make him aware of what the consequences will be if he does not take specific actions. Restoring and preserving the marriage would be great! I'm all for that! But at what cost? If being beaten up by a person who has vowed to love you and care for you in all circumstances is the cost, it's too high. If he refuses to get help, what does that say about how he views his actions and their relationship?

She should get herself counsling no matter what, but the reality is that it is hard enough for abusers to change when they admit they did wrong and get help, without any help the chanceds are very small.

 

[Athene]

Anyone suggesting an ultimatum is severely mistaken with their advice, imo. An ultimatumonly hurts a relationship even further, it does NOT help. You cannot force anyone to go to counselling, you cannot force anyone to do anything. The only person you can make do anything is *yourself*.

Whether your husband wants to go to counselling or not, *you* (the OP) make sure that you get counselling. That may seem unfair, but truly its not, because you as well need support from a trained professional in a situation like this. And since you are the only one you have any control over, you must carry out the actions to keep yourself healthy even if your husband will not do the same thing.

Ultimatums ("do this or we get divorced", "do this to remain married to me") are not the answer, and it shocks me to see such advice here. Ultimatums, regardless of what they concern, are demeaning, insulting, and disrespectful.. to use one is to wage war on your own marriage.

And ontop of it, ultimatums don't even work. People cannot change because they are forced. They must change becauswe they want to change, because they have made the conscious decision to change. If they do not, if they instead make the choice to please someone else, the original behavior WILL return. So in truth, an ultimatum puts everyone in even more danger.. one party will supress themselves for the other, and sometime in the future, that supression will break down.. and the truth will come raging out, possibly in the form of anger and violence beyond anything previously experienced.

Ultimatums are harmful. Don't use them. Discussion of what it will take to heal your marriage is warranted however.. but it must be a *discussion* and not an ultimatum. They are not the same thing. To say "this is what we must do to be healed" and to say "this is what YOU must do to remain married to me" are two very vastly different things.

~ ~

I disagree . . completely, this isn't a situation where you sit down with you SO and have friendly little chat about the time he slapped you round the face so much you fell to the floor. This is the time for ultimatums, this is when you say "I will not tolerate this behaviour, you get counselling right now this second or you walk out of that door and you never come back"

IMO the OP has every right to demand that her husband never hit her again, and to seek help for his temper if he wishes to remain married to her.

 

[Utah Knight]

i would file with the police i don't care how stressed out he may have been it could end up much worse next time there is no excuse for a Man hitting a Woman in any case
Personally i would get him to seek pycological help or leave him

 

[gracefaith]

And ontop of it, ultimatums don't even work. People cannot change because they are forced. They must change becauswe they want to change, because they have made the conscious decision to change. If they do not, if they instead make the choice to please someone else, the original behavior WILL return.

I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not sure that ultimatums don't work. It's not about forcing someone to change, it's about making it unequivocally clear what they will loose if they choose not to change. There have been countless wives (and families) that have hit rock bottom and said to their husbands, "It's either me or the booze" and meant it. Confronted with this, many men have actually realized the truth, chosen their wives and sobered up. Ultimatums are what interventions are all about.

In addition, ultimatums also serve a purpose for the victim. It's a line in the sand for her too. Either he stops his unacceptable behavior and gets help or she leaves. If she's not worth it to him to change, at least she'll know this unequivocally and can move on. Better to know for sure than to engage in months of unclear emotional tug-a-war. Her deciding to say this outloud to his face will help her protect herself too.

 

[Oblivious]

Anyone suggesting an ultimatum is severely mistaken with their advice, imo. An ultimatumonly hurts a relationship even further, it does NOT help. You cannot force anyone to go to counselling, you cannot force anyone to do anything. The only person you can make do anything is *yourself*.

Whether your husband wants to go to counselling or not, *you* (the OP) make sure that you get counselling. That may seem unfair, but truly its not, because you as well need support from a trained professional in a situation like this. And since you are the only one you have any control over, you must carry out the actions to keep yourself healthy even if your husband will not do the same thing.

Ultimatums ("do this or we get divorced", "do this to remain married to me") are not the answer, and it shocks me to see such advice here. Ultimatums, regardless of what they concern, are demeaning, insulting, and disrespectful.. to use one is to wage war on your own marriage.

And ontop of it, ultimatums don't even work. People cannot change because they are forced. They must change becauswe they want to change, because they have made the conscious decision to change. If they do not, if they instead make the choice to please someone else, the original behavior WILL return. So in truth, an ultimatum puts everyone in even more danger.. one party will supress themselves for the other, and sometime in the future, that supression will break down.. and the truth will come raging out, possibly in the form of anger and violence beyond anything previously experienced.

Ultimatums are harmful. Don't use them. Discussion of what it will take to heal your marriage is warranted however.. but it must be a *discussion* and not an ultimatum. They are not the same thing. To say "this is what we must do to be healed" and to say "this is what YOU must do to remain married to me" are two very vastly different things.

~ ~

Ultimatums? So you don't think an ultimatum for the man to quit HITTING the woman is acceptable?

Yeah....sure, waiting for him to "want" to change will work. Meanwhile, he continues to verbally and physically abuse her.

Unbelievable...

 

[gracefaith]

With all due respect to BI, I do think an arguement could be made for at least presenting the ultimatum in non-combative way. In other words, not walking out the door screaming, "You're sick! You need to get help! If you don't, I'm leaving you forever, you wife beater!!!" It's probably much more effective to put him on the spot in the midst of conversation and say (as calmly as one can say such things), "I know you've been stressed but this sort of behavior isn't healthy or right. It hurts me and it hurts you. I love you, but you need to get some help right now. There's no future for us otherwise. I can't even stay in the house with you until you do. Neither of us wants that, so what do you say? I have a list of counselors right here." If he refuses, she can pack her stuff, leave the list and go.

It's still an ultimatum (actually, just the facts) either way. One just sounds a little bit more of a discussion.