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My Girlfriend's Lack Of Virginity

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Thrall, Nov 28, 2021.

  1. Thrall

    Thrall New Member

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    I (19m) began a relationship with a girl (20) about 2 months ago and learned shortly after that she had lost her virginity approximately 1 year prior to a man twice her age. I'm saving myself for marriage and had always thought this would be a deal breaker, but the situation sounds like rape. She never spoke to him again after it happened. I feel like I have a great woman and I wanna be with her but lately I feel bitterness over the situation, mostly towards the man that did it. It bothers me that he would be her first, and not me. Perhaps it's a pride issue. Anyways, this plight has weighed heavily upon me and I would be thankful for any productive advice on moving forward.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2021
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  2. RDKirk

    RDKirk Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner Supporter

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    What is her position with Jesus? Is she a Christian? Will she be obedient to the Lord?

    That's where you ought to start.
     
  3. All4Christ

    All4Christ ✙ The Handmaid of God Laura ✙ CF Senior Ambassador Supporter

    +7,589
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    It may be worth deleting some details, as this will be cached on Google shortly and can be seen by the public (including your girlfriend if she stumbles upon this). This may be better suited for the private threads in the Ask a Chaplain forum.

    That said, I recommend praying about it. Pray for God to help you with a proper response to this. It sounds simplistic, but I think it is the most critical thing for you to do.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2021
  4. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +8,542
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    In our sinful world, young women can find themselves in situations which they cannot completely control. It appears that your girlfriend has had this unfortunate experience. It would be a shame if you allowed her past victimization to be a stumbling-block between you.
     
  5. sandman

    sandman Senior Member

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    Pure and simple ...It's pride

    There is no way you can change this... absolutely none. Find a way to let it go... which means change your thinking. If you don't ...you need to call it quits........... because this will always be an obstacle if you can't fully let it go.
     
  6. lsume

    lsume Well-Known Member Supporter

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    It may be difficult but if you hope to have happiness in the future with this woman, you need to let it go.
    John.8
    1. [7] So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
     
  7. dzheremi

    dzheremi Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian

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    I don't if there's some canon somewhere dealing with this, but I'd have a hard time seeing her as not a virgin anymore because she was a victim of sexual assault. I guess technically she wouldn't be, but then I don't know that God runs the universe on technicalities like that.

    As far as the idea of someone else getting to have her first or whatever, I know you're very young and probably not very experienced in relationships, but I would try my hardest to jettison that whole approach if I were you. We do not really own our own bodies, no matter how society makes it feel like we do. In reality, God has created us and it is unto Him that we will return. If He blesses you with a companion, then it is to His glory, and for your edification (and hers, we should hope). And of course recall St. Paul's famous thoughts on love here (in 1 Corinthians 13: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking..." (etc.)

    That is our goal.
     
  8. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +16,670
    Australia
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    This may be blunt, but I hope you can hear it as a sincere attempt to be helpful. I think your focus is on the wrong place. This isn't about who was her "first," (as if it were a race to plant a flag on the moon, or something). If your girlfriend was raped, and you are more bothered by the fact that some other guy got in first than by the fact it was rape... I'd say you need to work on seeing your girlfriend as a whole person in her own right, who deserves to be treated well in every situation, rather than a trophy to be claimed.

    And then ask yourself what it looks like for you to love her honourably at this stage in your lives.
     
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  9. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    Has she been 100% honest with you about that?
     
  10. GoldenKingGaze

    GoldenKingGaze Prevent Slavery, support the persecuted.

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    Being her first love or at least her foremost is an important honour. If it were in need of a defender, she would hope in you to protect it. And you would take courage and defend, I suppose. It does matter, and it is not a matter of pride, although, pride can be called a virtue. Pride can be a bad thing, according to Luke, it is unclean. But if being proud of something means you love it, loving is a good thing. Don't cut back on love.

    If you love her, you love her honour. The honour of knowing her as a wife, having her acceptance, emotions, appearance, kindness...

    So if she has given it to someone else, part of the honour, you are understandably offended, and following that, you must forgive her, whether or not she is your ultimate choice of wife. Because Jesus forgives you and you must in turn even forgive the terrorists true?

    Forgiving releases you from thinking of them and their ugliest moments. Such thoughts are worth less than nothing to your happiness...

    Real forgiveness is not just forgetting about it, letting it go, or understating how bad it is or lessening what what standard you have for false humility...

    Jesus creates reconciliation through His painful death and now glorious blood. Just like you can be born again Jesus blood can fill and cover you, that is, be applied to your presence. It helps us move out some forgiveness, cleans our hearts... can yet lead to being born again.

    When were you born again? When was she born again? When she is born again, her spirit will be sanctified and separate from the other man and set for special purposes, maybe for you. The history of her body remains faulted. You can give her that she what she genuinely owes you, she cannot repay, and release her from the that debt, and either pursue her or someone else. You are free. If you find forgiving hard, keep trying. We need the ability to be Christian. Receive the laying on of hands.

    Also, the anointing breaks the yoke of bondage and after being born again, if you fornicate, Jesus blood makes you clean, sanctified and restores both your honours.

    Jesus doesn't want getting even or just letting it go. He wants, restoration. He paid for it. It should not go to waste.

    There are Biblical promises of restoration. "See I make all things new."

    Love will build you up.

    Her seed and yours are a matter of honour, and becoming a father in so, is an hour, right?

    If she is your choice to commit to as your significant other, than forgive her for not giving you the whole honour, but also ask Jesus to re-sanctify her and restore her to you. You don't have to stop loving honour, love itself, friendship, esteem, holiness...

    And you have to forgive the other guy. For the inappropriate successful advances on a 19 year old woman.

    Try to forgive from the heart and mind and will... make a start, but forgetting is not humanly possible but you can well put the ugly, off your mind quite well.

    God loves you wants you whole and restored. So your other half if you so choose and succeed, should be restored, re-imbursed with honour and maybe delivered from an unclean spirit.

    Jesus offered the woman at the well, living water. I have personally had some. And it refreshes the heart, makes one want to shout praises. It all comes from Jesus. Jesus is the answer Himself.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2021
  11. Albion

    Albion Factchecker

    +31,855
    United States
    Anglican
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    Hello, Thrall. We appreciate that this problem you're dealing with weighs on you and is difficult to put out of your mind, but the way forward isn't as elusive as it must seem to you now.

    You are tormented by not being 'the first' and also by the possible rape, but here's the point you need to handle--

    How much do you care for this young woman? Maybe it's too soon in your relationship to be able to answer that with certainty. However, if you want it to go on and grow, and it looks as though that's a possibility, put what happened behind you.

    If you don't, it will poison your budding relationship. And, by the way, this doesn't mean that everything that happened in the past with everybody should or can be forgotten in all circumstances, but I am speaking now only about this particular issue you brought to us.

    Let it go if you want the relationship to have a chance.

    If you'd rather know what, exactly, happened and why...even at the cost of the relationship, then pursue it, but I'd opt for the first choice myself.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2021
  12. GoldenKingGaze

    GoldenKingGaze Prevent Slavery, support the persecuted.

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    Two books come to mind, Joyce Meyer's The Battlefield of the Mind and Beauty for Ashes. And just the title from a Baptist, Henry Blackaby, Experiencing Jesus. Let hardship make you turn more to God and make you sweeter.
     
  13. Yeshua HaDerekh

    Yeshua HaDerekh Men dream of truth, find it then cant live with it

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    You were not her first but will you be her last? That is what you need to decide...if you love her and she loves you, then you will be her last in marriage :)
     
  14. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Another thought occurs to me.

    As men, we represent different roles toward the women we associate with.

    Too often, we take on the role of predator ... and only see women as a prize to win.

    An alternative is to take on the role of rescuer ... and protector. You have already started down this path with your girlfriend ... and it is an honorable thing. She has already had experience with predatory men, ... with a possible rape in her past, ... she needs a rescuer now, ... one who is willing to care for her ... rather than to take from her.

    The right woman is worth rescuing ... and it has nothing to do with whether you are first or not. Having that as your priority ... makes you more of a predator seeking a prize. She doesn't need any more of that.

    She needs (and will need) ... tenderness, understanding, fidelity ... real love. You may not love her yet (it is your choice) ... but to be who she needs, and who God needs for you to be for her ... you will have to develop an enveloping love and commitment to her ... a love that she can nestle into to feel safe ... in what is too often a cruel world.

    In other words ... yo can be just another black knight (interested only in what you can get) ... or you can be her white knight. The choice is yours ...
     
  15. GoldenKingGaze

    GoldenKingGaze Prevent Slavery, support the persecuted.

    +412
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    It is a good thing if you can pray, seek God's Spirit and word to you, also knowing the whole Bible, and ask God who to marry. He is a great match maker, in the Bible and today the same. I heard of stories of God doing this. And you can find the right one, from higher knowing. All people here can do is sharpen as iron on iron, as the proverb goes.

    Some people meet their wives at Bible college, others at conferences or youth groups, or prayer groups... and you can give her the love you have.
     
  16. Peter J Barban

    Peter J Barban Well-Known Member

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    Of course, everyone has pride but I don't agree that this is a pride issue.

    Your desire to be her first, assuming in marriage, is the Biblical ideal. There is nothing wrong with aspiring for God's best. Now, however, you have to deal with this less than ideal situation.

    1. You could gently drop the relationship and look for a more ideal marriage partner. There is no sin in this. You are free to choose, as is she. Don't let others guilt you into staying with her - that's likely to lead to more bitterness.

    2. You could accept that she cannot meet your ideal and make the best of an imperfect situation. Again, you are free to choose, as is she. Generally, learning to love imperfect people is a path to godliness.

    3. Either way, you should do your best to forgive the other man and your girlfriend. Don't let other people's failures control your thoughts and feelings.

    4. A big question (that we forumers don't need to know) is - does she feel disappointed that she can't be your first. If she does, then you have similar values and can work out the issue together. If she doesn't, then your values are very different and you will likely have a difficult future together.
     
  17. dzheremi

    dzheremi Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian

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    What about this option: Not treating her like she's dirty or 'used goods' or some kind of sub-optimal choice because she's a victim of sexual assault.

     
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  18. WolfGate

    WolfGate Senior Member Supporter

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    It is the worst of pride on your part. Either work through this sin in your life, or move on to another relationship. She deserves someone who understands her value and is worthy of her. Are you able to grow into being that man?
     
  19. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    Has she been taking active steps to heal (i.e. counseling with a good counselor who specializes in dealing with sexual trauma)? Has she been dealing with this in healthy or unhealthy ways?
     
  20. myst33

    myst33 Well-Known Member

    +1,614
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    If something makes you unsatisfied now when you are just 19, you have plenty of time to look for somebody else. You are not married, you are just dating. Do not suppose you are somehow obligated to stay with her. Its what dating is for, for recognizing if you want to be with her for the rest of the life.

    Give it some time and you will see. Maybe it will solve by itself and you will break up because of something else, anyway. And maybe you will meet somebody who is more suitable. And maybe you will get over it and you will stay with her.

    In any case, try not to make this dating too bonding, keep it on a "friendship" level so that a possible break up will not be too painful for any of you.

    ----

    And ignore all the negative comments on your address from other people in this thread. You have no obligation to be with somebody when not married. Everybody has some preferences what he looks for in a possible spouse and its neither sin nor a bad thing.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2021
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