My Girlfriend's Lack Of Virginity

[Sparagmos]

I (19m) began a relationship with a girl (20) about 2 months ago and learned shortly after that she had lost her virginity approximately 1 year prior to a man twice her age. I'm saving myself for marriage and had always thought this would be a deal breaker, but the situation sounds like rape. She never spoke to him again after it happened. I feel like I have a great woman and I wanna be with her but lately I feel bitterness over the situation, mostly towards the man that did it. It bothers me that he would be her first, and not me. Perhaps it's a pride issue. Anyways, this plight has weighed heavily upon me and I would be thankful for any productive advice on moving forward.

Your take on this makes me very sad. Your girlfriend was raped and your more concerned for you own feelings about not being her ‘first’ than you are for her well-being and recovery.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

A lot of people have said a pride issue but I think its more of a forgiveness issue. You said you have kept yourself for marriage but from what you've said it seems like you feel betrayed because you are entering a situation where your partner has by your account been assaulted. I would say you need to forgive the man involved as God requires us to forgive even when its hard to do. You may also need to forgive your partner over the bitterness you feel.

 

[Trusting in Him]

Has it occurred to you that this woman might be God's gift to you and you might be God's gift to her! If you truely love her, you will accept her as she is. Do you not believe that God can not bless the future for both of you. You can't change the past, but the future is another matter. If you love her and she loves you, then you've got something which not everyone gets in this life. It may have been very hard for her to tell you about what had previously happened to her.

Do you suppose that she would have told you at all, if she was not really serious about you and did not want to hold anything back from you. Wake up and smell the coffee! Everone has a past, which they can't change! Why do you think that she has told you this? She trusts you and I doubt if she would have told you at all, if she was not hoping to spend her future with you. I think it's make up your mind time!

Do you pray together as a couple? If not perhaps it's a good time to start.

 

[St. Helens]

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[All4Christ]

To the OP - ultimately, you have the choice to either continue dating her, or as another poster said, to gently stop the relationship. That said, rape is not her fault, so my previous advice stands. Pray for guidance and pray for a proper response. No matter what your decision is, treat her with respect and dignity. Again, the fault lies with the rapist, not her.

Her experience is something that will take a long time for her to get past, and she will need someone who will cherish her despite that. You may or may not be the person who long term will do that with her, but at the very least, make sure she knows that you do not think any less of her as a person due to her experience.

If you continue to date her and feel bitterness towards the man who raped your girlfriend, then again, pray for God to help adjust how you react to the situation.

 

[eleos1954]

I (19m) began a relationship with a girl (20) about 2 months ago and learned shortly after that she had lost her virginity approximately 1 year prior to a man twice her age. I'm saving myself for marriage and had always thought this would be a deal breaker, but the situation sounds like rape. She never spoke to him again after it happened. I feel like I have a great woman and I wanna be with her but lately I feel bitterness over the situation, mostly towards the man that did it. It bothers me that he would be her first, and not me. Perhaps it's a pride issue. Anyways, this plight has weighed heavily upon me and I would be thankful for any productive advice on moving forward.

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

All fall short.

If the both of you are in Christ ... you have become new creatures.

One's relationship with Christ must always supersede any and all earthly relationships. If He isn’t number one now, it’s only going to be harder to put Him there when you get married.

so ... both need to determine this (relationship with Christ) and how each of you intend to live it ... and discuss it with one another. Love is not without risk.

 

[DamianWarS]

I (19m) began a relationship with a girl (20) about 2 months ago and learned shortly after that she had lost her virginity approximately 1 year prior to a man twice her age. I'm saving myself for marriage and had always thought this would be a deal breaker, but the situation sounds like rape. She never spoke to him again after it happened. I feel like I have a great woman and I wanna be with her but lately I feel bitterness over the situation, mostly towards the man that did it. It bothers me that he would be her first, and not me. Perhaps it's a pride issue. Anyways, this plight has weighed heavily upon me and I would be thankful for any productive advice on moving forward.

Christ accepts us in our blemished state and forgives us. if your gf is following Christ he has accepted her and not only forgiven her but restored her. if your gf is not following Christ he is waiting for her. You should view your gf as Christ views her. She is a person, not an achievement.

purity culture puts a lot of stress on someone who doesn't meet the conditions and she may be ashamed to talk about it with you especially when you have admitted your struggles her I'm sure that has been communicated non-verbally to her. 2 months is not a lot of time so recognize that she has told something about herself that is very personal and intimate and you have an opportunity to receive her not as damaged goods but with high value and this will increase your trust and intimacy together as a couple. If you cannot accept this then understand this is your problem, not hers but also know rejecting her will probably be more traumatic for her than a casual 2-month breakup. She is the same person as she was before you knew so there is no reason to treat or accept her differently.

 

[walkswithFire]

I (19m) began a relationship with a girl (20) about 2 months ago and learned shortly after that she had lost her virginity approximately 1 year prior to a man twice her age. I'm saving myself for marriage and had always thought this would be a deal breaker, but the situation sounds like rape. She never spoke to him again after it happened. I feel like I have a great woman and I wanna be with her but lately I feel bitterness over the situation, mostly towards the man that did it. It bothers me that he would be her first, and not me. Perhaps it's a pride issue. Anyways, this plight has weighed heavily upon me and I would be thankful for any productive advice on moving forward.

I am assuming that this lady is a believer. Whether then, she was raped in her past life or not, it seems that she was honest enough to tell about it. Which indicates that she would also like to have a God given future with you.

I know that this is probably not a good example but I'm sure that Joseph would have gone through similar wrestlings when betrothed to Mary and finding her to be with child, until the angel came to Joseph in a dream.

Pray then, if it is going to be a stumbling block to you but I personally believe that since Jesus died on the cross for our sins, we need to let the known tresspasses of others go also. Whether they are somehow involved in that past situation or not.

if i can't be done, then move on. For the sake of both of you.

 

[splish- splash]

In all honesty, you are still very young & going through different stages of life. Go easy on the whole thing, taking it one step at a time. Try and relax but if you find, you're still failing to get over the virginity bit, then maybe it's a bad idea to keep seeing her.

 

[aiki]

I (19m) began a relationship with a girl (20) about 2 months ago and learned shortly after that she had lost her virginity approximately 1 year prior to a man twice her age. I'm saving myself for marriage and had always thought this would be a deal breaker, but the situation sounds like rape. She never spoke to him again after it happened. I feel like I have a great woman and I wanna be with her but lately I feel bitterness over the situation, mostly towards the man that did it. It bothers me that he would be her first, and not me. Perhaps it's a pride issue. Anyways, this plight has weighed heavily upon me and I would be thankful for any productive advice on moving forward.

Paidiske has stated a proper response, I think, to your OP. Consider carefully what she's said.

 

[Thrall]

I appreciate everyone that took the time to reply to this post. We ended up ending the relationship

 

[GoldenKingGaze]

I appreciate everyone that took the time to reply to this post. We ended up ending the relationship

Derek also wrote a book on this. Never read it though.