My girlfriend doesn't want to wait until marriage. How should handle it?

[Heath Settle]

First things first, I'm very devout, almost to the point of OCD. I do my best to live as the Word commands. That being said, I care about my girlfriend very much, and she knew my convictions before we started dating. She was a nominal Christian, but since we've been dating she's becoming less "nominal" and more "real" (for lack of better terms). However, she had a sexual history before we started dating, but I didn't. I think God blessed me by making me a dork in high school to avoid those temptations even before I was a believer. I'm 22 now, and it's something that she understands, but she is also becoming impatient. Honestly, knowing how she was before, I understand that the flesh would want to go back to those old habits. I know too well the conflict of the flesh and the Spirit. What you you guys think is the best course of action?

 

[Kenny'sID]

Pull a Judge Dread on her..."I am da' Law!

But seriously, well, that...in a sense anyway, lay down the law. Not with same attitude JD does of course but just explain that's how it is.

I hate to oversimplify it but, that's pretty much all you can do. Also, I'm sure you noticed this is a sign of insincerity from her on the Christian walk, so I won't get into that.

All that said...wish I had your problems.

 

[Basil the Great]

This is not an easy situation. Failure to have sex no doubt cost me a chance for marriage with the only real girlfriend that I ever had and the same thing was almost certainly true for another guy who was in the same Bible study group that I was in decades ago. Your story is interesting, as my former girlfriend also had a sexual history. I suppose that when such is the case, then it is more likely that one will expect sex before marriage.

For some strange reason, I have always remembered a sermon at a Baptist Church that I was visiting, way back in the 1960's. The pastor asked us, if it turns out that the Bible is wrong and that the Jesus story is not real, what have we lost by living for God? Well, in terms of our discussion here, one might not have lost much back in the 1960's, but my Bible study friend and I both lost our girlfriends in the 1980's by refusing to turn away from God's standards. No doubt the world of the 2010's is more like the 1980's than the 1960's and even within many Christian couples today, there seems to be an expectation for sex before marriage. Now I am not trying to convince you to give in to your girlfriend's request. However, I believe that it is important that you realize what could happen. At some point, she could well feel that you do not love her if fail to show her such in a physical way. Still, if she really loves you deeply, she should be willing to respect your religious convictions.

I do not regret my decision back in the 1980's, mostly because I do not believe that marriage would have worked out in the end with my ex-girlfriend. As for the subject at hand, I see both sides. However, I guess I am very old fashioned. If a couple has sex before marriage, then what is left for marriage? You have already done it and probably many times with most couples. I guess I believe that waiting for marriage says something special about a couple. It says that they really trust each other enough to believe that their love will succeed in marriage, even though they have yet experienced the ultimate expression of their love.

I cannot tell you what to do. This is a deeply personal decision. You know what God's standard is, so no need for me to be preachy. One more thing to ponder is that pregnancy is always a possibility if you have sex now, even with protection. If she does get pregnant and things do not work out, then you will have a child to support and no marriage. Also, there is the possibility of sexual transmitted disease, since she has a sexual history. I believe that in many/most states, couples are required to get a blood test before they get married. However, you cannot ask her to do such now though, as that would surely end the relationship. I will say a prayer for you tonight. God bless you.

 

[discipler7]

I'm 22 now, and it's something that she understands, but she is also becoming impatient. Honestly, knowing how she was before, I understand that the flesh would want to go back to those old habits. I know too well the conflict of the flesh and the Spirit. What you you guys think is the best course of action?

.
If both of you intend to stay faithful to each other for life and eventually get married legally, then both of you may consummate your marriage Spirit'ually and sexually/fleshly. Practice birth-control and be guided by 1CORINTHIANS.7 & GENESIS.3:14-19.
... Once consummated, God requires both of you to avoid splitting or getting a divorce.(DEUTERONOMY.28:15, HEBREWS.10:26)

IOW, consider yourselves already married Spirit'ually in front of God, like Adam & Eve, who consummated their marriage without any legal papers.

Fear God and shun evil-deeds that may harm/offend others, self or God.

 

[Tolworth John]

How serious are you about this girl?

Challenge her on what she believes about Jesus and how she applies that to her daily life?

Ask her to justify wanting sex before marriage?
Why does she want to break Gods law?
Is she prepared to 'obey' you as her husband?

Does she attend church with you regularly and if not why not?

I think once she realises you are serious she will leave you.

 

[Jonathan Leo]

First things first, I'm very devout, almost to the point of OCD. I do my best to live as the Word commands. That being said, I care about my girlfriend very much, and she knew my convictions before we started dating. She was a nominal Christian, but since we've been dating she's becoming less "nominal" and more "real" (for lack of better terms). However, she had a sexual history before we started dating, but I didn't. I think God blessed me by making me a dork in high school to avoid those temptations even before I was a believer. I'm 22 now, and it's something that she understands, but she is also becoming impatient. Honestly, knowing how she was before, I understand that the flesh would want to go back to those old habits. I know too well the conflict of the flesh and the Spirit. What you you guys think is the best course of action?

If you have never had sex, then the urge to have it is nowhere near as strong as someone who has had it. That's why in the book of song of solemn ( I believe) it states that that you should keep yourself pure before marriage because once you start having sex it's an almost impossible desire to put a cap back on. That's why you find it easier to wait until married and your girlfriend is bulling for it. Now it's normally the male that has the stronger sexual urges more frequent but since she has had sex previously, it's only a matter of time before she gives into her desire..I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you can satisfy her needs, she will more than likely leave you or even worse, cheat on you.
When the bible says that we should be like Paul ( single and working for God kingdom but it is better to be married if sexual desire burns within us, it shows that sexual pleasure is not something anybody can choose to ignore. It's why it tells us not to open up our sexual desire unless we are married. It cannot be stopped.

Now if you want to wait until you are married, I sir take my hat of to you. Yes the world will tell you your a fool, but don't ever believe that. Keeping yourself pure because of God deserves credit and believe me He sees your heart.
If your girlfriend really loves and respects you, she should value your commitment and even more so that she too knows the truth. Falling back to the ways of the flesh and the world and not willing to value both of ye before God says a lot about her, not you. Stay pure until marriage, trust me, your marriage sex life will be ultimate joy for you and your partner. If God only has what's best for us in mind, then His promise will not go against anything I just said. Keep the faith bro, God Bless Jonathan

 

[Kit Sigmon]

First things first, I'm very devout, almost to the point of OCD. I do my best to live as the Word commands. That being said, I care about my girlfriend very much, and she knew my convictions before we started dating. She was a nominal Christian, but since we've been dating she's becoming less "nominal" and more "real" (for lack of better terms). However, she had a sexual history before we started dating, but I didn't. I think God blessed me by making me a dork in high school to avoid those temptations even before I was a believer. I'm 22 now, and it's something that she understands, but she is also becoming impatient. Honestly, knowing how she was before, I understand that the flesh would want to go back to those old habits. I know too well the conflict of the flesh and the Spirit. What you you guys think is the best course of action?

It would be good if you sit down with her and discuss how she come to know Jesus as Lord and Savior...and how to live out the faith being one of the Lord's Ambassadors?

It be a real concern that she's OK with being "less nominal believer"...cause the
Bible instructs us believers to be in submission to God and to uphold God's
Word in our lives each day....not to mention the things about practicing self
control, fleeing temptation, renewing our minds on God's Word, choosing
our friends wisely, supporting/encouraging and praying for one another etc.

While it's normal to have desires for one another, there's also to be restraint
and to treat one another with respect and not to push and or pressure one
another to engage in sexual activity.

It would also be a good idea to talk about marriage and each others plans, hopes/goals and see if you are suited for one another as husband and wife.

 

[lastofall]

[for me anyway] what is right and wrong with God doesn't change: you know very well what is right in this matter; the scripture that applies here is simple and to the point:

"Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." (James 4:17)

 

[Sketcher]

How long have you two been together?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is easy. Find a new gf. It will save you a ton of pain. I know that sounds hard of course but if she can't wait then who knows what else she won't wait for when marriage comes around. Especially if you feel shes changing from who she used to be.

 

[miss-a]

The only reason I could see that a girl would leave a guy who would not have sex with her before marriage is because she is afraid he will want from her sexual things she does not want to do and or that he will be brutal in some way and she does not want to marry into that situation. So it sound like there could be trust issues that need to be worked out verbally before marriage and that pre-marital sex would not remedy. If she truly will not wait for things to be right and is moving toward ending the realtionship, I'm so sorry to have to say thing, but the relationship isn't right for you. Love is patient. It's fine to express how much you lookforward to being with your mate in that way, but the expression that one can not wait is a serious red flag. It's not healthy to not be able to wait. Pressuring your future mate is not love. Prayers for you, friend.

 

[aiki]

First things first, I'm very devout, almost to the point of OCD. I do my best to live as the Word commands. That being said, I care about my girlfriend very much, and she knew my convictions before we started dating. She was a nominal Christian, but since we've been dating she's becoming less "nominal" and more "real" (for lack of better terms).

This kinda' confounds your claim about living according to God's word. By your own admission, your girlfriend was a nominal - in name only - "Christian." Why, then, did you take up a romantic relationship with her? Doing so goes directly against 2 Corinthians 6:14-16.

It is exactly as you should have expected that this woman wants to act in disobedience to the God in whom she has had only a nominal interest. You know sex outside of marriage is wrong; it's sin. Don't do it. And if your girlfriend is determined you should disobey God, drop her.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

I do my best to live as the Word commands.

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other ... - Bible Hub
biblehub.com/1_corinthians/6-18.htm
Flee sexual immorality. Every sin, whatever if a man might do, is outside the body, but the one sinning sexually sins against the own body. New American Standard Bible Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. King James Bible

 

[LucyInTheSkywithDiamonds]

I think you should be questioning marrying this person. She is NOT going to change when you get married, and if her commitment to Christ is nominal now, this is who you will be married to: a nominal Christian.

How does she react when shes struggling in her walk? Is she apathetic toward the Lord, or does she run to Him? I had a really close friend that basically led me to Christ, and she slowly started drifting away. When I asked her if she wanted to go to church, she said "I don't want to deal with the Lord right now" .. its because she started getting into drugs. She had never been involved with drugs before. Her life was a trainwreck for years. not sure that she every really lived a life committed to Christ since. It certainly hasn't been a big priority to her.

I'd highly recommend praying long and hard over this, and be in the word more than ever.

 

[PeaceB]

First things first, I'm very devout, almost to the point of OCD. I do my best to live as the Word commands. That being said, I care about my girlfriend very much, and she knew my convictions before we started dating. She was a nominal Christian, but since we've been dating she's becoming less "nominal" and more "real" (for lack of better terms). However, she had a sexual history before we started dating, but I didn't. I think God blessed me by making me a dork in high school to avoid those temptations even before I was a believer. I'm 22 now, and it's something that she understands, but she is also becoming impatient. Honestly, knowing how she was before, I understand that the flesh would want to go back to those old habits. I know too well the conflict of the flesh and the Spirit. What you you guys think is the best course of action?

She wants to sin. You do not. Seems like a conflict of interest to me. Break up, and wait for someone who does not want to sin.

 

[LoricaLady]

First things first, I'm very devout, almost to the point of OCD. I do my best to live as the Word commands. That being said, I care about my girlfriend very much, and she knew my convictions before we started dating. She was a nominal Christian, but since we've been dating she's becoming less "nominal" and more "real" (for lack of better terms). However, she had a sexual history before we started dating, but I didn't. I think God blessed me by making me a dork in high school to avoid those temptations even before I was a believer. I'm 22 now, and it's something that she understands, but she is also becoming impatient. Honestly, knowing how she was before, I understand that the flesh would want to go back to those old habits. I know too well the conflict of the flesh and the Spirit. What you you guys think is the best course of action?

If you are 22 you can get married! Otherwise just say No, sorry, I truly believe that would be harmful to you as well as to me.

 

[FireDragon76]

Aside from what Basil said, I find the emphasis on legalism in the thread depressing

It's not like by not having sex, you will somehow be any less a sinner. But at the same time, you need to think carefully about the costs of having sex outside of a committed relationship, and whether that is something you can live with. Ask yourself what are your expectations for a loving relationship, and whether sex before marriage is really part of that.

But by all means, don't wind up being the 40 year old virgin seething with subconscious resentments at lost oppurtunities. I've seen plenty of people hide that under piety. Moreover, envy is just as great a sin as any other. Remember that in the parable of the prodigal son, the real loser was the son seething with resentment, not the son that used his freedom wantonly.

 

[aiki]

It's not like by not having sex, you will somehow be any less a sinner.

Hebrews 10:26-29
26 For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins,
27 but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries.
28 Anyone who has rejected Moses' law dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses.
29 Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace?

Every time you sin when you know you should not, you are guilty of what verse 29 describes. Sinning willfully "tramples underfoot the Son of God" and "counts Christ's shed blood a common thing" and "insults the Spirit of grace." How, then, can you even hint that the sin of fornication is no big deal? It is a very big deal!

Paul the apostle also has something to say about sex outside of the bonds of marriage:

1 Corinthians 6:18-20
18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?
20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.

Remember that in the parable of the prodigal son, the real loser was the son seething with resentment, not the son that used his freedom wantonly.

Not so. The Prodigal Son was not the better son nor was the "good" son the worse. Both sons were "losers," just in different ways.

 

[JesusIsLord_]

Think about it: do you want to marry this girl? Spend your whole life with her, no divorce allowed. If not, then dating her is a waste of time...


Ask her if she is serious as a christian

 

[Endeavourer]

Others have answered whether it's a sin to fornicate or not so my answer is not going there - it will be focused on the relationship issues you are presenting:

She apparently has not been able to experience someone who values her SO highly they are not wanting to take a tumble in the sheets before marriage.

I'd urge you to continue showing how much you value her by refraining. You can be her "first" to show her that much respect.

When you are resolving conflicts in the marriage, it will be an enormous give to her (and you) that she does not have thoughts that you kept engaging her in a relationship because you wanted to appease sexual desires - that she was convenient, easy and cheap. Much better for her to know that you engaged her in a relationship because you cared immensely for **HER**.

Refraining until marriage is a beautiful gift for your future.