My Christian husband just started drinking...

[bekkilyn]

@bekkilyn I don't see how this man's refusal to stop drinking half a dozen glasses of wine a year is 'dominating' his wife. I think it may be the other way round. I'm rather concerned by a wife who regards the fact that she 'did not forbid' her husband to drink as somehow worthy of comment. We are not talking about a disobedient household pet, but a grown man, a husband and father and an elder within the church. 'Forbidding' is not a word that should be used in a relationship between mature adults.

My argument is that a major decision such as starting to drink after 13 years when there was no previous expectation that either of them would be using alcohol at all needs to be a mutual one, not just made by one or the other.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

My argument is that a major decision such as starting to drink after 13 years when there was no previous expectation that either of them would be using alcohol at all needs to be a mutual one, not just made by one or the other.

But the OP refers to an 'unspoken promise' - it's hardly fair to expect her husband to be a mind-reader. If drinking any amount of alcohol at all is such a deal-breaker for her, this should have been discussed and a spoken promise made before marriage.

 

[mmksparbud]

Yeah, and she said he's not even getting buzzed. He's quite able to decide for himself too. She's not the only decision maker in their family.

You have no idea--nor does she, for that matter---how much of a buzz he is having! Only he knows! They can be pretty darn drunk, without showing much of an effect. They learn to hide it very well, and will even change their voice on the phone. Seen it myself, up close and personal. I learned to spot how my husband tried to change his voice to not sound drunk, no one else could tell. You don't understand how sneaky these people can get. My stepdaughter had no idea her husband was drinking as heavily as he was until it was way too late---he demolished their finances by the time she found out. He stashed dozens of empty booze bottles under their very bed and she didn't know it! She isn't stupid nor uncaring. He was very sneaky. They will look you right in the eye and lie through their teeth--including their doctor. My cousin said her husbands doctor had no idea how much of a drunk he was until his labs finally caught up with him. By then the man ended up in the emergency room, and hospitalized for 2 weeks and almost died. Even she didn't knw how bad things really were until then. To the end, my husband told my doctor he only drank one or 2 beers sometimes. He failed to mention they were quart size bottles, and it was every day. I slept during the day due to work schedule---that is when he drank, Then he went to bed and I got up. One day I happened to be piking up some trash in the back yard and opened the trash can----we had 2 of them--the one had nothing but empty quarts of beer---that's those huge ones thst go outside on the street! It was totally full.
Being in authority in the church means nothing. All the more reason to be sober. No priest was allowed to drink before entering the temple.
Lev_10:9 Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations:

There have been pastors that preached under the influence!

 

[bekkilyn]

But the OP refers to an 'unspoken promise' - it's hardly fair to expect her husband to be a mind-reader. If drinking any amount of alcohol at all is such a deal-breaker for her, this should have been discussed and a spoken promise made before marriage.

Why would a couple even think of it at the time if it wasn't even a problem at the time and neither of them drank a drop throughout 13 *years* of marriage? And now suddenly he starts drinking out of the blue? Behavior that is not normal for her husband? And she's not supposed to question it or be disturbed by it at all? What if they lived in a non-smoking household all this time and she just suddenly started smoking for no apparent reason? Would he not have any right to say something because she only did it at parties and not every day?

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Why would a couple even think of it at the time if it wasn't even a problem at the time and neither of them drank a drop throughout 13 *years* of marriage? And now suddenly he starts drinking out of the blue? Behavior that is not normal for her husband?

Read the post. He has had FIVE glasses of wine in nine months...and those were on holidays and at a wedding. Yet his wife 'put her foot down' over it. Does that not imply a little bit of domination?

 

[MoneyGuy]

It's also a problem if a husband is unwilling to do even *one* thing that his wife requests of him, regardless of what it is. If he always has to get his own way no matter what, then there is an issue there even without the drinking.

Yeah, no.

 

[bekkilyn]

Read the post. He has had FIVE glasses of wine in nine months...and those were on holidays and at a wedding. Yet his wife 'put her foot down' over it. Does that not imply a little bit of domination?

Not if it's the only thing she's really put her foot down over in their years of marriage.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

You're missing my point - 'putting your foot down' and 'forbidding' are not terms to use in a healthy relationship.

 

[bekkilyn]

You're missing my point - 'putting your foot down' and 'forbidding' are not terms to use in a healthy relationship.

It depends on how she intended them. I just took them as figures of speech and didn't picture it like she was yelling directly to her husband, "I *forbid* you!" and actually putting her foot down on his neck in some dominating way.

 

[sfs]

@mollym8505, if you're still reading . . . I suggest ignoring all of the debate going on here about alcohol use in general. No one here is in a position to know whether your husband is likely to have a problem with alcohol or not. In general, most people have no trouble with moderate drinking, but a substantial number have a whole lot of trouble. Beyond the basic statistics, we don't know squat about his or your situation.

Given both of your posts, however, it sounds to me like this is an issue that could benefit from both of you talking it out with a trusted outside party -- a pastor (depending on the pastor) or counselor. Not so much about the alcohol consumption, but about the approaches the two of you are taking to your marriage, how you view decision-making, what you think your responsibilities are to each other as partners, how well you understand the other's point of view.

 

[akaDaScribe]

ok,

I'm not trying to pretend to be a master of marriage, but after being married for 23 years, I'm telling you, the real issue is why he feels the need to have a drink and not the drink.

Is he extra stressed at work?
Has he been leaving a legalistic life and he's tired of it?
Is he unhappy with the life he's been living?
Does he feel the need to assert himself as an individual?
Has he been drinking all along and he's just now letting you know?

Stop worrying about the drinking and find out why.
To get to the truth, you have to approach it from a concern angle and not a judgemental or interrogator angle.

When you think about it, that's what is probably really bothering you; the why.

 

[mollym8505]

Thank you all for your productive comments.

 

[High Fidelity]

It depends on how she intended them. I just took them as figures of speech and didn't picture it like she was yelling directly to her husband, "I *forbid* you!" and actually putting her foot down on his neck in some dominating way.

So why does the husband have to be the one forced to accept in this instance?

Why can't the wife just learn to live with a harmless interest?

 

[bekkilyn]

So why does the husband have to be the one forced to accept in this instance?

Why can't the wife just learn to live with a harmless interest?

Why can't they mutually come to some agreement by making these sorts of decisions together as a couple?

 

[High Fidelity]

Why can't they mutually come to some agreement by making these sorts of decisions together as a couple?

It's one or the other. Drink or don't drink.

 

[sfs]

It's one or the other. Drink or don't drink.

Well, yeah. And the question is, why don't they make the decision about which it will be together as a couple?

 

[Dave-W]

Putting one's "foot down" or prohibiting something is more likely to end up driving the disputed behavior (drinking wine in this case) underground and into the shadows, where it is much more likely to become a problem.

 

[Saucy]

Well, yeah. And the question is, why don't they make the decision about which it will be together as a couple?

Because this is an individual decision. If she doesn't want to drink and he does, so what? Why do they have to agree or disagree together on something that doesn't effect or impact her at all? A lot of people in here seem to be saying with their mouths "they should agree together" while forcing the point that he has to give in to her and accomodate his wife on an issue that doesn't impact her.

I was under the impression that he had a drink every day, which is still fine to me, but to find out it was only 5 drinks in 9 months? Are you kidding me? That's HARDLY a problem and just a way to relax and drink socially while at a party or gathering. That's no indication that anything is wrong or he hates his life, so he's compensating by drinking.

It's not a regular thing, he doesn't get buzzed, and he does it while celebrating. A grown man should be able to make that decision for himself without anyone freaking out as if a single glass of wine is going to kill him.

 

[Hazelelponi]

A little background... My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two kids. We're in our early 30s, my husband is a professional and I am a stay at home Mom. He is an elder in our church. (we both understand the severity of this position)

When we met in our late teens (I was a senior in high school, he a sophomore in college) we were both Christians and averse to alcohol. I've never even been tempted and he had one hard-to-remember night in high school (that was the only time he ever drank and he swore it off). It was never a thing and it never has been. Until recently. For whatever reason, in the last 6 months or so he has begun to take to wine or champagne - nothing "hard" or beer... But we've gone on a few vacations and he has a glass on the plane, at the hotel, out to dinner, whatever. He's on vacation right now with our 10 year old son and he's sending pictures and in the pictures is his wine glass (with wine in it).

He's very adamant about it being only one glass, he is not drunk, not even buzzed. But I can't shake it.

Now... I have made my position very clear on this - and many times. It makes me uncomfortable and I do not like it. I confessed to him that I cannot give him any "good" reasoning other than I really hate it. In my mind, that should be enough. I'm his wife and he should respect me. But he's really firing back at me - really fighting it. And I don't understand why. He says it "relaxes" him. But I'm concerned... why does he need relaxing? What if, while in this state of relaxation, he sins. Is this a stumbling block?

We've dealt with things in the past and it just drags up all of my old feelings of... I can't explain it... Hate. Fear. Loss. Abandonment. But why is he fighting me so much on something that, as he says, "doesn't mean anything". If it doesn't mean anything, why does it mean so much?

He's a very logical man, and he wants logic. All I can give him is that it makes me uncomfortable. So he fires back with things to get back at me. (ie: "I'm going to make a long list of things that make me uncomfortable")

I'm so sad. My heart is so heavy over this. I wish it didn't matter so much to me... but I feel God is pushing him through me. It matters to me because it matters to God. Does that make sense?

It just feels good to talk about this. Alcohol is so prevalent in our society... Even my Christian friends drink. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.

First, it's not a sin to drink a little alcohol. Jesus turned water into wine.

Sober-minded doesn't mean you can't have a drink occasionally, drunkenness is a different story.

Respecting you as his wife is a different matter than obeying your commands. He is under no obligation to obey you... you are, however, under obligation to obey him if hes not asking you to commit a sin or otherwise do something against God.

I'd say your husband requesting you stop putting stress on your entire marriage over something even Jesus condoned is something we can easily put into the "you must obey" category.

I don't drink alcohol, I never have... But my husband will have an occasional beer after work, but he doesnt get drunk, is not an alcoholic, and only does so in the safety of our home so there is no problem with it.

I don't like the smell of it as I've never had exposure to alcohol and it does turn my stomach to smell so I request he brush his teeth if he has a beer before bed, which is a reasonable request to respect within the marriage, and he is awesome to always remember to do that for me..

Here's the thing about marriage. As we get older sometimes we change somewhat, take on new interests or whatever. We aren't identical at 50 as we were at 20 (and thank God for that!)

There is no reason to attempt to stop a spouse from growing as an individual, but we do periodically need to adjust ourselves to become more accommodating of the growth process in our spouse.

This is something he would like to do, it's not even a sin... I'd check myself and my role as a wife biblically before I'd destroy my marriage over it. Because right now, the only one sinning against God over this is you.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

@mollym8505 is your husband back yet? Have you been able to resolve this? I hope that you have been able to get whatever help is needed to sort this out and continue building a strong marriage.