My Christian husband just started drinking...

[mollym8505]

A little background... My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two kids. We're in our early 30s, my husband is a professional and I am a stay at home Mom. He is an elder in our church. (we both understand the severity of this position)

When we met in our late teens (I was a senior in high school, he a sophomore in college) we were both Christians and averse to alcohol. I've never even been tempted and he had one hard-to-remember night in high school (that was the only time he ever drank and he swore it off). It was never a thing and it never has been. Until recently. For whatever reason, in the last 6 months or so he has begun to take to wine or champagne - nothing "hard" or beer... But we've gone on a few vacations and he has a glass on the plane, at the hotel, out to dinner, whatever. He's on vacation right now with our 10 year old son and he's sending pictures and in the pictures is his wine glass (with wine in it).

He's very adamant about it being only one glass, he is not drunk, not even buzzed. But I can't shake it.

Now... I have made my position very clear on this - and many times. It makes me uncomfortable and I do not like it. I confessed to him that I cannot give him any "good" reasoning other than I really hate it. In my mind, that should be enough. I'm his wife and he should respect me. But he's really firing back at me - really fighting it. And I don't understand why. He says it "relaxes" him. But I'm concerned... why does he need relaxing? What if, while in this state of relaxation, he sins. Is this a stumbling block?

We've dealt with things in the past and it just drags up all of my old feelings of... I can't explain it... Hate. Fear. Loss. Abandonment. But why is he fighting me so much on something that, as he says, "doesn't mean anything". If it doesn't mean anything, why does it mean so much?

He's a very logical man, and he wants logic. All I can give him is that it makes me uncomfortable. So he fires back with things to get back at me. (ie: "I'm going to make a long list of things that make me uncomfortable")

I'm so sad. My heart is so heavy over this. I wish it didn't matter so much to me... but I feel God is pushing him through me. It matters to me because it matters to God. Does that make sense?

It just feels good to talk about this. Alcohol is so prevalent in our society... Even my Christian friends drink. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.

 

[Saucy]

Jesus drank alcohol. It isn't a big deal. Your objections to it are over your background and being taught it was wrong. If you can't give a good reason why you feel uncomfortable with it, then I don't see any problem with him doing it.

He works, he comes home, maybe needs to relax some. He's not getting drunk and beating the kids or anything. One drink isn't going to harm anything.

 

[mollym8505]

Jesus drank alcohol. It isn't a big deal. Your objections to it are over your background and being taught it was wrong. If you can't give a good reason why you feel uncomfortable with it, then I don't see any problem with him doing it.

I was never taught it was wrong. It just wasn't "a thing" in our house.

 

[Lady Bug]

Jesus drank alcohol. It isn't a big deal. Your objections to it are over your background and being taught it was wrong. If you can't give a good reason why you feel uncomfortable with it, then I don't see any problem with him doing it.

He works, he comes home, maybe needs to relax some. He's not getting drunk and beating the kids or anything. One drink isn't going to harm anything.

She has a right to be concerned that her husband's casual drinking will lead to something more. If her husband is already getting stubborn about the notion of not drinking, that could be a sign of him already getting dependent. I'm not saying her husband should be forbidden to do it, but I understand why the wife is ill at ease.

 

[Lady Bug]

I hope this isn't a bad question but how come your husband is not on vacation with you?

 

[Saucy]

She has a right to be concerned that her husband's casual drinking will lead to something more. If her husband is already getting stubborn about the notion of not drinking, that could be a sign of him already getting dependent. I'm not saying her husband should be forbidden to do it, but I understand why the wife is ill at ease.

Of course she has a right to be concerned, but he doesn't have to quit having a single drink just because she's uncomfortable with it. He's not harming himself. It's a single drink and he's doing it in a responsible manner. There's no indication he's becoming 'dependent'.

He's a grown man. Let him do his thing and have a moment where he can relax and have a drink if he wants. He has every right to do that.

 

[mollym8505]

I hope this isn't a bad question but how come your husband is not on vacation with you?

Not a bad question at all! He and our 10 year old son take an annual "boys trip", just by themselves. We have a 2 year old daughter, too, and she and I have a lot of fun together just us girls. When she is old enough we'll all go together, but right now I wouldn't be able to enjoy it... Too much stress.

 

[mollym8505]

Of course she has a right to be concerned, but he doesn't have to quit having a single drink just because she's uncomfortable with it. He's not harming himself. It's a single drink and he's doing it in a responsible manner. There's no indication he's becoming 'dependent'.

He's a grown man. Let him do his thing and have a moment where he can relax and have a drink if he wants. He has every right to do that.

He's a grown man... Also a husband and father. Are you married, if you don't mind my asking?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

If it starts becoming something that you notice he does more and more, then I'd say something needs to change. But a glass here or there isn't a big deal. I will say though it also depends on how well he handles it. For example my mom can drink 1-2 glasses of wine and become totally drunk. A mean drunk btw.

Of course if I were forced to chose what my spouse did to "relax". I'd choose drinking over smoking. Granted both kill you eventually.

 

[mollym8505]

If it starts becoming something that you notice he does more and more, then I'd say something needs to change.

My only concern is... by the time it becomes a problem it would be so much more difficult to quit. I see it as nipping it in the bud.

 

[sfs]

I confessed to him that I cannot give him any "good" reasoning other than I really hate it. In my mind, that should be enough. I'm his wife and he should respect me.

Likewise, he's your husband and you should respect him -- but you're basically ordering him to stop drinking. Meanwhile, he's chosen to start drinking without any regard for how you feel about it. From the outside, it doesn't sound like you're willing to entertain the possibility that alcohol might be okay for him, and it also sounds like he's not willing to consider giving up something that's not very important simply to please you. That's the dynamic that would worry me here, a lot more than whether a single drink will cause somebody to sin. Standing on your rights is not a healthy approach to marriage.

 

[Saucy]

I'm not a married man, but I don't see where you equate having a single drink with being an irresponsible father/husband. That's not enough to get a guy drunk, much less buzzed. It's just enough to help him relax. My point is, nagging him about it will only push him to hide it from you, then you can't monitor it and he becomes dishonest. I've seen it a lot within marriages, where a spouse gets naggy and pushy over a single issue that's not really a big deal at the time, but it leads to dishonesty.

I know you're going to take what I say with a grain of salt because I'm not married, but just know that I've had severely abusive and alcoholic parents. My father is dead because he drank at work and made a mistake with a machine he was working on that crushed him. I was terrified of alcohol, never touched the stuff, but then I learned there's such a thing as being a responsible drinker and being able to relax a bit.

If you can't justify it at this point, he's not coming home drunk, hasn't become abusive, it hasn't changed his character, and he's being responsible, then I think this is one issue you should compromise on and leave alone and let him do his thing. He might be stressed out at work, whatever, and needs a little alcohol to relax.

 

[Unofficial Reverand Alex]

Alcohol is oftentimes seen as evil, because it's a doorway to sin--but you got on the Internet to post this, and getting on the Internet is the biggest common doorway to sin I can think of!

Take some quiet time with God, just offering Him the situation & seeing what He'll do about it.

Coming here was good--seeking the advice of fellow Christians shows humility & caring for him.

God be with you.

 

[Lady Bug]

He's a grown man. Let him do his thing and have a moment where he can relax and have a drink if he wants. He has every right to do that.

I thought I already did say that he shouldn't be forbidden.

 

[Landon Caeli]

Likewise, he's your husband and you should respect him -- but you're basically ordering him to stop drinking. Meanwhile, he's chosen to start drinking without any regard for how you feel about it. From the outside, it doesn't sound like you're willing to entertain the possibility that alcohol might be okay for him, and it also sounds like he's not willing to consider giving up something that's not very important simply to please you. That's the dynamic that would worry me here, a lot more than whether a single drink will cause somebody to sin. Standing on your rights is not a healthy approach to marriage.

I think you put that into perspective fairly accurately - The last part especially.

Well put.

 

[sdowney717]

My only concern is... by the time it becomes a problem it would be so much more difficult to quit. I see it as nipping it in the bud.

You sound like a very controlling person, people don't toe the line to your view, then you get all worked up, and perhaps make life hard for everybody?.
You turning this into a major issue is not Christ like. Even Christ drank wine.

 

[Landon Caeli]

A little background... My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two kids. We're in our early 30s, my husband is a professional and I am a stay at home Mom. He is an elder in our church. (we both understand the severity of this position)

When we met in our late teens (I was a senior in high school, he a sophomore in college) we were both Christians and averse to alcohol. I've never even been tempted and he had one hard-to-remember night in high school (that was the only time he ever drank and he swore it off). It was never a thing and it never has been. Until recently. For whatever reason, in the last 6 months or so he has begun to take to wine or champagne - nothing "hard" or beer... But we've gone on a few vacations and he has a glass on the plane, at the hotel, out to dinner, whatever. He's on vacation right now with our 10 year old son and he's sending pictures and in the pictures is his wine glass (with wine in it).

He's very adamant about it being only one glass, he is not drunk, not even buzzed. But I can't shake it.

Now... I have made my position very clear on this - and many times. It makes me uncomfortable and I do not like it. I confessed to him that I cannot give him any "good" reasoning other than I really hate it. In my mind, that should be enough. I'm his wife and he should respect me. But he's really firing back at me - really fighting it. And I don't understand why. He says it "relaxes" him. But I'm concerned... why does he need relaxing? What if, while in this state of relaxation, he sins. Is this a stumbling block?

We've dealt with things in the past and it just drags up all of my old feelings of... I can't explain it... Hate. Fear. Loss. Abandonment. But why is he fighting me so much on something that, as he says, "doesn't mean anything". If it doesn't mean anything, why does it mean so much?

He's a very logical man, and he wants logic. All I can give him is that it makes me uncomfortable. So he fires back with things to get back at me. (ie: "I'm going to make a long list of things that make me uncomfortable")

I'm so sad. My heart is so heavy over this. I wish it didn't matter so much to me... but I feel God is pushing him through me. It matters to me because it matters to God. Does that make sense?

It just feels good to talk about this. Alcohol is so prevalent in our society... Even my Christian friends drink. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.

I think you should face time him, with a glass of red wine of your own...

...Or maybe join in with him once in a while?

 

[Landon Caeli]

No, but definitely face time him tonight. I'm sure there's some wine in the house somewhere. Tell him how it tastes...

 

[bekkilyn]

I personally feel this woman has a right to be concerned about her husband's drinking. Why does she need to wait for it to be a problem (and it sounds like it's going to be) before she tries to find help? If someone needs a drink in order to "relax" then it's already become a crutch and not something someone does once in a while to celebrate an event or some other special thing. He's already become defensive and agitated at the thought of not having alcohol...how much farther does it need to go before it really gets out of hand?

It's not like he was regularly drinking before they got married so that she would have some idea of what she was getting into, but now she's already being called controlling and people acting like *she* has the problem because of being rightfully concerned by behavior that is not normal for her husband.

 

[Saucy]

I think he's becoming more agitated and defensive because she's trying to control him and tell him he can't do something with no good reason at all. She already said she can't defend her viewpoint. If your spouse came to you and say you should stop doing something because it made them uncomfortable, and you didn't feel it was wrong, it was causing no harm, etc, would you just stop doing it? I don't think most people would. Not without good reason.

You can't just assume he'll become addicted.