My Christian friend had an abortion

[Tinkerbells]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

 

[OliviaMay]

You should forgive her and move on with your life which may or may not include her.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had a child with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go? I know the bible says to rebuke your brother/sister, but I am having a difficult time with this one.

Who appointed you judge and jury? What she did is between her and God. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

[Tinkerbells]

I do forgive her. I’ve never held this over her head or mentioned it. I’m just confused about how she feels she made the right decision.

I am simply trying to understand how you can state that after coming closer to God, that your decision to have an abortion was a good one. I’m not judging her or anything. I am trying to understand it, because it doesn’t make sense.

Part of my OP was wondering if I should bring it up to her, but I will let that particular issue go. Mainly, I am just trying to make sense of the situation.

 

[OliviaMay]

I do forgive her. I’ve never held this over her head or mentioned it. I’m just confused about how she feels she made the right decision.

I am simply trying to understand how you can state that after coming closer to God, that your decision to have an abortion was a good one. I’m not judging her or anything. I am trying to understand it, because it doesn’t make sense.

Part of my OP was wondering if I should bring it up to her, but I will let that particular issue go. Mainly, I am just trying to make sense of the situation.

She feels that the child would not have a good life had she given birth. That she and the kid would be in peril had the events played out differently. That doesn't mean she doesn't wish her circumstances were different at the time.

The feeling you were being judge comes from your multiple mentions of her being an unwed mother. Why even?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I do forgive her. I’ve never held this over her head or mentioned it. I’m just confused about how she feels she made the right decision.

I am simply trying to understand how you can state that after coming closer to God, that your decision to have an abortion was a good one. I’m not judging her or anything. I am trying to understand it, because it doesn’t make sense.

Part of my OP was wondering if I should bring it up to her, but I will let that particular issue go. Mainly, I am just trying to make sense of the situation.

And none of those things are things you should concern yourself about...she has done nothing you need to forgive her for, she did not sin against you.

Making the decision to have an abortion is complicated...and yes, there are times when it is the right thing. She stated she had been drinking heavily. Fetal alcohol syndrome is horrible. I fostered a couple of FAS kids and their disabilities were overwhelming. Intellectual deficits, physical problems, global brain damage...maybe your friend believes she did the right thing instead of sentencing a potential child to a lifetime of disability?

 

[Tinkerbells]

She feels that the child would not have a good life had she given birth. That she and the kid would be in peril had the events played out differently. That doesn't mean she doesn't wish her circumstances were different at the time.

The feeling you were being judge comes from your multiple mentions of her being an unwed mother. Why even?

Thank you for explaining the abortion situation. Regarding her being an unwed mother, I only take some issue with it because she has not intention of marrying him and is living with him and being intimate. This question really stems from the scriptures I cam across that were talking about rebuking a brother who is in sin or not being around those who do sin, but perhaps I was misinterpreting those scriptures.

 

[OliviaMay]

Thank you for explaining the abortion situation. Regarding her being an unwed mother, I only take some issue with it because she has not intention of marrying him and is living with him and being intimate. This question really stems from the scriptures I cam across that were talking about rebuking a brother who is in sin or not being around those who do sin, but perhaps I was misinterpreting those scriptures.

If Jesus didn't say it don't bother with it. Jesus says forgive. He hung around thieves and prostitutes. If God wanted us to shun and rebuke Jesus wouldn't have done that.

 

[Tinkerbells]

"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.

"But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sisterc but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people."

"Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted."

These and others were the scriptures I was reading that brought some of these things to my attention. They are in the new testament.

 

[Tinkerbells]

If Jesus didn't say it don't bother with it. Jesus says forgive. He hung around thieves and prostitutes. If God wanted us to shun and rebuke Jesus wouldn't have done that.

You are correct, but he also said go and sin no more.

i’m not saying that we will never sin, but if a sister in Christ is living in sin, are you saying that another Christian should not say anything? I’m truly trying to find the right answer here. The scriptures I pointed out say that you should.

 

[OliviaMay]

You are correct, but he also said go and sin no more.

i’m not saying that we will never sin, but if a sister in Christ is living in sin, are you saying that another Christian should not say anything? I’m truly trying to find the right answer here. The scriptures I pointed out say that you should.

The will of Jesus is pretty clear. Forgive, love, don't judge, show compassion. That is what to do.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Thank you for explaining the abortion situation. Regarding her being an unwed mother, I only take some issue with it because she has not intention of marrying him and is living with him and being intimate. This question really stems from the scriptures I cam across that were talking about rebuking a brother who is in sin or not being around those who do sin, but perhaps I was misinterpreting those scriptures.

Regarding being an "unwed" mother and being with the father of her children...can you point to the scriptures that require a legal piece of paper for a marriage? Where is it written that one must go to a courthouse and file for a marriage license?

This is the problem with interpreting the bible...we impose OUR modern ideas of "sin" on a document written in the 1st century and in a very different culture.

Again...what she does with her life is between her and the Lord. Not between her and you. If it bothers you, don't associate with her...however, she did not sin against you (if she sinned at all) and what you think is really of no concern to her.

 

[football5680]

The things she did cannot be justified so there would be no reason for you to try and understand. You can show compassion but do not accept her attempt to justify her sins.

 

[KitKatMatt]

If you want to understand where she's coming from, don't come at it as a confrontation. Come without judgement, come with an open heart, and do not offer advice of any kind. Just let her speak, and ask questions if you need to. If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, don't push it further.

Only talk back or offer advice if she asks you to do so. This is very important, for the sake of your friendship.

 

[Armoured]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

What good would confronting her do?

Just for full disclosure, someone I am very close to had an abortion some years before we met. She's not really even a Christian, per se, and I don't know how she feels about it on a day to day basis now. I'm confident she wouldn't have an abortion now, though. I just accept her as she is.

 

[Holoman]

I can't agree with people that this is not important and you should mind your own business. As I see it she is an unrepentant sinner and if you truly want to show your love for her you will speak up, for being unrepentant is far worse than what she has done in the past.

Avoid being confrontational but I would point out that the 10 commandments are quite clear on unjustified killing.

Ephesians 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

1 Timothy 5:20 As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.

Ezekiel 3:18 If I say to the wicked, ‘You shall surely die,’ and you give him no warning, nor speak to warn the wicked from his wicked way, in order to save his life, that wicked person shall die for his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand.

 

[Holoman]

The will of Jesus is pretty clear. Forgive, love, don't judge, show compassion. That is what to do.

If you truly love someone you will tell them the error of their ways. Loving someone isn't about always being nice and polite. Just like the father loves his son and disciplines him when he does wrong.

 

[essentialsaltes]

What’s odd is that she attends church full time

Does she or her church have a position about abortion 'in general'?

Not all Christian denominations are dead-set against abortion.

 

[Tinkerbells]

Does she or her church have a position about abortion 'in general'?

Not all Christian denominations are dead-set against abortion.

I am not entirely sure, but all the non denominational church's in our city typically have almost an identical statement of faith and they dissagre with abortion based on how closely they adhere to the bible, so I don't see how they could favor that decision at her church. Part of their wedsite shows they are clearly against homosexual marriage so I would assume abortion too. You don't really hear of church's being ok with abortion here. At least not the mega church's, which are the type she and I attend (I go to calvary chapel).

 

[South Bound]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

Sounds like you have a tough choice to make.

The Bible says, Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)

If you tell her the truth, then it may sting. You will have done the loving thing, but she may not see it that way and want to end your friendship.

Or, you could just tell her what she wants to hear, go along with it, and keep your friendship. But that wouldn't be being a good friend to her.

I think the Biblical thing to do, and the loving thing, would be to say something like, "We've been friends for a long time and I love you and value our friendship. But if you're going to tell me you're my sister in Christ, then I have to treat you like my sister in Christ and tell you some things you're not going to want to hear..."

Then preach the law to her regarding the abortion and the adultery. If she is repentant or, at least, remorseful, then share the Gospel with her and explain that, although her sins are an offense to God and have made her an object of His wrath, He is also merciful and will forgive her if she repents.

From the little bit you've described here, it doesn't sound like there's any evidence of regeneration, so she probably will not be open to correction.

Again, sounds like you have a tough decision to make.

Of course, there's also the third choice of taking the coward's way out and just ratting her out to her pastor.