Most important factors in finding a woman to marry?

[SingularityOne]

I’ve met a woman and I’m trying to keep both eyes open to know if she is a good potential wife.

What are the major non-negotiables that one should have in a wife from an Orthodox perspective?

I’m wondering what you think about the foundation of a relationship. In our society most people (including me in the past) try to build a relationship on attraction and/or high emotionality instead of values and beliefs being the foundation of those emotions/attraction. I’m wondering what the Mind of the Fathers would say about this topic in that sometimes strong emotional attraction on the forefront can be misleading when starting a relationship with someone?

I’ve met someone and she is Orthodox, and I’m trying to figure out how to proceed based on an Orthodox paradigm instead of a worldly paradigm (since this is potentially the first relationship I’m going to be in since I’ve been in the Church). I just don’t want to jump into a relationship too fast and want to be discerning in this process this time around.

I’ve read Marriage and Family Life by St. John Chrysostom, however, I just have a hard time figuring out how to understand what he says in a “dating” context due to there not being “dating” back then like there is currently.

Edit: the marriage service has been recommended, but I mean more in the area of trying to figure out specific qualities to look for.

edit 2: any good questions to ask on the 2nd date?

 

[Not David]

Just spend time with her, then you will probably figure it out her values.

 

[SingularityOne]

Just spend time with her, then you will probably figure it out her values.

So you’re saying “values” are the most important factor?

 

[ArmyMatt]

start seeing her. the primary value should be that you two approach the faith the same. be patient and prayerful. you can only figure this stuff out by actually starting to see her.

 

[SingularityOne]

start seeing her. the primary value should be that you two approach the faith the same. be patient and prayerful. you can only figure this stuff out by actually starting to see her.

What do you mean by “approach the faith the same?”

Any good questions to figure out if we “approach the faith similarly?”

 

[ArmyMatt]

What do you mean by “approach the faith the same?”

Any good questions to figure out if we “approach the faith similarly?”

if faith is your top priority, it should be hers as well

 

[SingularityOne]

if faith is your top priority, it should be hers as well

I agree 100%. On a second date, what do you think are good questions to get to the core of that priority (other than the obvious: do you go to Church on every Sunday, do you fast, etc.?)?

 

[ArmyMatt]

I agree 100%. On a second date, what do you think are good questions to get to the core of that priority (other than the obvious: do you go to Church on every Sunday, do you fast, etc.?)?

that'll come out in time. it's not something I would ask on a second date since you're very early in getting to know her.

 

[SingularityOne]

that'll come out in time. it's not something I would ask on a second date since you're very early in getting to know her.

True, that makes sense. What do you believe to be good second date questions if these faith ones are too soon?

 

[Lost4words]

If she has a corgi, then you know you have hit the jackpot!

Sorry, just a bit of humour

 

[SingularityOne]

If she has a corgi, then you know you have hit the jackpot!

Sorry, just a bit of humour

Hahahahah!

 

[ArmyMatt]

True, that makes sense. What do you believe to be good second date questions if these faith ones are too soon?

just continue to get to know her.

 

[SingularityOne]

just continue to get to know her.

Ok

 

[archer75]

Agree. Get to know her.

Her faith could be her top priority without her going to every service or every Sunday service. Who knows, she may have some reason and a blessing not to go always or even not to go often. I would suggest you not put her visible piety at the top of your list, because someone could go to every service and have no interest in the faith or even actively deny Christ.

 

[SingularityOne]

Agree. Get to know her.

Her faith could be her top priority without her going to every service or every Sunday service. Who knows, she may have some reason and a blessing not to go always or even not to go often. I would suggest you not put her visible piety at the top of your list, because someone could go to every service and have no interest in the faith or even actively deny Christ.

I see. Thanks for the insight!

 

[E.C.]

After the faith, one important thing to see is how she treats people. When I was single, if I went out to dinner on a date with someone and they treated the staff poorly, there was no second date. Waiters are, sadly, still considered "lowly" people in our society. If someone treats them well, they'll generally treat everyone well.

 

[prodromos]

After the faith, one important thing to see is how she treats people. When I was single, if I went out to dinner on a date with someone and they treated the staff poorly, there was no second date. Waiters are, sadly, still considered "lowly" people in our society. If someone treats them well, they'll generally treat everyone well.

A friend had dated a number of women, but the one who sealed the deal was the only one who cleaned up someone else's mess. He said that none of the other women would have lifted a finger if they weren't responsible for the mess, whereas she took on that responsibility without a second thought.

 

[ArmyMatt]

A friend had dated a number of women, but the one who sealed the deal was the only one who cleaned up someone else's mess. He said that none of the other women would have lifted a finger if they weren't responsible for the mess, whereas she took on that responsibility without a second thought.

great example

 

[TheLostCoin]

Proverbs 31:10-31

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."

 

[Knee V]

Values, goals, and character, in no particular order. It's one thing for someone to say they value such and such, or that they want such and such out of life, but our actions and how we actually live show whether those values and goals really mean anything.

As for her approach to the faith, as well as yours: Do you both make it a priority to attend services regularly? Do you both fast? Do you both make it to confession regularly? Do you both give? Do you both do daily prayers? Or at least do both of you try to?