More and More lazy stay at home wives

[mkgal1]

My 16 year old son who loves her dearly(she has a fun and kind side as well) asks me all the time why I don't take her task every time she criticizes me(as he and the kids are witnesses to most of it). I tell him "its not worth it all the time, sometimes you just have to let things go and give it to God".

You realize that's a passive/aggressive tactic......right?

 

[QueSeraSera]

I said though, that it was my conviction based on my Christian faith and understanding of God's Word, that while Dad's should help, Mom's are uniquely and specially equipped to nurture children in a way most men just don't do as well. I told her while I believed Dad's should help, God has equipped women, physically and emotionally to be able to feed and nurture a child better.

This doesn't bode well for men looking at trying to get custody of their children even 50 /50 in a custody dispute .

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ValleyGal]

Wow! You are comparing my traditional views of marriage and gender(which I believe are firmly based in Biblical teaching) to suicide bombers. That is incredible.

That's what you got from that? No, I was not comparing you to a suicide bomber. I was comparing your steadfastness in what might be incorrect beliefs. Iow, the idea that you are steadfast in itself is fine, but the idea that you might be steadfast in faulty belief system is what is not so good about steadfastness.

That and Gods grace are the only things that keep me going.

And maybe some of your wife's grace....please, give credit where credit is due.

Contrary to what you all have imagined goes on in my house, I am a very loving husband.

I don't think anyone accused you of being a lousy husband. That's your interpretation. But what others here are doing is trying to get you to see your marriage from her perspective, to have a deep sense of empathy for your wife in her particular beliefs, mind-frame, and situation. You seem to have a hard time doing that...

I don't agree with what she is doing, living her life on the couch. Neither does her mom, or her sister or her doctor. You say I have to just understand her, I am sorry but wrong behavior is wrong behavior period.

And this is part of the problem. It's not about her behaviour. It's about understanding why she is not doing behaviour that you want and expect her to do. Your vision of this is very narrow - all you see is what she is and is not doing, and how it affects you, your kids and your home. Iow, that is very self-centred thinking. A lot of us here are saying that instead of focusing on her behaviour alone, maybe go beyond that and see the underlying dynamics.... iow, there are a myriad of values, beliefs, grief, and other factors that drive behaviour. So get beyond the behaviour itself and see things for what they really are instead. In fact, you have a huge gap between her values and yours. You also have a huge gap between her expectations and yours. You have a huge gap between your beliefs and hers. There is also a real disconnect with her pertaining to empathy for her pain, her grief, her change in circumstances.

Those are the things you need to focus on....not the behaviour, and not your own frame of reference. What you see and experience is not what she sees and experiences. So suspend your own for a while to try to understand hers. When there is increased understanding, there is often more compassion....more compassion leads to a soft heart, positive thinking, and a humble, serving heart.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

This post is coming dangerously close to violating the marriage forums rules regarding no talk of male headship or submission. I have tried to walk that line of not getting into that here.

I find it interesting that there are many threads and comments on threads in the general forum that allow the attack of traditional roles. But if you say anything in defense of traditional roles people lash out and say things like you have said, or get your thread removed the moderators, it is slightly one-sided.

Even though I believe what you have said is gross a characterization my traditional marriage views I am going to leave it alone.

This is funny...considering that I've had a "traditional" marriage for the last many, many years. However, my husband is not the type to lord it over me and he realizes that I have many, many strengths and abilities beyond the "traditional" wife and mother roles. Maybe that's what you need to realize too...your wife has certain strengths that you perhaps don't like or maybe even feel are appropriate to women. That's your problem, not hers.

And yes I'd probably make you crazy even though I am a "traditional" SAHM. I can also haggle for a car, fix it and drive it like nobody's business. I will happily spend my Sunday afternoon watching any and all football games, prefer watching SportsCenter to anything else (almost). I learned to not lean on my husband for much because he was gone too much and I had to be mom AND dad AND leader AND defender AND teacher to our tribe. Some women have those strengths, some don't. Your wife really doesn't seem suited for the role you seem to want her to take. Maybe you need to rethink YOUR ideas then....

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[QueSeraSera]

So yes in those moments I do get in the flesh, sometimes I can get us to our bedroom to talk away from the kids, other times it just comes out. I tell her she is ungrateful, and I don't want to hear anything out her mouth in that instance unless it is gratitude. If she thinks she can do a better job, then she can cook it.

Your children are only there 3 days a week . You have 4 days a week every week with no children around to have this conversation .

And I would tell her not in the way you did . But this way . When you are cooking for 7 people ,if you are like me it matters if they think its tasty or not . Depending on the meal it can be a lot of work into cooking for that many.So your goal is to please . Not getting any encouragement or any gratitude is bad enough .But being discouraged and critised is downright hurtful .

Maybe since she is not a natural cook herself or into cooking she doesn't realize how personal it can be taken to be critisized or nit picked at over the food you have prepared.

 

[QueSeraSera]

In my understanding of the Scriptures, God's design for marriage and family is built on a world without divorce. God hates divorce. That is why child custody is never discussed in the Bible.

It doesn't matter divorce is a real thing and always has been .So the view that men are just less naturally inclined to care and nurture for children is not good for Dad's looking to split /or get full custody .

 

[Annessa3]

There is nothing wrong with either one. I don't like when people judge others on what is culture deems as acceptable being less because they are doing something different. We should celebrate our differences even if it's not your ideal way don't look down on another person based on what they want.

seriously, Av? You're defending this:You seem like you would be happier in a patriarchal type of marriage where you are the unquestioned king of your home and your wife exists as nothing more than your adoring servant and outlet for your sexual needs.

yes, I do judge the cultures of others. Sorry, but true. I judge as wrong the cultures where slavery was/is practiced, where female genital mutilation is practiced, where gang rape is acceptable, where the mass killings of intelligent cetaceans are done year after after, where seal pups are slaughtered with clubs.

I judge our society/culture because our leaders would rather wage war for financial reasons than feed and educate our own children.

so yes, I judge. And if you're all honest, you do too. Judgement is one thing. And it usually the basis, along with God's love, in changing the world. Or at least the bits we judge as wrong....

 

[QueSeraSera]

But I don't say anything about the couch regularly, I hold it back. I give her gentle reminders of what the doctor said probably once every few weeks, or maybe only a once a month now. So I am not over there getting on her creating this negative environment you have all painted me as doing.

It got negative enough that she left for 3 days to stay in a hotel . Even if you say less now she is not stupid . I bet you could slice the tension with a knife .

 

[mkgal1]

I don't agree that it's a "passive/aggressive tactic"

We don't always have to take people to task for every thing they do wrong, there is a time and place.

She knows how I feel about her various criticisms, I have communicated that to her many times. Sometimes in a nice way(the right way) and sometimes in an angry way(the wrong way).

Either way she knows.

I'm talking about how you paint yourself to your son ("Sometimes we have to give things over to God "---implying a spiritual superiority)---but at the same time...putting down your wife....highlighting the criticism. It may be better to say something like, "you're only seeing part of what's going on.....don't be so quick to judge her" That may be better overall for everyone (it doesn't feed into the negativity).

 

[HannahT]

Wow! You are comparing my traditional views of marriage and gender(which I believe are firmly based in Biblical teaching) to suicide bombers. That is incredible. Yes I believe in marriage as in life, we all have a duty to fulfill. Duty is almost considered a swear word in our modern culture.

Muse - you are adding to what has been said.

She was NOT comparing your views on traditional marriage as you call it to suicide bombers.

That jump - seriously - was incredible.

What she said is convictions are fine, but at times they are not always correct. ie: the suicide bomers believing he will get some eternal inheritance if he follows that conviction.

Then you make another leap to:

ie:

Duty is almost considered a swear word in our modern culture.

Your attempt at a division missed:

If it were, he'd be applying biblical principles to himself and not focused so much on the bad she contributes...he would be focused on what he can do differently to love and support his wife in ways that will build her up rather than tear her down - even if that building up is in his own mind and heart.

Which in all honestly makes your leap seem rather out there if you think about it.

 

[QueSeraSera]

Mom's are uniquely and specially equipped to nurture children in a way most men just don't do as well. I told her while I believed Dad's should help, God has equipped women, physically and emotionally to be able to feed and nurture a child better.

I am all for 50/50 custody(I have 4/3 split, so almost 50/50), even when the mom is a better nurturer, children need their father's as much as their mothers, unless one of the parents is abusive or neglectful of the children.

No . You can't have both at the same time .Children are always better off with the person who is 'better equipped" to physically and emotionally care for them the best.They couldn't possibly "need as much" a parent who is not as equipped.

Its an oxymoron to say one parent in a nutshell fulfills a child's needs BETTER than the other one . Then say but the child needs the less able parent "just as much."

 

[QueSeraSera]

What she said is convictions are fine, but at times they are not always correct. ie: the suicide bomers believing he will get some eternal inheritance if he follows that conviction.

That is how I read what she said .Suicide bombers being an example of strong convictions not equaling something good just because its unwavering .

 

[QueSeraSera]

I wish my kids could have stayed with their biological parents together, but because of sin divorce happened and it will continue to happen till Christ comes back.

Right and so will a judge making decisions on who the children are better off with. And if rule of thumb is women /mothers are automatically "better equipped" to care for children's physical and emotional needs significantly over that of the father then ...

After basics are met such as nutrients safety from the elements "nurturing " is the critical need of children .

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Let me give you an example. As I said I do at least 80% of the cooking. It is very common for her to make criticisms of different things I cook. She might say I did this wrong, or this is overcooked, or this is under spiced. She criticizes me when the rolls I make out of the oven are overcooked and asks why I can't figure out how to make them right.

The moment I am done cooking and am barely done eating, she will ask how soon am going to "clean up this mess".

So yes in those moments I do get in the flesh, sometimes I can get us to our bedroom to talk away from the kids, other times it just comes out. I tell her she is ungrateful, and I don't want to hear anything out her mouth in that instance unless it is gratitude. If she thinks she can do a better job, then she can cook it.

Why don't you try a different approach?

What you're doing is setting a power struggle dynamic. When you say things to her like "I I don't want to hear anything out her mouth in that instance unless it is gratitude. If she thinks she can do a better job, then she can cook it," you're treating her like a child. Grown-ups don't talk to one another like that. That's how parents talk to their children.

Instead, gently tell her how it makes you feel when she criticizes. For example "honey/darling/dear (whatever affectionate term you use), when you criticize my cooking it really hurts my feelings. I worked hard on that and I'm trying to make everyone happy. It hurts me that I feel you don't appreciate what I'm doing."

Use feeling language.

Instead of bossing her, telling her what she's allowed to say to you, you're telling her how it makes you feel. People are much more likely to respond positively when you're not trying to control their behavior. When you boss her, she's more likely to keep doing it to prove to you that you can't boss her around.

 

[Avniel]

seriously, Av? You're defending this:You seem like you would be happier in a patriarchal type of marriage where you are the unquestioned king of your home and your wife exists as nothing more than your adoring servant and outlet for your sexual needs.

yes, I do judge the cultures of others. Sorry, but true. I judge as wrong the cultures where slavery was/is practiced, where female genital mutilation is practiced, where gang rape is acceptable, where the mass killings of intelligent cetaceans are done year after after, where seal pups are slaughtered with clubs.

I judge our society/culture because our leaders would rather wage war for financial reasons than feed and educate our own children.

so yes, I judge. And if you're all honest, you do too. Judgement is one thing. And it usually the basis, along with God's love, in changing the world. Or at least the bits we judge as wrong....

No I don't judge other's on the way they choose to manage their lives. However I am from New York and first generation american that has lived in the south and have been looked down for my differences. We need to learn more about each other and celebrate those differences vs insult them. It's part of being cultured and well educated, it's accepting others differences and what they want out of life.

I know a good deal of SAHMs that I went to college with and they are strong women but they don't want the culturally accepted role of being a working mom they want to spend time raising their family and making a household. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[QueSeraSera]

I am very hard working man, I always have been. I am the kind of person that whether at work(online) or at home, if something needs to be done and nobody else will do it - then I step in and do it. I clean up after myself.

I am probably too easy on my kids and my wife and just do too much at times because it is often easier to just to do it myself than ask her or them to do it. That is a fault of mine.

You need to pay close attention to this .

Its not going "easy" on anyone to do things your self that you then resent your wife and children for it . You also can not compare asking /telling your children to complete a task and your wife . Your wife is an adult not one of the kids.

I can "instruct" my children to make their beds,put their dishes in the dishwasher ,etc. I do not have the right though to instruct my husband to do the same nor he me .

If I want to leave my dishes in the sink thinking ,meh , I'll put them up in the morning if my husband just can not stand that then he is welcome to put them away .If he resents me over that though then he is being petty .

We went over this earlier . In the grande scheme of life and what is important those things in the end aren't even on the map .

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.