More and More lazy stay at home wives

[sdmsanjose]

Musing has been strongly challenged a lot in this thread. I may not agree with everything Musing says or his challengers but I do want to give credit to where I think credit is due. Musing is troubled but he is sticking to his spiritual convictions and God’s word regarding divorce. When someone is in a lot of pain it takes guts to do what Musing said below:

By Musing
Since I don't believe in Divorce (except for under extreme circumstances like adultery, abuse and few other issues) I will stay married to her, because I made a vow to God to do so. I will also love on her and take care of her the best I can with God's help. God call's me to love my wife, not to validate and accept what I believe to be her unbiblical views of life. God's calls her to love me, even if I don't accept her life view

My wife has had two knee operations and will probably need two more to replace both knees. She is very limited in what she can do. I am fortunate and God has blessed me and I have hired a person to do most of the work. My wife will do what she can.

Although Musing’s views about his wife and laziness has started a fire into this thread, I do not think that is his most troubling issue. I think that Musing and his wife have not touched the tenderness of each other’s heart enough. That tenderness is one that is also coupled with desire. That is the main issue IMO. I come to this conclusion by reading Musings posts below.

Her sister agrees that she found her entire identity in her career as a nurse, and even though she gave lip service to me when we were dating that her career would come second to our marriage and family, she never made good on that.

Whether a mom works, or not, her children, her home and her husband should always come first, at least that according to "popular Christian belief".

When you feel that your spouse does not have that tenderness and desire for you then everything is a problem. I know that a couple cannot be jumping up and down with desires for tenderness all the time but a balance will make life a lot better. Musing has already stated that there are times that he and his wife have that tenderness and desire but from his posts it seems that it is out of balance. I know you all know about 1st Corinthians 13 but I am going to reprint it so that we can be reminded what the ultimate goal is

1 Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud</SPAN> 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance

I also know that when I have been hurt I do not want to hear that scripture. Human emotions can overrule scripture sometimes. My conclusion is that without love the approach that relies on being correct is not going to get at the root of the problem IMO.

Musing I hope that you have a person in your city that can help you both with your situation. It seems that the approach that you two have taken is not working. Sometimes enduring with silence and allowing your prayers and possibly a third party to try and touch both of your hearts will make things better and more balanced.

Although some very good points have n been made in this thread I think that we have a brother that is in pain and I am glad that he has come here for discussion. We Christians respect 1st Corinthians 13 and I know that some secular forums think that scripture is foolish.

First Corinthians 13 is a HUGE order to fill but it has never failed!

Stan

 

[akmom]

The misogyny is definitely showing in these posts.

I agree I should not have believed her when she said wanted to do the whole wife and mom thing, I am sure it was just a phase for her. However, we are married, so even if I chose wrongly, I have to live that choice.

Oh for goodness sakes. You asked a single woman, with no parental experience, to step into a wife/mother role. Did you really think you'd magically be on the same page about what that meant? Of course not. She did not have that breaking-in period of infancy that the rest of us have as parents, in which every waking moment is dedicated to meeting their every need. She didn't get to welcome each child, one at a time, when she was ready, until she was done having children. She just inherited it all at once, with no idea what to really expect. And according to you, she's done a pretty good job bonding with a large number of children she didn't even raise. But you're upset because she isn't jumping in and embracing seven loads of laundry a week, home cooking and meal planning that takes years to learn, and all the dishes that goes with it.

You cannot expect a working woman to automatically transition into a traditional role, without any of the experiences that typical parents have, to such a large and spread-out family. Even if she sincerely thought she was up for it.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[QueSeraSera]

Contrary to popular Christian belief, some women are not cut out to be SAHMs.

Over half of women polled in the U.S say they prefer to work outside the home.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[Boidae]

sdmsanjose was able to cut through everything I said(whether he agreed or disagreed with all of it and see the heart of the trouble from my perspective):
I never expected that my wife would automatically on day one of our marriage be able to help or do anything with my kids. When we were first married I still did 95% of everything with the kids.

Slowly over time she did try to some things like when I am helping kids with homework she would take a couple of them off my hands to help. When I was helping the younger ones with baths, she did step in at and take one of them.

I told her when we were dating I did'nt mind that she worked and had a career. The only thing I asked was that her career would now come second to her marriage to me, and my kids. She started to try and do that in the first year, but even within the first year she started regressing and putting her career higher.

She did not "just inherit" these kids. It has been 4 years now. I am now looking at 4 years into this marriage, as opposed to one month in. So I think it is fair for me to say after 4 years, some pledges from my wife have not been lived up to. I think "balance" as sdmsanjose is the key. We don't really have a balance in our marriage, we don't have much consistancy in many areas of our marriage and family life and it causes problems.

Many of you have asked -"well how then does she have such a great relationship with the kids" - the reason is that she does talk to them about their lives. Unlike their biological mother, she actually takes an active interest in their lives.

As I said, just because I have some issues with her in some areas, does not mean I think she is all bad, in fact I think when she is in a good mood there are many great things about her. None of us are all bad(even me, contrary to what some of you might think). We all have strengths and weaknesses, and we all have things to work on.

Are there any pledges from you that you havn't made good on?

I'm not trying to pick on you by asking this, just trying to show you that even when we have the best intentions, sometimes we still fail at making good on some of our promises for various reasons. It is my belief after all that the only one that will make good on 100% of his promises is God.

 

[QueSeraSera]

Preferences don't matter - God's word does. I polls said half of men didn't want to work and just wanted to stay home, that would not be right either.

About a quarter of men prefer to stay at home . And there is nothing wrong with that .When you look at it how it should be which is a valuable contribution /provision . And there is nothing not one thing about working outside the home that inherently means you do not put your spouse and children first . Being the primary caretaker of kids and home is a job .Working outside the home to provide the money for home is a job. Both spouses should put each other first no matter what job they are performing.

And yes preferences do matter . It matters because we should be doing what we do best.

 

[QueSeraSera]

2. Stay at home mom's are fine if the woman chooses that, but if the woman is a career woman its fine if her house is wreck, where her husband does most of the house work because she finds it tedious or boring. If the husband does not want live in filth or have dinner at home, then he can wash the clothes and make dinner if these things are important.

Who said anything about living in filth ? And yes if YOU want your clothes washed and YOU want dinner at home then YOU wash your clothes and cook YOUR dinner. With two people working you can hire a cleaning service to come in twice a month to do the deep cleaning . In the meantime the house should not be a wreck if you are each picking up after your selves. That makes a lot more sense in the grand scheme of things than having a nervous breakdown because you think because she is a woman she should be doing these things .And making a huge mountain out of a mole hill.

 

[QueSeraSera]

If you were to do a poll of her family and my family and ask who criticizes the other one most, hands down they would say it is my wife toward me.

Why are you making it a contest who's worse you or her ?

If you feel like your wife is overly critical of you then you should talk to her about that.Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it . Tell her how it makes you feel .If she continues then point it out when she does it at the time she does it .She might learn that way to be more self aware when she speaks . Some people have more of a pessimistic way of seeing things, she could be that type.

 

[ValleyGal]

Stan, with all due respect - and you know I do respect you - it's great when a man stands by his convictions, but even suicide bombers stand by their convictions, believing in some eternal inheritance because of it. By all appearances, this OP is shooting his marriage in the foot, and there are a lot of terrific ideas and viewpoints expressed here that he will not even consider - even at the expense of his marriage. The argument is not even about working outside the home or being a SAHM. It's not about biblical principles. If it were, he'd be applying biblical principles to himself and not focused so much on the bad she contributes...he would be focused on what he can do differently to love and support his wife in ways that will build her up rather than tear her down - even if that building up is in his own mind and heart.

To the OP. There is one thing I think you should do. One. It might take a few hours, so hopefully you can somehow carve a little time out to do it. If you can afford it, go and purchase Dr. John Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." He is a leading researcher (scientific method) on the marriage/divorce relationship. He's so good that he can predict 94% of the time whether a couple will divorce in the next five years. He and his wife also have a couples counseling practice and they are leading experts in this field. If you don't have the time to read the book, you might want to check into workshops in your area...they train presenters who are qualified to teach his book. I don't know, but I think Gottman might be Jewish, but I will say that every one of his principles and many points in the book are easily backed up by Scripture and I can do that for you if you like. Imo, your marriage might depend on it.

 

[Annessa3]

oh poor Musing muffin....

I've certainly lost many of the things I thought while I was reading this thread, but a couple remain that I will share...

I have had 2 periods in my life where I had to stop, and re-align my life because what I had been doing (for a career) wasn't possible any longer. I had to dig pretty deep down, because I had made the error of believeing that what I did was who I was. It's not easy to do that. I think your wife has some of that going on.

2ndly, I have a chronic back condition from an accident. I still work full time, but am no longer able to (yes, nursing) spend 8-10hrs on my feet, and sometimes even without that, my back seizes up. I will tell you frankly that I am afraid of the pain. And that makes me hesitent about doing even small things you & others would think I could do. My house isn't as clean as it used to be, and it bothers me. It may be fear of the pain that your wife needs help with as well as the rest. And when pain starts up big, I don't know if it will be 3 days or 3 mos that I will have to endure.

and.. as a recently divorced woman, while I appreciate you quoting Biblical sources for the basis of your feelings, where in there did God/Paul address single women who need to work? Or should we stay home and expect our cousins to support us?
Sometimes you really need to go beyond the cultural conscripts of what you're basing your life on, and expand those gender roles you love.

prayers for you-- for your tender heart to be foremost, and prayers for your wife, who rightly feels unappreciated herself.

 

[Boidae]

To the OP. There is one thing I think you should do. One. It might take a few hours, so hopefully you can somehow carve a little time out to do it. If you can afford it, go and purchase Dr. John Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." He is a leading researcher (scientific method) on the marriage/divorce relationship. He's so good that he can predict 94% of the time whether a couple will divorce in the next five years. He and his wife also have a couples counseling practice and they are leading experts in this field. If you don't have the time to read the book, you might want to check into workshops in your area...they train presenters who are qualified to teach his book. I don't know, but I think Gottman might be Jewish, but I will say that every one of his principles and many points in the book are easily backed up by Scripture and I can do that for you if you like. Imo, your marriage might depend on it.

Just in case you didn't know, there is a book out that while based on other authors, it includes research done by John Gottman and is considered the Christian version of "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work".

It's called "A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting For Your Marriage" and can be found here: A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage: Scott M. Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Milt Bryan: 9780787939830: Amazon.com: Books

A used copy is less than $5 shipped as that is what I paid for the book. While I haven't read through the whole book, it is a great book and one that I recommend.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[Avniel]

Shouldn't then adopted children honor their adopted parents? Or kids who are raised by let's say an aunt & uncle..no honor needed?
I understand that verse to mean we should honor, yes our parents, but not just them, but also anyone who is in authority over us as a parent figure.

Yes mother and father biological or not, but yet and still mother and father. In all those situations you have two people aunt and uncle....mother figure and father figure.....not mother figures and father figures.

I don't think it applies to all people in a child's life. A step mother can not be placed on the same level as a mother, a step father can not be placed on the same level as father. Therefore they don't deserve the same amount of respect.

If a step mother or a step father have a stepson or stepdaughter that harm another child, will they be named in the suit, no. Legally they would not have the same liability towards said child.

I don't believe that children should have more then two parental figure it leads to confusion. Step parents are co parents.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

I always filter what is said in those books by what I believe the Bible clearly teaches about family and marriage.

Did you ever consider your beliefs or interpretations may be incorrect? You seem like you would be happier in a patriarchal type of marriage where you are the unquestioned king of your home and your wife exists as nothing more than your adoring servant and outlet for your sexual needs. You married a career woman. If you wanted the traditional marriage, you might have been better off marrying one of the stay at home daughters who truly believe they must go from their father's headship to their husband's.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[Avniel]

Did you ever consider your beliefs or interpretations may be incorrect? You seem like you would be happier in a patriarchal type of marriage where you are the unquestioned king of your home and your wife exists as nothing more than your adoring servant and outlet for your sexual needs. You married a career woman. If you wanted the traditional marriage, you might have been better off marrying one of the stay at home daughters who truly believe they must go from their father's headship to their husband's.

There is nothing wrong with either one. I don't like when people judge others on what is culture deems as acceptable being less because they are doing something different. We should celebrate our differences even if it's not your ideal way don't look down on another person based on what they want.