More and More lazy stay at home wives

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

I do sympathize with her many times. There are days when I know she is too sick or in to much pain to do anything, and I don't let her, I take care of it. As I with anyone who is disabled, there will be good days and bad days. We all have bad days, even those of us who are not disabled for a variety of reasons. Its not what we do on the bad days, its what we do on the good days.

I am not going to argue point for point on my wife's disability, you guys are not here, you don't know her, and you don't know me.

Her sister and her have a great relationship, and her sister has told me many times that she believes her sister is hiding behind her disability. She I agree that her sister found her entire identity in her career as a nurse, and even though she gave lip service to me when we were dating that her career would come second to our marriage and family, she never made good on that.

She thinks being home is a waste and she will never find value in it, it is not looked as opportunity, but as a waste of her life. I realize most of you women will probably agree with her, that because she was a career woman, being home is a waste of her life. But I don't think it is, and neither does her family.

Contrary to popular Christian belief, some women are not cut out to be SAHMs. I know quite a few women who have their identity wrapped up in their career. I have a few daughters who are career women and would not be happy just staying home being SAHMs. One daughter is happy to be a SAHM to her little girls. Another has her own business, works at home and has 4 children. Another is an RN, works full time and just had her first baby. She couldn't imagine giving that up...she stayed home for 3 months after the baby was born and about lost her mind from boredom. Yet another is a cop. I don't really see her ever having a family. The next one is a trauma/flight nurse and EMT and also has no real desire for a family. Yet, they ALL had a SAHM for a mom their entire lives.

Some women just aren't into the whole wife/mom thing. Its ok. Your wife seems to be one of them. So...you can't change who she fundamentally is, you can't change what she sees as her identity. Shoulda thought about that before saying "I do".

 

[HannahT]

Her sister and her have a great relationship, and her sister has told me many times that she believes her sister is hiding behind her disability. She I agree that her sister found her entire identity in her career as a nurse, and even though she gave lip service to me when we were dating that her career would come second to our marriage and family, she never made good on that.

She thinks being home is a waste and she will never find value in it, it is not looked as opportunity, but as a waste of her life. I realize most of you women will probably agree with her, that because she was a career woman, being home is a waste of her life. But I don't think it is, and neither does her family.

If she found value in her career - like many people do not just women - that doesn't mean that is all that she values. I realize that doesn't seem to jive with the negative spin you wish to place on everything, but it can also be truth.

Honestly, I don't see how you and her sister ganging up on her with your opinions on things is going to bare fruit. If the attitude here - we are all right, and she is wrong, lazy, and doesn't give a poop - is present at home too? No offense I'd be working as much a possible. At least people value me there. Why would I want to be around such negative nellies all the time? Talk about a downer.

For goodness sakes, get a housekeeper! Lots of people get tired of doing that, and instead griping about it HIRE someone! Do you value your wallet before your wife? Put your money where you mouth is - seriously!

You have someone that you married, and she inherits 5 children - which is alot to ask for anyone. Your okay with her work ethic then, but now it seems you wish for her to replace lazy wife #1 - and be all that you had in mind for the woman's role. You knew you didn't marry a homemaker, but now you resent for not being one.

Some people struggle when they get hurt, and have an accident. All kinds of crazy thoughts go through their minds. I pray you aren't making it worse with your thought process.

I hope she doesn't spend as much time griping about your debits as you do with her's.

You seriously need to take step back, and stop all this negative thinking. If you can't? You could be looking at divorce #2, and pray that doesn't happen.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Yep. Unrealistic expectations.

You can't expect your wife to be someone she's not.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Looking at all the responses let me see if I can sum up where the majority of responses come from:

1. It does not matter who does what around the house, if one person isn't doing much and the other person carries the lion share(we are being gender neutral here of course) that is ok.
2. Stay at home mom's are fine if the woman chooses that, but if the woman is a career woman its fine if her house is wreck, where her husband does most of the house work because she finds it tedious or boring. If the husband does not want live in filth or have dinner at home, then he can wash the clothes and make dinner if these things are important.
3. In keeping with point #1, if a spouse has a disability, even if they are able to do moderate house work, they should not be expected to do anything. The other spouse should do everything and consider themselves lucky if the other spouse contributes. Just be happy that you occupy the same space together and all will be well.
4. When you are feeling tired or overwhelmed, or under appreciated, or if you feel your spouse is living their life on a couch(verified out by family around them), just refer back to point #3.
5. Laziness in Men is much more common and bigger problem than laziness in women and women except for a very very small tiny minority, are all hard working Stay at home mom's or Career women.

These are just many of the wonderful truths I have learned from this thread.

Dude, if I were married to you, we'd be having a discussion about this mess....right before I packed my stuff and ran out the front door. You have some seriously goofy ideas about marriage. You have NO CLUE what it's really like to live with a disabled spouse. You are expecting FAR too much. You refuse to take into consideration that she is probably suffering from some serious depression issues regarding the loss of her career/identity as a nurse. Instead of berating her, why don't you try being non-confrontational and discussing what the loss of her career has meant to her.

I could fuss and whine to my husband that he's not helping me out at all around the house or with the children at times, but I also know that he is having real issues with the knowledge that he is 51 years old and will not EVER be able to go back to work. How would you feel if suddenly your career was stripped from you by circumstances beyond your control? How would you feel if everyone around you was suddenly trying to force you into a role you do not feel inspired by or even qualified for (beyond having two X chromosomes)?

I think you need to examine YOUR OWN motives here. Show some empathy. I would also strongly advise the two of you go see a marriage counselor...but if you're told your POV is in error, you'd probably argue the point.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Dude, if I were married to you, we'd be having a discussion about this mess....right before I packed my stuff and ran out the front door. You have some seriously goofy ideas about marriage. You have NO CLUE what it's really like to live with a disabled spouse. You are expecting FAR too much. You refuse to take into consideration that she is probably suffering from some serious depression issues regarding the loss of her career/identity as a nurse. Instead of berating her, why don't you try being non-confrontational and discussing what the loss of her career has meant to her.

I could fuss and whine to my husband that he's not helping me out at all around the house or with the children at times, but I also know that he is having real issues with the knowledge that he is 51 years old and will not EVER be able to go back to work. How would you feel if suddenly your career was stripped from you by circumstances beyond your control? How would you feel if everyone around you was suddenly trying to force you into a role you do not feel inspired by or even qualified for (beyond having two X chromosomes)?

I think you need to examine YOUR OWN motives here. Show some empathy. I would also strongly advise the two of you go see a marriage counselor...but if you're told your POV is in error, you'd probably argue the point.

QFT!

 

[HannahT]

Looking at all the responses let me see if I can sum up where the majority of responses come from:

1. It does not matter who does what around the house, if one person isn't doing much and the other person carries the lion share(we are being gender neutral here of course) that is ok.
2. Stay at home mom's are fine if the woman chooses that, but if the woman is a career woman its fine if her house is wreck, where her husband does most of the house work because she finds it tedious or boring. If the husband does not want live in filth or have dinner at home, then he can wash the clothes and make dinner if these things are important.
3. In keeping with point #1, if a spouse has a disability, even if they are able to do moderate house work, they should not be expected to do anything. The other spouse should do everything and consider themselves lucky if the other spouse contributes. Just be happy that you occupy the same space together and all will be well.
4. When you are feeling tired or overwhelmed, or under appreciated, or if you feel your spouse is living their life on a couch(verified out by family around them), just refer back to point #3.
5. Laziness in Men is much more common and bigger problem than laziness in women and women except for a very very small tiny minority, are all hard working Stay at home mom's or Career women.

These are just many of the wonderful truths I have learned from this thread.

Sarcasm isn't helpful.

If you want to just concentrate on what you seem to read as the 'majority' I guess no one can stop you.

Sadly, I saw way more than what you mentioned. If that is how you wish to take things no one can stop you. Stick with your negative outlook, because I guess you seem to feel it works for you.

Some 'people' do value careers more so than others. SAHM's - at least the ones I know - consider that a career. Yes, they value their job as well.

For the record? Being lazy is hardly gender based, or one gender doing more of it.

We do seem to live in a world where people feel entitled to what they want, how they want it, and give me it when I want it. If you aren't on my train of thinking excuse me while I treat you like the enemy. I have the right to think the worse of you, and 'your' type.

Yes, sadly that is very common in one form or another. No wonder next to everyone is miserable.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[HannahT]

I think you need to examine YOUR OWN motives here. Show some empathy. I would also strongly advise the two of you go see a marriage counselor...but if you're told your POV is in error, you'd probably argue the point.

No offense, Muse.

I honestly get the same impression as the above.

It seems very important to you to find a gang of people to support your POV, and you beat her with it. I mean you have the kids, the sister, and goodness knows who else.

lol You seem to feel we are doing the same to you!

It's effective right?! (Yes, my attempt at sarcasm!)

 

[ProudMomxmany]

And the Proverbs 31 woman? She had her own business on top of her stuff at home.

I do NOT need scripture quoted to me regarding the roles of a wife and mother. However, there are those who are NOT called to that life even if they are women. Deal with it.

I have a disabled husband. I also lived through his 24 year naval career where I did it ALL for months on end, with small children. Did I whine and fuss that I had to not only take care of the children, but get the car fixed, mow the lawn, occasionally move (one time overseas)? Heck, I even bought a couple of vehicles and a house without his help. Nope. That's the way it was. Now...do I whine and fuss that he's currently napping on the couch while I need to start fixing dinner (and I REALLY am tired of cooking right now)? Do I DEMAND that he get up and fix dinner for me since I'm actually quite tired and tired of doing the lion's share of the housework, child-rearing, care-taking and all that? No, I do not. I get my tired hindparts off the couch and go fix dinner (in reality, we'll be eating leftovers).

Maybe it's just that I've come way too close to my husband dying on me to worry about the little incidentals like the division of labor in our house. His last hospitalization he was thisclose to a diabetic coma (blood glucose over 700) and when they administered the insulin drip he swung the other way (blood glucose of 16). It took over 2 weeks for them to stabilize him enough to come home. We missed Christmas AND New Year's due to that. Am I going to fuss that he "ruined" the holidays for us? Nope! I'm going to praise God that he's alive, home and napping on the couch!

Sorry...I have no sympathy for you after living through my husband's illness and couple of near-death episodes. I praise God for every day that he's here, even if he's so sick that the best he can do is lay on the couch and watch TV while I do everything else and feel bone-weary by the end of the day.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Yeah, keep being a martyr. Your initial statement regarding lazy wives was painting ALL SAHMs with the same brush. Some may be, some aren't. YOUR specific situation is not "laziness" but someone who is dealing with some very real physical and emotional issues. She needs help, empathy and love, not someone berating her. Why don't you try that thing in the bible about "Husbands LOVE your wives as Christ loves the church"? Seems to me that doesn't mean the wife is a servant, but rather the husband is the servant in the same way that Christ gave himself as a servant, going to His death to save us.

 

[ValleyGal]

I am a computer programmer, but my first identity after being a Christian, is as a husband and father. I can always find another job, I can't find another family. God commands me to provide for my family, but that is not my identity.

Musing, you put in 60 hours a week, according to you. Yes, part of being a husband is to provide. But I think you are missing the point of provision. Women are also to provide, as per the many women in the Bible who worked outside the home, like Deborah and the Proverbs 31 woman, and who was that....Priscilla? in the NT who sold purple cloth? Anyway, there is absolutely nothing wrong with women working outside the home. And yes, men are also to provide for their families.

Now let's take a closer look at provision. While I do believe that financial provision is part of this, I also think there are other ways to provide. You also provide companionship, you provide warmth, you provide sexual expression, you provide in many ways....including caring for her when she is disabled. You need to provide more care for her now by "helping" her at home - and I might suggest that you would be fulfilling your obligation to provide better for her if you did not complain about it.

Now let's look at your job. You work 60 hours and you say you can always find another job. So here's the thing. In order to provide for her additional needs now that she is disabled, you might need to leave your 60-hour job and take one that is only 40 hours. This will free up an extra 20 hours a week that you can devote to meeting her needs and the needs of your home. And then maybe you would not have the building resentment you do about it.

There are options.

ETA - no one here (that I saw) suggested you consider divorcing her. That was obviously on your mind, though, since you brought it up. That is concerning...

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

If I thought getting rid of my extra job would accomplish what you say I would do it in a heart beat. Yes I would have more energy to do those things. Then it would create more anxiety in her about money. Anytime we are low on money she gets crabbier, so that would be counter productive.

But me quitting my second job will not get her off the couch. It won't change her world view anymore than it will change mine.

And you refuse to change yours and find out if maybe that will help your wife...whatta guy! Do you not know that marriage is all about adjustments? What worked yesterday may not work today or tomorrow. I've been married my entire adult life and I know that I have grown and changed over the years so that the wife and mother I was when my first baby was born is not the same wife and mother I was when my last baby was born. I am not the same wife and mother I was just a few weeks or months ago. Life has a way of changing us, hopefully always for the better.

But then again, after 32 years, 12 children, 15 moves and a whole lot of adjusting, I know nothing about marriage OR parenting....

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ValleyGal]

But me quitting my second job will not get her off the couch. It won't change her world view anymore than it will change mine.

No, her disability keeps her on the couch, and imo, her really negative environment is also contributing to keeping her there.

A woman absolutely needs to provide for her family. The scripture you provide in 1 Timothy is actually gender neutral in the Greek and more accurately reads like this:

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

You have been given numerous viewpoints, different ways of thinking, various ways of supporting your wife, tips for understanding her and her issues, and alternative ways of thinking about these things, yet I'm still seeing excuses and blame. My gut feeling is that you are not willing to change the situation, but are placing "change" on her, and then you can use this to rationalize and justify your growing resentment, when she doesn't change.

I, too, would not be surprised if you are headed to divorce 2, unfortunately. But there is something you can do to stop it...

 

[ProudMomxmany]

But now I have to make the best I can of our conflicting world views. One way to do that as I said earlier is to expect absolutely nothing from her, which I can do for periods of time. During those times I take care of whatever she needs, watch shows with her and do what she wants. Then I have my interests like reading and some playstation4 which take my mind off things.

I truly believe 90% of the problem is between your ears. You expect to "endure" and play the martyr instead of attempting to do anything positive about the situation (you've been given plenty of good advice here). I think you have unrealistic expectations of marriage in general and your wife specifically.

So...time to get off your pity pot and DO something proactive and positive instead of fussing and whining and moaning...you have two choices...you can't change your wife so you can either stay where you are or change YOUR point of view. Its a choice...if you choose to stay where you are, talking about how miserable you are, then I have no respect for you whatsoever. If you choose to make changes in your thinking, then good for you.

Like I said, I've lived with a disabled spouse for the last few years. It ain't easy. Its EXTREMELY difficult on a good day and darn near impossible on a bad day. BUT...they can only do what they can do and its not up to you to decide.