Monogamy/Non-Monogamy/Divorce

[MournfulWatcher]

I'd kill myself. It's not worth living without, but it makes life terrible to live with. The thought of giving it up is painful, and the act itself it worse. I'm giving it up now. and the more I give it up, the more I hate God for making me give it up. I just wish God take it. How can I give God the glory when all I see him doing is nothing. This is my effort, and my efforts always fail. But when I just trust God, its even worse. Life sucks to live.

It's possible you may have some kind of sexual addiction Signs and Symptoms of Sexual Addiction – Causes and Effects (quote below)

"It is best to consult with a healthcare professional for proper evaluation of your sex addiction, however, you may also want to look out for the following signs:

• You feel powerless over how you act sexually.
• Your sexual choices are making your life unmanageable.
• You feel shame, embarrassment or even self-loathing over your sexual acts.
• You promise yourself you’ll change, but fail to keep those promises.
• You’re so preoccupied with sex it becomes like a ritual to you."

You've been doing this for so long of course it is going to be painful to give it up. But living with it is also causing you pain. You're having cognitive dissonance between your flesh and the holy spirit inside you that's telling you it is wrong.

My suggestion is to see a doctor/therapist. This is a very serious problem you're having if it makes you suicidal to consider giving this lifestyle up.