Me not having been married, is a concern to a divorced Christian

[Jamdoc]

If the previous partner has died, then one is without question free to marry (1 Cor 7:39).

The early church did allow repentant fornicators to marry from what I have been able to tell (Augustine knew it was an option for him).

One could also argue that Rahab's marriage was permissible, even though not all of her previous partners had been accounted for. Sure, all the men of Jericho had been killed, but that doesn't account for any travelers she might have serviced. She wouldn't have been an option for the high priest's wife, but the high priest was held to a higher standard than the rest of the people and there is no Biblical reason to believe that the standards for only the high priest apply to all Christians.

Sure, it was not forbidden for a repentant former fornicator to marry, but that is all before a covenant relationship.
It really boils down to the forging of a covenant or not.

 

[Jamdoc]

I'm curious how many who are espousing biblical precedents have rejected a partner on those grounds. Especially one who desired their companionship.

I have. We've been acquainted for 17 years. And it hurt. Not one day. Every single day. It took a long time before the tears ceased. We still talk now.

Postulations are easy. It's in your head. But when you have someone who loves you and craves your presence you'll know where you stand. If you haven't experienced it you haven't forsaken love for God.

Relinquishing an opportunity isn't the same as a guarantee. It doesn't equate with the person willing to spend their life at your side.

If you can let that go you know you love Him.

~bella

I recognize that it is somewhat unrealistic to tell a person to uninvolve themselves with a person because that person is a divorcee.
and yes, that sin can be forgiven.
It's still not something I can advocate someone doing.
It's still something where my response has to come from the word, not my own feelings on the matter.
Because if it was for my own feelings? I wouldn't have a problem with it. My sister married young and it was a mistake, she divorced and remarried and she is much much happier with her second husband.
I find it very difficult to reconcile that the bible says she had to stay with her first husband and that her second husband is committing adultery.
but I have to accept that the bible is right and my own feelings are wrong.
The closest I've come personally in this matter? Was cutting off a budding relationship with a girl in college when I learned she was a divorced single mother, and to be perfectly honest, it wasn't the sin aspect of it that made me cut it off it was me not being ready to take on a relationship that involved a child already involved. So I can't claim that I chose Jesus over my own desires specifically even though that choice did coincide. It choosing what was wise for myself over my own desires, so it was still about me, not Jesus.

 

[bèlla]

I recognize that it is somewhat unrealistic to tell a person to uninvolve themselves with a person because that person is a divorcee.

I've never dated a divorcee. But I'm leery of people who postulate things they've never done. I know the difference. Even when I'm polite.

Telling someone to forsake something you've never encountered isn't the same. It doesn't make it real. It doesn't mean you'd pull the plug.

Truthfully, that wasn't for you. It was for @ThisIsMe123.

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

I've never dated a divorce. But I'm leery of people who postulate things they've never done. I know the difference. Even when I'm polite.

Telling someone to forsake something you've never encountered isn't the same. It doesn't make it real. It doesn't mean you'd pull the plug.

Truthfully, that wasn't for you. It was for @ThisIsMe123.

~bella

Oh since I'm the one that was discouraging going for it, and feel myself that maybe I am too harsh about it, that maybe it was aimed at me. Because in my own mind, it is kind of harsh to tell someone not to do something not even based on my own opinion about something but deferring to God. I'm sure as weak as I am, I couldn't even take my own advice, so yeah, I expect pushback Because part of me wants to pushback myself and disagree with Jesus.
But I know I'm wrong to do so.
Part of me wants to say "do what you like and what makes you happy."
But I know I'd be wrong to say it.
I'm a hypocrite.
so.. knowing I'm a hypocrite, knowing I'm wrong, I can only defer to Jesus.

 

[bèlla]

Oh since I'm the one that was discouraging going for it, and feel myself that maybe I am too harsh about it, that maybe it was aimed at me.

It wasn't aimed at anyone.

I've done it and the consequence still affect me. I wouldn't advise the same without an honest discussion.

If you felt led to pursue that line then do so.

~bella

 

[Sketcher]

I'm curious how many who are espousing biblical precedents have rejected a partner on those grounds. Especially one who desired their companionship.

I have. We've been acquainted for 17 years. And it hurt. Not one day. Every single day. It took a long time before the tears ceased. We still talk now.

Postulations are easy. It's in your head. But when you have someone who loves you and craves your presence you'll know where you stand. If you haven't experienced it you haven't forsaken love for God.

Relinquishing an opportunity isn't the same as a guarantee. It doesn't equate with the person willing to spend their life at your side.

If you can let that go you know you love Him.

~bella

I'm sure it's harder than I can imagine. That's why I avoid starting relationships with those who have divorced. I didn't let my attractions to them advance beyond minor crushes.

 

[bèlla]

I'm sure it's harder than I can imagine. That's why I avoid starting relationships with those who have divorced. I didn't let my attractions to them advance beyond minor crushes.

Everyone’s convictions differ. I wasn’t always on this path. I had someone who wanted to spend their life with me. It didn’t happen. Then God showed up. Two years passed and I returned. He still desired me. But you can’t marry an atheist.

If you’ve seen my conversation with @sampa you’ll know who I’m referencing. That’s M. He’s helping me get settled. The irony is difficult to admit. I don’t have a Christian brother doing the same. Few would. My welfare matters. Even at a personal cost. That’s love.

I don’t believe in supposition. You can’t ignite a soul by make believe. When you speak from a place of experience you sound differently. It isn’t pretty. You hear the cracks and stumbles. That’s how you reach them.

If that’s your conviction stand in it. But don’t forget the rest. Admit the struggle and sacrifices. Get real about the price you’ve paid for your position. That’s the part that goes unsaid and the one they need to hear.

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Everyone’s convictions differ. I wasn’t always on this path. I had someone who wanted to spend their life with me. It didn’t happen. Then God showed up. Two years passed and I returned. He still desired me. But you can’t marry an atheist.

If you’ve seen my conversation with @sampa you’ll know who I’m referencing. That’s M. He’s helping me get settled. The irony is difficult to admit. I don’t have a Christian brother doing the same. Few would. My welfare matters. Even at a personal cost. That’s love.

I don’t believe in supposition. You can’t ignite a soul by make believe. When you speak from a place of experience you sound differently. It isn’t pretty. You hear the cracks and stumbles. That’s how you reach them.

If that’s your conviction stand in it. But don’t forget the rest. Admit the struggle and sacrifices. Get real about the price you’ve paid for your position. That’s the part that goes unsaid and the one they need to hear.

~bella

Yeah.. being unequally yoked and all that. It's definitely understandable to want to change someone for the better, but.. the more likely outcome is pulling you away from God rather than pulling them to God.
It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you've known and loved for years over a spiritual difference but it happens. I've known at least 1 that has gone wiccan.

 

[Sketcher]

Everyone’s convictions differ. I wasn’t always on this path. I had someone who wanted to spend their life with me. It didn’t happen. Then God showed up. Two years passed and I returned. He still desired me. But you can’t marry an atheist.

If you’ve seen my conversation with @sampa you’ll know who I’m referencing. That’s M. He’s helping me get settled. The irony is difficult to admit. I don’t have a Christian brother doing the same. Few would. My welfare matters. Even at a personal cost. That’s love.

I don’t believe in supposition. You can’t ignite a soul by make believe. When you speak from a place of experience you sound differently. It isn’t pretty. You hear the cracks and stumbles. That’s how you reach them.

If that’s your conviction stand in it. But don’t forget the rest. Admit the struggle and sacrifices. Get real about the price you’ve paid for your position. That’s the part that goes unsaid and the one they need to hear.

~bella

The price I have paid and will continue to pay as I get older is fewer options, much fewer options now. Unfortunately articulating that doesn't matter to those who are butthurt by repeating what Jesus taught, so I don't always bother. I break it in the most palatable way that I know how, but there's no way to make this teaching truly attractive in a culture that accepts and believes in remarriage after divorce. It still needs to get taught.

 

[bèlla]

Yeah.. being unequally yoked and all that. It's definitely understandable to want to change someone for the better, but.. the more likely outcome is pulling you away from God rather than pulling them to God.
It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you've known and loved for years over a spiritual difference but it happens. I've known at least 1 that has gone wiccan.

My return to God wasn't a cakewalk. I endured a year of spiritual torment. That's why I know so much about warfare. We've been talking for 10 years now. I spent 7 laboring for him. I've never wavered. That doesn't mean I don't care. The experience changed me. I don't pray that way anymore. I wish I could.

The sacrifice wasn't the hardest part. It was meeting suitors afterward. So many fell short and I was upset. I felt like I was settling. It took a long time for me to warm to Christian men. They have a different energy and spirit.

But you're right, most would be corrupted. I read a lot of books on spiritual mismatches when we started talking again. I remember something Lee Strobel said. He said the Christian is usually the one who's influenced. They believe they'll affect the other but it rarely happens. Oftentimes they fall.

I had a lot of boundaries in place to prevent it. We've known each other a long time and familiarity brings down walls. Now it's more about mindfulness. I'm not at risk. But his heart is. I don't want to hurt him. I walk a fine line.

I wouldn't advise anyone to do the same. That was a mission from God. If you undertake it in the flesh you'll fail. There's many in similar positions. They long for companionship and they're looking elsewhere. That isn't the answer.

A woman in a bible study shared her story. She married an atheist and knew it was wrong. She assumed he'd come to faith. But it didn't happen. It took 20 years before he budged. The pain I heard in her voice was powerful. I never forgot it.

I knew the Lord was giving me a 411. And I listened.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

The price I have paid and will continue to pay as I get older is fewer options, much fewer options now. Unfortunately articulating that doesn't matter to those who are butthurt by repeating what Jesus taught, so I don't always bother. I break it in the most palatable way that I know how, but there's no way to make this teaching truly attractive in a culture that accepts and believes in remarriage after divorce. It still needs to get taught.

Don't think that. The opening is impactful. That's the nitty gritty truth. Maybe some will ignore it. But the right ones won't. They're the ones who need to hear it.

There's a lot of loneliness in Christian circles. That can lead to a lot of problems. Once you start compromising the line keeps moving. You go further than planned.

The issue is sufferance. Most people don't know how to do it or view it negatively. But you can enlighten them. You can't walk that road without it.

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

My return to God wasn't a cakewalk. I endured a year of spiritual torment. That's why I know so much about warfare. We've been talking for 10 years now. I spent 7 laboring for him. I've never wavered. That doesn't mean I don't care. The experience changed me. I don't pray that way anymore. I wish I could.

The sacrifice wasn't the hardest part. It was meeting suitors afterward. So many fell short and I was upset. I felt like I was settling. It took a long time for me to warm to Christian men. They have a different energy and spirit.

But you're right, most would be corrupted. I read a lot of books on spiritual mismatches when we started talking again. I remember something Lee Strobel said. He said the Christian is usually the one who's influenced. They believe they'll affect the other but it rarely happens. Oftentimes they fall.

I had a lot of boundaries in place to prevent it. We've known each other a long time and familiarity brings down walls. Now it's more about mindfulness. I'm not at risk. But his heart is. I don't want to hurt him. I walk a fine line.

I wouldn't advise anyone to do the same. That was a mission from God. If you undertake it in the flesh you'll fail. There's many in similar positions. They long for companionship and they're looking elsewhere. That isn't the answer.

A woman in a bible study shared her story. She married an atheist and knew it was wrong. She assumed he'd come to faith. But it didn't happen. It took 20 years before he budged. The pain I heard in her voice was powerful. I never forgot it.

I knew the Lord was giving me a 411. And I listened.

~bella

I had a wicked backslide too. about a decade I think maybe more. More like 2 really bad backslides for most of my adult life, with a few years of coming back before getting mad again and trying to walk away. I was angry, so I tried to stop believing. Still talked to Him when I didn't want to. Publicly called myself agnostic, fell into the world.... and it wasn't just spiritually painful, it was physically painful as well. I attribute a lot of my physical suffering as warranted chastisement. It's a big part of what called me back.
I think the final straw was when I just outright said there WAS no spirit, that it's just consciousness, and when your brain shuts down.. it's like turning off a computer, that's it. It's a dark thought.. but it's what my family, what my friends, what girlfriends have often believed... and at that point? What is the point?
It's a dark, hopeless place to be, and I knew it was wrong.
it was like being swallowed up, so I reached out for what I knew, and found Him again, and loved Him again, realized that while He'd let me drift off, He'd had the tether the whole time to pull me back, He'd never let go, even if He was willing to let me go sulk and be angry for a season. It's what children do.. they rebel, they declare themselves independent, but when they realize they're not as independent as they think.. the Father opens up His house to His children and let's them come back in.
But I still feel sad because the people I know, either never loved Him, or haven't come back to Him yet... and most, while they've heard of Him, over and over and over... they don't want to know Him
It's hard enough when it's family and friends who have this outlook.. to have a spouse that you've committed your life to be that black hole that threatens to swallow you up? Unimaginable. I find myself distancing from friends who don't share my faith, and to some extent distancing myself from family
That's hard enough as it is. But a spouse? that's a stronger bond.
That is why it's unequally YOKED.

 

[bèlla]

I had a wicked backslide too. about a decade I think maybe more. More like 2 really bad backslides for most of my adult life, with a few years of coming back before getting mad again and trying to walk away. I was angry, so I tried to stop believing. Still talked to Him when I didn't want to. Publicly called myself agnostic, fell into the world.... and it wasn't just spiritually painful, it was physically painful as well.

I don't know if I backslid per se. I didn't find fulfillment in church and wasn't raised in Christian community. I knew I couldn't be Catholic and the alternatives left me wanting. Some of that still holds true. I'm more contemplative. My relationship with God nourishes my spirit. But the rest feels like work, going through the motions, etc. I need something off the beaten path. I haven't found it yet. But I will in time.

I attribute a lot of my physical suffering as warranted chastisement. It's a big part of what called me back.

Do you believe you would have returned without it? How did it impact your relationship? I suffered a lot and asked Him why He allowed the evil one to hurt me. I thought I'd need a shrink. It was just that bad.

He healed me and helped me work through the pain. And He sent me to Job to help me understand suffering from His perspective. I've had the hurt and reward. I wouldn't relive it. But I wouldn't have the certainty I possess without it.

I think the final straw was when I just outright said there WAS no spirit, that it's just consciousness, and when your brain shuts down.. it's like turning off a computer, that's it.

I was agnostic. I didn't believe in Jesus and I was nearing the point where I didn't think He existed either. I was truly lost. I wasn't running away from God. I searched high and low for Him. That's why I tried so many religions. I wanted to find Him but He was far away. The search exhausted me. I was ready to give up. That's when I found Him.

Jesus took longer. But when you have something diabolical harassing you. You figure things out real quick.

It's a dark thought.. but it's what my family, what my friends, what girlfriends have often believed... and at that point? What is the point?
It's a dark, hopeless place to be, and I knew it was wrong.
it was like being swallowed up, so I reached out for what I knew, and found Him again, and loved Him again, realized that while He'd let me drift off, He'd had the tether the whole time to pull me back, He'd never let go, even if He was willing to let me go sulk and be angry for a season.

I agree. He allowed me to wander. I needed to know the truth and be able to articulate it with love. Once I understood my calling everything made sense. There's so much darkness. At times it grieves my spirit. I might have fallen prey to deception or false teachings if I hadn't been exposed to the lies.

But I still feel sad because the people I know, either never loved Him, or haven't come back to Him yet... and most, while they've heard of Him, over and over and over... they don't want to know Him

I used to be sad. But not anymore. I trust the process. All that I can do is love Him and extend the same to others. Hearts and minds are His domain. He knows how to reach them.

It's hard enough when it's family and friends who have this outlook.. to have a spouse that you've committed your life to be that black hole that threatens to swallow you up? Unimaginable.

I wouldn't knowingly marry someone who didn't believe. But if he experienced challenges down the road it wouldn't break me. I'm hands-off about God. I believe in allowing people to build the relationship on their terms. I don't expect him to behave like me or the Christian ideal. I hope he isn't afraid to tell me the truth if he's struggling.

I find myself distancing from friends who don't share my faith, and to some extent distancing myself from family

I don't expect everyone to share my faith. My closest friends are Christians. But belief doesn't give you an in with me. I'm more concerned with how people live their lives. There's Christians I don't want to be around. Belief should inform your person. I look for evidence they're practicing what they preach.

As a rule, I'm usually drawn to people who can face the man in the mirror without shame. They're not afraid to tell the truth. Spiritual romanticism has no appeal. A lot of people hide behind God to avoid change or taking action. I can't stomach that.

That's hard enough as it is. But a spouse? that's a stronger bond.
That is why it's unequally YOKED.

When a mismatch occurs women usually come to faith much earlier than men. Twenty-year waits are common. I used to go a website that served people in that situation. Not only for edification. But also as a reality check. Lest I lose my head.

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Do you believe you would have returned without it? How did it impact your relationship? I suffered a lot and asked Him why He allowed the evil one to hurt me. I thought I'd need a shrink. It was just that bad.

Probably not. like the prodigal son I needed to be brought pretty low to come back.

He healed me and helped me work through the pain. And He sent me to Job to help me understand suffering from His perspective. I've had the hurt and reward. I wouldn't relive it. But I wouldn't have the certainty I possess without it.

I haven't been healed physically yet. I don't know if I will in this life. To be honest.. I think it's part of a plan that I'm crippled, and surrounded by disbelievers. There will come a time when families will betray believers. Kind of a dark thought I know, but as much as it was chastisement, I now believe it to have been conditioning, and I just say.. if that's your plan well then at least it gives the suffering meaning. It does affect the relationship. I'm not a happy man. But I find connection in Job, in Jeremiah, in Elijah, in David (like Psalms 6), and in some ways Jesus Himself (a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief). Some of my grimness and somberness comes out of knowing I'll never be married. I know that's not in God's plan for me, as much as I would like it to be. God has not promised me everything I want. So that is another thing that has affected my relationship, is FOMO. Easily the single biggest negative impact on my relationship to God, has been that FOMO and lack of a woman's love.
So.. combine the two.. an end time's belief that my own family of unbelievers may betray me when i need them most, that I may suffer for God who has conditioned me to suffer, I've never been the kind of person that God has just showered with blessings (at least it can be said I'm not a fairweather follower)... and FOMO of never being married and having my own family, it primes me to be pretty unhappy, even about God. But at least if it happens for Him it gives it meaning.

I was agnostic. I didn't believe in Jesus and I was nearing the point where I didn't think He existed either. I was truly lost. I wasn't running away from God. I searched high and low for Him. That's why I tried so many religions. I wanted to find Him but He was far away. The search exhausted me. I was ready to give up. That's when I found Him.

Jesus took longer. But when you have something diabolical harassing you. You figure things out real quick.

It's a little amusing now to think of when I claimed to be atheist or agnostic and still found myself talking to God when I was alone at nights. It's like getting a phone call from a parent you don't want to be on speaking terms with, you're mad, you're sullen, you claim you hate them and want nothing to do with them, even claim they're not your parents, you're no father of mine, etc.. but, you don't just hang up or block the call, like you would if you truly claimed they weren't your parents anymore. He listens to your angry lashing out with patience, and He just says whenever you're coming home, your room is still here, we haven't done anything with it.

I agree. He allowed me to wander. I needed to know the truth and be able to articulate it with love. Once I understood my calling everything made sense. There's so much darkness. At times it grieves my spirit. I might have fallen prey to deception or false teachings if I hadn't been exposed to the lies.



I used to be sad. But not anymore. I trust the process. All that I can do is love Him and extend the same to others. Hearts and minds are His domain. He knows how to reach them.



I wouldn't knowingly marry someone who didn't believe. But if he experienced challenges down the road it wouldn't break me. I'm hands-off about God. I believe in allowing people to build the relationship on their terms. I don't expect him to behave like me or the Christian ideal. I hope he isn't afraid to tell me the truth if he's struggling.



I don't expect everyone to share my faith. My closest friends are Christians. But belief doesn't give you an in with me. I'm more concerned with how people live their lives. There's Christians I don't want to be around. Belief should inform your person. I look for evidence they're practicing what they preach.

As a rule, I'm usually drawn to people who can face the man in the mirror without shame. They're not afraid to tell the truth. Spiritual romanticism has no appeal. A lot of people hide behind God to avoid change or taking action. I can't stomach that.



When a mismatch occurs women usually come to faith much earlier than men. Twenty-year waits are common. I used to go a website that served people in that situation. Not only for edification. But also as a reality check. Lest I lose my head.

~bella

Seems like we've gone through some parallels in life, but your outlook ends up being different than mine. Mine's certainly more expectant of some serious pain along the way, and FOMO.
Marriage being the big one.

 

[bèlla]

Probably not. like the prodigal son I needed to be brought pretty low to come back.

Wow. That's never pleasant. I'm glad you're beyond it.

I haven't been healed physically yet. I don't know if I will in this life.

It didn't happen immediately. The mental and emotional stuff needed to be addressed. I was scarred by the experience. But I don't fear evil now. I'll fight.

To be honest.. I think it's part of a plan that I'm crippled, and surrounded by disbelievers. There will come a time when families will betray believers. Kind of a dark thought I know, but as much as it was chastisement, I now believe it to have been conditioning, and I just say.

The experience is seared in your conscience. Some people forget what it was like to be lost. You need someone who understands that space. I do and so do you.

Some of my grimness and somberness comes out of knowing I'll never be married. I know that's not in God's plan for me, as much as I would like it to be. God has not promised me everything I want.

Did you always feel that way? Was marriage always your aim? Were you told you should marry growing up?

So that is another thing that has affected my relationship, is FOMO. Easily the single biggest negative impact on my relationship to God, has been that FOMO and lack of a woman's love.

I'm sorry to hear that.

and FOMO of never being married and having my own family, it primes me to be pretty unhappy, even about God. But at least if it happens for Him it gives it meaning.

Have you asked Him to remove it?

He listens to your angry lashing out with patience, and He just says whenever you're coming home, your room is still here, we haven't done anything with it.

True. The only time I've said no was regarding marriage or a relationship. I'm traditional yet unorthodox. In my wayward life that was desirable. A lot of Christian men needs things the old me was good at. I had a wife's disposition. But that isn't my default now. It's not that I can't enter that headspace. My calling has primacy. It feeds something in me I can't get elsewhere. I don't think that's the case for most.

Seems like we've gone through some parallels in life, but your outlook ends up being different than mine. Mine's certainly more expectant of some serious pain along the way, and FOMO.
Marriage being the big one.

We have. The only time this comes up is when I'm here. I don't think about it often. I'm focused on other things. I'll settle at some point. But it doesn't have to happen right now. The space in between is important.

I need someone who can walk the fine line of being in the world and making an impact. I can't give them a Christian utopia. While my friends are believers. That's going to change the further I go down this path. Meeting them where they are means going where they are too. He has to be willing to do that.

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Wow. That's never pleasant. I'm glad you're beyond it.



It didn't happen immediately. The mental and emotional stuff needed to be addressed. I was scarred by the experience. But I don't fear evil now. I'll fight.



The experience is seared in your conscience. Some people forget what it was like to be lost. You need someone who understands that space. I do and so do you.

More or less it's a combination of noticing patterns (I'm vulnerable if people were to start being arrested for their beliefs, as I'm unable to flee between physical limitations and lack of resources, and my family is capable of betraying me, I am also plugged into the VA network. If our government did some FEMA camp thing, my number is up, it is the perfect storm), noticing the state of the world, which fits into basically how Jesus described the state of the world before the second coming, comparing it with scripture, which describes upcoming periods of persecution, and not feeling called to do anything yet except wait. The narrative pieces itself together when you find yourself kind of in a trap, just waiting for it to spring. Of course nobody'd be happy knowing they were in a trap ready for it to spring.
Maybe I sound crazy, I probably do.
But it's the one way in which I see the hand of God working.
and it gives continued suffering purpose. If it was ONLY a means of bringing me back, wouldn't He have healed me by now?

Did you always feel that way? Was marriage always your aim? Were you told you should marry growing up?
I'm sorry to hear that.

I've always loved women, and preferred their company (even platonically) to men, so yeah, of course I've always wanted to be married someday. To know it's never going to happen, is like throwing your dreams into the air and shotgunning them out of the sky.
Children I didn't really specifically want until I was in my late 20's to around 30.
But that's another plate thrown up in the air and blasted to pieces now.

Have you asked Him to remove it?

No, and I don't think I ever would.
"Father please brainwash me to not want what's perfectly normal and natural for a man to want, what you designed to be a part of human life ever since the Garden, just make me into a robot that serves you"
No I couldn't do it, as I'm sure I couldn't conceal my disdain for the idea to begin with.
It's one thing to ask for sinful desires to be taken away, because they're sin.
It's another thing entirely to ask for non sinful desires to be taken away, good desires, ones that fit into the general plan for how people were supposed to live, just apparently not for me as an individual.

True. The only time I've said no was regarding marriage or a relationship. I'm traditional yet unorthodox. In my wayward life that was desirable. A lot of Christian men needs things the old me was good at. I had a wife's disposition. But that isn't my default now. It's not that I can't enter that headspace. My calling has primacy. It feeds something in me I can't get elsewhere. I don't think that's the case for most.

I don't even know a calling, what I'm even capable of, aside from waiting for the trap I'm in to spring.

We have. The only time this comes up is when I'm here. I don't think about it often. I'm focused on other things. I'll settle at some point. But it doesn't have to happen right now. The space in between is important.
I need someone who can walk the fine line of being in the world and making an impact. I can't give them a Christian utopia. While my friends are believers. That's going to change the further I go down this path. Meeting them where they are means going where they are too. He has to be willing to do that.

Honestly I'd prefer to have replied in a PM but you have those disabled or something, sorry to the OP for going into my own situation.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

I've always suspected that when people say this kind of thing, the unspoken sub-text is that if you haven't married by a certain age, it's because you must be defective in some way that makes you fundamentally un-marriageable. Certainly I have read articles online where people not only moan about the lack of potential matches who they consider to be good marriage material, but also state that they are waiting for the first round of divorcees to become available.

For various reasons I think that's a nonsense argument. Not least because there are all kinds of reasons why people may have remained unmarried. It could be because they're a toxic, anti-social person. But it could equally well be because they just haven't met the right person, or despite their advancing years, they were not previously at the right stage in their life for marriage.

 

[bèlla]

Sorry about that @ThisIsMe123. How are things going? Any improvement?

@Jamdoc I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it. Let me check my settings.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

Once upon a time a woman who didn't marry was called a spinster. But there was never a similar term for men. And there's a reason. The majority who wanted to marry had no problem doing so. They were in demand. The ones who remained unattached preferred that state.

Two world wars wiped out massive numbers of young, marriageable people in the prime of their lives. Nearly all of those wiped out were men. I agree that historically it has often been easier for men to remain single (e.g. men who lived and breathed scientific research 24/7). However, in some cases there would be suspicions that they were a 'confirmed bachelor' (gay). That might not sound much of an issue now, but back then it was problematic to have people gossiping about that, especially as homosexual acts were still illegal back then.

It's an unfortunate reality that many in the church view adult singles as suspicious or like a second class citizen of heaven.

One of the first commandments is to 'be fruitful and multiply'. Maybe that explains why families often seem to be the major focus in many churches.

Honestly, I think that verse is quite debate-able.

Of course there's a caveat to that, if the former spouse cheated on her, (which was the case) then it's okay.

Thing is, should someone divorce due to reasons outside of being a cheating spouse. If that person who divorced gets involved with someone else (and they will), well, that severs the ties between the two spouses, allowing the other spouse to date others....like a never married person like myself.

This woman was divorced for several years, and the ex husband is now remarried. She never remarried.

What about those who divorced after leaving an abusive relationship? I don't think God wants people to remain in a situation that is exposing them, and possibly their children, to harm. No doubt many people would say that's not allowed, but I think our heavenly father is more gracious than that.

I must have sent her like 2 messages once per month, but no response. Of course, that's the story of my life on dating sites, very little results regardless.

Online dating is very pictures and looks oriented. If you're not a 9 or a 10 on looks, you probably won't get much attention. That's not a dig at you personally, because I'm not a 9 or a 10 myself, and neither are the vast majority of men on online dating sites.

I really do think it's better to just meet and talk to people in real life. When I went to the outdoor basketball court on Sunday, I briefly chatted to a cute Indian girl as I was leaving. She was on her own training with a football, so it was easy to approach her, say a few words, and then leave. If I see her again, then I'm already a friendly, familiar face the next time around. Even if it doesn't lead to anything, then it's nice to interact. And chatting gives an opportunity to work on your social skills, which many people are quite rusty at after all the lockdowns.

 

[bèlla]

I agree that historically it has often been easier for men to remain single (e.g. men who lived and breathed scientific research 24/7). However, in some cases there would be suspicions that they were a 'confirmed bachelor' (gay). That might not sound much of an issue now, but back then it was problematic to have people gossiping about that, especially as homosexual acts were still illegal back then.

True. Do you find the numbers are relatively even in Christian circles? Or is singleness more plentiful in one group more than another?

One of the first commandments is to 'be fruitful and multiply'. Maybe that explains why families often seem to be the major focus in many churches.

The only time I got yippy about marriage was when I went to church. That’s probably due to their focus. Otherwise it rarely comes to mind when I’m alone.

What about those who divorced after leaving an abusive relationship? I don't think God wants people to remain in a situation that is exposing them, and possibly their children, to harm. No doubt many people would say that's not allowed, but I think our heavenly father is more gracious than that.

I used to believe I wouldn’t divorce. But experience tells me there are instances where a person shouldn’t be permitted to inflict themselves on someone else. Because some are truly bad.

Online dating is very pictures and looks oriented. If you're not a 9 or a 10 on looks, you probably won't get much attention. That's not a dig at you personally, because I'm not a 9 or a 10 myself, and neither are the vast majority of men on online dating sites.

I never put a picture up in the venues I frequented. But I didn’t have a problem sharing them. When you’ve been in the same circles for a long time and people feel comfortable telling you things they’d rarely tell another. It becomes very clear why abstaining from photos is a smart move. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. When you find out you’ll be glad you didn’t.

All jokes aside, I recall men usually send a lot of messages.

I really do think it's better to just meet and talk to people in real life. When I went to the outdoor basketball court on Sunday, I briefly chatted to a cute Indian girl as I was leaving. She was on her own training with a football, so it was easy to approach her, say a few words, and then leave. If I see her again, then I'm already a friendly, familiar face the next time around. Even if it doesn't lead to anything, then it's nice to interact. And chatting gives an opportunity to work on your social skills, which many people are quite rusty at after all the lockdowns.

I agree. I won’t do it again. I don’t like having long conversations online. We can talk on the phone or Zoom if needed. But I prefer engaging in person. There’s a different energy.