Me not having been married, is a concern to a divorced Christian

[justme6272]

I have found my share of those women, I would prefer it, yes...but by over 40, they've relationship hopped so-many times, they are damaged goods. If not that, they are overly picky.

So which would you rather have...a never married, 40+ person that's been in 10 relationships (sinning), or a marry a divorced person who's divorced from their 1st marriage after 20 years? (Still...sinning)

If you're talking about the never married woman not being a virgin, that isn't 'sinning' anymore unless she's still doing it. More importantly is her opinion of what she did based on scripture, and whether she's repented. How long has it been? What's her definition of salvation and at what point does she think she was saved? I'd have to know the answer to those questions.
If she is 'overly picky,' the sooner you find out the better.

 

[bèlla]

You can date without sinning. Men will honor celibacy or abstinence if the woman broaches it respectfully without wavering.

Living in a small area has its challenges. But the same holds true elsewhere. There’s numerous stumbling blocks to the altar. If you dwell on it you’ll grow despondent.

Effort takes courage. You may strike out but don’t stop trying. All good deeds will be rewarded in their time. God sees you. I pray you find someone who values your character and heart.

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

You can date without sinning. Men will honor celibacy or abstinence if the woman broaches it respectfully without wavering.

Living in a small area has its challenges. But the same holds true elsewhere. There’s numerous stumbling blocks to the altar. If you dwell on it you’ll grow despondent.

Effort takes courage. You may strike out but don’t stop trying. All good deeds will be rewarded in their time. God sees you. I pray you find someone who values your character and heart.

~bella

Thank you Bella,

Anyways, guess this got off topic.

 

[Sketcher]

Everyone sins at some point in their lives. It is inevitable. We're born sinners.

Yeah, but I've made it a point to not get entangled with sins that can hurt others to repent of.

If I catch myself cursing a lot, for instance, I can take inconvenient steps and repent of that without negatively affecting any of my relationships. If I start dating an unbeliever or another man's wife, then I have entangled myself with her, and she's going to get hurt when I have to stop doing what I never should have began in the first place. It's worse if events have progressed to having a kid together. That kid doesn't deserve to be in that situation. Stay out of those holes. Stay free and flexible.

 

[sampa]

I so find the irony in this...I had been talking to a Godly woman on Match...I'm a Christian seeking Christian, and so is she.

Turns out, she has a concern of me of me not having ever been married (and had kids) because she believes I cannot relate or have experience the same kind of experience he has had in a previous marriage.

Considering how being a divorce Christian is frowned upon by God. I find the irony in this.

I mean, do you honestly think it's fair that she may pass on me because she simply sees a problem with me not having ever been married...when in fact...that's probably more inmy favor as a Christian (and more desirable) than a divorcee'? (Something that God frowns upon?)

But don't you think it's rather moot that she has grown kids, living away from home?

Why even make it an issue?

I almost feel I'm in a Catch 22 situation.

I want to re-emphasize, that it's more of a "concern" of hers, though I wonder if you read between the lines, that it's a dealbreaker?

I had even asked her if she thought is was even fair to see this as a concern? (Me not having ever been married?)

It is as if I almost feel I'm calling her out on her Hypocrisy

It is kind of funny, as I'm lucked upon as some kind of pariah for not having ever been married, when in fact, me trying to find that special someone, because I've never been married, would be a plus in any "Christian's" mind.

It's interesting you should bring this up. I've discussed this time and time again with some friends. One of my friends that is about to turn 60 he's never married and he won't consider anyone who's divorced. He believes that never married is better with never married or widowed. Myself I have been open to divorced, but I have questioned if divorced were interested in me. I think I have seen divorced more interested in other divorced because of the experiences that they shared of marriage.

This past month the guy that I was dating he was divorced and I asked him the same question, "I'm surprised that you would consider me since I have never been married."

He said he couldn't understand why I would ask that question. I think he even talked to his male friends about the topic. But he like most guys have asked the same question, why have you never married. And even after I've told them that my attractions have not matched what I wanted for a Christian marriage, they still revisit that question over and over again. And I usually just have to answer I probably won't know till I get to heaven. One of his friends told him that I was probably just picky.

I do feel like there's a huge gap when I date someone who has been with someone for 17 or 20 years. I've never even had a long-term relationship or experienced what a normal dating relationship looks like. And I kind of think that someone who has already experienced those things has a presumption of me knowing certain things that I just don't. Those are just my thoughts on the topic from personal experience.

 

[Jamdoc]

I have found my share of those women, I would prefer it, yes...but by over 40, they've relationship hopped so-many times, they are damaged goods. If not that, they are overly picky.

So which would you rather have...a never married, 40+ person that's been in 10 relationships (sinning), or a marry a divorced person who's divorced from their 1st marriage after 20 years? (Still...sinning)

The first is not sinning on your part, it might not be a smart idea, neither of them are smart ideas.
Yes we all do sin but, it's not something you should ever plan on doing or willfully do.
It's something you fall into or make an error of judgement in doing. Weddings take a long time, a lot of planning, you can't really fall into a marriage wtih a divorced woman. That's planned, willful sin.

 

[Jamdoc]

So I've wanted to give a little more clarification on Matthew 5:32. The exception for divorce is not adultery, it's fornication. What that means is that if a man pledges marriage to a woman and on their wedding night he discovers she's not a virgin, IE she's fornicated, had sex before marriage, that would be grounds for divorce because already showing that she's not faithful. Mind you this is not a case where the man KNOWS that the woman has fornicated in the past and still asked her to marry him, this is fornication during the betrothal period.
Why do I say this and not adultery as a valid excuse? Because Adultery takes place after the covenant has been consummated, after the 2 have become "one flesh" After that relationship is consummated it's a covenant that represents God's relationship with His people.
What does God do to Israel when she plays the harlot, does He divorce her? No, He punishes her then gathers her back. The book of Hosea illustrates this. Hosea was commanded to marry a harlot, she goes back to her ways, and then he's commanded to go find her and take her back, with a temporary period of punishment. So.. a married couple are supposed to reconcile even after adultery.
as hard and painful as that is.. it's nothing compared to what God goes through reconciling His people to Him after they go off committing spiritual adultery worshiping idols and neglecting Him (He had to give the life of His own Son ultimately). He does at one point threaten to divorce Israel and Judah for playing the harlot (Jeremiah 3:8), but He does take them back.
and that is our model, as tough as it is to follow.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Thing is, should someone divorce due to reasons outside of being a cheating spouse. If that person who divorced gets involved with someone else (and they will), well, that severs the ties between the two spouses, allowing the other spouse to date others....like a never married person like myself.

This woman was divorced for several years, and the ex husband is now remarried. She never remarried.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

What that means is that if a man pledges marriage to a woman and on their wedding night he discovers she's not a virgin, IE she's fornicated, had sex before marriage, that would be grounds for divorce because already showing that she's not faithful.

That said.....if this honeymoon couple winds up being married for 20 years, and then they divorce for other reasons, well...in hindsight, she's already cheated and thus gives him carte blanche to date (and marry) someone new.

Wow, this stuff can really give you a headache. Don't like to have to think too hard. lol

Point-counter-point.

 

[Jamdoc]

Thing is, should someone divorce due to reasons outside of being a cheating spouse. If that person who divorced gets involved with someone else (and they will), well, that severs the ties between the two spouses, allowing the other spouse to date others....like a never married person like myself.

This woman was divorced for several years, and the ex husband is now remarried. She never remarried.

Not according to the bible not according to Jesus.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Not according to the bible not according to Jesus.

According to the Bible, it's sexual immorality that allows for remarriage to someone new. The 2nd marriage that the OTHER spouse has committed adultery (divorced and marries another).

Basically if one spouse re-marries (commits adultery) , and the other remains true to the scripture (doesn't remarry themselves)....well, the one that held out the longest can NOW get involved with someone romanticallyonly because the other one did.

 

[Jamdoc]

That said.....if this honeymoon couple winds up being married for 20 years, and then they divorce for other reasons, well...in hindsight, she's already cheated and thus gives him carte blanche to date (and marry) someone new.

Wow, this stuff can really give you a headache. Don't like to have to think too hard. lol

Point-counter-point.

The world may give a carte blanche, but God has not. We are disciples of Jesus, so we should follow His words, not what the world says is okay.
again, it comes down to the covenant nature of marriage that represents a covenant between God and us. Because God will not "divorce" us, He will always reconcile us to Him, that is what we are to do in our own covenant relationships.
I know, it's easy for me to say, having never been married myself
but I have to take a biblical view on it, because I believe the bible.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

The world may give a carte blanche, but God has not. We are disciples of Jesus, so we should follow His words, not what the world says is okay.
again, it comes down to the covenant nature of marriage that represents a covenant between God and us. Because God will not "divorce" us, He will always reconcile us to Him, that is what we are to do in our own covenant relationships.
I know, it's easy for me to say, having never been married myself
but I have to take a biblical view on it, because I believe the bible.

Of course it gives carte blanche, according to the Bible. You're contradicting yourself.

Sexual immorality is the only OUT that gives you the ability to re-marry.

 

[Jamdoc]

According to the Bible, it's sexual immorality that allows for remarriage to someone new. The 2nd marriage that the OTHER spouse has committed adultery (divorced and marries another).

Basically if one spouse re-marries (commits adultery) , and the other remains true to the scripture (doesn't remarry themselves)....well, the one that held out the longest can NOW get involved with someone romanticallyonly because the other one did.

Never saw any of that in scripture.
That seems to be a worldly view.
can you tell me where in scripture you're getting it from?

because what I'm getting my position from not only comes from Matthew 5, but also Matthew 19 which is more specific

3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

Note that Jesus says MOSES suffered them to divorce their wives, not God. Because their hearts were hard.
and it is both spouses that commit adultery if they remarry. Nothing about the one who held out longest not committing adultery after they wait for the other one to commit adultery.
The husband commits adultery when he divorces his wife and remarries.. and.. whoever marries the woman who's been divorced commits adultery, because in God's eyes, she's still married to her first husband. God doesn't recognize the divorce, Moses and worldly government did, but not God.
Jesus gave the one exception being fornication which is before the covenant is consummated. Once that covenant is consummated.... it's too late.
Now it's a representation of the covenant between God and His people.
be glad that God doesn't consider divorce a serious option on that.

 

[Jamdoc]

Of course it gives carte blanche, according to the Bible. You're contradicting yourself.

Sexual immorality is the only OUT that gives you the ability to re-marry.

Fornication and Adultery are different things.
That is why they have different terms.
Fornication is sexual activity before a covenant has been sealed and consummated.
Adultery is activity outside of the covenant relationship after that covenant has been consummated.
if a man cheats on his wife, it's not fornication it's adultery.
Note that Jesus said when the man divorces and remarries, he is committing adultery. and just because the man committed adultery first, whoever marries the "divorced" woman is also committing adultery.

If adultery gave carte blanche, that second spouse remarrying wouldn't be called adultery. But it is. Because God doesn't recognize that divorce.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Fornication and Adultery are different things.
That is why they have different terms.
Fornication is sexual activity before a covenant has been sealed and consummated.
Adultery is activity outside of the covenant relationship after that covenant has been consummated.
if a man cheats on his wife, it's not fornication it's adultery.
Note that Jesus said when the man divorces and remarries, he is committing adultery. and just because the man committed adultery first, whoever marries the "divorced" woman is also committing adultery.

If adultery gave carte blanche, that second spouse remarrying wouldn't be called adultery. But it is. Because God doesn't recognize that divorce.

So in a nutshell, you're saying there's no situation where someone can be allowed to remarry a 2nd spouse? That the person who cheated on you, left you, married a new person, and you, the one cheated on, has to remain as you are...never...ever...marrying again?

 

[Jamdoc]

So in a nutshell, you're saying there's no situation where someone can be allowed to remarry a 2nd spouse? That the person who cheated on you, left you, married a new person, and you, the one cheated on, has to remain as you are...never...ever...marrying again?

Biblically, yes.
Because God never recognized the divorce. To God it is a covenant, and only death nullifies it.
As Jesus put it

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

See, they're no longer two individuals, they are one, there's a bond. You can't just split a person in half and make 2 people. Same thing here.

Even Fornication carries that risk too. The mosaic law punishment for fornication? The 2 fornicators had to get married (or the man had to provide a virgin's brideprice to the father, if the father rejected that marriage). Why? because they were joined already.

The Apostle Paul warns us about this in 1 Corinthians 6

16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

So.. the person you lost your virginity to.. in God's eyes.. you've become one flesh with them, and that doesn't go away just because it was a one night stand and neither person ever saw each other ever again.
Paul goes into it further

17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

Because you've joined to God in one spirit, when you join to a harlot (not calling anyone in particular this name just going off the scripture here), you become one flesh, and that flesh, is the temple of the spirit. So what has been done is not only defiling your own body, but defiling God's spirit, by joining His spirit to a harlot, and Paul rounds it off with telling you it's not your own body and spirit to be off doing whatever you want with anyway.

anyway, sorry to get preachy about this..
But it sounds like this woman has reservations against you to start, and I'm just saying, it's probably not a good idea to pursue it because of the sin aspect which should make it easier for you to make a clean break out of it rather than agonizing over it.
and if she gives you trouble about it.
You can always lay on the biblical truth of her situation.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Biblically, yes.
Because God never recognized the divorce. To God it is a covenant, and only death nullifies it.
As Jesus put it


See, they're no longer two individuals, they are one, there's a bond. You can't just split a person in half and make 2 people. Same thing here.

Even Fornication carries that risk too. The mosaic law punishment for fornication? The 2 fornicators had to get married (or the man had to provide a virgin's brideprice to the father, if the father rejected that marriage). Why? because they were joined already.

The Apostle Paul warns us about this in 1 Corinthians 6

So.. the person you lost your virginity to.. in God's eyes.. you've become one flesh with them, and that doesn't go away just because it was a one night stand and neither person ever saw each other ever again.
Paul goes into it further

Because you've joined to God in one spirit, when you join to a harlot (not calling anyone in particular this name just going off the scripture here), you become one flesh, and that flesh, is the temple of the spirit. So what has been done is not only defiling your own body, but defiling God's spirit, by joining His spirit to a harlot, and Paul rounds it off with telling you it's not your own body and spirit to be off doing whatever you want with anyway.

anyway, sorry to get preachy about this..
But it sounds like this woman has reservations against you to start, and I'm just saying, it's probably not a good idea to pursue it because of the sin aspect which should make it easier for you to make a clean break out of it rather than agonizing over it.
and if she gives you trouble about it.
You can always lay on the biblical truth of her situation.

Actually, we talked on the phone recently, after I explained my situation, in fact, she figured it before calling me...that living where I live doesn't afford me too many opportunities to meet legitimately single women...as most women where I live are married or spoken for or...Baby Boomer aged....or...the Hills have Eyes" types lol (Think "People of Wal-Mart"...late night)

So she gave me no trouble over it.

 

[Sketcher]

So in a nutshell, you're saying there's no situation where someone can be allowed to remarry a 2nd spouse? That the person who cheated on you, left you, married a new person, and you, the one cheated on, has to remain as you are...never...ever...marrying again?

Biblically, yes.
Because God never recognized the divorce. To God it is a covenant, and only death nullifies it.
As Jesus put it


See, they're no longer two individuals, they are one, there's a bond. You can't just split a person in half and make 2 people. Same thing here.

Even Fornication carries that risk too. The mosaic law punishment for fornication? The 2 fornicators had to get married (or the man had to provide a virgin's brideprice to the father, if the father rejected that marriage). Why? because they were joined already.

The Apostle Paul warns us about this in 1 Corinthians 6

So.. the person you lost your virginity to.. in God's eyes.. you've become one flesh with them, and that doesn't go away just because it was a one night stand and neither person ever saw each other ever again.
Paul goes into it further

Because you've joined to God in one spirit, when you join to a harlot (not calling anyone in particular this name just going off the scripture here), you become one flesh, and that flesh, is the temple of the spirit. So what has been done is not only defiling your own body, but defiling God's spirit, by joining His spirit to a harlot, and Paul rounds it off with telling you it's not your own body and spirit to be off doing whatever you want with anyway.

anyway, sorry to get preachy about this..
But it sounds like this woman has reservations against you to start, and I'm just saying, it's probably not a good idea to pursue it because of the sin aspect which should make it easier for you to make a clean break out of it rather than agonizing over it.
and if she gives you trouble about it.
You can always lay on the biblical truth of her situation.

If the previous partner has died, then one is without question free to marry (1 Cor 7:39).

The early church did allow repentant fornicators to marry from what I have been able to tell (Augustine knew it was an option for him).

One could also argue that Rahab's marriage was permissible, even though not all of her previous partners had been accounted for. Sure, all the men of Jericho had been killed, but that doesn't account for any travelers she might have serviced. She wouldn't have been an option for the high priest's wife, but the high priest was held to a higher standard than the rest of the people and there is no Biblical reason to believe that the standards for only the high priest apply to all Christians.

 

[bèlla]

I'm curious how many who are espousing biblical precedents have rejected a partner on those grounds. Especially one who desired their companionship.

I have. We've been acquainted for 17 years. And it hurt. Not one day. Every single day. It took a long time before the tears ceased. We still talk now.

Postulations are easy. It's in your head. But when you have someone who loves you and craves your presence you'll know where you stand. If you haven't experienced it you haven't forsaken love for God.

Relinquishing an opportunity isn't the same as a guarantee. It doesn't equate with the person willing to spend their life at your side.

If you can let that go you know you love Him.

~bella