Married...yet alone

[dakotaskye]

I have been married over a year. My husband works nights, I work days. Some times it feels as if I am not even married. I got pregnant b4 I was married, got married b/c I was pregnant. Some times I wander if it was worth it. I live in a house full of people yet I still feel so alone...I have ever since I was little.

 

[WolfGate]

Praying for you. The things I want to say seem a little trite - like they're easy to understand in general but hard to know how to do. I'll think about this a while and come back to it.

I will say, however, that even married love is in many ways a verb (how you treat your spouse) and not an emotion. Or rather, that the emotion of love grows from showing love. That's often difficult for young couples to intuitively understand. Would be even worse if you have the work schedule you two do.

Do you have weekends together? Or does work interfere there as well?

 

[dakotaskye]

Yes, we do have weekend together...but half of the tiem he is asleep..and if i go out with my friend he gets mad. but yet at the same time he goes out w/ my brother and leaves me at home with our child. Some time I feel as if he just does not care.

 

[Warrior Poet]

He doesn't know. He doesn't get it. As stupid and simple as that sounds its the truth.
He doesn't know what marriage means.
The kicker and part you might not like is you dont know either. You have a set ideal for marriage, as does he, they arent the same though. Enters counciling. You two need to get on the same page, no scratch that, start reading the same book.
I used to drink and get stoned with my roomates while my wife slept alone in the room, while she would cry herself to sleep. Should would wait up hours for me to get into bed just so she knew I did (cause I slept on the couch often). It was little things that were killing her spirit that I had no clue about. Some people might come one here and say the most absured ideas possibly mention the "D" word, this is not an option at all in the current status of the situation, if ever.
I am telling you right now this is a problem that is a two way street. He is not in the wrong anymore then you are he isnt wrong or right but simply ignorant to the pain he causes, this is a team effort to resolve this.
First, tell him what you feel, withholding as much emotion as possible, you get worked up so will he. This wont do much good, im sad to say, it will register and perhaps get better for a short period of time, when it ends it will hurt that much more.
A child in the mix, questioning reasons for the marriage, and if he cares, these are all early warning signs of larger problems.
Two things not to do, DONT EVER say to your hubby, "You dont care" it become like a tick, when he hears it enough he may just start to believe it, thats big trouble. And stear far away from close interactions with other males. Lonliness will breed lust and attention, and when a person comes along and gives it, you will surely take it. You may so no way, but to feel needed and wanted, useful and cared for, who is giving it can become a blurred line.

Warrior Poet

 

[bkg]

He doesn't know. He doesn't get it. As stupid and simple as that sounds its the truth.
<snip>
Warrior Poet

Very well said, WP.

The most important thing in a relationship, of any kind, is communication. He needs to hear, listen and understand your feelings. And you his.

My recommendation for approaching such a situation with him is this (and please check this against your Bible and pray about it before pursuing):
Sit him down in a comfortable place - where HE is comfortable and secure. Make sure he's very relaxed and not on edge. Tell him slowly and softly how much you appreciate how hard he works, that he provides for teh family, etc. Tell him you love him and respect him. You need to make sure he's in a good, secure place before talking about something that might make him feel like he's failing his family.

Once there, slowly ease into telling him how you feel - that you miss him, that you want to spend more time with him, etc. NEVER, and I mean NEVER tell him he's neglecting you, ignoring you, etc. It will only put him on the defensive, and that's NOT what you want. Just tell him how you are feeling. Once you are done, tell him again you are proud of him and love him dearly. And leave it at that - dont' expect him to react right away. He needs time to let that all sink in.

I'm probably not one for giving advice in this area, but I feel very convicted that men need to be approached in a very sensitve way.
bkg

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Very good BKG. Using the words neglect nd ignore will feel like an attack to him. Instead, let him know that you want HIM and HIS presence. You miss him, and you want to spend time with him. Make him feel wanted.

 

[WolfGate]

See, I knew to be quiet because others are wiser in this area and can express better.

I agree with the points others here have made.

 

[desi]

I have been married over a year. My husband works nights, I work days. Some times it feels as if I am not even married. I got pregnant b4 I was married, got married b/c I was pregnant. Some times I wander if it was worth it. I live in a house full of people yet I still feel so alone...I have ever since I was little.

You should not work opposite schedules if you can help it. I pray God offers assistance.

 

[sarah marie]

Dakota,

The feeling of being in love comes and goes. In my case, that feeling left sometime during our engagement. We didn't fall in love with each other again until we had been married three years and after a near divorce. God restored our marriage. I have since been putting all of my energy into "loving" <~~~verb!!! my husband. While I can say that today I am in love with my husband, tomorrow I may not be. The feeling is not what will sustain us. What will is the action of loving, which is providing, protecting, supporting, nurturing, cherishing, edifying, sacrificing and submitting ourselves to each other and to the Lord. I can choose to do this despite my changing feelings and whether or not my husband responds in kind. That's the promise I made to God on my wedding day and keeping the promise in it's fullness will bless me and bring glory to God.

I'm going to recommend a book that was given to us as a wedding gift. I wish I would have read it earlier in our marriage. We opened it for the first time right after God restored our marriage and it has been a blessing to us. It will bless your marriage even if your husband doesn't read it. It is Love Life For Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat.

 

[dakotaskye]

Yawl are right, I am not blaming him....But being that the reason I got married was for the simple fact that I was pregnant makes it a little harder. I try to talk to him, time and time again, but it never seems to do any good. I know he loves me and our child, and I know that I love him. I am just not completely sur I am in love with him. I just miss and long for companionship.

 

[cjba]

As the others have mentioned you need to communicate with your hubby your feelings. I agree with telling him how you feel but not making it an attack on him. If you start attacking him over and over again with the same situation. In time he will believe exactly what you are telling him. He may begin to try in his own way and appreciate the effort.

I know exactly where you are coming from. My hubby started working a different shift about a year after we were married. This did and still causes striff in the marriage. You need to find time to make a date with your hubby. This can be your special time. Get a sitter for the little one. Find a hobby you enjoy that will give you an outlet. I wish someone one of told me this 17 years ago. I was very lonely and resentful in the early years. Like the old saying goes...if only I knew then what I know now.

Pray for patience and understanding and let God guide you in expressing your emotions to your hubby.

God Bless

 

[Sailor's Wife]

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