No I don't believe she has. She has never given me a reason to suspect it. We trust each other which is why I poured myself out to her last night. I admit I have shared a lot with my coworker friend because it has helped her according to her, but it has also caused me to connect more with her which is a problem for me. I apologize for the confusion, she isn't married, just engaged.
It sounds like you are already engaged in an 'emotional affair.' This is when you start giving to another person the support, emotional investment, time, and reliance which you should be giving to your spouse. This a common temptation when a spouse is feeling like their own spouse isn't giving them the support they want - but avoid it! Emotional affairs can be far more destructive than physical affairs.
Stop spending time with and texting the woman who is not your wife. This cannot be stressed enough. When you meet with her or interact with her, your brain is being flooded with Oxytocin and this is both giving you a feeling of false intimacy with her but also making the difference with your wife even more stark.
When a couple first starts dating a couple goes through what is referred to as 'the honeymoon stage.' The brain is flooded with oxytocin, every little ordinary thing becomes 'magical,' and they tend to look over little faults. The two are constantly depositing happy emotions, memories, and connections into the other (some refer to this as the 'love bank.') Yet the honeymoon phase rarely lasts more than a year, at most two - (so if you dated a long time before marriage, it's coming to an end around the same time as the wedding!) Then marriage comes with it's little trials. The magical becomes run of the mill, the hormones settle, and responsibility sets in. There is still happiness - but that constant happy emotional input is far less.
A couple who didn't really think about expectations, personality styles, or conflict resolution styles before marriage because they were overwhelmed with the happy hormones and just viewed the other as perfect spouse material might be in for a shock and start experiencing problems. They may fight, or avoid talking about issues, or withdraw from intimacy. Now it isn't just a matter of there not being as many deposits into the 'love banks' - but now there are frequent withdrawals, too!
Enter a new person - a coworker, someone from church, etc. Some tiny positive interaction happens that is intriguing, so the two start seeking them more and more. Suddenly an influx of new deposits happen from this new person, so they start looking more attractive than the spouse. Even if the spouse has a longer history, to the brain it feels 'negative' to be around them and 'positive' to be around the new person.
Yet hanging with the new person is only going to compound the underlying problems, not provide an escape.
This is what I struggle with. I believe that the covenant I made to God and to her trumps happiness even though it sucks living like this.
Marriage covenants are never going to lead to perfect ongoing happiness all the time. Hormones in a marriage go up and down - there will be seasons of passion and seasons of more quiet companionship. Happiness is a fleeting feeling based on circumstance. What you should be cultivating together with your wife is not happiness, but joy in the Lord. That doesn't mean marriage should be making us miserable (a healthy marriage will not) but that happiness is neither something to be constantly expected nor is it a goal.
What shows the strength of a marriage is not how we treat our spouse in 'happy' times but how we treat each other in trying times. This might be trials from the outside - financial stress, a lost job, family health problems, a new baby, etc. Or, this might be trials from within - a disconnected spouse who isn't performing agreed on tasks or giving the emotional support or physical intimacy expected.
And it doesn't sound like the 'unhappiness' in this marriage is all your wife's fault. Most generally, problems in marriage stem from a) unrealistic or unspoken expectations and blaming the other person for not meeting them b) poor communication and blaming the other for failure to resolve conflicts c) putting something else before the spouse (self, children, etc.) d) treating a spouse as a servant and not a helpmate and e) letting resentment build up and not forgiving.
Here are some practical things you can do to start getting back on track with your wife:
- Write down your own 'expectations' of a wife. Consider whether you ever communicated these clearly to your wife before you met. Consider whether they are realistic expectations (Especially considering that being a mom is equivalent to having a full time job - and you can't just take a break or a day off whenever you want, either.) Consider whether the stuff you are upset over is high priority or low priority.
- Talk to your wife more about her experiences and her expectations. Is there something she needs from you that she doesn't feel she is getting?
- If you expect your wife to always have dinner on, how are you expecting this to happen? Are you expecting fancy homemade meals from scratch? Take the time to ask her how much time and energy she actually has to prep dinner. Make sure to have easy meal stuff on hand - pizza, chimichangas, box noodle kits, etc. for those days when she is too exhausted to cook. Eating out isn't the answer, but you can also bring home
- After you get home from work and have dinner, watch the kids for 15 minutes or a half hour. Take them on a walk, do dishes with them, or just hold them. Give your wife a break - let her do what she wants during that time (e.g. something to relax or refresh, not dishes.) This is hardly a necessity in every marriage nor something one must do long term, but it sounds like your wife is drained with no emotion or time left for you. Giving her this breather, especially in the evening, to 'recharge' may help her have more left over for you.
- Cultivate a 'family-centric' family and not a child centric one. The children are part of the family and as they age should be encouraged to contribute to it. Your wife shouldn't feel like she needs to entertain the kids 24/7.
- If your wife is giving the baby a bath every day, that's too much. Once a week is fine. There may be other things she is overdoing on the childcare and can scale back from so she has some breathing room.
- Find a Pastor who does marriage counseling and do a course like ENRICH. This will diagnose where the two of you have different expectations, conflict resolution styles, etc. and give some pointers on where to start.
- If you have the finances for it, get a mommy's helper or babysitter who can come over a couple of times a week for an hour or two to either help your wife or watch the kids. If you have relatives in the area, ask if any of them could do this. I know my mom being able to come over a few hours a week is a huge help for me in giving me some breathing space or even just an adult to talk to. Church ladies might be another resource.
- Don't expect a spotless house. It's one thing to reasonably expect things to not pile up or be filthy - but another to expect a house that looks like a magazine or even one that looks 'tidy' when you have kids. This is one easy area where you could take pressure off of your wife so she might feel she has more energy and time to spend with you.
